71 Animal Jokes: The 2011 Siri & Virtual Assistant Protocol

Welcome to 2011. The year we started talking to our phones and they actually (sometimes) talked back. It was the year of the royal wedding, the year Minecraft officially launched to consume the lives of children everywhere, and the year Rebecca Black reminded us exactly which day comes after Thursday. The animal kingdom is officially getting a voice.

The 2011 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the Golden Retriever tried to use Siri for the first time in October 2011? He spent twenty minutes barking “Who’s a good boy?” into his owner’s iPhone 4S, only to have the virtual assistant respond with: “I found 14 locations for ‘Good Boy Pet Grooming’ near you.” The dog spent the rest of the night staring at the wall, experiencing a deep existential crisis because a piece of software couldn’t confirm his status as a top-tier canine.
2. Why did the house cat become a professional Minecraft player in 2011? She realized that the entire game was essentially a digital version of her favorite hobby: knocking things over, digging in the dirt, and staring at “Creepers” from a safe distance—though she did complain to the developers that the “Ocelots” in the game were far too easy to tame and didn’t show nearly enough disdain for the player.
3. How did the parrot react to the viral “Friday” video by Rebecca Black? He spent every single morning perched on the shower rod, screaming “PARTAYIN’ PARTAYIN’ YAY!” at the top of his lungs, eventually forcing the family to ban the word “Friday” from the house and refer to it only as “The Day Before Saturday” to avoid a total avian-induced nervous breakdown.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of the “iCloud” in 2011? He argued that a “cloud” is a place where you fly through to get to a mouse, not a place where you store your low-resolution photos of a Caesar salad, claiming that if humans can’t physically touch their data, they’ve officially entered a level of “hoot-less” fantasy that even a bird can’t understand.
5. What did the squirrel think about the “Royal Wedding” of Will and Kate? He watched the ceremony from a tree branch and was deeply unimpressed by the hats, noting that a “fascinator” is just a very expensive and impractical way to pretend you have a bird’s nest on your head without providing any of the structural integrity or warmth required for actual egg-laying.
6. How did the house dog react to the death of the “flip-phone” era in 2011? He felt a strange sense of loss, realizing that the satisfying “clack” of a phone closing was the only way he knew his owner was finally finished with work and ready for a walk; the new “silent” touchscreens meant the human could stay distracted forever, and the dog would never hear the “freedom click” again.
7. Why did the cat refuse to use the new “Snapchat” app that launched in 2011? She looked at the concept of a photo that disappears after ten seconds and decided it was a waste of time, arguing that if she’s going to strike a pose that perfectly captures her silent judgment of the household, she wants that image to haunt her owner’s hard drive until the end of time.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner showed him the “Kindle Fire”? “It’s very colorful, but until you find a way to make the screen emit the scent of fresh cedar shavings or turn the ‘Silk’ browser into a way to actually order sunflower seeds with a single paw-swipe, I’m going to continue to treat this device as a very expensive paperweight.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the “Planking” craze of 2011? She watched her owner lie face-down on a fence post for a photo and concluded that humans had finally run out of things to do, arguing that “planking” is just a very lazy version of “grazing” that doesn’t involve any of the nutritional benefits or the satisfying “moo” at the end.
10. How did the dog react to the premiere of Game of Thrones in 2011? He spent the whole season waiting for the “Direwolves” to show up, only to be disappointed that they didn’t get nearly enough screen time compared to the humans who spent all their time talking in cold rooms; he eventually decided that “Winter is Coming” just meant he’d have to wear his embarrassing yellow raincoat more often.

The Full 2011 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join Siri? To ask: “Where is the nearest mouse that doesn’t fight back?”
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2011 movie? The Artist (it was a silent film, so he didn’t have to listen to people talking over his barking).
13. Why did the parrot love Minecraft? He liked the “Seed” items.
14. What do you call a sheep on Snapchat? “A Fleeting-ewe.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2011? Because “Mac OS X Lion” made him feel like he lived in a royal forest.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2011 movie? Rise of the Planet of the Apes (he’s waiting for the “Rise of the Planet of the Ants”).
17. Why did the cat hate Siri? She doesn’t like anyone else giving orders in the house.
18. What do you call a fish in Game of Thrones? “A Tully-gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the iCloud? He thought it was a digital kennel in the sky.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 song? “Rolling in the Deep” (Adele… but she thinks it’s a deep pasture).
21. Why did the pig use Snapchat? To send “Pork-snaps.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an iPhone 4S? “Dolly Siri-ous.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2011? Too many drones starting to look like competition for the best “aerial view.”
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2011 hobby? “Planking” on the stable door.
25. Why did the cat love The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? She also likes dark rooms and staring intensely at screens.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2011? A “Dual-core” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at Rebecca Black? He didn’t know which seat he could take in the car either.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 band? “Foster the Baaa-ple.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “Kindle Fire”? He thought it was a glowing banana.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Game of Thrones? “Moo-lisse Melisandre.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Snapchat”? His nut-locations disappeared before he could memorize them.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2011 tech? The “iPad 2” (thinner, lighter, better for sitting on).
33. Why did the dog like Puss in Boots (2011)? He wanted to know where he could get a pair of boots for the rain.
34. What do you call a group of ants in Minecraft? “A Block-colony.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Siri” chime? To make the humans talk to themselves.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 song? “Moves Like Jagger” (Moves like Baaa-gger).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “iCloud” icon? She was waiting for it to rain kibble.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Captain America: The First Avenger? “Steve Rogers-triever.”
39. Why did the pig like Moneyball? He heard it was about “pork-folio” management.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2011 gadget? The “Nintendo 3DS” (he liked the glasses-free 3D seeds).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Siri” voice? He thought there was a tiny lady trapped in the charging port.
42. What do you call a cat that uses “Snapchat”? “A Snap-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join “Google+” (launched 2011)? Because he was the only one there.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 fashion? “Plaid” (she felt it matched her wool).
45. Why did the dog like 2011? Because “Siri” meant his owners spent more time talking to their phones than telling him to “shush.”
46. What do you call a fish that uses iCloud? “A Stream-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “BlackBerry PlayBook”? It didn’t have any apps for catching digital mice.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2011 movie? Fast Five (he also moves in a high-speed blur).
49. Why did the parrot get a 3DS? To see his “AR” (Augmented Reality) crackers.
50. What do you call a cow that likes The Help? “Moo-minny.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Angry Birds” plush toys? He thought they were real birds that refused to fly away.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 tech? “iCloud” (she thought it was a wooly sky).
53. Why did the cat like American Horror Story (premiered 2011)? She already lives in a house full of strange noises and ghosts.
54. What do you call a donkey on Snapchat? “A Self-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPod Nano” (7th Gen)? It finally had a “home” button.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2011 phrase? “Winning!” (He heard Charlie Sheen and thought it meant he won a treat).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Google+”? He couldn’t find his “Circle” of friends in the tree.
58. What do you call a cat in Minecraft? “A Meow-crafter.”
59. Why did the pig like 2011? Because “Minecraft” let him be a “Pixel-pig.”
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2011 drink? “Aloe Vera Juice.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Thor? He didn’t like a guy with a hammer bigger than his chew-toy.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Siri? “A Parliament of Questions.”
63. Why did the cat like 2011? Because “Lion” was the name of the operating system she finally deserved.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2011 song? “Party Rock Anthem” (Every day he’s shufflin’… in the wheel).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Royal Wedding”? Too many horses, not enough dogs in suits.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Siri? “A Fire-assistant.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Google+”? To be the “Plus-one” in every circle.
68. Why was 2011 a great year for a dog? Because “Talk to Text” meant his owner’s messages finally sounded like bark-bark-bark.
69. What do you call a horse that loves War Horse (movie)? “A Stallion-actor.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Nest” Thermostat (launched 2011)? He thought a robotic bird had built a home on the wall.
71. Why was 2011 the peak for animals? Because humans finally found someone else (Siri) to ask “Who’s a good boy?” when the dog didn’t answer.