82 Animal Jokes: The 2003 Nemo & Tunes Protocol

Welcome to 2003. A year where we all promised “Fish are friends, not food,” Apple finally gave us a legal way to buy a single song for 99 cents on the iTunes Music Store, and we said goodbye to the Concorde. The world got a little smaller, a little more digital, and a lot more underwater.

The 2003 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the family goldfish watched Finding Nemo for the first time in the summer of 2003? He spent the next three weeks staring intensely at the drain of his aquarium, convinced that “all drains lead to the ocean,” only to realize that for a goldfish in suburban Ohio, the only thing at the end of that pipe is a very confused plumber and a lot of regret.
2. Why did the house cat become the first “investor” in the iTunes Music Store upon its launch in April? He realized he could finally stop listening to the dog’s terrible “Greatest Howls” CD and spend exactly 99 cents on a high-fidelity recording of a can opener, which he then set as his owner’s 5:00 AM alarm to ensure a steady supply of premium salmon.
3. How did the farm dog react to the news that the Concorde was making its final flight in 2003? He sat in the middle of the field looking at the sky, feeling a strange sense of kinship with the supersonic jet, realizing that they were both loud, expensive to maintain, and likely to be replaced by something much slower and more sensible that doesn’t bark at the sound of its own sonic boom.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of the “Safari” web browser by Apple? He felt the name was a bit misleading, as he spent six hours clicking through bookmarks expecting to see high-definition images of field mice and instead just found a bunch of “Web 2.0” blogs and people arguing about whether the new Lord of the Rings movie was better than the book.
5. What did the squirrel think about the massive Northeast Blackout of 2003? While the humans were panicking about their frozen food and lack of air conditioning, the squirrel spent the night throwing the ultimate “No-Voltage” party in the oak tree, mocking the neighborhood cat who couldn’t use his electric self-cleaning litter box and had to “go old school” for the first time in years.
6. Why did the parrot get obsessed with the first season of The Bachelorette in 2003? He spent all his time mimicking Trista Sutter’s voice and telling the household dog, “I’m sorry, but you didn’t receive a rose tonight,” before flying off with a piece of expensive stationary that he used to line the bottom of his cage.
7. How did the sheep react to the announcement that MySpace was launching in August 2003? She spent four days trying to take a “profile picture” that didn’t make her wool look too frizzy, eventually giving up when she realized she didn’t have any friends to add to her “Top 8” besides a very judgmental goat and a tractor that didn’t have an email address.
8. Why did the dog bark at the TV every time Pirates of the Caribbean came on? He couldn’t understand why Captain Jack Sparrow was so worried about “The Black Pearl” when he, the dog, had a perfectly good “Black Tennis Ball” that didn’t involve any ancient curses or skeletons—just a lot of slobber and a very tired arm.
9. What did the hamster say when his owner bought a “camera phone” with a VGA resolution in 2003? “Great, now you can take a blurry, pixelated photo of me running in my wheel that looks less like a hamster and more like a thumb with a wig on it, and then pay fifty cents to send it to someone who won’t even be able to open the file.”
10. Why was the cow so confused by the popularity of The Da Vinci Code in 2003? She saw everyone reading the book and tried to find the “Moo-na Lisa” in the pasture, eventually concluding that humans spend way too much time looking for secret symbols in paintings when they should be looking for the hole in the fence that leads to the clover field.

The Full 2003 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the clownfish go to school? To find his “Sole”-mate (and Nemo).
12. What’s a cat’s favorite 2003 gadget? The “99-cent” download (she loves a bargain).
13. Why did the dog hate the iTunes store? You couldn’t chew on a digital file.
14. What do you call a sheep on MySpace? “Baaa-rbara-88.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2003? Because “Wi-Fi” was finally letting him browse from the high branches.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2003 movie? The Matrix Reloaded (more glitches to exploit).
17. Why did the parrot mimic the “New Mail” sound? To trick the cat into jumping on the desk.
18. What do you call a fish that knows Kung Fu? “Bruce” (from Nemo).
19. Why did the cat sit on the new G5 Tower? It was the most expensive heater in the world.
20. What’s a dog’s favorite 2003 song? “Where Is The Love?” (by the Black Eyed Peas… but he thinks it’s about his leash).
21. Why did the pig use iTunes? To buy “Pork-y and Bess.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep that’s a fan of Beyoncé? “Dolly-licious.”
23. Why did the bird hate the 2003 internet? Too much “Spam,” not enough “Seed.”
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2003 hobby? Checking his MySpace “Top Stable.”
25. Why did the cat love Kill Bill? She also enjoys a long list of enemies and sharp claws.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2003? A “Broadband” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the Hulk (2003) movie? He thought it was a giant green chew toy.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 band? “Evan-ewe-scence.”
29. Why did the monkey like the iTunes Store? No more “peeling” labels off CDs.
30. What do you call a cow that solves mysteries? “The Da Vinci Herd.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate the Blackout of 2003? The electric fence was down, and he lost his “spark.”
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2003 tech? The “Safari” browser (for hunting icons).
33. Why did the dog like Finding Nemo? He related to Dory—he also forgets things three seconds after they happen.
34. What do you call a group of ants at a MySpace party? “Social-sects.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Concorde” engine? He wanted to go out with a bang.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 song? “Bring Me To Life” (Wake me up… for shearing).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “iTunes” visualizer? It was the closest thing to a digital laser pointer.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Pirates of the Caribbean? “Jack Russell Sparrow.”
39. Why did the pig like The Simple Life? He heard Paris Hilton was moving to a farm.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2003 gadget? The “USB Hub” (more places to store seeds).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “FireWire” port? He thought it was a cat’s tail.
42. What do you call a cat that uses a “PowerBook”? A “Pro-fessional” napper.
43. Why did the bird join MySpace? To “Tweet” before it was cool.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 fashion? Velour tracksuits (extra soft).
45. Why did the dog like 2003? Because “iTunes” meant his owner spent less time at the record store and more time at the park.
46. What do you call a fish that uses a Mac? “iFish.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “N-Gage”? It looked like a taco but tasted like plastic.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2003 movie? The Italian Job (he also loves a good heist).
49. Why did the parrot get an iTunes gift card? To buy “Bird-land.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes The Bachelorette? “Moo-diant.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Skype” logo (launched 2003)? He didn’t trust a cloud that could talk.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 tech? “Bluetooth” (she thought it was a blueberry).
53. Why did the cat like Elf? Because she also enjoys knocking down Christmas trees.
54. What do you call a donkey on MySpace? “A Bray-friender.”
55. Why did the bird like the new “iPod Third Gen”? The four buttons looked like little seeds.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2003 phrase? “In the loop” (the dog park loop).
57. Why did the squirrel hate the “Camera Phone”? He was caught in 480p stealing a bird feeder.
58. What do you call a cat in Finding Nemo? “The Ultimate Villain.”
59. Why did the pig like 2003? Because “Ham-ster” dance was still a thing.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 drink? “Vanilla Coke.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Bad Boys II? Too many sirens, not enough mailmen.
62. What do you call a group of owls on iTunes? A “Playlist” of owls.
63. Why did the cat like 2003? Because “Panther” (OS X 10.3) made her feel respected.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2003 song? “In Da Club” (The Hamster Club).
65. Why did the dog hate the 2003 Blackout? No “Lassie” reruns on TV.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Nemo? “Fire-breathing Fish.”
67. Why did the parrot join the iTunes Store? To sell his “Squawk-box” set.
68. Why was 2003 a great year for a fish? Because everyone finally started looking for them.
69. What do you call a horse that loves The Last Samurai? “Stable-minded.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “DVD” menu? He wanted to “Play All” the sticks.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2003 tech? The “Ewe-pod Mini.”
72. Why did the squirrel love “Safari”? Faster nut-searching.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of 50 Cent? “Fitty-Claw.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2003? Too many “Spam” filters blocking his worm-delivery.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2003 toy? A “Finding Nemo” plush (to de-stuff).
76. Why did the pig like MySpace? He wanted to be “Friends” with Tom.
77. What do you call a sheep that’s an iTunes expert? “The Mix-master.”
78. Why did the cat survive the 2003 Blackout? She has night vision and doesn’t need a toaster.
79. What’s a dog’s favorite 2003 game? “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic” (he relates to the Wookiee).
80. Why did the bird join iTunes? For the “Air-play.”
81. Why was 2003 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy setting up MySpace profiles to notice the dog ate the steak.
82. What do you call a fish in a tuxedo? “Sophisti-cod.”