80 Animal Jokes: The 2007 Jesus Phone & Tumblr Protocol

Welcome to 2007. The year Steve Jobs pulled the first iPhone out of his pocket and changed everything, the year we were told to “Leave Britney Alone!”, and the year Tumblr was born—giving everyone a place to post aesthetic pictures of cats without needing a reason. The “Jesus Phone” is here, and the animal kingdom is going mobile.

The 2007 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the border collie saw the first iPhone in June 2007? He spent forty-five minutes trying to “herd” the icons on the screen with his nose, eventually triggering the multi-touch zoom and becoming convinced that he had accidentally discovered a way to make a single kibble the size of a frisbee, only to be heartbroken when he realized he couldn’t actually eat a high-resolution JPEG.
2. Why did the house cat immediately become a top-tier Tumblr user in February 2007? She realized that the platform was perfectly designed for her lifestyle: a place where you can post a blurry photo of a houseplant, write a cryptic, moody sentence about the void, and receive 10,000 “notes” from strangers while you spend the rest of the day sleeping in a sunbeam.
3. How did the parrot react to Chris Crocker’s viral “Leave Britney Alone!” video? He spent the rest of the year perched on the edge of his cage, shaking his feathers and screaming, “LEAVE POLLY ALONE! SHE’S A HUMAN!”—which was technically incorrect, but he was so committed to the emotional performance that the family started giving him extra crackers just to keep the peace.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of “Amazon Kindle” in late 2007? He argued that if you can’t feel the paper, smell the ink, or use the corner of the page to scratch that one specific spot behind your ear, it’s not a real book; besides, he found the “electronic ink” to be deeply suspicious, claiming it was just a way for humans to hide their lack of actual wisdom behind a screen.
5. What did the squirrel think about the final Harry Potter book being released that summer? He saw thousands of people camping outside bookstores and decided that humans had finally evolved back into a gathering species, though he was disappointed that “The Deathly Hallows” wasn’t a manual on how to protect his nut-stashes from the neighborhood raccoons.
6. How did the house dog react to the debut of Bee Movie in 2007? He sat through the entire film with his head tilted, trying to understand why Jerry Seinfeld was a bee and why the humans were talking to insects, eventually concluding that if he could just learn to buzz, he might finally get invited to sit at the dinner table.
7. Why did the cat refuse to use the new “Facebook Platform” apps that launched in 2007? She looked at “FarmVille” and “Mafia Wars” and decided that if she wanted to manage a farm or start a criminal organization, she’d do it in real life by knock-starting the toaster and stealing the dog’s identity for “Insurance Treats.”
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought an “iPod Touch” in 2007? “So, you bought a device that does everything an iPhone does except make calls, just so you can play ‘Doodle Jump’ in the bathroom? I do a vertical jump every time the cage door opens and nobody gives me a 3.5-inch widescreen display.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” dance craze? She watched her owner doing the “superman” move in the barn and thought he was trying to fend off a particularly large horsefly, eventually deciding that if humans wanted to move like that, they should probably just go back to the 90s and stick to the Macarena.
10. How did the dog react to the launch of “Street View” in Google Maps? He spent three hours staring at the computer screen, waiting for the “Camera Car” to drive past the house so he could finally fulfill his lifelong dream of barking at a vehicle from a 360-degree digital perspective without leaving the couch.

The Full 2007 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join Tumblr? To reblog “aesthetic” pictures of empty boxes.
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2007 movie? I Am Legend (he really liked the German Shepherd co-star).
13. Why did the parrot love the iPhone? He could finally “slide to unlock” his potential.
14. What do you call a sheep on Tumblr? “An Indie-ewe.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2007? Because “Netbooks” were finally small enough for his paws.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2007 movie? Transformers (he also changes into things, mostly a nuisance).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Jesus Phone”? It didn’t have a physical keyboard to sleep on.
18. What do you call a fish in Ratatouille? “A Sous-chef-gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the Kindle? He thought it was a very thin, very boring bone.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 song? “Umbrella” (Ella-ella-baaa-baaa).
21. Why did the pig use Tumblr? To post “Pork-trait” photography.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an iPhone? “Dolly App-le.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2007? Too many “Twitter” copycats stealing his vibes.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2007 hobby? Browsing “Facebook” for old stable-mates.
25. Why did the cat love No Country for Old Men? She also enjoys chasing things across the desert with no mercy.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2007? A “Touch-screen” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the “Leave Britney Alone” video? He felt the raw emotion.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 band? “The Baaa-ming Lips.”
29. Why did the monkey like the iPhone? It looked like a very shiny banana.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Bee Movie? “Moo-ry Seinfeld.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate the “Kindle”? He couldn’t hide a nut inside the e-ink.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2007 tech? The “iPhone” (the ultimate laser pointer holder).
33. Why did the dog like Enchanted? He’s also waiting for a princess to clean up his mess.
34. What do you call a group of ants on Tumblr? “A Niche Colony.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the iPhone “Marimba” ringtone? To make the humans reach for their pockets.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 song? “Stronger” (Kanye… but she thinks it’s about the wool).
37. Why did the cat stare at “Street View”? She was looking for her neighbor’s cat to “digitally” hiss at.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Transformers? “Optimus-Pug.”
39. Why did the pig like Superbad? He heard there was a character called “Mc-Oink-in.”
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2007 gadget? The “iPod Classic” (160GB of seeds).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “App Store” (Wait, 2008… let’s say “Web Apps”).
42. What do you call a cat that uses Tumblr? “A Hipster-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join Tumblr? To share his “Visual Diary.”
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 fashion? “Emo” hair (the long bangs over one eye).
45. Why did the dog like 2007? Because “Wii Fit” meant his owners were moving more in the house.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an iPhone? “A Smart-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Zune” (still)? Because not even a cat would play with it.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2007 movie? The Simpsons Movie (he liked the spider-pig).
49. Why did the parrot get an iPhone? To “FaceTime” with the mirror.
50. What do you call a cow that likes 300? “Moo-nidas.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Kindle” screen? No smell, no lick, no interest.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 tech? “Dropbox” (launched 2007… she thought it was for hay).
53. Why did the cat like Sweeney Todd? She also enjoys a good groom… and chaos.
54. What do you call a donkey on Tumblr? “A Soft-boy Ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPod Touch”? Widescreen “tweets.”
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2007 phrase? “This is Sparta!” (He screams it before jumping on the bed).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Street View”? It caught him in his pajamas.
58. What do you call a cat in Transformers? “Meow-gatron.”
59. Why did the pig like 2007? Because “Bacon” memes were starting to trend (he was worried).
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 drink? “Vitamin Water XXX.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Spider-Man 3? Too many spiders, not enough men.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Tumblr? “A Re-hoot.”
63. Why did the cat like 2007? Because “Leopard” (OS X 10.5) finally arrived.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2007 song? “Soulja Boy” (he’s got the moves).
65. Why did the dog hate the “iPhone” battery life? It meant the owner was always looking for a wall, not a ball.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Tumblr? “A Moody-breather.”
67. Why did the parrot join the “iPhone” hype? For the “Siri” (Wait, 2011… let’s go with “Voice Notes”).
68. Why was 2007 a great year for a dog? Because “YouTube” was full of “Dog vs. Mirror” videos.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Ghost Rider? “Stable-fire.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Halo 3” launch? He didn’t like the “Master Chief” stealing his title.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2007 tech? The “Asus Eee PC.”
72. Why did the squirrel love “Tumblr”? For the “Nut-core” aesthetic.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Amy Winehouse? “Rehab-paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2007? Too many people staring at their “Blackberries” to see him fly.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2007 toy? An iPhone box (the phone is boring, the box is 10/10).
76. Why did the pig like the year 2007? Because “Hulu” launched and he could watch “Ham-let.”
77. What do you call a sheep that’s an iPhone expert? “The iWooly.”
78. Why was 2007 the peak for animals? Because humans finally found a phone that was more interesting than the dog’s tail.
79. What do you call a cat in a “Leave Britney Alone” parody? “A Cat-astrophe.”
80. Why did the owl love 2007? Because it was the year of the “Smart-hoot.”