77 Animal Jokes: The 2002 Idol & Arachnid Protocol

Welcome to 2002. The year we finally got a Spider-Man movie that worked, the year everyone started voting for singers on their bulky Nokia phones via “SMS,” and the year the first camera phones arrived—meaning your cat’s embarrassing moments were about to be captured in glorious 0.3-megapixel quality.

The 2001 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. Why did the house spider feel so much pressure in the summer of 2002? After seeing Tobey Maguire swing across New York City, the spider’s owner spent three weeks poking him with a stick, expecting him to bite and grant “super-strength” and “web-slinging” abilities, when all the poor spider really wanted to do was eat a single fruit fly and hide behind the radiator without being drafted into the Avengers.
2. What happened when the Golden Retriever watched the first season finale of American Idol? He was so inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s win that he spent the next forty-eight hours “singing” at the mailman in a high-pitched howl, convinced that if he could just hit the right “Awoooo,” Simon Cowell would appear from behind the bushes to give him a golden ticket and a lifetime supply of premium beef jerky.
3. Why did the cat become an early hater of the first camera phones (the Nokia 7650) in 2002? She realized that for the first time in history, her humans could document her “mid-yawn” face and post it to a primitive personal blog, permanently ruining her reputation as a sophisticated predator and replacing it with a blurry, pixelated image that made her look like a confused potato.
4. Why was the owl so disappointed by the release of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? He sat through the entire movie waiting for a scene where an owl actually gets to do something cool, like solve a mystery or at least get a decent health insurance plan for flying through blizzards, but instead, he just saw a bunch of kids flying a car that didn’t even have a perch for a tired bird.
5. What did the squirrel think of the transition from VHS to DVD in 2002? He was thrilled because the discs were much easier to carry and shiny enough to attract a mate, but he quickly became frustrated when he realized that “Special Features” didn’t include a secret map to where he buried his acorns back in the winter of ’99.
6. How did the parrot react to the debut of the “Bachelor” in 2002? He spent every Monday night mimicking the phrase “Will you accept this rose?” and then proceeded to eat the flowers off the dining room table, eventually deciding that the show was far too dramatic for an animal that literally spends its life in a cage and still manages to find a partner.
7. Why did the cow refuse to sign up for the new “Bluetooth” technology that started trending in 2002? She heard that it involved a “blue tooth” and was terrified that it was a new type of dental disease caused by eating too much clover, proving that even in the digital age, bovine logic is strictly limited to things you can chew.
8. What happened when the hamster tried to use the new “Windows XP” operating system? He was mesmerized by the “Bliss” wallpaper (the green hill), spent three hours trying to run toward the screen to find some fresh grass, and eventually gave up when he realized that “Start” didn’t mean “Start the treat dispenser,” but rather “Start a twenty-minute update.”
9. Why did the cat think The Bourne Identity was a documentary about her own life? She watched Matt Damon wake up with no memory but elite combat skills and realized that was exactly how she felt every morning after a twelve-hour nap, leading her to believe that she was actually a highly-trained feline operative working for a shadow organization called “The Litter-acy Project.”
10. Why was the dog so confused by the concept of “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” in 2002? He watched his owner drive a car for six hours without once sticking his head out of the window to feel the wind, concluding that humans have no idea how to properly enjoy a high-speed vehicle and should probably just stick to walking.

The Full 2002 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the dog bark at the Nokia 7650? He didn’t trust a phone with an “eye.”
12. What’s a spider’s favorite 2002 movie? Spider-Man (he found it very relatable).
13. Why did the cat hate American Idol? Too many “pitchy” humans, not enough purring.
14. What do you call a sheep with a camera phone? A “Snap-lamb.”
15. Why did the squirrel like the year 2002? Because “USB 2.0” sounded like a faster way to store nuts.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2002 song? “Underneath It All” (literally).
17. Why did the parrot mimic Simon Cowell? To tell the dog his barking was “dreadful.”
18. What do you call a fish in Finding Nemo pre-production? A “Scale” model.
19. Why did the cat sit on the new DVD burner? It was the “hot” new tech.
20. What’s a dog’s favorite 2002 song? “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne (about the leash).
21. Why did the pig use a camera phone? To take a “pork-trait.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep that loves 2002 pop? “Dolly-tin” (Britney-style).
23. Why did the bird hate the 2002 internet? The “Pop-up” ads were scaring him away.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2002 hobby? Texting with his “hooves” (it was a struggle).
25. Why did the cat love the movie Signs (2002)? He also likes leaving mysterious crop circles in the litter box.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2002? A “low-res” legend.
27. Why did the dog bark at the Spider-Man poster? He didn’t like a guy who could climb better than him.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 band? “Nickel-baaa-ck.”
29. Why did the monkey like the camera phone? He wanted to take a “Chimp-anzee” selfie.
30. What do you call a cow that likes American Idol? “Moo-ly Clarkson.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate Bluetooth? He couldn’t find the blue nut.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2002 tech? The “Optical Mouse” (still no ball, still fun).
33. Why did the dog like Ice Age (2002)? He really felt for the squirrel chasing the acorn.
34. What do you call a group of ants watching Spider-Man? “Web-crawlers.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Camera Shutter” sound? To prank the cat into thinking she was being watched.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 song? “Dilemma” by Nelly (about the fence).
37. Why did the cat stare at the Windows XP background? She thought it was a giant catnip field.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Star Wars: Episode II? “Jango Fetched.”
39. Why did the pig like Men in Black II? He heard there was a “Ham-ien.”
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2002 gadget? The “Memory Stick.”
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Vibrate” mode on the phone? He thought the phone was growling at him.
42. What do you call a cat that uses a Tablet PC (2002)? A “Touchy-feely” feline.
43. Why did the bird join a reality show? To get more “exposure.”
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 fashion? Trucker hats (for the wooly hair).
45. Why did the dog like 2002? Because everyone was busy texting while walking, making it easier to steal their snacks.
46. What do you call a fish that uses Bluetooth? A “Blue-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “GBA SP”? It closed too loudly, waking her up.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2002 movie? The Bourne Identity (he also has multiple nut-identities).
49. Why did the parrot get a camera phone? To take “mug-shots.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes The Ring? “Moo-riane.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the TiVo? He didn’t understand how the mailman disappeared so fast on “Fast Forward.”
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 tech? “Wi-Fi” (Wireless Field).
53. Why did the cat like Scooby-Doo (2002)? Because the dog was the one getting scared for once.
54. What do you call a donkey on American Idol? “A Bray-vocalist.”
55. Why did the bird like the iPod (2nd Gen)? More songs to “tweet” along to.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2002 phrase? “You’re fired!” (Wait, that’s 2004… let’s go with “Awooo-idols”).
57. Why did the squirrel hate the camera phone? It captured him looking “nuts.”
58. What do you call a cat in Vice City? “Tommy Ver-cat-ti.”
59. Why did the pig like the year 2002? Because “Ham-berry” phones were the future (he misheard Blackberry).
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 drink? “Red Baaa-ll.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Minority Report? He wanted to know where the “Pre-Cogs” kept the tennis balls.
62. What do you call a group of owls on a camera phone? A “Flash” of owls.
63. Why did the cat like 2002? Because “Mac OS X Jaguar” sounded like someone she could respect.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2002 song? “Hot in Herre” (in the cage).
65. Why did the dog hate the first camera phones? The flash made him look like a “Demon Retriever.”
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Spider-Man? “Scaly-Man.”
67. Why did the parrot join American Idol? To prove that “Polly” wants a record deal.
68. Why was 2002 a great year for a cat? Because “camera phones” meant her beauty was finally being documented.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron? “Self-absorbed.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the Xbox controller? He thought the “vibration” was a bee.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2002 tech? The “Ewe-pod.”
72. Why did the squirrel love the new internet? Faster “cracking” speeds.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Eminem? “Slim Meow-dy.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2002? Too many “Web-cams” watching his nest.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2002 toy? A “Razor” scooter (to chew on).
76. Why did the pig like American Idol? He wanted to be the next “Ham-ican” star.
77. Why was 2002 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy learning how to text “U R CUTE” to notice the cat eating the plant.