81 Animal Jokes: The 2008 App Store & Iron Dog Protocol

Welcome to 2008. The year Steve Jobs opened the App Store and suddenly we had a “fart app” for every occasion, Spotify launched in Europe to save us from our messy MP3 folders, and Iron Man kicked off the MCU. It was the year of the “Great Recession,” but for animals, it was the year of the “Great Mobile Distraction.”

The 2008 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the Labrador’s owner downloaded the first “Virtual Water” app from the App Store in July 2008? The dog spent twenty minutes frantically licking the iPhone screen, convinced that the liquid sloshing around inside was a high-tech refreshment, only to realize that “digital hydration” is a lie and that the future of technology mostly involves humans paying $1.99 to make their phones look like a glass of beer while the actual water bowl in the kitchen remains bone-dry.
2. Why did the house cat become an early adopter of Spotify upon its October launch? She realized she could finally stop waiting for the radio to play “cool” music and instead created a 24-hour playlist consisting entirely of “Lo-fi beats to hunt moths to,” though she was deeply annoyed when the free version interrupted her nap with an ad for dog food, which she considered a targeted hate crime against her sophisticated ears.
3. How did the German Shepherd react to seeing Iron Man in the cinema during the summer of 2008? He spent the rest of the week trying to build his own “Mark I” suit out of discarded kibble bags and duct tape, eventually deciding that “Tony Bark” didn’t need a chest-mounted arc reactor as long as he had a high-velocity tail-wag and the ability to detect a cheese wrapper being opened from three miles away.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of Google’s “Android” operating system in late 2008? He claimed that the little green robot mascot looked untrustworthy and that the forest was already crowded enough without a bunch of open-source “droids” trying to automate the process of hooting at midnight, eventually concluding that if a phone doesn’t have an Apple on the back, it’s probably just a fancy calculator for squirrels.
5. What did the squirrel think about the massive popularity of Twilight in 2008? He watched his owner obsess over “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” and felt left out, eventually starting his own “Team Acorn” movement, arguing that having skin that sparkles in the sun is much less practical than having a tail that can double as a winter blanket and a very high-speed escape plan.
6. How did the house dog react to the debut of “Wall-E” in 2004? He sat through the entire movie feeling a deep sense of respect for the little robot, realizing that Wall-E was essentially a mechanical dog who spent 700 years cleaning up after humans—a job the dog had been doing in the living room for six years without once being offered a trip to space.
7. Why did the cat refuse to use the new “GPS” features that became standard on the iPhone 3G in 2008? She looked at the blue dot on the map and told her owner, “I don’t need a satellite to tell me I’m in the kitchen; I know exactly where I am, and more importantly, I know exactly where the treats are, which is a piece of data your ‘Location Services’ seems to have completely missed.”
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought him a “Wii Fit” board for his cage (as a joke)? “It’s fascinating that you want me to track my Body Mass Index on a balance board when I already run the equivalent of a marathon every night in a plastic wheel; maybe instead of ‘Wii Fit,’ you should try ‘Wii Feed Me More Sunflower Seeds’ and leave the fitness tracking to the professionals.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the launch of “Airbnb” in 2008? She heard that humans were now renting out their spare rooms to strangers on the internet and tried to list her barn stall as a “Rustic, open-air loft with sustainable grass-based catering,” but was disappointed when the only booking request she got was from a very confused goat who didn’t have a credit card.
10. How did the parrot react to the “Obama vs. McCain” election cycle in 2008? He spent the whole year alternating between screaming “Yes We Can!” and “Maverick!” depending on who was walking past the cage, eventually deciding that political discourse is much easier when you can just fly away and eat a cracker whenever someone starts talking about the “bridge to nowhere.”

The Full 2008 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the App Store? To download “Angry Birds” (she thought it was a hunting simulator).
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2008 movie? The Dark Knight (he relates to the Joker—he also just wants to “chase cars”).
13. Why did the parrot love Spotify? He finally had “Premium” squawks.
14. What do you call a sheep with an iPhone 3G? “3-G-ewe.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2008? Because “Dropbox” let him backup his nut-locations to the cloud.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2008 movie? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (he liked the ants in the jungle).
17. Why did the cat hate “Wii Fit”? She didn’t want a board telling her she was “obese” (it’s just fluff).
18. What do you call a fish in Kung Fu Panda? “A Master Gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the first Android phone? He thought the green robot was a toy from Mars.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 song? “Single Ladies” (All the wooly ladies… put your hooves up).
21. Why did the pig use Spotify? To listen to “The Notorious P.I.G.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an App Store account? “Dolly Download.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2008? Too many humans staring at “iPhones” to see his cool backflip.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2008 hobby? Browsing “Facebook” (still addicted to the feed).
25. Why did the cat love Iron Man? Because she also has a heart of cold metal (according to the dog).
26. What do you call a dragon in 2008? A “Mobile-gaming” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the Twilight poster? He smelled a vampire (which smells like glitter and hairspray).
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 band? “Cold-baaa-y.”
29. Why did the monkey like the App Store? Because of “Super Monkey Ball.”
30. What do you call a cow that likes Wall-E? “Moo-E.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Spotify”? He couldn’t figure out where to store the digital nuts.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2008 tech? The “App Store” (specifically the laser pointer apps).
33. Why did the dog like Marley & Me? He didn’t finish it—he heard it was a “tear-jerker” and preferred a “ball-thrower.”
34. What do you call a group of ants on an Android? “A Buggy System.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “New App” download sound? To make his owner check the phone.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 song? “I Kissed a Girl” (Katy Perry… but she thinks it’s a goat).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Google Chrome” icon (launched 2008)? She thought it was a colorful ball of yarn.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Iron Man? “Bark Stark.”
39. Why did the pig like Pineapple Express? He thought it was about fruit delivery.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2008 gadget? The “iPod Nano” (the skinny one).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Touch Screen” keyboard? His paws were too big for “Auto-correct.”
42. What do you call a cat that uses “Spotify”? “A Muse-ic lover.”
43. Why did the bird join “Twitter” (becoming popular in 2008)? To see the competition.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 fashion? “Waistcoats” (very hipster).
45. Why did the dog like 2008? Because “Netflix Streaming” meant the humans never moved from the couch.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an Android? “A Google-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “BlackBerry Storm”? The “clickable” screen was just confusing.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2008 movie? Valkyrie (he also has secret missions).
49. Why did the parrot get a Spotify account? To “Stream” his own consciousness.
50. What do you call a cow that likes The Dark Knight? “The Silent Guardian.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “App Store” icons? He thought they were tiny treats.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 tech? “AirPods” (Wait, too early… “Bluetooth headsets”).
53. Why did the cat like Cloverfield? She also likes knocking down tall things and causing panic.
54. What do you call a donkey on “Spotify”? “A Bray-list.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 3G”? Faster “Uploads” of his songs.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2008 phrase? “Hope and Change” (He hoped for more treats and a change of diet).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Google Chrome”? He preferred the “Fox.”
58. What do you call a cat in Twilight? “A Cat-ward Cullen.”
59. Why did the pig like 2008? Because “Angry Birds” made pigs the main characters (sort of).
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 drink? “Vitamin Water Connect.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Quantum of Solace? Too much running, not enough sniffing.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Spotify? “A Parliament of Playlists.”
63. Why did the cat like 2008? Because “Snow Leopard” was the coolest name for an OS yet.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2008 song? “Disturbia” (in his cage).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Recession”? He heard humans talking about “cutting back on steaks.”
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Spotify? “A Fire-shuffler.”
67. Why did the parrot join the “App Store” hype? To download “Talking Tom.”
68. Why was 2008 a great year for a dog? Because “Beats by Dre” headphones meant his owner couldn’t hear him barking at the vacuum.
69. What do you call a horse that loves War Horse? “Pre-cognitive.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Kindle 2”? He still thought it was a very thin, boring bone.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2008 tech? The “MacBook Air” (light as wool).
72. Why did the squirrel love “Dropbox”? For “syncing” his acorns across multiple trees.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Lady Gaga? “Paws-itive Romance.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2008? Too many “Twitter” notifications waking him up.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2008 toy? A “Wii-mote” with a rubber cover (better grip).
76. Why did the pig like the year 2008? Because “Hulu” was finally letting him watch “Pig-s-a” movies.
77. What do you call a sheep that’s a Spotify influencer? “The Wooly Curator.”
78. Why was 2008 the peak for animals? Because humans finally found a “Store” that they could visit without putting on pants.
79. What do you call a cat in The Dark Knight? “Cat-woman’s intern.”
80. Why did the owl love 2008? Because “Google Chrome” made the web a “Hoot” to browse.
81. What’s a dog’s favorite 2008 game? Spore (he wanted to evolve into a creature with eight legs for faster running).