80 Animal Jokes: The 2014 Ice Bucket & Wearable Tech Protocol

Welcome to 2014. The year we all dumped freezing water on our heads for the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” the year Apple announced a watch that told us to stand up every hour, and the year Kim Kardashian “broke the internet” with a champagne glass. The animal kingdom is officially going wearable.

The 2014 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the Labrador’s owner tried to film an “Ice Bucket Challenge” in the backyard? The dog saw the bucket being lifted, assumed it was a giant game of “Mega-Splash,” and tackled his owner mid-pour. The video went viral not for the charity, but for the slow-motion footage of a soaking wet human being pinned to the grass by 80 pounds of excited fur who thought the North Pole had finally come to visit.
2. Why did the house cat develop a deep-seated hatred for the first-generation Apple Watch announced in September 2014? She spent years training her owner to be her personal furniture, and suddenly a small device on the human’s wrist was vibrating and telling them to “Time to stand!” just as the cat had achieved the perfect nap-pressure on their lap. The cat viewed the watch as a tiny, digital rival that was successfully staging a coup against her authority.
3. How did the farm dog react to the “Flappy Bird” craze that took over everyone’s phones that spring? He watched his owner tap the screen with increasing rage for three hours straight, eventually deciding that if a tiny, poorly-rendered bird could cause that much human misery, he would stick to chasing real pigeons, which at least have the decency to fly away instead of hitting a green pipe and causing a phone to be thrown across the room.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of “Amazon Prime Air” drone delivery tests in 2014? He argued that the sky was becoming overcrowded with “plastic woodpeckers” that didn’t know how to navigate a headwind, claiming that if a robot can’t distinguish between a doorstep and a hawk’s nest, it has no business carrying a package of overpriced HDMI cables through his airspace.
5. What did the squirrel think about the “Kim Kardashian Breaks the Internet” magazine cover? He looked at the photo of the champagne glass perched on her backside and was completely unimpressed, noting that he’s been balancing three acorns on his head while sprinting across a telephone wire in a thunderstorm since 2011, and he didn’t even get a mention in Vogue, let alone a digital meltdown.
6. How did the house dog react to the premiere of John Wick in late 2014? He watched the first fifteen minutes, looked at his owner with a new sense of security, and realized that if anything ever happened to his squeaky toy, his human was legally obligated to become an international super-assassin to avenge his honor—which made the dog feel much better about accidentally chewing the TV remote.
7. Why did the cat refuse to participate in the “No Makeup Selfie” trend that went viral in 2014? She argued that she had been rocking the “No Makeup, No Bath, No Responsibility” look for fifteen years and that humans were just now catching up to the fact that looking like you just crawled out of a laundry basket is actually the peak of high fashion.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought a “GoPro Hero 4” and strapped it to his back? “It’s great that you want a first-person view of my life, but I hope you enjoy 4K footage of a plastic tube and the underside of a cedar shaving, because unless this camera can detect where you hid the yogurt drops, it’s just making my daily marathon significantly less aerodynamic.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the launch of “Tinder” becoming a global phenomenon in 2014? She watched her owner “swipe left” on fifty different people in five minutes and concluded that humans are the most indecisive grazers in the animal kingdom—if a cow finds a good patch of grass, she doesn’t swipe; she stays there until the field is empty.
10. How did the dog react to the “Interstellar” movie release? He spent the whole three hours waiting for Matthew McConaughey to find a planet made of tennis balls, eventually deciding that “time dilation” was just a fancy way of explaining why five minutes of a human being at work feels like seventy years to a dog waiting by the front door.

The Full 2014 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the Ice Bucket Challenge? She didn’t—she just pushed the bucket on the dog.
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2014 movie? Guardians of the Galaxy (he really liked the trash panda).
13. Why did the parrot love the Apple Watch? It was a new “perch” that chirped back.
14. What do you call a sheep with a GoPro? “A Wooly-Vision-ary.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2014? Because “Twitch” became huge and he liked the fast movements.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2014 movie? The Lego Movie (everything is awesome when you build together).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Amazon Echo” (launched 2014)? Alexa didn’t listen to her orders for tuna.
18. What do you call a fish in Interstellar? “A Space-gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Selfie Stick”? He thought it was a very long arm he could never catch.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 song? “Happy” (Pharrell… she’s happy when she’s fluffy).
21. Why did the pig use Tinder? To look for “Ham-some” guys.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an Apple Watch? “Dolly-Time.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2014? Too many drones stealing his “Bird’s eye view” copyright.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2014 hobby? Taking “No-Horseshoe” selfies.
25. Why did the cat love Gone Girl? She also enjoys being mysterious and scaring people.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2014? A “4K-resolution” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at “Flappy Bird”? He was frustrated by the human’s screaming.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 band? “Five Seconds of Baaa-mmer.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPhone 6 Plus”? It was big enough to use as a shield.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Maleficent? “Moo-leficent.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Uber”? He preferred “Nut-lift.”
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2014 tech? The “Apple Watch” (it’s a vibrating wrist-toy).
33. Why did the dog like Big Hero 6? He thought Baymax was just a giant, inflatable pillow.
34. What do you call a group of ants on a GoPro? “Action-sects.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Ice Bucket” splash sound? To make his owner look for a leak.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 song? “Shake It Off” (Taylor Swift… especially after a bath).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Kim Kardashian” cover? She was looking for the laser pointer.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Godzilla (2014)? “A Lizard-hound.”
39. Why did the pig like The Grand Budapest Hotel? He heard the “Ham” was excellent.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2014 gadget? The “Fitbit Charge” (more tracking).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Bendgate” news? He also likes bending things (mostly shoes).
42. What do you call a cat on Tinder? “A Purr-fect Match.”
43. Why did the bird join “Slack” (launched 2014)? To improve “Channel” communication.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 fashion? “Normcore” (she’s the original).
45. Why did the dog like 2014? Because “Disney+” wasn’t out yet, so people still watched real movies.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an Apple Watch? “A Watch-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Fire Phone”? It was a “fizzled” hunt.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2014 movie? The Maze Runner (his life every day in the park).
49. Why did the parrot get a GoPro? To film his “Flight-vlogs.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes True Detective? “Moo-tty Hart.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Oculus Rift” (Dev Kit 2)? He didn’t like his owner wearing a digital blindfold.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 tech? “Apple Pay” (she wanted to pay in “wool”).
53. Why did the cat like Annabelle? She’s also a creepy doll that moves when you aren’t looking.
54. What do you call a donkey on Tinder? “A Swipe-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 6”? The rounded edges were easier to grip.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2014 phrase? “Break the Internet” (he thought it meant breaking the router).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Flappy Bird”? It made birds look incompetent.
58. What do you call a cat in Guardians of the Galaxy? “Meow-moora.”
59. Why did the pig like 2014? Because “Ham-ilton” was starting its workshop phase.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 drink? “Iced Coffee” (post-Bucket Challenge).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies? Too many CGI eagles, not enough real ones.
62. What do you call a group of owls on an Apple Watch? “A Parliament of Seconds.”
63. Why did the cat like 2014? Because “Yosemite” (OS X 10.10) sounded like a big park to explore.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2014 song? “Fancy” (Iggy Az-hamster).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Ice Bucket Challenge”? He was always the one who got splashed by accident.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes GoPro? “A Fire-vlogger.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Tinder”? To “Squawk-swipe.”
68. Why was 2014 a great year for a dog? Because “John Wick” made everyone treat their dogs with way more respect.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Birdman? “Stable-cinematographer.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Apple Watch” heartbeat sensor? He thought there was a tiny heart inside the glass.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2014 tech? The “Surface Pro 3.”
72. Why did the squirrel love “GoPro”? For the “Nut-eye-view” shots.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Lana Del Rey? “Summertime-sadness-paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2014? Too many “Selfie” sticks acting like extra branches.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2014 toy? A GoPro chest mount (he was the cameraman).
76. Why was 2014 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy dumping water on themselves to notice the dog eating the steak.
77. What do you call a cow in a “No Makeup Selfie”? “A Natural Moo-ty.”
78. Why did the dog bark at the “iPhone 6 Plus”? He thought it was a small iPad.
79. What do you call a cat that survived “Break the Internet”? “A Web-specialist.”
80. Why did the owl love 2014? Because it was a “Hoot-wearable” year.