72 Animal Jokes: The 2009 Avatar & Crypto Protocol

Welcome to 2009. The year James Cameron turned everyone blue with Avatar, the year Bitcoin was quietly born in a corner of the internet, and the year we realized that Kanye West really, really cares about who has the best music video of all time. The animal kingdom is getting surreal.

The 2009 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the farm dog watched Avatar in 3D for the first time? He spent two and a half hours wearing oversized plastic glasses, growling at the screen because he couldn’t understand why the giant blue “cat-people” were riding winged lizards instead of doing something sensible like chasing a ball or napping in a sunbeam—eventually, he tried to jump into the screen to join the Na’vi, only to hit his nose on the glass and realize that Pandora is just a high-budget hallucination.
2. Why did the house cat become the world’s first feline “Bitcoin miner” in early 2009? She realized that the fan on the back of the family’s desktop computer stayed warm 24/7 while it processed hashes, so she spent the entire year sleeping on the tower to maximize her comfort levels, accidentally “mining” 500 BTC that she immediately “lost” because she used the private key as a scratching post and then vomited on the motherboard.
3. How did the parrot react to the Kanye West and Taylor Swift incident at the 2009 VMAs? Every time the family sat down for dinner, the parrot would fly over to the table, knock the salt shaker out of his owner’s hand, and scream, “Yo, Dave, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish your soup, but Beyoncé had one of the best crackers of all time! One of the best crackers of all time!”
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of Microsoft’s “Bing” search engine in 2009? He argued that the name sounded like a microwave finishing a potato and that the world didn’t need another way to ask “Who?”, claiming that until a search engine can accurately track the movements of a field mouse in a tall grass field at 3:00 AM, it’s just a glorified encyclopedia with a pretty background picture.
5. What did the squirrel think about the launch of “FarmVille” on Facebook that summer? He watched his owner click on virtual strawberries for eight hours a day and felt a deep sense of pity, realizing that humans had finally reached a point where they would rather “harvest” digital pixels than go outside and find a real, physical nut—though he did try to “Add” the neighborhood cat as a friend just so he could send her a “Cow” as a passive-aggressive threat.
6. How did the Golden Retriever react to the news of Michael Jackson’s passing? He spent the rest of the year trying to “Moonwalk” across the hardwood floor, which mostly just involved him sliding backward while trying to bark at his own reflection, eventually deciding that being the “King of Pop-ups” (from behind the couch) was a much more sustainable career path for a dog.
7. Why did the cat refuse to acknowledge the debut of the “Motorola Droid” in late 2009? She looked at the slide-out keyboard and the robotic “Droid” voice and told her owner, “I don’t need a phone that sounds like a sci-fi villain; I already have a ‘self-sliding’ mechanism for my claws and a ‘vibrate’ mode that signifies absolute contentment, neither of which requires a Verizon data plan.”
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought a “Fitbit” (launched in 2009) to track their steps? “Oh, that’s cute—you’re wearing a little clip to count how many times you walk to the fridge? I’ve been doing 20,000 rotations a night in a cage the size of a shoebox since 2007, and I don’t need a wireless sync to tell me I’m a high-performance athlete in a furry suit.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the “Jersey Shore” premiere in 2009? She watched the cast for ten minutes and concluded that “GTL” (Gym, Tan, Laundry) was a very inefficient way to live, arguing that her version—”GMT” (Grass, Moo, Tail-swish)—provided much better results and didn’t require nearly as much hair gel or orange self-tanner.
10. How did the dog react to the launch of “Windows 7” after years of using Vista? He sat by the monitor and let out a long, relieved sigh, sensing that the “User Account Control” pop-ups were finally calming down, which meant his owner was less likely to throw the mouse (which he always wanted to fetch) through the window in a fit of technological rage.

The Full 2009 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the Bitcoin network? She heard there was a “Genesis Block” (she thought it was a new brand of catnip).
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2009 movie? Up (he’s still looking for the “Point!” bird).
13. Why did the parrot love Avatar? He wanted to know if he could get a blue paint job for his feathers.
14. What do you call a sheep with Bitcoin? “A Crypto-ewe.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2009? Because “Windows 7” was his “idea” (he likes the number 7… and windows).
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2009 movie? District 9 (he related to the “prawns”).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Nook” (launched 2009)? It was another screen that wasn’t a window.
18. What do you call a fish in Avatar? “A Na’vi-gator.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Magic Mouse”? He couldn’t find the tail.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 song? “Poker Face” (Baaa-baaa-poker face).
21. Why did the pig use “Bing”? Because he heard it had great “Ham” searches.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep that’s a fan of Michael Jackson? “Dolly Jean.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2009? Too many people “Checking in” on Foursquare (he thought they were stealing his nests).
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2009 hobby? “FarmVille” (he wanted to be the mayor).
25. Why did the cat love The Hangover? She also wakes up in weird places with no memory of what happened.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2009? A “Blockchain” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the “Drunken Sailor” meme? He thought it was a real threat to his shore-leave.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 band? “The Baaa-ck Eyed Peas.”
29. Why did the monkey like the iPhone 3GS? “S” stood for “Simian” (he was wrong).
30. What do you call a cow that likes Avatar? “Moo-tiri.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Bitcoin”? You can’t bury a digital coin in the garden.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2009 tech? The “DJ Hero” turntable (perfect for scratching).
33. Why did the dog like Paul Blart: Mall Cop? He also takes his security job way too seriously.
34. What do you call a group of ants on “FarmVille”? “Crop-raiders.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Angry Birds” theme? To start a fight in the living room.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 song? “I Gotta Feeling” (Tonight’s gonna be a good baaa).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Bitcoin” price chart? She liked the “volatility” (it looked like a jumping mouse).
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Star Trek (2009)? “Bark-ley.”
39. Why did the pig like Inglourious Basterds? He heard it was about “Ham-bush” tactics.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2009 gadget? The “Flip Video” camera.
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Kindle DX”? It was a bigger, even more boring bone.
42. What do you call a cat that uses “Bing”? “A Search-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join “Foursquare”? To be the “Mayor” of the birdhouse.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 fashion? “Snuggies” (she’s already wearing one).
45. Why did the dog like 2009? Because “Twitter” meant his owner was always “Tweeting” (which he thought was a bird hunt).
46. What do you call a fish that uses Bitcoin? “A Crypto-carp.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Palm Pre”? The “pebble” shape was too easy to lose under the fridge.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2009 movie? Sherlock Holmes (he’s good at deducing where nuts are).
49. Why did the parrot get a Fitbit? To track his “Wing-steps.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes Jersey Shore? “Snooki-moo.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Beats Solo” headphones? He thought they were giant earmuffs to stop him from hearing the word “Walk.”
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 tech? “Windows 7” (it was her idea, remember?).
53. Why did the cat like Paranormal Activity? She’s the one moving the stuff anyway.
54. What do you call a donkey on “FarmVille”? “An Ass-et manager.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPod Shuffle” (3rd Gen)? It had no buttons, just like a twig.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2009 phrase? “Yes We Can!” (Fetch the ball).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Bing”? He preferred the “Nut-scape” (He’s very old-school).
58. What do you call a cat in Avatar? “A Toruk Meow-to.”
59. Why did the pig like 2009? Because “Angry Birds” launched and he was the “Boss.”
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 drink? “Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte” (It started becoming a “thing”).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie 2012? He didn’t want to get his fur wet in the flood.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Bitcoin? “A Parliament of HODL-ers.”
63. Why did the cat like 2009? Because “Snow Leopard” (OS X 10.6) was finally released.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2009 song? “Party in the U.S.A.” (Miley Cy-hamster).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Bitcoin” whitepaper? Too many math-bones, not enough meat-bones.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Avatar? “A Blue-breather.”
67. Why did the parrot join “FarmVille”? To steal the digital seeds.
68. Why was 2009 a great year for a dog? Because “Dug” from Up proved that all dogs really want to say is “SQUIRREL!”
69. What do you call a horse that loves Zombieland? “Stable-survivalist.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Canon EOS 7D”? He thought the “shutter” was a tiny squirrel sneezing.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2009 tech? The “iPad” (Wait, 2010… let’s go with “Magic Trackpad”).
72. Why did the squirrel love “Bitcoin”? He heard it was a “Digital Gold” and he wanted to bury his hard drive.