68 Animal Jokes: The 2001 Shrek & Pod Protocol

Welcome to 2001. A year where we learned that ogres have layers like onions, Wikipedia gave us a way to win every argument, and Apple told us we could fit 1,000 songs in our pockets (though most of us just filled it with “All Star” and “Smooth”).

The 2001 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What did the family dog do when his owner finally bought the first-generation iPod? He sat by the charger for three hours looking deeply offended, because he couldn’t understand how a tiny white box was allowed to have “1,000 tracks” in it when he was usually yelled at just for leaving one muddy track in the hallway.
2. Why did the cat become an early contributor to Wikipedia on its launch day in January 2001? He spent six hours typing “asdfghjkl” into the search bar, successfully creating a 400-page entry on why the “Red Laser Dot” is actually a government conspiracy designed to keep felines from achieving world domination through afternoon naps.
3. Why was the donkey so obsessed with the movie Shrek that summer? He felt that for the first time in cinematic history, the struggles of being a fast-talking, waffle-loving sidekick were finally being treated with the dramatic weight they deserved, though he was disappointed the Oscars didn’t have a category for “Best Accidental Flight via Pixie Dust.”
4. What happened when the owl tried to go to a midnight screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? He was stopped at the door because the manager thought he was a method actor trying to get a job at the Owlery, but the owl just wanted to see if the movie version of Hedwig got better dental insurance than the one in the books.
5. Why did the squirrel decide that 2001 was the year he would stop burying nuts and start “digitizing” his collection? He bought a used Mac G4 and tried to drag-and-drop an actual acorn into a folder called “Winter_Assets,” but after the screen froze, he realized that “The Cloud” was just a place where rain comes from, not a storage solution for snacks.
6. How did the house cat react to the launch of Halo: Combat Evolved on the original Xbox? He stared at the giant “Duke” controller and decided that if a human needs something that big to move a character on a screen, they clearly lack the thumb-less grace required to knock a glass of water off a table with a single, elegant paw-swipe.
7. Why did the cow refuse to believe that Wikipedia was a reliable source of information in 2001? She looked up the entry for “Milk” and found that someone had edited it to say it was “the primary fuel for 90s boy bands,” leading her to believe that the internet was just a giant field where anyone could plant a “lie-seed” and watch it grow.
8. What did the parrot say when he heard the dial-up modem struggling to connect to the internet in late 2001? He perfectly mimicked the screeching noise, then added, “It’s okay, Dave, by the time the page loads, the iPod Mini will be out and we’ll both be obsolete,” proving that parrots have a very dark sense of technological foreshadowing.
9. Why was the hamster so confused by the concept of the first “iTunes” library? He spent all night trying to find the “Seed” section, eventually realizing that “burning a CD” didn’t involve any actual fire or cooking, which was a huge relief for someone who lives in a house made of flammable wood shavings.
10. Why did the Golden Retriever get kicked out of the Monsters, Inc. premiere? Because every time Sulley appeared on screen, the dog would lose his mind, convinced that a six-foot-tall, blue-furred “Mega-Dog” had finally come to lead the canine revolution and liberate all the “Good Boys” from their leashes.

The Full 2001 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat hate the iPod? You couldn’t chew on the “scroll wheel” without getting yelled at.
12. What’s a donkey’s favorite 2001 movie? Shrek (it’s a documentary to him).
13. Why did the dog bark at the Xbox? He thought the giant green “X” was a target for a very large frisbee.
14. What do you call a sheep that uses Wikipedia? An “Ewe-clopedia.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2001? Because “broadband” sounded like a place where they sell very thick acorns.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite handheld? The “Game Boy Advance” (more pixels for the crumbs).
17. Why did the parrot like Harry Potter? He wanted to know if he could get a gig as a “postal” bird.
18. What do you call a fish in Shrek’s swamp? “Ogre-the-top.”
19. Why did the cat sit on the DVD player? It was the “Lord of the Rings” (and the Heat).
20. What’s a dog’s favorite 2001 song? “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias (he thinks it’s about him fetching a ball).
21. Why did the pig use Wikipedia? To find out if “Pork Bellies” were actually a good investment.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an iPod? “Dolly Digital.”
23. Why did the bird hate the 2001 internet? Too many “cookies,” not enough “worms.”
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2001 hobby? Editing the “Stable” version of articles.
25. Why did the cat love the movie Cats & Dogs (2001)? He thought it was a training video.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2001? A “Vintage” heater.
27. Why did the dog bark at the iPod advertisement? He didn’t trust people who were just “silhouettes.”
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2001 band? “The Baaa-ckstreet Boys.”
29. Why did the monkey like Wikipedia? He heard it was a “Gorilla” marketing tactic.
30. What do you call a cow that survives 2001? “Moo-lennium 1.1.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate the iPod? He couldn’t hide his nuts in the “FireWire” port.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2001 tech? The “Optical Mouse” (no balls to chase, just light).
33. Why did the dog like Shrek? Because the Donkey was basically a dog that could talk and live in a swamp.
34. What do you call a group of ants on a Game Boy Advance? “Micro-gamers.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Shrek” roar? To scare the mailman away.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2001 song? “Fallin'” by Alicia Keys (usually off a fence).
37. Why did the cat stare at the Wikipedia logo? He thought it was a ball of yarn made of letters.
38. What do you call a dog that knows all about the iPod? A “Pod-pointer.”
39. Why did the pig like Harry Potter? He wanted to go to “Hog-warts.”
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2001 gadget? The “Flash Drive” (quick seeds).
41. Why did the dog bark at the computer screen? He saw a “Dead Link.”
42. What do you call a cat that uses a Mac? An “iCat.”
43. Why did the bird join Wikipedia? To fix all the “wrong” facts about migration.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2001 fashion? Low-rise “wool” jeans.
45. Why did the dog like the year 2001? Because people were too busy looking at iPods to notice him eating the couch.
46. What do you call a fish that edits Wikipedia? A “Wiki-fin.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Original Xbox”? It was too big to be knocked off the shelf easily.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2001 movie? Planet of the Apes (he related to the tree climbing).
49. Why did the parrot get an iPod? To record his own “greatest hits.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes Lord of the Rings? “Moo-dor.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the Wikipedia “Donate” button? He didn’t have any money, only bones.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2001 tech? The “Ewe-S-B” 2.0.
53. Why did the cat like Monsters, Inc.? Because he also enjoys hiding in closets to scare people.
54. What do you call a donkey that won’t stop talking? “A 2001 Movie Star.”
55. Why did the bird like the iPod? Because of the “Shuffle” (his favorite dance).
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2001 phrase? “That’s a big ‘X’!” (looking at the Xbox).
57. Why did the squirrel hate Wikipedia? It didn’t have a map to his buried nuts.
58. What do you call a cat in a Harry Potter movie? “Professor Mc-Gona-paws.”
59. Why did the pig like the iPod? Because it was “ham”-sized.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2001 drink? “Ba-aaa-bble Tea.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Legally Blonde? He thought the Chihuahua was in charge.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Wikipedia? A “Fact-check of Owls.”
63. Why did the cat like 2001? Because “Windows XP” sounded like a place with a lot of sills to sit on.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2001 song? “Get the Party Started” (in the wheel).
65. Why did the dog hate the iPod scroll wheel? It didn’t make a “clicking” sound like a real toy.
66. What do you call a dragon that loves Wikipedia? A “Fire-expert.”
67. Why did the parrot join a boy band in 2001? Because he was a “Backstreet” Bird.
68. Why was 2001 a great year for animals? Because humans finally had 1,000 songs to ignore them with.