83 Animal Jokes: The 2004 Social Feed & Filter Protocol

Welcome to 2004. Mark Zuckerberg just launched “TheFacebook” from his dorm, Google invited us to a mysterious thing called “Gmail” (but only if you had an invite), and Mean Girls taught us that on Wednesdays, we wear pink. The animal kingdom is officially moving from the “desktop” to the “social feed.”

The 2004 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. Why did the golden retriever get rejected from joining “TheFacebook” in February 2004? Because even though he had a valid “.edu” email address (belonging to the campus security office), the algorithm realized that “Eating Homework” isn’t a recognized academic major and “Professional Good Boy” didn’t fit into the relationship status options—though he did try to “Poke” everyone in the quad in real life.
2. What happened when the house cat finally received a “Gmail” invite in April 2004? He was thrilled about the 1GB of storage space, immediately using it to archive 4,000 high-resolution drafts of emails he never intended to send, mostly consisting of the letter “Z” repeated indefinitely because he fell asleep on the keyboard while waiting for his owner to refresh the inbox.
3. Why did the parrot get obsessed with the movie Mean Girls that spring? He spent the rest of the year flying around the house telling the family cat, “You can’t sit with us!” and “Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen!” which was particularly confusing for the dog, who had spent the last three years of his life dedicated to that exact sport.
4. How did the farm dog react to the launch of the Mars Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, in early 2004? He watched the footage from the Red Planet and felt a deep sense of betrayal, realizing that humans had spent billions of dollars to send a robot millions of miles away to dig for “evidence of water” when he had been digging for “evidence of a bone” in the backyard for free since 1998.
5. Why was the owl so skeptical about the debut of the “Motorola Razr” phone? He saw how thin the flip-phone was and concluded that it was a terrible hunting tool, claiming that if a human can’t even feel the weight of their own technology in their pocket, they’ll never understand the physical struggle of carrying a field mouse through a headwind.
6. What did the squirrel think about the launch of the “World of Warcraft” in late 2004? He watched his owner disappear into a virtual forest for 16 hours a day and decided that humans had finally lost their minds—why would anyone pay a monthly subscription to “level up” a digital character in a forest when there are perfectly good trees outside with real acorns and no monthly fees?
7. How did the cat react to the first-ever “Photo Filter” trends starting in 2004? She stared at a sepia-toned print-out of herself and decided that while the vintage look made her appear like a sophisticated 19th-century aristocrat, it didn’t change the fact that her “red-eye” in digital photos still made her look like a demon who was about to knock a vase off the mantle.
8. Why did the dog bark at the TV during the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens? He was convinced that the “Hurdles” were just a very elaborate and public way for humans to practice jumping over the baby-gate he had been trying to defeat for six months, and he was taking notes on their technique for his next midnight raid on the pantry.
9. What did the hamster say when his owner bought an “iPod Mini” in a vibrant pink color? “It’s cute that you think you can fit your entire personality into a small anodized aluminum box, but wake me up when Apple releases an iPod that can actually dispense sunflower seeds or provide a silent running wheel.”
10. Why was the cow so confused by the popularity of the “Blueberry” (BlackBerry 7230) in 2004? She saw everyone staring at their thumbs and clicking frantically, and she spent the whole afternoon trying to find an actual blueberry in the grass, eventually concluding that humans have a very strange definition of “fruit” if it involves checking work emails during lunch.

The Full 2004 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join “TheFacebook”? To find “Mew-tual” friends.
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2004 movie? Anchorman (because he’s a very good boy and he has many leather-bound books).
13. Why did the parrot love Gmail? Because it gave him plenty of “space” to squawk.
14. What do you call a sheep with a Motorola Razr? “Cutting-edge wool.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2004? Because “Firefox 1.0” launched and he liked the tail.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2004 movie? Spider-Man 2 (the villain had too many legs).
17. Why did the cat hate the iPod Photo? She didn’t want her nap-fails seen in “vivid color.”
18. What do you call a fish in Shark Tale? “Will Smith-ish.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the Nintendo DS? He didn’t understand why a bone would have two screens.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 song? “Yeah!” by Usher (Yeah! Baaa! Yeah!).
21. Why did the pig use Google? To search for “Boar-ing” meetings.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep on a social network? “Copy-Paste-Dolly.”
23. Why did the bird hate the 2004 internet? Too much “Phishing.”
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2004 hobby? Playing World of Warcraft (as a Mount).
25. Why did the cat love Napoleon Dynamite? She also thinks everyone is an idiot.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2004? A “Legacy” Firewall.
27. Why did the dog bark at the Shrek 2 DVD? He wanted to know where Puss in Boots kept his sword.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 band? “Green Baaa-y.”
29. Why did the monkey like the Razr phone? It was easy to “peel” open.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Mean Girls? “Regina Moo-ge.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate Gmail? He couldn’t figure out where the “Invite” nuts were hidden.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2004 tech? The “Laser” mouse (finally, a mouse she can’t catch).
33. Why did the dog like the Athens Olympics? The “Shot Put” looked like a very heavy game of fetch.
34. What do you call a group of ants in World of Warcraft? “A Raid.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Motorola” ringtone? To make the humans jump.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 song? “Toxic” (by Britney Spears… but she thinks it’s the dip).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Firefox” logo? She wanted to catch the fox.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Lost? “Bark-ley.”
39. Why did the pig like The Incredibles? He heard there was a “Ham” hero.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2004 gadget? The “Flash Drive” (still storing).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Touch Screen”? He thought it was a window he could lick.
42. What do you call a cat that uses “TheFacebook”? A “Profile-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join Gmail? For the “Threaded” conversations (like a nest).
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 fashion? Ugg boots (she felt represented).
45. Why did the dog like 2004? Because “DVD Box Sets” meant his owners never left the house.
46. What do you call a fish that uses a DSLR? A “Snap-per.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “PSP”? It was too loud for her 18-hour beauty sleep.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2004 movie? National Treasure (he also hides things in plain sight).
49. Why did the parrot get a BlackBerry? To manage his “Tweet-er” feed.
50. What do you call a cow that likes Desperate Housewives? “Moo-riel.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Skype” video call? He thought the human was trapped in the box.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 tech? “Podcast” (she thought it was a “Pod-cast” for broken legs).
53. Why did the cat like Saw? She also enjoys playing games with mice.
54. What do you call a donkey on “TheFacebook”? “An Ass-ociate.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPod U2 Special Edition”? He liked the red scroll wheel.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2004 phrase? “You’re Fired!” (He heard it on The Apprentice and thought it meant a barbecue).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Google Maps”? It didn’t show the resolution of individual acorns.
58. What do you call a cat in World of Warcraft? “A Meow-litionist.”
59. Why did the pig like 2004? Because “Pork-mon” was still popular (he misheard Pokemon).
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 drink? “Mountain Dew Code Red.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie The Day After Tomorrow? He didn’t like the “Cold” weather.
62. What do you call a group of owls on “TheFacebook”? “A Poke of Owls.”
63. Why did the cat like 2004? Because “Tiger” (OS X 10.4) was announced.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2004 song? “Drop It Like It’s Hot” (usually his food).
65. Why did the dog hate the 2004 Tsunami news? He doesn’t like big baths.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Mean Girls? “A Burn-Book Breather.”
67. Why did the parrot join “TheFacebook”? To “Post” on every wall.
68. Why was 2004 a great year for a dog? Because “Bluetooth” meant he could talk to other dogs (he thought).
69. What do you call a horse that loves Troy? “A Wooden One.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “USB” port? He thought it was a tiny dog door.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2004 tech? The “iMac G5.”
72. Why did the squirrel love “Firefox”? It was faster than the “Explorer.”
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Gwen Stefani? “A Holla-back Cat.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2004? Too many “Viruses” in his inbox.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2004 toy? A “Shrek” chew toy.
76. Why did the pig like Gmail? Because of the “Spam” folder.
77. What do you call a sheep that’s a Facebook expert? “The Social Grazer.”
78. Why did the cat survive 2004? Because she has “Filtered” out all the nonsense.
79. What’s a dog’s favorite 2004 game? Half-Life 2 (he liked the Gravity Gun for fetching).
80. Why did the bird join Gmail? To send “Large Attach-ments.”
81. Why was 2004 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy sending “TheFacebook” pokes to realize the dog stole the turkey.
82. What do you call a fish in a pink shirt? “Mean Gills.”
83. Why did the owl love 2004? Because it was a “Hoot-enanny.”