75 Bar Jokes: The 2006 “Twitter & Casino Royale” Edition

In 2006, the bar conversation became shorter—exactly 140 characters shorter. It was the year of the “Vesper Martini,” the rise of Nintendo Wii (causing many broken bar TVs), and the beginning of the end for our attention spans. If you weren’t “tweeting” your drink, were you even drinking it?

The 2006 Top 10: The “Bond & Birds” Jokes

1. The First Tweet: A guy walks into a bar and yells, “I am eating a pretzel!” The bartender asks, “Who are you talking to?” The guy says, “My 14 followers. I call it ‘Twittering’.”
2. The Vesper Martini: A guy walks into a bar and orders a Martini with three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, and half a measure of Kina Lillet. The bartender says, “You’ve been watching too much Casino Royale, Daniel. You want a beer or not?”
3. The Time Person of the Year: A guy walks in and demands a free drink. The bartender asks, “Why?” The guy points at a Time magazine and says, “Because I’m the Person of the Year! Look at the mirror on the cover!”
4. The Nintendo Wii: A guy starts swinging his arm wildly at the bar. The bartender says, “Sir, if you’re playing Wii Sports, please use the wrist strap. You just knocked out a Guinness and a regular.”
5. The Borat: A guy walks into a bar and says, “Very nice! I like!” The bartender says, “If you call my wife a ‘naughty turtle’, you’re banned for life.”
6. The Pluto Demotion: A guy sits down and looks depressed. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The guy says, “I used to be a planet. Now I’m just a ‘dwarf’ at the end of the bar.”
7. The Justin Timberlake: A guy walks in and says, “I’m bringing sexy back.” The bartender says, “The other boys don’t know how to act, but I do—pay your tab.”
8. The Google Buys YouTube: A guy says, “Google just bought YouTube for 1.6 billion dollars!” The bartender says, “For that much money, I hope they can finally make the videos load faster than a snail.”
9. The Da Vinci Code: A guy starts looking for secret symbols in the foam of his beer. The bartender says, “It’s not a code, Dan. It’s just carbonation.”
10. The Snakes on a Plane: A guy stands up and yells, “I’ve had it with these mother-fing snakes in this mother-fing bar!” The bartender says, “Sir, those are just the draft lines. Sit down.”

The Full 2006 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Appletini: “Is it still legendary?” “It’s 2006, Barney Stinson says yes, so the bar says yes.”
12. The Twitter Limit: A guy tries to tell a long story. The bartender says, “Sorry, I only listen to the first 140 words now.”
13. The Blu-ray vs. HD-DVD: Two guys get into a fight. One says, “Blu-ray is the future!” The other says, “HD-DVD forever!” The bartender says, “You’re both nerds. Drink your lager.”
14. The Shakira: A girl starts dancing. The bartender says, “Those hips don’t lie, but your ID says you’re 25 and I’m not so sure.”
15. The Rocky Balboa: A 60-year-old guy walks in and asks for a raw egg in his beer. The bartender says, “One more round, Rocky?”
16. The High School Musical: A group of teens try to get in. The bartender says, “We’re all in this together, and by ‘this’, I mean the ‘No Minors’ policy.”
17. The Facebook Open: A guy says, “Now everyone can join Facebook, not just college kids!” The bartender says, “Great, now my mom can see what I do at work.”
18. The 300: A guy kicks a stool and yells, “THIS IS SPARTA!” The bartender says, “No, this is a pub in London. Get out.”
19. The Gnarls Barkley: “Does that make me crazy?” The bartender says, “Probably, you’re talking to a glass of water.”
20. The Amy Winehouse: A girl orders a drink and the bartender says, “Maybe you should go to rehab.” She says, “No, no, no.”
21. The Pirates 2: A guy asks for a “Dead Man’s Chest.” The bartender gives him a shot of rum and a wooden box.
22. The Ugly Betty: A girl with braces orders a drink. The bartender says, “Beauty is on the inside, but the gin is on the shelf.”
23. The MacBook Pro: A guy opens a silver laptop. The bartender says, “Careful, don’t get ‘Intel Inside’ your beer.”
24. The Dick in a Box: A guy walks in with a gift-wrapped box tied to his waist. The bartender says, “I’m calling the police.”
25. The MySpace Era: A guy says, “Check out my profile song!” The bartender says, “I’d rather listen to a blender.”
26. The Blackberry Pearl: A guy is typing with a trackball. The bartender says, “You look like you’re tickling a tiny mouse.”
27. The Grey’s Anatomy: A guy orders a “McDreamy” cocktail. The bartender gives him a shot of bourbon and a smolder.
28. The Heroes: A guy says, “Save the cheerleader, save the world!” The bartender says, “Save your money, buy a round.”
29. The Rihanna: “SOS, please someone help me!” The bartender says, “I’m trying, but you’re drinking too fast.”
30. The Fergie: “My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.” The bartender says, “Please stop describing your appetizers.”
31. The Pan’s Labyrinth: A guy puts two olives over his eyes. The bartender says, “Nice monster, now pay the bill.”
32. The Departed: A guy says, “Are you a cop?” The bartender says, “Are you a cop?” They both stare at each other for an hour.
33. The Superman Returns: A guy tries to stop a bullet with his beer. It doesn’t work.
34. The Happy Feet: A guy starts tap-dancing. The bartender says, “You’re not a penguin, you’re just drunk.”
35. The Devil Wears Prada: A woman orders a “skinny latte martini” and complains about the garnish.
36. The Wii Remote: A guy accidentally throws his drink across the room. “The strap broke!”
37. The Twitter Follower: “Will you follow me home?” “No, I’ll only follow you on the internet.”
38. The Jägerbomb: Still the undisputed king of bad decisions in 2006.
39. The Cosmopolitan: “Is it out of style?” “Not as long as there’s cranberry juice in the world.”
40. The Mojito: The bartender says, “I dream in mint leaves. Make it stop.”
41. The Red Bull: A guy says, “I can see the future!” The bartender says, “Is there more Red Bull in it?”
42. The Bud Light: “Real Men of Genius…” The bartender says, “This one is for you, Mr. Giant-Bluetooth-Headset-Wearer.”
43. The Stella Artois: A guy orders one and thinks he’s in a French film.
44. The Corona: “With a lime, please.” “It’s 2006, we use lemons now for ‘edginess’.”
45. The Guinness: The pour takes so long the guy checks his email three times.
46. The Tequila: A guy takes a shot and thinks he’s Borat. “Great success!”
47. The Whiskey Sour: As sour as Pluto being kicked out of the solar system.
48. The Manhattan: “A big drink for a big city.”
49. The Old Fashioned: “For the guy who doesn’t care about Twitter.”
50. The Sidecar: “Does it come with a passenger?”
51. The Rusty Nail: “Tougher than a 2006 cell phone.”
52. The Dark and Stormy: “Like the plot of a Christopher Nolan movie.”
53. The Sex on the Beach: A guy orders one and the bartender says, “Keep it PG-13.”
54. The Kamikaze: “To the end of the night!”
55. The B-52: “Light it up like the 4th of July.”
56. The Mimosa: “Brunch is a mindset.”
57. The Sangria: “Fruit salad with a punch.”
58. The Margarita: “Salt is the only thing keeping me together.”
59. The Draft Beer: “Fresh from the keg, unlike my MySpace Top 8.”
60. The Coaster: A guy uses it to write a 140-character poem.
61. The Bar Snack: “Are these nuts organic?” “They’re 2006-standard: Salty and mysterious.”
62. The Ice Cube: “I’m cooler than a Blu-ray player.”
63. The Bottle Opener: “The hero the bar deserves.”
64. The Bar Stool: “Reserved for the ‘Person of the Year’.”
65. The Neon Sign: The ‘Open’ sign is the only thing brighter than the guy’s future.
66. The Karaoke: A guy tries to sing “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. He’s not wrong.
67. The Pool Table: A guy says, “I’m the king of the table.” The 8-ball says, “Not today.”
68. The Bouncer: “You’re too drunk for Twitter.” “I’ll tweet about this!”
69. The Bartender’s Tip: “A dollar a tweet.”
70. The Vodka Tonic: “Clear and crisp, like a 720p screen.”
71. The Rum and Coke: “The Captain is always in charge.”
72. The Wine List: “I’ll have the red that isn’t Pluto-colored.”
73. The Closing Time: “Last call! Go home and update your status!”
74. The 2006 Ending: A guy says, “Next year, I’m getting an iPhone!” The bartender says, “A what? Sounds like an expensive eye-patch.”
75. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2007, I’m going to be more than 140 characters.”