56 Bar Jokes: The 1995 “Neon Signs & Jukebox” Edition

In 1995, bar humor was built on the classic “A guy walks into a bar” setup. It was an era before smartphones, where if you wanted to settle a bet about a movie star’s name, you had to ask the bartender or find a payphone. People actually talked to the stranger on the next stool, and the most high-tech thing in the room was a neon Budweiser sign that flickered in sync with the grunge music playing on the radio.

The 1995 Top 10: The “Classic Pub & Pints” Jokes

The Talking Dog: A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.” The guy says, “But this is a talking dog!” The bartender says, “Yeah, right. If he talks, I’ll give you a free drink.” The guy asks the dog, “What’s on top of a house?” The dog says, “Roof!” The bartender kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at the guy and asks, “Should I have said ‘shingles’?”
The Horse: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, why the long face?”
The Skeleton: A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer… and a mop.”
The Grasshopper: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”
The Neutrino: A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve neutrinos here.” The neutrino says, “That’s okay, I’m just passing through.”
The Bear: A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a gin and…………………. tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear looks at his paws and says, “I was born with them.”
The Two-Dollar Bill: A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a two-dollar bill. The bartender looks at it and says, “We don’t see many of these around here.” The guy says, “At these prices, you won’t see many more.”
The Blind Man: A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
The Termite: A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
The Mushroom: A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”

The Full 1995 Bar Archive (Extended List)

The Duck: A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The Seal: A seal walks into a bar and orders a drink. “That’ll be five dollars,” says the bartender. The seal pays. The bartender says, “We don’t get many seals in here.” The seal says, “At five dollars a beer, I’m not surprised.”
The Ghost: A ghost walks into a bar and orders a spirit.
The Priest and the Rabbi: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
The Sandwich: A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
The Dyslexic: A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
The Tennis Ball: A tennis ball walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Have you been served?”
The Screwdriver: A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver says, “What? You have a drink named Philip?”
The Kangaroo: A kangaroo walks into a bar, orders a beer, and hands over a $20 bill. The bartender gives him $1 back. The kangaroo doesn’t say anything. Finally, the bartender says, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $19 a beer, you won’t get any more!”
The Comedian: A guy walks into a bar and says “Ouch!” It was an iron bar.
The Programmer: A programmer walks into a bar and orders 1.0000001 beers.
The Mathematician: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter. The bartender says, “You guys are idiots,” and pours two beers.
The Physics Joke: A bar walks into a guy. Oops, wrong frame of reference.
The C, the E-flat, and the G: A C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
The Irish Man: An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen!
The Pope: The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Your Holiness?” The Pope says, “Just a little wine. I’m on a mission.”
The Roman: A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
The Mirror: A guy walks into a bar and sees a mirror. He says, “Hey, I know that guy!”
The Pavlov: Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings. He jumps up and says, “Shoot! I forgot to feed the dog!”
The Helium: Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
The Parallel Lines: Two parallel lines walk into a bar. They have so much in common, but they never meet.
The Past, Present, and Future: The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
The Oxygen and Magnesium: Oxygen and Magnesium go out on a date to a bar. I was like, “O MG!”
The Statistically Significant: A guy walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer for me and one for my statistically significant other.”
The Cliff: A man walks into a bar on top of a cliff. He orders a drink, drinks it, walks to the window, and jumps out. A minute later, he walks back in. Another guy says, “How did you do that?” The first guy says, “The air currents are perfect here. Try it!” The second guy jumps out and falls 500 feet to his death. The bartender looks at the first guy and says, “Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
The Punctuation: A comma walks into a bar and tells a story, but it’s just a pause.
The Snail: A snail knocks on a bar door. The bartender opens it, sees the snail, and throws him across the street. Two years later, the snail knocks again. The bartender opens the door. The snail asks, “What was that for?”
The Gold: Gold walks into a bar. The bartender yells, “AU, get out of here!”
The E-flat: An E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors.”
The Higgs Boson: The Higgs Boson walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve Higgs Bosons here.” The Higgs Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
The String: A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings.” The string goes outside, ties himself in a knot, and frays his ends. He walks back in. The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that string?” The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
The Barman: A barman walks into a bar. “Ouch,” he says.
The Jukebox: A guy walks into a bar and puts a quarter in the jukebox. It plays nothing. He says, “1995 tech is terrible.”
The Pint: A guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint of “Less.” The bartender says, “What’s ‘Less’?” The guy says, “My doctor told me I should drink less.”
The Mirror Image: A guy walks into a bar and sees a man who looks exactly like him. He asks, “Are we twins?” The other guy says, “No, you’re just looking at the window.”
The Bartender’s Dog: The bartender’s dog sits on a stool. A guy asks, “Does he drink?” The bartender says, “No, he just likes the atmosphere.”
The Time Traveler: A time traveler walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.” The time traveler says, “That’s not what you said tomorrow.”
The Schrodinger: Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.
The Logic: A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any logic?” The bartender says, “No, but we have beer. That’s close enough.”
The Quarter: A guy walks into a bar and finds a quarter. He says, “Finally, I can call someone who cares!” (It’s 1995, payphones were still the king).
The Typo: A guy walks into a “bra.”
The Salt: A shaker of salt walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve seasoning.”
The Dictionary: A dictionary walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Words cannot describe how much I want you to leave.”
The Ghost 2: Why do ghosts go to bars? For the boos.
The Skeleton 2: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the bar? He had no body to go with.
The Final Call: A guy walks into a bar and says, “Last call!” It was only 2 PM.