73 Bar Jokes: The 2005 “YouTube & How I Met Your Mother” Edition

In 2005, the bar was the stage for everyone’s inner “Legendary” persona. You couldn’t sit at a stool without hearing someone quote Barney Stinson or mention a video they saw on a weird new site where people just uploaded clips of their cats. It was the peak of the “Cocktail Revival,” but also the year of the “Crazy Frog” ringtone—the ultimate test of any bartender’s patience.

The 2005 Top 10: The “Legendary & Viral” Jokes

1. The Barney Stinson: A guy walks into a bar wearing a full tuxedo. The bartender asks, “Wedding or funeral?” The guy says, “Neither. I’m just ‘Suiting Up’ because tonight is going to be—wait for it—legendary!”
2. The YouTube: A guy walks into a bar and starts filming his beer. The bartender asks, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m going to ‘Broadcast Myself’. I’ll be famous by morning!”
3. The Guitar Hero: A guy walks into a bar and tries to play the counter like a plastic guitar. The bartender says, “Sir, if you want a drink, use your fingers to pay, not to hit colored buttons on a fake neck.”
4. The Tom Cruise: A guy starts jumping on the bar stools like they’re Oprah’s couch. The bartender says, “We get it, you love your drink. Now sit down before you get kicked out of Hollywood… and this bar.”
5. The Wedding Crashers: Two guys walk into a bar and start hitting on everyone. The bartender asks, “Are you invited?” They say, “We’re the ‘Rule Number 76’ guys. No excuses, play like a champion!”
6. The iPod Nano: A guy drops his drink on a tiny silver device. He screams, “My music! It’s so small I didn’t see it next to the coaster!”
7. The Batman Begins: A guy in a dark cloak walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What do you want?” The guy whispers in a raspy voice, “Justice… and a ginger ale.”
8. The Bro Code: A guy tries to order a drink for his friend’s ex. The bartender stops him and says, “Article 1: Bros before hoes. I’m doing you a favor, man.”
9. The Million Dollar Baby: A guy orders a drink and says, “Protect yourself at all times.” The bartender says, “I’m the one with the bouncer, pal. You’re the one who needs protection from this tab.”
10. The King Kong: A guy orders a giant pitcher and tries to climb the beer tower. The bartender says, “It wasn’t the airplanes, it was the ‘No Climbing’ sign that killed the beast. Get down.”

The Full 2005 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Appletini: “I’ll have an Appletini. Make it legendary.”
12. The MySpace Top 8: A guy tells the bartender, “You’re back at number one, but only because my girlfriend broke up with me.”
13. The Office: A guy walks in and puts the bartender’s stapler in Jello.
14. The Star Wars Episode III: A guy orders a “High Ground” cocktail. The bartender says, “It’s over, I have the tap handles.”
15. The Coldplay: A guy starts singing “Fix You.” The bartender says, “The only thing I can fix is your drink, stop crying.”
16. The Narnia: A guy tries to walk through the back of the liquor cabinet. The bartender says, “That’s just a wall, Aslan. Sit back down.”
17. The Gorillaz: A guy orders a drink and says, “I’ve got sunshine in a bag.” The bartender says, “Keep your illegal substances outside, please.”
18. The James Blunt: A guy tells the waitress she’s beautiful. She says, “You’re drunk.” He says, “It’s true! I saw your face in a crowded place!”
19. The Kanye West: A guy interrupts the jukebox and says, “Gold Digger is the best song of all time!”
20. The Brokeback Mountain: Two cowboys walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m not even going to make a joke, I just hope you’re happy.”
21. The Harry Potter 4: A guy asks for the “Goblet of Fire.” The bartender sets a shot on fire and says, “Did you put your name in it?!”
22. The 40-Year-Old Virgin: A guy orders a “Sex on the Beach” and asks, “Is it supposed to feel like a bag of sand?”
23. The My Name is Earl: A guy walks in with a list of all the people he’s owed drinks to since 1990.
24. The Grey’s Anatomy: A group of interns walk in. The bartender says, “I have a ‘Code Blue’—that’s a pitcher of Blue Hawaiian for table four.”
25. The Sin City: A guy wears a trench coat and narrates his drink order in a deep, gritty voice.
26. The War of the Worlds: A guy hears a loud horn outside and hides under the table. The bartender says, “It’s just a truck, Tom Cruise. Relax.”
27. The Mr. & Mrs. Smith: A couple starts arguing at the bar. The bartender says, “I don’t care if you’re secret agents, no throwing olives at each other.”
28. The Panic! At The Disco: A guy walks in and closes the goddamn door.
29. The Green Day: A guy orders a “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” The bartender gives him a flat beer.
30. The Mariah Carey: A girl sings “We Belong Together” to her glass of wine.
31. The Fall Out Boy: “Sugar, we’re goin’ down!” The bartender says, “Not in my bar, you’re not.”
32. The Gwen Stefani: “This beer is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”
33. The Nickelback: “Look at this photograph!” The bartender says, “It’s still blurry. Get a better phone.”
34. The 50 Cent: “I’ll take you to the candy shop.” The bartender says, “We only have salty pretzels here.”
35. The Kelly Clarkson: “Since U Been Gone, I’ve had more money for whiskey.”
36. The Pussycat Dolls: “Don’t cha wish your bartender was hot like me?” “No, I wish you’d pay your tab.”
37. The Rihanna: “Pon de Replay!” The bartender says, “I’ve played it ten times. No more.”
38. The Foo Fighters: “Best of you!” “The best of me is currently behind this bar, serving you.”
39. The Black Eyed Peas: “Don’t Phunk with my Heart!”
40. The Destiny’s Child Farewell: Three girls order a “Survivor” shot and say goodbye to their youth.
41. The Xbox 360: A guy says, “The graphics in this bar are amazing.” The bartender says, “That’s called reality, try it sometime.”
42. The Lost: “Everything happens for a reason.” “The reason you’re dizzy is the fourth tequila, Jack.”
43. The Desperate Housewives: A woman orders a martini and says, “You have no idea what goes on in my cul-de-sac.”
44. The Prison Break: A guy with a map of the bar tattooed on his back tries to sneak into the cellar.
45. The Walk the Line: A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.” The bartender says, “Hello, I’m cutting you off.”
46. The V for Vendetta: A guy in a mask asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Remember, remember, the 5th of November is when you’re banned if you don’t show your face.”
47. The Colbert Report: A guy asks for a “Truthiness” cocktail. The bartender gives him a drink that feels right but is actually just water.
48. The Supernanny: A guy starts acting up. The bartender points to a stool and says, “Naughty step. Now.”
49. The American Dad: A guy walks in with a goldfish and starts talking to it.
50. The Deal or No Deal: The bartender says, “Ten dollars for the beer. Deal or no deal?”
51. The Ghost Whisperer: A guy says he can see the spirits. The bartender says, “Yeah, they’re right behind me on the shelf. $8 a shot.”
52. The Bones: A guy looks at his wings and says, “I can tell you exactly how this chicken died.”
53. The Criminal Minds: A guy starts profiling the bartender based on how he pours a pint.
54. The Weeds: A woman asks if the garnishes are “organic and locally grown.”
55. The MySpace Music: A guy tries to play his own band’s page on the bar computer.
56. The YouTube 1.0: “Me at the zoo!” “Sir, this is a bar, not a zoo. Though sometimes it’s hard to tell.”
57. The Wikipedia Accuracy: “Wikipedia says beer makes you smarter.” “Wikipedia also says you’re a billionaire. Neither is true.”
58. The Razr Phone: Snap! “One beer.” Snap! “Thanks.” Snap! “I love this phone.”
59. The Blackberry Thumb: A guy complains his thumb hurts from too much emailing. The bartender says, “Try lifting a glass, it’s a different muscle.”
60. The Low-Rise Jeans: A girl sits down and the bartender says, “I can see your 2004, 2005, and half of 2006.”
61. The Ugg Boots: “Aren’t you hot in those?” “It’s fashion, you wouldn’t understand.”
62. The Live 8: A guy says, “We’re making history today!” The bartender says, “I’m just making drinks.”
63. The 7-Eleven: A guy walks in at 7:11 PM and expects a free Slurpee.
64. The Hurricane Katrina: A guy says, “I’m from New Orleans.” The bartender gives him a drink on the house. “To the Big Easy.”
65. The Pope: A guy says, “We have a new Pope!” The bartender says, “Does he drink Guinness? If not, I don’t care.”
66. The London Bombings: The bar stays open. “They won’t stop us from having a pint.”
67. The YouTube Commenter: A guy yells, “FIRST!” when the bar opens at 4 PM.
68. The Viral Video: A guy falls off his stool. Someone yells, “Put it on YouTube!”
69. The 2005 Tech: A guy tries to pay with a “mobile wallet.” The bartender says, “I take cash, card, or jewelry. No ‘magic phone money’.”
70. The Suit Up: A guy suits up. He looks great. He still doesn’t get the girl.
71. The Last Call: “Last call! Go home and check your notifications!”
72. The 2005 Ending: A guy leaves and says, “Next year, I’m getting a Twitter!” The bartender says, “Sounds like a bird disease. Good luck.”
73. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2006, I’m going to be even more legendary.”