78 Bar Jokes: The 2007 “iPhone & Mad Men” Edition

In 2007, the bar scene was split in two. Half the room was ordering Old Fashioneds and trying to look like Don Draper, while the other half was standing by the window trying to get “3G signal” on their brand-new iPhones. It was the year of the “App Store” (well, almost), the rise of Netflix’s streaming service, and the beginning of the “checked-in” culture.

The 2007 Top 10: The “Touchscreen & Old Fashioned” Jokes

1. The iPhone: A guy walks into a bar and starts sliding his finger across a coaster. The bartender asks, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m trying to unlock this beer. I think it’s frozen.”
2. The Don Draper: A guy walks in wearing a crisp suit, lights a cigarette (where legal), and orders an Old Fashioned. The bartender says, “You look like you’re about to sell me a car or have a mid-life crisis.”
3. The 3G Signal: A guy is holding his phone up in the air like a holy relic. The bartender asks, “Searching for God?” The guy says, “No, searching for enough signal to send a ‘What’s up’ email.”
4. The Netflix: A guy orders a beer and says, “I’ll be here all night. I’m waiting for my drink to ‘buffer’.” The bartender says, “This is a tap, not a dial-up modem. It’s instant.”
5. The Britney’s Umbrella: A guy walks in with a broken umbrella and a shaved head. The bartender says, “It’s okay, Britney. We’ve all had a rough 2007. The first one is on me.”
6. The Harry Potter 7: A guy walks in crying. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The guy says, “He’s gone! The boy who lived… I just finished the last book!”
7. The Transformers: A guy tries to turn his bar stool into a car. The bartender says, “Sir, that’s not Optimus Prime, that’s just a stool. And you’re not Megan Fox.”
8. The Halo 3: A guy walks in and asks, “Do you have any Master Chief?” The bartender says, “No, but the cook’s name is Brian and he’s pretty good with a spatula.”
9. The Kindle: A guy tries to ‘swipe’ the page of a real book at the bar. The bartender says, “It’s called paper, pal. You have to use your actual hand to turn it.”
10. The Pineapple Express: A guy walks in smelling like… “herbs.” He asks, “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” The bartender says, “Neither, it’s just a Tuesday at a pub.”

The Full 2007 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Old Fashioned Revival: “Make it like they did in the 60s.” “So, with a lot of smoke and zero HR policies?”
12. The App Store Dream: A guy says, “There’s an app for that!” The bartender says, “Is there an app that pays your tab?”
13. The Multi-Touch: A guy tries to pinch-to-zoom on the bartender’s face. He gets punched.
14. The No-Keyboard: “How do you type on that thing?” “I don’t. I just make a lot of typos and call it ‘innovation’.”
15. The Twitter 2.0: “I just ‘tweeted’ my location!” “Great, now the whole world knows you’re avoiding your wife.”
16. The Mad Men: A guy asks for a Canadian Club. The bartender says, “Suddenly everyone’s a creative director.”
17. The Juno: A girl orders a SunnyD and a burger. The bartender says, “One teen pregnancy starter kit coming up.”
18. The No Country for Old Men: A guy asks for a drink and flips a coin. The bartender says, “Call it, friendo.”
19. The I Am Legend: A guy sits alone in the bar with his dog. The bartender asks, “Where’s everyone else?” The guy says, “I’m the only one left… in my friend group.”
20. The Ratatouille: A guy asks if the chef is a rat. The bartender says, “He’s not a rat, but his hygiene is questionable.”
21. The Superbad: Three kids walk in with an ID that says “McLovin.” The bartender says, “Nice try, Fogell. Get out.”
22. The Bee Movie: A guy asks, “According to all known laws of aviation, how is that bee in my drink?”
23. The Amy Winehouse: “Rehab was a ‘no’, but the gin is a ‘yes’.”
24. The Umbrella (Rihanna): A guy stands under the bar’s AC unit and sings “Under my umbrella, ella, ella…”
25. The Crank That: A guy does a weird dance move to the jukebox. The bartender says, “Soulja Boy? More like Soulja, stop.”
26. The MySpace Death: A guy says, “I’m moving to Facebook. It feels cleaner.” The bartender says, “The toilets here don’t.”
27. The Blackberry Curve: A guy says, “I still love my buttons!” The bartender says, “Enjoy them while they last, dinosaur.”
28. The 300: A guy yells, “Tonight we dine in hell!” The bartender says, “No, tonight you dine on 50-cent wings.”
29. The Hairspray: A girl walks in with a beehive hairdo. The bartender says, “Watch out for the ceiling fan.”
30. The Gossip Girl: “XOXO, Gossip Girl.” “XOXO, pay your bill.”
31. The Big Bang Theory: A guy starts explaining the physics of a pint. The bartender says, “Bazinga! You’re annoying.”
32. The Californication: A guy orders a whiskey and looks depressed. The bartender says, “You’re not Hank Moody, you’re just moody.”
33. The Flight of the Conchords: Two guys walk in and start a very slow, awkward rap.
34. The BioShock: A guy asks, “Would you kindly buy me a drink?” The bartender says, “Nice try, Atlas.”
35. The Portal: A guy tries to put a blue ring on one wall and an orange one on the other. “The cake is a lie, but the beer is real!”
36. The Crysis: A guy says, “Can my PC run this?” The bartender says, “Sir, this is a Guinness.”
37. The Guitar Hero III: A guy breaks a real guitar trying to play “Through the Fire and Flames.”
38. The Jägerbomb: Still the most “efficient” way to ruin a 2007 evening.
39. The Mojito: “Still muddling?” “Always. My hands are 40% mint by volume.”
40. The Cosmopolitan: “Carrie Bradshaw is so over.” “Tell that to the five women at table three.”
41. The Red Bull: “I can hear the future!” “Is it quiet? Because you aren’t.”
42. The Bud Light: “Dilly Dilly!” “Wait, that’s a few years away. For now, it’s still ‘Real Men of Genius’.”
43. The Stella Artois: “It’s Belgian for ‘I want to feel fancy while wearing a hoodie’.”
44. The Corona: “Lime in the bottle, worry in the heart.”
45. The Guinness Pour: A guy times it with his new iPhone. “119.5 seconds! Apple is amazing!”
46. The Tequila: “One shot for the road.” “You’re walking, right?” “No, I’m ‘Ubers’-ing… wait, that’s not out yet.”
47. The Whiskey Sour: “Like a 2007 stock market report.”
48. The Manhattan: “Classy, like a 1960s ad man.”
49. The Sidecar: “Does it come with a charger?”
50. The Rusty Nail: “Tough enough for the pre-recession world.”
51. The Dark and Stormy: “Like the finale of The Sopranos.”
52. The Sopranos Finale: A guy is talking about the ending when the bar’s power goes out. Everyone screams.
53. The Sex on the Beach: “Can we rename this ‘The 2007’?” “No.”
54. The Kamikaze: “To the new millennium’s second half!”
55. The B-52: “Light it up like my phone screen at 2 AM.”
56. The Mimosa: “Breakfast of Champions and iPhone early adopters.”
57. The Sangria: “Because I want fruit but also a blackout.”
58. The Margarita: “Saltier than a MySpace user looking at Facebook.”
59. The Draft Beer: “Cold and crisp, unlike my internet connection.”
60. The Coaster: A guy tries to ‘swipe’ the coaster to see the other side.
61. The Bar Snack: “Are these nuts Bluetooth enabled?” “No, they’re just salty.”
62. The Ice Cube: “I’m the only thing in this bar that isn’t ‘Smart’.”
63. The Bottle Opener: “The OG multi-touch tool.”
64. The Bar Stool: “The only place where you can’t get a signal.”
65. The Neon Sign: The ‘Bud’ sign is the only ‘app’ I need.
66. The Karaoke: A guy sings “Stronger” by Kanye West. The bartender says, “It didn’t make your singing any better.”
67. The Pool Table: A guy uses his iPhone as a level. He breaks the screen.
68. The Bouncer: “You’re too drunk to ‘Check In’.”
69. The Bartender’s Tip: “A dollar a touch.”
70. The Vodka Tonic: “Clear, like my 2G signal… occasionally.”
71. The Rum and Coke: “The Captain is also an early adopter.”
72. The Wine List: “I’ll have the red one that doesn’t look like a dead pixel.”
73. The Closing Time: “Last call! Go home and charge your devices!”
74. The iPhone Battery: A guy is crying because his phone died. The bartender says, “Welcome back to the real world.”
75. The 2007 Ending: “Next year, everything will be digital!” “As long as the beer is liquid, I’m good.”
76. The Wikipedia Fact: “Wikipedia says I’m not drunk.” “Wikipedia is currently being edited by your wife. You’re cut off.”
77. The Kindle Reader: A guy reads a digital book at the bar. The bartender says, “The lights are dim for a reason, pal.”
78. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2008, I’m going to spend less time looking at my hands.”