72 Bar Jokes: The 1997 “Cocktail Renaissance & Spice Girls” Edition

In 1997, the bar scene was a clash of cultures. While the craft beer movement from ’96 was still brewing, the mainstream was obsessed with “Girl Power” and neon-colored cocktails. It was the year of the Blue Hawaiian, the Cosmopolitan (thanks to a certain TV show gaining steam), and the ubiquitous “Sour Apple Martini.” Bars were smoky, the internet was still something you did at home with a screeching modem, and if you wanted to look cool, you ordered something that looked like melted radioactive candy.

The 1997 Top 10: The “Neon & Girl Power” Jokes

The Blue Drink: A guy walks into a bar and sees a bright blue drink. He asks, “What is that?” The bartender says, “It’s a 1997 Special.” The guy asks, “What’s in it?” The bartender replies, “Regret and enough food coloring to turn your tongue blue until 1998.”
The Spice Girls Fan: Four girls walk into a bar and demand five drinks. The bartender asks, “Why five?” They scream, “Because we really, really, really wanna zigazig ha!”
The Sour Apple Martini: A guy orders a Sour Apple Martini. The bartender asks, “Do you want a straw with that?” The guy says, “No, I want a face-lift. This drink is so tart my ears are touching.”
The Tamagotchi: A guy walks into a bar and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The guy says, “I forgot to feed my digital pet and it died right next to the bowl of pretzels.”
The Y2K Paranoia: A guy walks into a bar and orders 1,000 beers. The bartender asks, “Planning a party?” The guy says, “No, I’m practicing for when the computers crash and the taps stop working in three years.”
The Cigar Bar: A guy walks into a trendy new cigar bar. He says, “I can’t see the bartender.” A voice through the smoke says, “I can’t see you either, just leave the money on the cloud.”
The Titanic: A guy walks into a bar and orders a “Titanic.” The bartender gives him a shot of vodka and a giant bucket of ice.
The “Wannabe”: A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “What’s the best drink for someone who wants to be famous?” The bartender says, “A ‘Ginger Spice’—it’s fiery, British, and everyone will know your name for at least fifteen minutes.”
The Deep Blue Sea: A guy orders a Blue Curaçao drink. He takes a sip and says, “This tastes like a swimming pool.” The bartender says, “That’s the 1997 aesthetic, pal.”
The Flip Phone: A guy flips open his brand new StarTAC phone at the bar. The bartender says, “Is that a phone or are you communicating with the mothership?”

The Full 1997 Bar Archive (Extended List)

The Vodka Red Bull: A guy orders a vodka and a new drink called “Red Bull.” An hour later, he’s trying to bar-hop by actually jumping over the bars.
The Cosmopolitan: A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Cosmo. The bartender says, “You’re the 50th person today. Is there a marathon on TV or something?”
The Frozen Margarita: A guy orders a frozen margarita so cold he gets a brain freeze just looking at the salt.
The Martini Glass: Why did the martini glass go to the gym? To work on its stem.
The Jagermeister: A guy takes a shot of Jäger. The bartender asks, “How is it?” The guy says, “It tastes like I’m about to make a decision I’ll regret in the morning.”
The Tequila Slammer: A guy slams his drink on the bar. The bartender slams his fist on the counter. The guy says, “Nice, we’re jamming!”
The Micro-Brewery Sequel: A guy asks, “Is this beer organic?” The bartender says, “It was grown in a basement in Seattle. It’s as organic as grunge music.”
The Pager: A guy’s pager goes off at the bar. He looks at it and says, “Excuse me, I have to go find a payphone to see who wants to buy me a drink.”
The Screaming Orgasm: A lady orders a “Screaming Orgasm.” The guy next to her falls off his stool. The bartender says, “He’s just the sound effects guy.”
The B-52: A guy orders a B-52. The bartender lights it on fire. The guy says, “I asked for a drink, not a Viking funeral!”
The Long Island Iced Tea: A guy asks, “Is there actually tea in this?” The bartender says, “There’s enough alcohol in here to make you believe there’s a whole forest in the glass.”
The Absinthe: A guy orders Absinthe. Five minutes later, he’s having a deep conversation with a green fairy about the meaning of “The Verve.”
The Chumbawamba: A guy gets knocked down by a strong drink. He gets up again. The bartender says, “You’re never gonna keep him down.”
The Fruit Garnish: A guy asks for more fruit in his drink. The bartender hands him a fruit salad with a splash of rum.
The Martini Olive: Why was the olive lonely? Because the onion moved to a Gibson.
The Shot Glass: A shot glass says to the beer mug, “I may be small, but I pack a punch.” The mug says, “I may be big, but I’m mostly gas.”
The Neon Sign: The neon sign flickers. A guy says, “That’s Morse code for ‘have another’.”
The Bartender’s Secret: “The secret to a good 1997 cocktail is adding enough sugar to hide the fact that you’re drinking cheap gin.”
The Wine Snob: A guy sniffs his wine and says, “I detect notes of 1997.” The bartender says, “That’s just the smell of the new carpet.”
The Dry Martini: A guy asks for a martini so dry he needs a glass of water on the side just to swallow.
The Lemon Drop: A lemon drop walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re sweet, but you’ve got a sour attitude.”
The Rum and Coke: A guy orders a Rum and Coke. The bartender asks, “Is Pepsi okay?” The guy says, “Is Monopoly money okay?”
The Gin Fizz: Why did the Gin Fizz pop? It heard some heavy bass on the radio.
The Happy Hour Wings: A guy asks, “How hot are the ‘Nuclear Wings’?” The bartender says, “You’ll need a signed waiver and a fire extinguisher.”
The Bar Tab: A guy looks at his tab and says, “I didn’t know I bought the bar.” The bartender says, “You didn’t, but you paid for the electricity for the next month.”
The Midori Sour: A guy orders a Midori Sour. The bartender says, “I haven’t seen that color since I cleaned the glow-sticks out of the drain.”
The Karaoke: A guy gets up to sing “Wonderwall.” The bartender hands him a drink and says, “Drink this, it makes everyone else sound better.”
The Pool Table: A guy hits a ball off the table. The bartender says, “That’s a foul.” The guy says, “No, that’s an escape attempt.”
The Umbrella Drink Part 2: A guy complains his tiny umbrella is broken. The bartender says, “It’s 1997, everything is a little fragile.”
The Zima: A guy orders a Zima. The whole bar stops talking. He says, “It’s for my… cat?”
The Bourbon Snob: A guy says, “This bourbon isn’t aged enough.” The bartender says, “It’s been in the bottle since you started that sentence.”
The Ice Bucket: An ice bucket says, “I’m the coolest guy in the bar.” The fridge says, “Stay in your lane, kid.”
The Cocktail Shaker: Why was the shaker so noisy? It was trying to wake up the spirits.
The Dirty Martini Garnish: A guy asks for three olives. The bartender says, “What is this, a snack bar?”
The Black Russian: A guy orders a Black Russian. The bartender says, “Coming right up, comrade.”
The White Russian: “The Dude” walks into a bar… wait, that’s next year. A guy who thinks he’s “The Dude” walks in and orders a White Russian.
The Mudslide: A guy orders a Mudslide. The bartender says, “Watch out, it’s a slippery slope.”
The Pina Colada: A guy orders a Pina Colada. The bartender asks, “Do you like getting caught in the rain?” The guy says, “No, I just like pineapple.”
The Strawberry Daiquiri: A guy orders a Strawberry Daiquiri. The bartender says, “One adult smoothie, coming up.”
The Mocktail 1997: A guy orders a “Virgin Sunset.” The bartender says, “So, orange juice?”
The Draft Beer: Why was the draft beer so cold? It forgot to close the window.
The Bottle Opener: The bottle opener says, “I’m the only one here with a real job.”
The Coaster 1997: A guy tries to use his coaster as a frisbee. The bartender says, “This isn’t a park, and you’re not a dog.”
The Bar Snacks: A guy asks, “Are these peanuts free?” The bartender says, “The peanuts are free, the salt is five dollars.”
The Guinness: A guy waits five minutes for his Guinness. He says, “Is it ready yet?” The bartender says, “Patience is a virtue, and I’m a saint for putting up with you.”
The Heineken: A guy orders a Heineken. The bartender says, “Ah, a man of international mystery.”
The Bud Light: A guy orders a Bud Light. The bartender says, “The water fountain is down the hall.”
The Corona: A guy asks for a lime with his Corona. The bartender says, “Without the lime, it’s just a beer. With the lime, it’s a lifestyle.”
The Tequila Gold: A guy orders Tequila Gold. The bartender says, “You know that’s just caramel coloring, right?” The guy says, “Don’t ruin the magic.”
The Whiskey Sour: A guy orders a Whiskey Sour. The bartender says, “Like your personality?”
The Manhattan: A guy orders a Manhattan. The bartender asks, “Central Park or Brooklyn?”
The Old Fashioned: A guy orders an Old Fashioned. The bartender says, “Your grandfather called, he wants his drink back.”
The Tom Collins: A guy asks, “Who is Tom Collins?” The bartender says, “He’s the guy you’ll be looking for when you can’t find your car.”
The Sangria: A guy orders Sangria. The bartender says, “You want a fruit salad that gets you buzzed? Sure.”
The Mimosa: A guy orders a Mimosa at 11 PM. The bartender says, “You’re either very late for brunch or very early for tomorrow.”
The Bloody Mary: A guy orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender asks, “How spicy?” The guy says, “Make it hurt.”
The Sidecar: A guy orders a Sidecar. The bartender says, “Where’s the motorcycle?”
The Rusty Nail: A guy orders a Rusty Nail. The bartender says, “Tetanus shot not included.”
The Dark and Stormy: A guy orders a Dark and Stormy. The bartender says, “That’s also the weather forecast for your head tomorrow morning.”
The Sex on the Beach: A guy orders “Sex on the Beach.” The bartender says, “Can we just call it ‘Fruit Juice #4’? My mom is in the back.”
The Kamikaze: A guy orders a round of Kamikazes. The bartender says, “Going down in style, I see.”
The Last Call: The bartender yells, “Last call for 1997!” A guy says, “Wait, I haven’t finished my Blue Hawaiian yet!” The bartender says, “Drink up, 1998 is looking even more colorful.”