67 Bar Jokes: The 2000 “New Millennium & Reality TV” Edition

In 2000, the bar was the only place to process the fact that the world survived Y2K. The vibe was “optimistic future meets low-rise jeans.” People were ordering drinks named after tech stocks that would soon crash, and the “Energy Drink Mixer” craze was officially in full swing. If you weren’t talking about who got voted off the island last night, you weren’t really at the bar.

The 2000 Top 10: The “Survivor & Dot-Com” Jokes

1. The Survivalist: A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a loincloth. The bartender asks, “Survivor audition?” The guy says, “No, I just spent all my money on tech stocks and Y2K canned beans.”
2. The Google Search: A guy asks the bartender, “How do I find a girlfriend?” The bartender says, “Try Google.” The guy asks, “Is she working tonight? What’s her shift?”
3. The Energy Drink: A guy orders a Vodka Red Bull. Ten minutes later, he’s vibrating so hard the foam on everyone else’s beer disappears.
4. The Reality Check: A group of people walk into a bar. The bartender says, “One of you has to leave. The tribe has spoken.”
5. The Dot-Com Millionaire: A guy walks in and buys the whole bar a round of champagne. He pays with a check from ‘Pets.com’. The bartender says, “I’ll take the champagne back, and you can have a glass of tap water.”
6. The Nokia Ringtone: A guy’s phone plays the classic Nokia tune. The bartender says, “That’s the sound of the future… and a headache.”
7. The 2000 Martini: A guy orders a “New Millennium Martini.” The bartender gives him a glass with nothing in it and says, “It’s virtual. It costs $50.”
8. The Napster Part 2: A guy asks for a free beer. The bartender says, “This isn’t Napster, pal. Here, we actually pay the artists… and the distributors.”
9. The Gladiator: A guy walks into a bar after seeing Gladiator and yells, “Are you not entertained?!” The bartender says, “Sir, this is a happy hour, not the Colosseum.”
10. The PlayStation 2: A guy tries to hook up his new PS2 to the bar TV. The bartender says, “If it doesn’t pour beer, it doesn’t stay on the counter.”

The Full 2000 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Appletini: “I’ll have an Appletini, easy on the ‘tini’.” The bartender sighs, “Welcome to the year 2000, where men drink like toddlers.”
12. The Broadband: A guy says, “I just got broadband!” The bartender says, “Does that mean you’ll drink faster?”
13. The Bluetooth: A guy walks in talking to himself. The bartender almost calls security until he sees the glowing blue light in his ear.
14. The Budweiser Wassup: A guy walks in and yells “Wassup!” The bartender points to the door and says “Get out.”
15. The Low-Rise: A girl in low-rise jeans sits at the bar. The bartender says, “I hope you’re not planning on sitting down, those pants are structurally impossible.”
16. The Red Bull Crash: A guy drinks a Red Bull, hits the ceiling, and then falls asleep in his nachos ten minutes later.
17. The Cosmopolitan: “Is the Cosmo still cool?” a woman asks. The bartender says, “It’s the year 2000. It’s mandatory.”
18. The Tech Bubble: A guy says, “My stocks went up 400% today!” The bartender says, “Great, pay your tab from 1999 then.”
19. The Digital Camera: A guy takes a photo of his beer with a 1-megapixel camera. He waits three minutes for it to save to the disk.
20. The High-Speed Rail: A guy orders a shot and says, “Call it the Acela Express.” The bartender says, “So, it’ll be late and overpriced?”
21. The Bouncer: The bouncer checks an ID and says, “Born in 1979? Wow, you’re practically a fossil in this new century.”
22. The Whiskey Neat: A guy asks for a whiskey “without any digital interference.”
23. The Gin Tonic: A guy says, “Make it a 21st-century G&T.” The bartender adds a sprig of cilantro and charges an extra $5.
24. The Moscow Mule: The copper mug makes a comeback. A guy asks, “Can I get a signal on this thing?”
25. The Craft Beer Rise: A guy asks for a beer that “doesn’t have a commercial with a talking animal.”
26. The Wine List: A guy asks for a “Millennium Vintage.” The bartender gives him a bottle from January.
27. The Tequila Shot: A guy takes a shot and says, “That felt like a system reboot.”
28. The Happy Hour: “Is it Happy Hour yet?” “In the new millennium, every hour is happy until you check your 401k.”
29. The Jukebox: A guy looks for a CD in the jukebox. The bartender says, “Just pick a number, it’s all Britney and NSYNC anyway.”
30. The Frosted Tips: A guy with frosted tips orders a drink. The bartender asks, “Do you want a bowl of cereal with that, Justin?”
31. The Scooter: A guy rolls into the bar on a Razor scooter. The bouncer says, “Park it outside, kid, or I’ll fold it into a pretzel.”
32. The Survivor Fan: A guy tries to build a fire in the middle of the bar. The bartender says, “This isn’t CBS, put that out.”
33. The Matrix Sequel: A guy asks, “When is the next Matrix coming out?” The bartender says, “Drink this, and you won’t care.”
34. The Chardonnay: A woman orders a Chardonnay and complains about the “digital glare” from the TV.
35. The Stout: A guy orders a stout so dark it looks like a black hole.
36. The Margarita: A guy asks for a Margarita “frozen, like my computer last night.”
37. The IPA: A guy takes a sip of an IPA and says, “This tastes like the future: bitter.”
38. The Rum and Coke: A guy orders a “Captain and Coke” and asks for a promotion to Admiral.
39. The Bloody Mary: A guy asks for a Bloody Mary and a cell phone charger. The modern era has arrived.
40. The Mojito: The bartender spends ten minutes muddling mint. He says, “By the time I finish this, it’ll be 2001.”
41. The White Russian: “The Dude” is still in the bar, but now he’s confused by the flat-screen TVs.
42. The Screwdriver: A guy orders one and asks for “extra vitamin C for the new age.”
43. The Long Island: A guy orders a Long Island and says, “I want to forget the 20th century.”
44. The Heineken: A guy orders a Heineken and says, “It’s the official beer of the European Union… probably.”
45. The Stella Artois: A guy orders a Stella and feels 10% more sophisticated immediately.
46. The Corona: A guy asks for a lime and says, “The lime is the firewall for the beer.”
47. The Sam Adams: A guy orders a Sam Adams and says, “Back to basics for the new era.”
48. The Jack and Coke: A classic that survives the millennium shift without a glitch.
49. The Tequila Sunrise: A guy orders one at 2 AM and says, “I’m syncing my internal clock.”
50. The Mocktail: A guy orders a “Virgin Cosmo” and the bartender gives him a pink napkin.
51. The Guinness: A guy says, “The settle on this beer is slower than my 56k modem.”
52. The Bar Tab: A guy asks, “Do you take PayPal?” The bartender says, “Is that a brand of pal?”
53. The Ice Cube: An ice cube says, “I’m the only thing here that’s not ‘smart’.”
54. The Coaster: A guy uses his coaster to write down a website address that will be gone by 2002.
55. The Bar Snack: A guy asks if the peanuts are “non-GMO.” The bartender laughs until he realizes the guy is serious.
56. The Dark Rum: A guy orders a Dark Rum and says, “It’s the Y2K of spirits.”
57. The Champagne Toast: “To the year 2000! May our stocks stay high and our jeans stay low!”
58. The Sidecar: A guy orders one and asks if it’s compatible with Windows 2000.
59. The Old Fashioned: A guy says, “Give me an Old Fashioned. I’m already tired of this century.”
60. The Gin Fizz: Why was the Gin Fizz so happy? It didn’t have to worry about a “biological clock.”
61. The Pimm’s Cup: A guy orders one and says, “It’s tea time in the new world.”
62. The Snakebite: A guy orders one and the bartender says, “Watch out, the lager and cider are having a merger.”
63. The Black and Tan: A guy orders one and says, “A perfect mix, like tech and entertainment.”
64. The Shandy: A guy orders a Shandy and asks for a “low-bandwidth version.”
65. The Last Call: The bartender yells, “Last call! Go home and check your MySpace… wait, that’s not a thing yet.”
66. The 2000 Ending: A guy leaves and says, “See you in the future!” The bartender says, “You’re already there, pal.”
67. The New Year’s Resolution: A guy says, “My resolution is to spend less time in bars.” The bartender says, “See you tomorrow then.”