55 Bar Jokes: The 2020 “Quarantine & Zoom Bar” Edition

In 2020, the bar moved from the corner of the street to the corner of your living room. It was the year where “Happy Hour” started at 2 PM because time lost all meaning, and the most common thing a bartender said was, “Sir, your mask is hanging off your ear.” It was a year of “Tiger King,” sourdough starters, and the realization that drinking alone in front of a laptop is only social if the Wi-Fi is working.

The 2020 Top 10: The “Social Distancing & Sourdough” Jokes

1. The Zoom Bar: A guy walks into a Zoom meeting with a pint of beer. The host says, “You’re on mute.” The guy takes a long sip and says, “That’s the point. I’m just here for the ‘background’ noise of people pretending to work.”
2. The Tiger King: A guy walks into a bar with a bleached mullet and a floral shirt. The bartender says, “No tigers allowed.” The guy says, “I don’t have a tiger, I just have a deep hatred for Carole Baskin and a lot of free time.”
3. The Social Distance: A guy tries to sit at the bar. The bartender says, “You have to stay six feet away.” The guy says, “Fine, just slide the beer really fast. I’ll try to catch it like a goalie.”
4. The Sourdough: A guy tries to pay for his drink with a jar of bubbling goo. The bartender asks, “What’s this?” The guy says, “It’s my sourdough starter! Her name is Jane. She’s worth more than Bitcoin right now!”
5. The Mask Logic: A guy walks into a bar wearing a mask with a hole cut out for a straw. The bartender says, “That’s not how science works, Dave.” Dave says, “Maybe not, but it’s how thirst works.”
6. The Curfew: The bartender yells, “Last call! It’s 9:55 PM!” A guy says, “But the virus doesn’t wake up until 10, right?” The bartender sighs, “In 2020, the virus has a very strict bedtime. Go home.”
7. The Toilet Paper: A guy walks into a bar and asks, “What can I get for three rolls of ultra-soft, double-ply?” The bartender hands him a bottle of 25-year-old Scotch and says, “Keep the change, you’re a king.”
8. The “Essential” Worker: A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’m an essential worker!” The bartender asks, “Doctor? Nurse?” The guy says, “No, I’m the guy who delivers the wine to the liquor store. Without me, the neighborhood collapses.”
9. The Hand Sanitizer: A guy takes a shot of clear liquid and winces. “That’s the strongest vodka I’ve ever had!” The bartender says, “That wasn’t vodka. That was the 70% ethanol hand sanitizer. But hey, you’re officially disinfected.”
10. The Among Us: A group of ten people are at a bar. One guy says, “I saw Red venting in the kitchen!” The bartender says, “Sir, Red is the cook, and he’s just taking out the trash. Stop playing games.”

The Full 2020 Bar Archive (Selected High-Quality List)

11. The Takeout Cocktail: A guy orders a Margarita in a plastic bag. He says, “It’s like a juice box for adults who have lost all hope.”
12. The New Hobby: “I started brewing my own beer during lockdown.” “How is it?” “The garage exploded, but the neighbors say it smells like progress.”
13. The Parasite: A guy watches the Oscars in February and says, “This is the weirdest thing that will happen all year.” The world laughs.
14. The Ghost Town: A guy walks into a bar in April. It’s just him and a cardboard cutout of a celebrity. He says, “I’ve never felt so popular.”
15. The Zoom Background: A guy sits in his kitchen but wears a tuxedo. He says, “I’m at a high-end lounge in Paris… according to my laptop settings.”
16. The Quarantini: “What’s in it?” “Gin and whatever vitamins I found in the back of the cabinet. It’s for my ‘health’.”
17. The Animal Crossing: A guy says, “I just bought a bar on my island!” The bartender says, “I hope the raccoons pay better than you do.”
18. The Murder Hornets: A giant hornet walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we’re already dealing with a global crisis. You’re going to have to wait your turn in 2021.”
19. The Tenet: A guy walks into a bar, drinks a beer backwards, and leaves through the entrance he hasn’t arrived at yet. The bartender says, “I’m not even going to try to understand that tab.”
20. The Queen’s Gambit: A guy starts playing chess with his shot glasses. “Checkmate.” “Sir, you just drank your own king.”
21. The Boredom: A guy starts counting the bubbles in his beer. “4,201… 4,202… I really need to go back to the office.”
22. The Sweatpants: A guy walks in wearing a dress shirt and pajama bottoms. The bartender says, “Zoom meeting at 4, bar at 5?” “You know it.”
23. The 5G Conspiracy: A guy covers his beer with tinfoil. “They’re tracking the carbonation, man!”
24. The Hamilton on Disney+: A guy starts rapping the entire show while waiting for his takeout order.
25. The Wipe Down: The bartender cleans the counter for the 400th time. “If I scrub any harder, I’ll find 1995 under here.”
26. The Monolith: A mysterious silver pillar appears in the middle of the bar. The bartender says, “I don’t care where it came from, it’s not socially distanced. Move it.”
27. The Doom Eternal: A guy plays the game on his phone and says, “This feels exactly like going to the grocery store for milk right now.”
28. The TikTok Part 2: A guy tries to do a viral dance but hits the plexiglas shield.
29. The White Claw: The “No Laws When You’re Drinking Claws” motto gets tested by actual emergency laws.
30. The Boris Johnson: A British guy walks in and out three times. “I’m in! I’m out! I’m shaking hands! I’m staying home!”
31. The Artisanal Mask: “Is this mask organic cotton?” “It’s a coffee filter and two rubber bands, Steve. Drink your beer.”
32. The Moscow Mule: The copper mug is the only thing that’s easy to sanitize with high heat.
33. The Old Fashioned: “A drink for a man who remembers when you could see people’s mouths.”
34. The White Russian: “The Dude abides the lockdown. He’s been training for this his whole life.”
35. The Jägerbomb: The “Atomic Bomb” of 2020 Saturday nights at home.
36. The Margarita: “Saltier than a guy whose vacation was cancelled for the third time.”
37. The Tequila: One shot to forget the news, two to think you can cut your own hair.
38. The Whiskey Sour: “As sour as a Zoom call that could have been an email.”
39. The Dark and Stormy: “The official weather report for 2020.”
40. The Sex on the Beach: “Can we rename this ‘Socially Distanced on the Couch’?”
41. The Kamikaze: “To the year we’ll never forget… but really want to.”
42. The B-52: “Light it up like a virtual fireplace.”
43. The Mimosa: “Because every day is Saturday when you’re unemployed.”
44. The Sangria: “Fruit, wine, and enough vitamin C to make me feel safe.”
45. The Draft Beer: “I missed the sound of the tap more than I missed my own family.”
46. The Coaster: A guy tries to use the coaster to scan a menu that isn’t there.
47. The Bar Snack: “Are these peanuts individually wrapped?”
48. The Ice Cube: “I’m an ice cube in a world of meltdowns.”
49. The Bottle Opener: “The hero of the home bar.”
50. The Bar Stool: “Reserved for the person who actually remembered their hand sanitizer.”
51. The 2020 Ending: “Happy New Year! 2021 is going to be perfectly normal!” The bartender hides the calendar.
52. The Mandalorian S2: “Luke Skywalker showed up! My year is made!” “Sir, it’s Dec 31st. It’s a little late for that.”
53. The Drive-In: A guy asks for a beer in his car. The bartender says, “That’s still illegal, even in 2020.”
54. The Vaccine Dream: A guy says, “I’ll have a shot of Pfizer and a side of Pfizer.”
55. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2021, I’m going to finally put on real pants.”