53 Bar Jokes: The 2013 “Selfie & Harlem Shake” Edition

In 2013, if you didn’t take a picture with your drink, it was like you weren’t even in a bar. That’s the year Vine was born (the dawn of the ultra-short video era) and craft breweries started adding everything from coffee to bacon to their beer.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Blurred Lines & Blue Meth” Jokes

1. The Selfie: A guy walks into a bar and spends twenty minutes taking photos of himself with his beer. The bartender asks, “Do you want to drink it or are you waiting for it to get 100 ‘likes’ first?”
2. The Harlem Shake: A guy is sitting quietly at the bar. Suddenly, a bass drop hits, and fifteen people in Spiderman suits start dancing frantically around him. The bartender says, “Don’t worry, it’ll be over in 15 seconds. It’s a 2013 thing.”
3. The Breaking Bad Finale: A guy walks into a bar looking devastated and orders a “Blue Crystal” shot. The bartender says, “The show is over, Walter. It’s time to come clean… and pay your tab.”
4. The Get Lucky: Two guys in robot helmets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We’ve been up all night to get lucky, but all you’re getting is a pint of lager. Helmets off.”
5. The Blurred Lines: A guy starts whistling the tune to “Blurred Lines.” The bartender says, “I know you want it, but I’m cutting you off because your vision is getting as blurred as that song’s lyrics.”
6. The Miley Cyrus: A girl walks into a bar and starts twerking against a giant foam finger. The bartender says, “Sir, please tell your daughter that this is a pub, not the VMA stage.”
7. The Vine: A guy orders a drink, takes a sip, and yells “Do it for the Vine!” then falls off his stool. The bartender says, “That’s 6 seconds of fame and 6 hours of a headache.”
8. The Frozen: A guy walks in and starts singing “Let It Go!” The bartender says, “I’m letting you go… straight out the front door if you hit that high note again.”
9. The GTA V: A guy walks into a bar, punches a stranger, steals a car, and drives into a fountain. The bartender says, “He must be playing the new Rockstar game, or he’s just a regular from New Jersey.”
10. The Pope Francis: A guy says, “We have a new Pope and he’s actually pretty cool!” The bartender says, “Does he drink craft beer? Because the last guy looked like he only drank holy water and vinegar.”

The Full 2013 Bar Archive (Selected Quality List)

11. The Cronut: A guy walks in with a croissant-donut hybrid and asks for a beer that matches. The bartender says, “I have a stout that tastes like a mid-life crisis. Close enough?”
12. The Man of Steel: A guy tries to crush a beer can against his head. He fails. The bartender says, “You’re not Henry Cavill, and that’s not Kryptonite, it’s just aluminum.”
13. The Grumpy Cat Part 2: A guy shows a photo of his cat. The bartender says, “I had fun once. It was awful.”
14. The Dogecoin: A guy tries to pay with a picture of a Shiba Inu. The bartender says, “Much wow. Very no. Give me real money.”
15. The Iron Man 3: A guy asks for a drink that can “reboot his arc reactor.” The bartender gives him a double espresso and a battery.
16. The Great Gatsby: A guy walks in wearing a white tuxedo and holding a coupe glass. The bartender says, “Easy there, Old Sport. This is a dive bar.”
17. The Blackfish: A guy orders a drink and says, “I’m never going to SeaWorld again!” The bartender says, “That’s fine, but the whale on the next stool still wants a Guinness.”
18. The Ylvis: A guy walks in and asks, “What does the fox say?” The bartender says, “The fox says: ‘Ring-ding-ding-ding-pay-your-tab!'”
19. The Macklemore: A guy walks in wearing a giant fur coat he bought for 99 cents. The bartender says, “This is f***ing awesome… but you still can’t smoke that in here.”
20. The Netflix Binge: “What did you do this weekend?” “I watched 13 hours of House of Cards.” “And you’re still standing? Impressive.”
21. The Gravity: A guy falls off his stool. The bartender says, “George Clooney didn’t make it back, and neither did you. You’re cut off.”
22. The Wolf of Wall Street: A guy stands on a table and starts chanting while beating his chest. The bartender says, “Unless you’re Leonardo DiCaprio, get down and stop eating the goldfish.”
23. The Lorde: “We will never be royals…” “With the way you tip, I believe you,” says the bartender.
24. The Instagram Direct: “I just sent a photo of my beer directly to my ex!” “That’s a bold move, Dave. Let’s see if it pays off.”
25. The Google Glass: A guy walks in wearing weird glasses. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ‘Glass-holes’ here. Take them off before someone thinks you’re filming the bathroom.”
26. The Candy Crush: A guy’s phone makes a loud ‘Sweet!’ noise. The bartender says, “Level 400? Put the phone down and talk to a human.”
27. The Sharknado: A guy asks for a drink with a plastic shark in it. The bartender says, “The movie was bad enough, don’t ruin the gin too.”
28. The Bat-kid: A guy dresses up as Batman to help a kid. The bartender gives him a drink on the house. “Real heroes drink for free.”
29. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: A guy complains that his spicy wings are “catching fire.”
30. The Despicable Me 2: A guy walks in with a yellow minion plushie. The bouncer says, “The yellow guy stays outside.”
31. The Craft Beer Overload: “Does this beer have notes of toasted brioche and forest floor?” “No, it’s just beer, Kevin.”
32. The Moscow Mule: The copper mug is now officially a 2013 fashion accessory.
33. The Old Fashioned: “Still popular?” “Thanks to Don Draper, I’ll be making these until 2015.”
34. The White Russian: “The Dude is still in 1080p, and so is this drink.”
35. The Jägerbomb: The only thing more consistent than a viral meme.
36. The Margarita: “Saltier than the comments section on a YouTube video.”
37. The Tequila: One shot to forget 2012, two shots to enjoy 2013.
38. The Whiskey Sour: “As sour as a guy who just lost his Vine followers.”
39. The Dark and Stormy: “The forecast for every ‘Harlem Shake’ video ever made.”
40. The Sex on the Beach: “Can I tag this location?” “Only if you’re not with your wife.”
41. The Kamikaze: “To the year of the selfie!”
42. The B-52: “Light it up like a new smartphone screen.”
43. The Mimosa: “The official drink of ‘I’m never drinking again’ (until Sunday).”
44. The Sangria: “Fruit, wine, and a lack of self-control.”
45. The Draft Beer: “Unfiltered, just like my 2013 status updates.”
46. The Coaster: A guy tries to use the coaster to scan a QR code.
47. The Bar Snack: “Are these peanuts gluten-free?” The bartender sighs. “It’s starting…”
48. The Ice Cube: “I’m artisanal ice. I’m the 1% of the freezer.”
49. The Bottle Opener: “The only thing more reliable than a Nokia 3310.”
50. The Bar Stool: “Reserved for the guy who still thinks ‘Wassup’ is funny.”
51. The Neon Sign: “The original Instagram filter.”
52. The 2013 Ending: “Next year we get the World Cup!” “And a lot more selfies,” says the bartender.
53. The New Year’s Resolution: “In 2014, I’m going to stop saying ‘YOLO’.”