69 Bar Jokes: The 2003 “Finding Nemo & iTunes Store” Edition

In 2003, the bar was the place to be if you wanted to debate the ending of The Lord of the Rings or complain about how much a song cost on the new iTunes Store ($0.99 for a song?!). Low-rise jeans were still everywhere, and the “Energy Drink” mixer evolved into a lifestyle. It was the year we all learned to “shake it like a Polaroid picture” while holding a neon-colored martini.

The 2003 Top 10: The “P. Sherman & 99 Cents” Jokes

1. The Finding Nemo: A fish walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender says, “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney?” The fish says, “How did you know?” The bartender replies, “Everyone’s looking for you, pal. You’re the most famous fugitive in the ocean.”
2. The iTunes Store: A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be five dollars, plus 99 cents for the right to listen to the music playing in here.”
3. The Hey Ya!: A guy starts shaking his drink violently. The bartender asks, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m shaking it like a Polaroid picture! André 3000 told me to!”
4. The Old School: A guy walks into a bar with a giant boombox and a red tracksuit. The bartender says, “We’re going to the gymnasium! We’re going streaking!” The guy says, “Wait, is this a bar or a Frank the Tank fan club?”
5. The 50 Cent: A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “That’ll be 50 Cent.” The guy says, “Wow, prices have really dropped!” The bartender says, “No, I mean the rapper is sitting right behind you and he already paid for it.”
6. The Pirates of the Caribbean: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants. The bartender asks, “Doesn’t that bother you?” The pirate says, “Yarr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
7. The Arnold: A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’ll be back… as Governor.” The bartender says, “Sure thing, Arnold. Just pay your tab before you head to Sacramento.”
8. The MySpace: A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Will you be my friend?” The bartender says, “Sure.” The guy says, “Great, you’re now in my Top 8.”
9. The Matrix Revolutions: A guy orders three shots. The bartender asks, “Why three?” The guy says, “Because the first one was great, the second was okay, and I’m hoping the third one makes sense of the whole night.”
10. The Camera Phone: A guy tries to take a picture of his beer. The bartender says, “It’s 2003, pal. That photo will be so blurry it’ll look like a watercolor painting of a potato.”

The Full 2003 Bar Archive (Extended List)

11. The Appletini 3.0: “Does this come in a bigger glass?” “No, but it comes with more self-reflection.”
12. The Blackberry 7230: A guy is typing with both thumbs. The bartender says, “You look like you’re playing a very tiny accordion.”
13. The Lord of the Rings Conclusion: A guy says, “The journey is over!” The bartender says, “Good, now you can finally leave this stool.”
14. The Beyoncé: A girl orders a drink and does the “Crazy in Love” dance. The bartender says, “Careful, you’ll put an eye out with those sequins.”
15. The Bluetooth Earring: A guy walks in talking to his ear. The bartender says, “Are you a secret agent or just lonely?”
16. The Reality TV: A guy asks, “Who won American Idol tonight?” The bartender says, “The liquor store across the street, because everyone is drinking to forget that audition.”
17. The Hybrid Car: A guy says, “I bought a Prius!” The bartender says, “Great, you can drive home on electricity and hope.”
18. The Low-Carb Craze: A guy asks for a “carb-free whiskey.” The bartender says, “That’s just whiskey. Welcome to the club.”
19. The Flash Mob: Fifty people walk into a bar, drink a shot, and leave. The bartender says, “Well, that was a very efficient way to make $200.”
20. The Kill Bill: A woman in a yellow tracksuit walks in. The bartender says, “I don’t want any trouble, Beatrix.”
21. The Starbucks Expansion: A guy asks, “Why is there a Starbucks inside your bar?” The bartender says, “I turned my back for five minutes and they moved in.”
22. The iPod Battery: A guy’s iPod dies after two hours. The bartender says, “Just like your enthusiasm for this date, huh?”
23. The Wikipedia Fact: A guy says, “Wikipedia says I’m the world’s best lover.” The bartender says, “You wrote that yourself five minutes ago, didn’t you?”
24. The Jägerbomb Anthem: Every time a Jägerbomb is served, a frat boy gets his wings.
25. The Cosmopolitan: A woman orders a Cosmo and says, “It’s a classic now.” The bartender says, “It’s a lifestyle.”
26. The Vodka Red Bull: A guy says, “I can see through time!” The bartender says, “That’s just the neon sign reflecting off your glasses.”
27. The Chocolate Martini: A guy orders one and says, “It’s for my… soul.”
28. The Guinness: “Why does it take so long?” “Because perfection doesn’t have a fast-forward button.”
29. The Corona: A guy asks for a lime and the bartender says, “I’ll give you a lemon. It’s 2003, we’re diversifying.”
30. The Heineken: A guy orders a Heineken and says, “International man of mystery, checking in.”
31. The Bud Light: “Real Men of Genius…” The bartender says, “Mr. Over-the-Top Drink Orderer, this one’s for you.”
32. The Miller Lite: “Tastes Great, Less Filling!” A guy says, “I’ll take twelve.”
33. The Tequila: A guy takes a shot and starts speaking Spanish. He doesn’t know Spanish.
34. The Whiskey Sour: “As sour as the current news cycle.”
35. The Manhattan: A guy orders a Manhattan and says, “I feel like a titan of industry.”
36. The Old Fashioned: A guy orders one and says, “Make it like my grandfather made it—strong and without questions.”
37. The Sidecar: “Does this come with a helmet?” “Only if you plan on falling off the stool.”
38. The Rusty Nail: A guy orders one and says, “I need some iron in my diet.”
39. The Dark and Stormy: “Like my ex’s personality.”
40. The Sex on the Beach: A guy orders one and the bartender says, “We’re out of sand, is a napkin okay?”
41. The Kamikaze: A guy orders a round for people who aren’t even at the bar yet.
42. The B-52: “Light it up!” The bartender says, “I’m not a pyrotechnician, I’m a drink-pourer.”
43. The Mimosa: “Is it brunch yet?” “It’s Tuesday night, sir.”
44. The Sangria: A guy finds a cherry and says, “I’m eating healthy tonight.”
45. The Margarita: “Salt or no salt?” “Salt. I’m feeling spicy.”
46. The Draft Beer: “Why is it warm?” “It’s ‘Artisanal’.”
47. The Coaster: A guy uses it as a business card. The bartender says, “No one is going to call a beer-stained coaster.”
48. The Bar Snack: “Are these peanuts salted?” “They’re 90% salt, 10% mystery.”
49. The Ice Cube: An ice cube says, “I’m the only thing in this bar that’s actually cool.”
50. The Bottle Opener: “I’m the gateway to your weekend.”
51. The Bar Stool: “Is this seat taken?” “Yes, by the ghost of your dignity.”
52. The Neon Sign: The ‘Lite’ sign is flickering. A guy says, “Does that mean the beer is half-off?”
53. The Karaoke: A guy sings “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence. The bartender says, “I’m trying, but the beer only does so much.”
54. The Pool Table: A guy misses the cue ball. The bartender says, “You’re a natural… at making me laugh.”
55. The Bouncer: The bouncer says, “You’re too drunk for 2003.” The guy says, “But in 2004 I’ll be a genius!”
56. The Bartender’s Tip: “A dollar a drink keeps the bad jokes away.”
57. The Vodka Tonic: “Clear and simple, like my 2003 goals.”
58. The Rum and Coke: A guy orders a “Captain” and expects a salute.
59. The Wine List: “I’ll have the red.” “Which one?” “The wet one.”
60. The Closing Time: “Last call! Go home and fix your MySpace profile!”
61. The Atkins Diet: A guy orders a steak and six vodkas. “Health first!”
62. The Napster Sequel: A guy tries to share his drink with a stranger. The bartender says, “That’s not networking, that’s just weird.”
63. The BlackBerry: “I’m ‘CrackBerry’ addicted!” The bartender says, “I’m ‘Pay-Your-Tab’ addicted.”
64. The Lord of the Rings 3: A guy says, “It’s finally over.” The bartender says, “The movie, or your story about the movie?”
65. The Harry Potter 3: A guy asks for a “Prisoner of Azkaban” drink. The bartender gives him a glass of water behind bars.
66. The PlayStation 2: A guy says his PS2 is his best friend. The bartender says, “At least it doesn’t talk back.”
67. The Energy Drink Crash: A guy is vibrating while sleeping.
68. The 2003 Ending: A guy says, “Next year is going to be the year of the social network!” The bartender says, “As long as people still come here to ignore each other, I’m happy.”
69. The New Year’s Resolution: “I’m going to stop drinking… in 2004.”