68 Marriage Jokes: The 2011 “Siri & Skyrim” Edition

In 2011, marriage was about the high-stakes introduction of Siri (the other woman in every husband’s pocket), the cinematic conclusion of the Harry Potter era, and the domestic “black hole” created by the release of Skyrim. It was the year of the Royal Wedding obsession, the rise of “winning” thanks to Charlie Sheen, and the realization that your wife’s Pinterest boards were becoming a legally binding to-do list for your weekends.

The 2011 Top 10: The “Voice Assistants & Dragonborn” Classics

The Siri: I asked Siri, “What do women want?” She’s been searching for forty-two minutes. My wife looked at me and said, “I could have told you in two seconds: it’s for you to put your shoes away.”
The Skyrim: I told my wife I’m the “Dragonborn.” She told me that unless I can “Fus Ro Dah” the trash out to the curb with my voice, I’m just a guy in his underwear playing video games.
The Royal Wedding: My wife woke me up at 4 AM to watch Kate and William. I told her I’m happy for them, but unless there’s a dragon or an explosion, I’m going back to sleep. I am currently “sleeping in the tower” (the guest room).
The Pinterest: My wife started “pinning” pallet furniture. Now our backyard looks like a lumber yard and I’ve spent $400 on a “free” coffee table that gives everyone splinters.
The Harry Potter Finale: It’s finally over. My wife is mourning her childhood. I told her, “After all this time?” She said, “Always,” and then asked me to pay the “Muggle-gage.”
The Charlie Sheen: I told my wife I’m “Winning!” and that I have “Tiger Blood.” She told me I have “High Blood Pressure” and I’m “Losing” my mind if I think I’m getting out of going to her sister’s brunch.
The Planking: I found my husband lying face down on the kitchen counter. I thought he’d fainted. He said, “I’m planking, Brenda. It’s a trend.” I told him the only trend in this house is me leaving him if he doesn’t move so I can make lunch.
The Bridesmaids: My wife watched the movie and now she keeps calling her friends “the worst.” I told her they’re not that bad. She said, “You didn’t see the dress-fitting scene, Greg. You don’t know the trauma.”
The Game of Thrones: The show started. My husband keeps saying, “Winter is coming.” I told him, “No, the electric bill is coming, and it’s because you leave the lights on in every room.”
The iPad 2: It’s thinner and has a camera. My husband is using it to take photos of his own forehead. He says it’s for “documentation.”

The Full 2011 Archive (Extended List)

The Rebecca Black: “Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday.” My wife sings this every Thursday night to haunt my dreams.
The Moneyball: I told her I’m using “sabermetrics” to run our household. She said, “According to my stats, your ‘Value Over Replacement Husband’ is currently at an all-time low.”
The Adele: “Someone Like You” is playing on repeat. I told her I’m right here. She said, “I know, that’s why I’m listening to the song.”
The Ghost Protocol: I told her I’m Ethan Hunt. She said, “Your ‘Mission Impossible’ is finding a pair of matching socks in that laundry pile.”
The Google+: My husband invited me to his “Circle.” I told him I’m already in his circle—it’s called a marriage, and there’s no ‘unsubscribe’ button.
The Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. She’s crying about the wedding. I’m crying about the fact that there’s still another movie left.
The Minecraft: My husband is building a house out of digital dirt. I told him we have a real house made of real bricks that needs the gutters cleaned.
The Thor: I told her I’m “Worthy” of Mjolnir. She handed me the vacuum cleaner and said, “If you can lift this, you’re worthy of a clean living room.”
The LMFAO: “Party Rock Anthem.” Every day I’m shufflin’. My wife says every day I’m “shufflin’ the responsibility” of the dishes.
The Fast Five: I told her we’re “family” like Vin Diesel. She said, “Then go fix the ‘family’ car, Toretto.”
The Siri Logic: “Siri, where is my wife?” “She is at Target spending your retirement fund.” Siri is too honest.
The Rise of the Planet of the Apes: I told her the monkeys are taking over. She said, “They’ve already taken over the remote, judging by how much Animal Planet you watch.”
The Maroon 5: “Moves Like Jagger.” I tried the moves. I threw out my back. Jagger can keep his moves; I’ll keep my heating pad.
The Drive: I bought a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back. My wife asked if I’m going to drive a getaway car. I told her I’m driving the kids to soccer.
The iCloud: Everything is in the cloud now. My wife asked where the cloud is. I pointed at the ceiling. She didn’t talk to me for an hour.
The Horrible Bosses: I told her she’s a horrible boss. She reminded me that she’s not my boss, she’s my “Life Manager,” and I’m currently on probation.
The Super 8: I told her I’m making a movie about our life. She said, “It’ll be a silent film, because I’m giving you the silent treatment.”
The Captain America: I told her I’m the “First Avenger.” She said, “You’re the ‘First Complainer’ when the WiFi goes down.”
The Katy Perry: “Last Friday Night.” I don’t remember much. Mostly because we fell asleep watching the news at 9:30 PM.
The Help: We saw the movie. I told her, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” She said, “You is going to do the floors.”
The X-Men: First Class: I told her I’m Magneto. She said, “The only thing you attract is crumbs and bad luck.”
The Pitbull: “Mr. Worldwide.” I told her I’m international. She reminded me I haven’t left the tri-state area since 2004.
The Angry Birds Rio: I told her I’m going to Brazil. She said, “You’re going to the basement to find the Christmas decorations.”
The Hugo: We saw the movie. It’s about a boy in a clock. My husband said, “I wish I lived in a clock, it would be quieter than this house.”
The Foster the People: “Pumped Up Kicks.” My wife: “Are those the shoes you bought with the money we were supposed to save for the fence?”
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: She wants to be Lisbeth Salander. I told her she’s more like “The Girl with the Target Card.”
The Midnight in Paris: I told her I want to live in the 1920s. She said, “Good, then go outside and use the outhouse, because I’m cleaning the bathroom.”
The Tintin: I told her I’m an investigative reporter. She told me to investigate who ate the last slice of cheesecake. (It was me).
The Choice: “Should we get a Kindle or a Nook?” “Does it matter? You’re just going to use it as a coaster for your wine.”
The Real Housewives: She’s watching the Beverly Hills one. I told her they’re all crazy. She said, “That’s why I watch them, it makes me feel like a saint.”
The First Person Shooter: I’m playing Modern Warfare 3. My wife walked in front of the TV. I told her she’s in the “line of fire.” She gave me a look that was more dangerous than a grenade.
The War Horse: We watched it. She cried because of the horse. I cried because it was two and a half hours long.
The Melancholia: I told her the world is ending. She said, “Not until you finish the guest room.”
The Lady Gaga: “Born This Way.” I told her I was born to be wild. She said, “You were born to be a middle manager who enjoys a good nap.”
The We Bought a Zoo: I told her we should buy a zoo. She said, “We already have a dog that won’t stop barking and two kids—that’s a zoo.”
The Bruno Mars: “The Lazy Song.” I told her this is my anthem. She said, “I know, I’ve been living with the remix for years.”
The Puss in Boots: I did the “big eyes” thing to get a beer. She said, “You’re not a cat, Greg. You’re a 40-year-old man. Get it yourself.”
The Immortals: I told her I’m a god. She told me I’m a “mortal” who needs to go buy more toilet paper.
The Contagion: She saw the movie and now she’s washing her hands every five minutes. I told her she’s safe. She said, “Not from your germs, I’m not.”
The Minecraft Logic: “Why are you punching a tree?” “I need wood for my house.” “There’s a hardware store two miles away, use the car.”
The Green Lantern: We saw the movie. I told her I have the ring of power. She said, “Is it the ‘Power to forget to call your mother’ ring?”
The J. Edgar: I told her I’m a G-man. She said, “You’re a ‘G-man’—the ‘G’ stands for ‘Grocery-getter’.”
The Footloose Remake: I told her I want to dance. She said, “The only thing ‘loose’ in this house is the tile in the kitchen you promised to fix.”
The Real Steel: Robot boxing. My husband: “This is the future!” Me: “The future is you not being able to find your reading glasses.”
The Tree of Life: We watched it. We didn’t understand it. We spent the night arguing about what the dinosaurs meant.
The New Year’s Eve Movie: Too many celebrities. My wife said, “It’s like a party where I don’t want to talk to anyone.” I said, “So… every party we go to?”
The Skyrim Arrow: “I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee.” I said this when I tripped over her shoes.
The Conan the Barbarian: I told her I’m a warrior. She said, “You’re a ‘War-ignore’—you ignore every ‘war’ I start about the laundry.”
The Muppets Movie: I told her I’m a Muppet of a man. She said, “No, you’re just a ‘Very Manly Muppet’ who likes to sing in the shower.”
The Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows. I told her I’m playing a game of shadows. She turned on the light and said, “Go to bed.”
The Rihanna: “We Found Love.” I told her we found love in a hopeless place. She said, “Yeah, the DMV back in ’98.”
The Moneyball Logic: “He gets on base.” “Yeah, but he doesn’t take out the recycling.” “The stats don’t care about recycling, Brenda.”
The Super Bass: My wife is trying to learn the Nicki Minaj rap. She sounds like she’s having a minor medical emergency.
The Final Word: She said, “2012 is the end of the world.” I said, “At least I won’t have to finish the basement.”
The 2011 Wrap-up: We checked our “Year in Review” on Facebook. It’s just 300 pictures of our cat and one blurry photo of a sandwich.
The Siri Sassing: I asked Siri to “Call my wife.” Siri said, “Which one? The one who is mad at you or the one who is really mad at you?”
The Final Result: I survived 2011. My wife survived my attempt at a “Tiger Blood” lifestyle.
The Last Word: “Yes, dear.” (Some things never change, even with an iPhone).