70 Marriage Jokes: The 2001 “Odyssey & iPod” Edition

In 2001, marriage was about the arrival of the first iPod, the cinematic wonder of The Fellowship of the Ring, and the realization that high-speed internet was no longer a luxury but a necessity for marital peace. It was the year we all learned to use Wikipedia to settle arguments and realized that “shrek-like” was a valid description for a husband before his morning coffee.

The 2001 Top 10: The “Digital & Domestic” Classics

1. The iPod: My husband bought the new Apple iPod. It holds 1,000 songs. He spent the entire weekend scrolling through the wheel. I told him he now has 1,000 ways to ignore me.
2. The Fellowship: We watched Lord of the Rings. My wife said our marriage is like the Ring—precious, heavy, and she’s the only one who can handle the burden while I just wander around like a hobbit looking for second breakfast.
3. The Wikipedia: We had an argument about the capital of Nebraska. My husband looked it up on this new “Wikipedia” site. Now he thinks he’s the smartest man on Earth because he has a bookmark.
4. The Shrek: I told my wife she’s my Princess Fiona. She asked if I was calling her an ogre. I told her it’s about “layers.” I’m currently sleeping in the swamp (the guest room).
5. The Xbox: I bought the original Xbox. My wife asked why the controller is the size of a dinner plate. I told her it’s to accommodate my “massive gaming skills.” She said it’s more for my “massive ego.”
6. The Training Day: My wife came home from work and told me, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me!” after she dealt with the HOA. I’ve never been more attracted to and terrified of her.
7. The Harry Potter: The first movie came out. My husband tried to run through a brick wall at the train station. I told him he’s not a wizard; he’s just a man with a concussion.
8. The Bridget Jones: My wife is obsessed with the movie. She started keeping a diary of her “units of alcohol” and “cigarettes.” I started a diary of how many times she mentions Colin Firth.
9. The Ocean’s Eleven: I told my wife I’m putting together a “crew” for a heist. She told me to start by recruiting someone to take out the recycling.
10. The Legally Blonde: My wife decided to “Bend and Snap” while picking up my socks. She threw her back out. Now I’m the one doing the laundry.

The Full 2001 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Fast and the Furious: My husband thinks our minivan is a race car now. He “drifted” into the driveway and hit the trash cans.
12. The Moulin Rouge: She wants our bedroom to be more “bohemian.” I told her we can’t afford a windmill on the roof.
13. The GameCube: It’s purple and has a handle. My wife said it’s the only purse I’m allowed to carry.
14. The Wikipedia Fight: “According to Wikipedia, I’m right.” “According to the person who cooks your dinner, you’re wrong.”
15. The Zoolander: I gave my wife “Blue Steel.” She gave me “The Look That Means No Sex For A Month.”
16. The Monsters, Inc.: I told my husband he’s James P. Sullivan—big, hairy, and scared of a toddler.
17. The Britney & Justin: They wore matching denim outfits. I suggested we do the same for the BBQ. My wife threatened to burn my jeans.
18. The Halo: My husband is “Saving the Universe.” I told him the universe in the living room is covered in dust.
19. The Gorillaz: My wife asked why the band members are cartoons. I told her it’s because they’re easier to manage than real men. She agreed.
20. The A Beautiful Mind: I told her I’m a genius. She told me the only thing I’ve mastered is the “math” of how many beers I can fit in the fridge.
21. The Life Alert: I fell in the shower. My wife said, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I told her I was actually hurt. She said, “I know, but the joke was right there.”
22. The Destiny’s Child: “Survivor” is on. My wife says it’s her anthem. I reminded her she barely survived the 15-minute wait at the DMV.
23. The Blackberry: He’s “crackberry” addicted. He paged me from the grocery store to ask what color onions we use.
24. The Amélie: She cut her bangs and started being “whimsical.” I told her being whimsical doesn’t pay the electric bill.
25. The Harry Potter Book: She’s reading The Goblet of Fire. She told me I’m a “Squib.” I had to look it up. I’m offended.
26. The DVD Player: We finally got a “progressive scan” one. Now I can see the flaws in the actors’ skin and my wife’s disappointment in 480p.
27. The Starbucks Expansion: There are now two Starbucks on our street. My wife calls it “The Caffeine Corridor.” My wallet calls it “The Black Hole.”
28. The Planet of the Apes: I saw the remake. I told my wife I’m glad humans are in charge. She looked at me and said, “Are we, though?”
29. The Alicia Keys: She’s singing “Fallin’.” I told her she’s fallin’ for my charms again. She said she’s fallin’ asleep while I talk.
30. The Spy Kids: My kids think they’re secret agents. My wife thinks I’m a double agent working for the “Dirty Sock Coalition.”
31. The XP: Windows XP came out. It’s “stable.” My wife said she wishes our marriage was as stable as a fresh OS install.
32. The Royal Tenenbaums: My husband started wearing a tracksuit everywhere. I told him he’s not Ben Stiller; he’s just a guy who gave up.
33. The Pearl Harbor: We watched the movie. She cried at the romance. I cried at the historical inaccuracies. We are not the same.
34. The Nickelback: “How You Remind Me” is on every five minutes. My wife said it reminds her of why she bought earplugs.
35. The Vanilla Sky: I told her the world is a dream. She told me to wake up and fix the garbage disposal.
36. The Black Hawk Down: My husband watched it and now he thinks he’s a tactical expert. He “cleared” the bedroom before going to sleep.
37. The Joe Dirt: I told her I’m growing a mullet. She told me she’s growing a divorce.
38. The Segway: He wants to buy a “human transporter.” I told him he has legs that work for free.
39. The Enron: My husband’s “investment strategy” was just like Enron. I told him I’m the SEC and I’m launching an investigation into his “golf fund.”
40. The Shakira: “Whenever, Wherever.” I told her that’s my policy for snacks.
41. The AI Movie: We watched A.I. Artificial Intelligence. My wife asked if I’d love her for two thousand years. I said, “Let’s see if we make it to Tuesday first.”
42. The Napster Shutdown: My husband is devastated. He’s like a sailor who lost his compass.
43. The 24: We started watching the show. Now my husband thinks every phone call is a national security threat.
44. The Low-Rise Jeans: She bought a pair. I told her they’re structurally impossible.
45. The American Pie 2: He laughed at the glue scene. I realized I married a 12-year-old in a 30-year-old’s body.
46. The Kate & Leopold: She wants a man from the 19th century. I told her they didn’t have indoor plumbing or remote controls. She said she’d take the trade.
47. The Jimmy Neutron: My son thinks he’s a genius. My husband thinks he’s “The Dad.” They’re both wrong.
48. The Linkin Park: “Crawling in my skin.” My wife: “That’s probably just the wool sweater I bought you. Stop being dramatic.”
49. The Digital Watch: It has a calculator. He used it to calculate the tip at dinner. It took him longer than doing it in his head.
50. The Choice: “What movie should we rent?” “Something romantic.” “How about The Mummy Returns?” “How is that romantic?” “They’re together for eternity!”
51. The Britney: “I’m a Slave 4 U.” My wife: “Finally, a song that accurately describes your role in this household.”
52. The Bridget Jones Habit: She’s started talking in a British accent. I told her it’s “Bloody Annoying.”
53. The Harry Potter Obsession: She’s sorting our neighbors into Hogwarts houses. The guy next door is a Slytherin. I’m a Hufflepuff.
54. The DVD Menu: We spent 15 minutes trying to find the “hidden features.” We found a 30-second clip of a cat. Success.
55. The Moulin Rouge Song: “Lady Marmalade.” She’s singing it in the shower. I told her “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi” means “Will you do the dishes?” She didn’t fall for it.
56. The Smallville: My wife is obsessed with young Clark Kent. I told her I’m Superman too—I have a “Weakness” for pizza.
57. The Handheld: He got a Game Boy Advance. He’s playing Mario while I’m talking about our mortgage.
58. The Botox: It was just approved for foreheads. I told my wife she doesn’t need it. She said my constant questions are giving her wrinkles.
59. The Scrubs: We started watching the show. Now my husband thinks he can diagnose my “moods” as clinical conditions.
60. The Ocean’s Eleven: “You’re either in or you’re out.” I told her this about the Saturday trip to Costco. She chose “Out.”
61. The Alias: She thinks she’s Sydney Bristow. I told her she needs a better disguise than just putting on a different hat.
62. The Fellowship Part 2: We’ve been at the theater for three hours. I asked if the ring is destroyed yet. She said, “We haven’t even left the Shire, Greg.”
63. The iPod Battery: It died after three hours. I told her the future is shorter than I expected.
64. The Legally Blonde: She bought a Pink suit. I told her she looks like a very professional stick of bubblegum.
65. The Shrek Quote: “Better out than in, I always say.” My husband said this after a large meal. I told him that doesn’t apply to his opinions.
66. The Wikipedia Edit: I tried to edit the page for “Best Husband” to put my name. It was deleted for “Lack of Evidence.”
67. The Training Day: “It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.” My wife said this when she found the empty cookie box in my car.
68. The Bluetooth: He’s still wearing it. He looks like a telemarketer who got lost in a grocery store.
69. The Final Destination 2: She saw the trailer. Now she won’t drive behind any truck carrying logs. To be fair, neither will I.
70. The Final Word: She said, “I’m the boss of this house.” I said, “I’m the CEO.” She reminded me that the CEO always reports to the Chairman of the Board.