65 Marriage Jokes: The 1998 “Google & Grunge” Edition

In 1998, marriage was defined by the transition from the angst of the grunge era to the dawn of the Google age. It was a year of “The Big Lebowski” quotes, Furby-induced nightmares, and the high-stakes diplomacy of sharing the only phone line while one person tried to “search” for something on the new thing called Google.

The 1998 Top 10: The “Search & Sanity” Classics

1. The Search: My husband found a website called “Google.” He spent an hour searching for his own name. I told him he doesn’t need a computer to tell him he’s still a dork.
2. The Furby: My wife bought a Furby. It started talking at 3 AM. I’ve never seen my husband move so fast to lock a toy in the garage.
3. The Big Lebowski: I told my wife the new rug “really tied the room together.” She told me the only thing tied together is my ability to avoid doing the dishes.
4. The Armageddon: We watched the movie. My wife asked if I’d fly into space to save her from an asteroid. I told her I’d do it just to get a break from her mother’s Sunday visits.
5. The Viagra: It’s all over the news. I made a joke about it. Now my wife is looking at me like I’m a science project she’s not sure she wants to start.
6. The iMac: We bought the blue see-through computer. My wife says it’s pretty. I told her it’s a portal to the future. Right now, it’s mostly a portal to us arguing over whose turn it is to play Solitaire.
7. The Sex and the City: My wife and her friends are arguing over which one is a “Carrie.” I told her I’m definitely a “Mr. Big,” but she says I’m more of a “Mr. Forgetful.”
8. The MP3: My husband spent all night downloading one song. I told him he could have driven to the record store, bought the CD, and come back three times in that timeframe.
9. The Bill Clinton: Every time I mess up, I tell my wife “I did not have relations with that pizza.” She doesn’t find it as funny as I do.
10. The Britney Spears: My wife is wearing pigtails and a cardigan. I asked if she’s going to a school play. She said, “Hit me baby one more time,” but with a look that meant she was actually going to hit me.

The Full 1998 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Google Search: I asked Google “Why is my wife mad at me?” The computer crashed. Even the internet has its limits.
12. The Dawson’s Creek: My wife cries every Wednesday. I told her it’s just teenagers talking like college professors. Now I’m sleeping on the couch.
13. The Nokia Snake: Our communication has been replaced by us trying to beat each other’s high scores on a 2-inch screen.
14. The Titanic Hangover: It’s been a year, and she still won’t let me listen to anything but Celine Dion in the car.
15. The Harry Potter Mania: She’s reading the second book. She told me I’m a “Muggle.” I told her I’m the one who pays the “Muggle-gage.”
16. The Saving Private Ryan: We watched it. I told her war is hell. She told me trying to find a parking spot at the mall on a Saturday is worse.
17. The Digital Camera: We bought one with 1 megapixel. Every photo looks like a collection of colored blocks, but we feel like professional photographers.
18. The Laptop: My husband got a laptop for work. He says he can work from anywhere. He currently works from the bathroom.
19. The Cher: She’s singing “Believe” into a hairbrush. I told her I believe she’s lost her mind.
20. The Gap Commercial: We spent the whole afternoon trying to learn the “Jump, Jive an’ Wail” dance. Our knees will never be the same.
21. The Truman Show: My husband is convinced our neighbors are actors. I told him no one would pay actors to live in this neighborhood.
22. The Furball: I found the Furby in the laundry. It said “Hungry.” I told it, “Join the club, my wife is on a juice cleanse.”
23. The Modern Art: We went to a gallery. I said, “I could do that.” My wife said, “But you didn’t. Now hold my purse.”
24. The Zip Drive: I told her we have enough storage for a lifetime. She asked if I could store her mother’s opinions on it.
25. The Aerosmith: “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” is on. I tried to be romantic. She told me she’d like to miss the sound of my snoring.
26. The Fear: She saw The Blair Witch Project trailer and now won’t go near the backyard woods. I have to do all the yard work. Best movie ever.
27. The Windows 98: It’s supposed to be faster. It still takes longer to start up than it does for me to regret my life choices.
28. The Yoga: She bought a “Power Yoga” tape. She’s currently “power napping” on the mat.
29. The PDA: My husband is constantly tapping his PalmPilot. I told him he has three things on his schedule: work, gym, and being annoying.
30. The Spice World: We saw the movie. I survived. I should get a medal and a divorce.
31. The Napster: My husband is “sharing” music. I told him if the FBI knocks, I’m telling them it was his idea.
32. The Cargo Pants: He bought another pair. He now has enough pockets to carry the entire kitchen pantry.
33. The Starbucks Gold: We are now “Gold Members.” It’s like a marriage license, but with more caffeine and less legal protection.
34. The Legend of Zelda: I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. My wife says I love Link more than her. I told her Link doesn’t ask me to take out the trash.
35. The Seinfeld Finale: We watched it together. We felt empty. Like our marriage, but with fewer commercials.
36. The Home Workout: She bought a Tae Bo tape. She accidentally kicked the lamp. I told her she’s officially “dangerous.”
37. The Cell Phone Plan: We have 500 “night and weekend” minutes. We only talk to each other after 9 PM to save money.
38. The Dr. Phil: He’s on Oprah now. My wife keeps asking, “How’s that workin’ for ya?” every time I fail at a chore.
39. The Game Boy Color: I bought one for “the kids.” We don’t have kids.
40. The Reality TV: We started watching The Real World. My wife says our house is like that, minus the hot tub and the drama.
41. The Sushi: She wants to eat raw fish. I told her I prefer my food to be “dead and cooked.”
42. The Flat Screen: We saw a TV that’s only 4 inches thick. It costs $10,000. My wife said, “Maybe in 20 years.”
43. The That ’70s Show: We watched it. She said I dress like Red Forman. I told her, “Dumbass.”
44. The Refinance: We spent the whole weekend talking about interest rates. This is what being an adult feels like. It’s terrible.
45. The Bagel: Everything is a bagel now. Blueberry bagels, jalapeño bagels… I’m waiting for the “Marriage” bagel—salty and hard to swallow.
46. The E-mail: I sent her an e-mail from the next room. She replied with “Get me a soda.” Technology is a miracle.
47. The Mulan: We took the nieces to see it. I told my wife she’s my warrior. She told me to go fight the dishes.
48. The Y2K: My husband is starting to stockpile canned beans. I told him if the world ends, I’m not eating beans with him for eternity.
49. The Pokémon: Every kid on the block is looking for a “Pikachu.” My wife is looking for a husband who remembers to pick up the dry cleaning.
50. The Coffee: We bought a French Press. It takes ten minutes to make a cup. My wife says it’s “sophisticated.” I say it’s “slow.”
51. The Lauryn Hill: The album is on repeat. She says she’s finding her “miseducation.” I told her she was already plenty miseducated about my hobby budget.
52. The Blade: I saw the movie. Now I wear a black leather coat. She says I look like a very sad vampire.
53. The Outboard: We bought a boat. A “hole in the water you throw money into.” My wife is the captain; I’m the one who cleans the barnacles.
54. The Screen Name: Her screen name is “CoolMom72.” I told her she’s not 72 and she’s definitely not a mom yet. She changed it to “AngerIssueWife.”
55. The Pizza: We ordered pizza online for the first time. It arrived three hours late and cold. The future is here!
56. The Fat-Free Pringles: They have “Olestra.” I told my wife the warning label is longer than the ingredients list.
57. The Multimedia: Our PC has “Surround Sound.” Now I can hear the Solitaire cards shuffling in 3D while she yells at me from the kitchen.
58. The High-Rise: She bought “high-waisted” jeans. I told her they’re almost touching her armpits.
59. The Rugrats: We watched the movie. My wife said we should have a baby. I showed her the Furby and said, “Let’s start here.”
60. The TRL: She wants to know why Carson Daly is so popular. I told her it’s because he’s not me.
61. The Office Space: My husband is quoting the “stapler” guy. I’m worried he’s going to burn the house down.
62. The New Car Scent: We bought a new car. I told her we can’t eat in it. Five minutes later, she’s eating a taco over the dashboard.
63. The Deep Impact: Another asteroid movie. I told her the world is ending. She said, “Not until you finish the laundry.”
64. The Choice: “What should we do tonight?” “Let’s go to the movies.” “What’s playing?” “I don’t know, let’s look it up on the Google.”
65. The Final Word: She said, “Stop being so cynical.” I said, “I’m not cynical, I’m just ‘authentically 90s’.”