59 Marriage Jokes: The 2008 “Iron Man & App Store” Edition

In 2008, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of the housing bubble, the sudden obsession with “apps” for things we used to do for free, and the cinematic dawn of Tony Stark. It was the year of the MacBook Air (the “envelope” laptop), the rise of Twilight (and the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob household divide), and the realization that your husband’s “investment portfolio” was currently worth about as much as a Starbucks latte.

The 2008 Top 10: The “Financial Crisis & Fun” Classics

1. The Iron Man: My husband watched the movie and now he thinks he’s a “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” I told him he’s a “middle-manager, mortgage-payer, couch-potato, husband.”
2. The App Store: I downloaded an app that simulates a beer. My husband spent twenty minutes “drinking” it from his phone. I told him he should download an app that simulates him doing the dishes.
3. The Dark Knight: I asked my wife, “Why so serious?” while she was looking at our bank statement. I’m currently “The Joker” who is sleeping in the garage.
4. The Twilight: My wife is “Team Edward.” I told her I’m “Team Please-Turn-Off-The-TV-And-Go-To-Sleep.”
5. The MacBook Air: My husband bought the laptop that fits in an envelope. I told him that’s great, because with the way the economy is going, an envelope might be the only roof we have left.
6. The Wall-E: I told my wife I’m like the little robot—I just want to hold her hand. She said I’m more like the humans on the spaceship—I just sit in a chair and wait for a machine to bring me a milkshake.
7. The Sarah Palin: My wife is practicing her “You betcha!” and “Don’tcha know!” accent. I told her I can see her mother’s house from our backyard, and that’s close enough for me.
8. The Wii Fit: The board told my husband his “Wii Age” is 82. He’s 34. He’s been crying in the fetal position on the yoga mat for an hour.
9. The Olympic Games: Watching Michael Phelps win eight gold medals. My wife asked why I can’t be more like him. I told her I’m currently winning the Gold in “Competitive Snacking.”
10. The Slumdog Millionaire: I told my wife we’re going to be rich. She asked, “Is that your final answer?” I looked at our 401(k) and said, “I’d like to use a lifeline.”

The Full 2008 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Facebook Privacy: My wife found my “Wall.” She asked who “Candi” is. I told her it’s a restaurant. It’s actually a farm-sim game. I’m still in trouble.
12. The Taken: Liam Neeson has a “very particular set of skills.” I told my wife I have those too. She said, “Unless those skills involve finding your car keys, I don’t care.”
13. The Step Brothers: My husband and his brother are quoting the “drum set” scene. I told them if they touch my “drum set” (the nice china), there will be consequences.
14. The Spotify: We can listen to any song for free! My wife still chooses to listen to the same Adele song that makes her cry.
15. The Tropic Thunder: I told her I’m “lead farmer.” She told me to go “lead” the lawnmower over the grass.
16. The Sex and the City Movie: I sat through two hours of shoes and drama. My wife asked what I learned. I said, “I learned that I never want to do that again.”
17. The Katy Perry: “I Kissed a Girl.” I told my wife I liked it. She told me she’s going to “kiss” my PlayStation goodbye if I don’t help with dinner.
18. The Hulu: We can watch TV on the computer! My husband spent the whole night watching commercials for shows he’s already seen.
19. The Kung Fu Panda: I told her I’m the “Dragon Warrior.” She told me I’m just a “Napping Panda” who needs to go to the gym.
20. The BlackBerry Storm: My husband got the touch-screen BlackBerry. He’s been clicking the screen so hard I think he’s going to break his thumb.
21. The Mamma Mia!: She’s singing ABBA in the shower. I told her “S.O.S.” She said, “Money, Money, Money.”
22. The Indiana Jones 4: We saw it. My husband is still mad about the fridge scene. I told him he should be more mad about the yard he hasn’t mown.
23. The Kindle 2: She can carry 1,500 books. I asked if she’s going to read them. She said, “No, but it’s nice to know they’re there while I’m watching Gossip Girl.”
24. The Airbnb: Someone wants to stay in our spare room. My wife said, “Only if they’re willing to listen to you talk about Iron Man for three hours.”
25. The Beyonce: “Single Ladies.” My wife is doing the hand dance. I told her I already “put a ring on it.” She said, “Then where’s the upgrade?”
26. The Gran Torino: My husband is acting like Clint Eastwood. He’s standing on the porch telling the neighbor’s kids to “Get off my lawn.”
27. The Cloverfield: We watched it. She got motion sickness. I told her it’s like her cooking—looks messy and makes you want to throw up. (I’m sleeping in the car).
28. The Iron Man Suit: He tried to build one out of cardboard and duct tape. He looked less like Tony Stark and more like a homeless robot.
29. The Benjamin Button: I told her I’m aging backwards. She said, “That explains the maturity level of a six-year-old.”
30. The Craigslist: I tried to sell our old sofa. A guy offered me a goat and a broken VCR. My wife told me to “take the goat, it’s probably better company.”
31. The Pineapple Express: My husband thinks he’s a “stoner” now because he wore a tie-dye shirt once. I told him he’s just a “stoner” for how long he sits on the couch.
32. The Britney Comeback: Circus. My wife said, “Everyone loves a comeback.” I told her I’m waiting for the “comeback” of my dignity after that 1996 Macarena incident.
33. The Quantum of Solace: I told her I’m a secret agent. She said, “The only secret is how you manage to hide the candy wrappers from me.”
34. The Mario Kart Wii: I used the steering wheel. She beat me with a standard controller. I’ve retired from racing.
35. The Gossip Girl: “You know you love me.” I said this to her. She said, “I know I love the fact that you’re finally taking out the trash.”
36. The iPhone 3G: It has GPS! My husband still managed to get lost going to the new grocery store.
37. The High School Musical 3: We took the kids to the theater. I fell asleep. I woke up and everyone was graduation. I’m just glad it’s over.
38. The Mad Men Logic: “I don’t think about you at all.” I told my wife this. She said, “Good, then you won’t mind if I spend all the money on this ‘classic’ dress.”
39. The Guitar Hero World Tour: Now he wants to be a drummer. My house sounds like a construction site for three hours every night.
40. The Choice: “Should we sell the house?” “The market is down 40%.” “So… we’re staying?” “We’re staying until 2020 at this rate.”
41. The Twilight Sparkle: No, that’s My Little Pony. My wife is mad I got the vampires mixed up with the horses.
42. The Forgetting Sarah Marshall: I told her I’m going to Hawaii. She said, “Only if you’re ‘forgetting’ to come back.”
43. The Bolt: I told her I’m a super-dog. She said, “You’re more like the hamster in the ball—running in circles and going nowhere.”
44. The Lady Gaga: “Just Dance.” I told her it’ll be okay. She said, “It won’t be okay if you don’t find your ‘Poker Face’ and stop lying about the credit card.”
45. The Ghost Town: I told her I can see ghosts. She said, “Can you see the ghost of the man I married? Because he used to help with the chores.”
46. The Marley & Me: We watched the movie. We both cried. Now we’re extra nice to the dog and extra mean to each other.
47. The Hancock: I told her I’m a superhero who doesn’t care. She said, “That’s just a regular husband.”
48. The Speed Racer: We saw the movie. I told her my eyes are bleeding from the colors. She said, “That’s just the bills, Greg.”
49. The 27 Dresses: My wife counted her bridesmaid dresses. She has six. I told her she’s six away from a horror movie.
50. The Mirror’s Edge: He’s “parkouring” again. He fell off the porch. No “Faith” in his abilities.
51. The Pink: “So What.” She’s still a rockstar. I’m still a guy who forgets the milk.
52. The Spiderman 4: It was cancelled. My husband is in mourning. I told him he should mourn the death of our social life instead.
53. The Hulu Plus: We have to pay for it now? My husband is starting a protest in the living room.
54. The App Choice: “There’s an app for that.” “Is there an app for you to stop being annoying?” “I’m checking the store now…”
55. The Yes Man: I told her I’m going to say “Yes” to everything today. She said, “Clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, and pay the bills.” I retired from the movie after ten minutes.
56. The Gas Prices: It’s $4 a gallon. I told my wife we’re walking to dinner. She said, “We’re eating cereal in the dark.”
57. The Fallout 3: My husband is living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I told him our basement looks exactly like the game.
58. The Final Word: She said, “You’re a piece of work.” I said, “And you’re the CEO of the company that owns me.”
59. The Final Result: I downloaded a “Husband Tracker” app. It says he’s currently in the “Dog House.” Accuracy: 100%.