69 Marriage Jokes: The 2003 “Finding Nemo & Friendster” Edition

In 2003, marriage was about quoting Nemo, discovering the power of iTunes, and our first foray into social media (Friendster), which was supposed to “help” us stay in touch with friends we didn’t want to talk to anyway. It was the year Beyoncé announced she was “Crazy in Love” and every husband in the US thought he was Captain Jack Sparrow.

The 2003 Top 10: The “iTunes & Irony” Classics

1. The Nemo: My husband and I were arguing. I looked him in the eye and said, “Just keep swimming.” He didn’t find the Pixar wisdom as inspiring as I did.
2. The Pirates: My husband watched Pirates of the Caribbean and now he calls me “me hearty” and drinks rum at noon. I told him he’s not Jack Sparrow; he’s just a guy who needs a shower.
3. The iTunes: We spent $10 on “digital songs.” My wife said it’s a waste of money because you can’t touch them. I told her it’s the future. She said the future is expensive and invisible.
4. The Friendster: My wife joined a “social network.” She spent four hours finding her high school boyfriend. I spent four hours wondering why I’m making my own dinner.
5. The Beyoncé: She’s singing “Crazy in Love.” I told my wife I’m crazy in love with her. She said, “No, you’re just crazy, and I’m in love with this new pair of boots.”
6. The Matrix Reloaded: We watched the sequel. My husband spent the whole movie trying to explain the plot to me. I told him even the director doesn’t know what’s happening.
7. The Old School: My husband and his friends tried to go “streaking” through the backyard after three beers. I turned on the sprinklers. The “Frank the Tank” phase ended quickly.
8. The Camera Phone: We have a phone with 0.3 megapixels. My wife took a photo of our dinner. It looks like a pile of wet gravel, but we’re sending it to everyone we know.
9. The Bachelorette: Trista chose Ryan. My wife cried. I asked if I get a rose for doing the laundry. She said, “You’re lucky you’re even in the mansion.”
10. The Schwarzenegger: My husband keeps saying “I’ll be back” every time he goes to the bathroom now that Arnold is Governor. It’s been three days. It’s not funny anymore.

The Full 2003 Archive (Extended List)

11. The 50 Cent: “In da Club.” I told my wife it’s my birthday even when it isn’t. She told me to go celebrate “in da garage.”
12. The Elf: My husband thinks he’s Buddy the Elf. He tried to put maple syrup on his spaghetti. I’ve never been closer to calling a lawyer.
13. The Love Actually: We watched it. She wants me to stand outside with cue cards. I told her I’m not doing that in the rain.
14. The MySpace: It’s new. My wife is obsessed with her “Top 8.” I’m not on it. The dog is number three.
15. The Bad Santa: I told her I’m like Billy Bob Thornton—cranky but charming. She said I’m just cranky.
16. The Kill Bill: She watched the movie and now she’s looking at the yellow tracksuit in the catalog. I’m being very, very nice to her.
17. The 2 Fast 2 Furious: I told her I’m “too fast.” She said, “Yeah, especially when it’s your turn to do the dishes.”
18. The Evanescence: “Bring Me to Life.” I told my wife I need to be brought to life. She suggested a walk and less pizza.
19. The Blackberry: It’s the 6210 model. He can check email while we’re at a wedding. I told him the “Black” in Blackberry stands for the “Black Eye” he’s going to get.
20. The School of Rock: My husband started a “band” in the basement. They know two chords. I call them “The Headache.”
21. The Terminator 3: I told her the machines are taking over. She said, “Good, maybe the dishwasher will finally learn how to load itself.”
22. The OutKast: “Hey Ya!” I told her I want to “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” She reminded me that we switched to digital and to sit down.
23. The Simple Life: We watched Paris and Nicole. My wife said, “At least I’m not that clueless.” I reminded her she once asked where the “any” key was on the computer.
24. The Bruce Almighty: I told her I have the powers of God. She said, “Great, then turn this water into wine and fix the leaky sink.”
25. The Justin Timberlake: “Rock Your Body.” I tried to dance. I rocked my hip out of place.
26. The How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: My wife is taking notes. I’m scared to look at the fridge for fear of a “Love Fern.”
27. The Finding Nemo Logic: “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.” My wife remembers this address perfectly but forgets where she put the car keys every morning.
28. The Cold Mountain: She wants to live in a cabin. I told her they don’t have TiVo in cabins. The cabin dream died.
29. The 50 First Dates: I told her it’s like our marriage—I tell her the same jokes every day and she acts like she’s never heard them. (She’s actually just ignoring me).
30. The Skype: We can talk to people over the computer! My wife said, “Now I can see my mother’s disappointment in real-time.”
31. The Seabiscuit: I told her I’m a “long shot.” She said, “No, you’re just a horse’s—” I stopped her there.
32. The Da Vinci Code: Everyone is reading it. My wife thinks there are secret messages in the grocery list.
33. The Gigli: We saw it. It’s the only time we both agreed that we’d rather be at the dentist.
34. The Queer Eye: She wants the “Fab Five” to come over and fix me. I told her I’m “vintage,” not “broken.”
35. The Black Eyed Peas: “Where Is the Love?” I asked my wife this. She said, “It’s in the hamper with the rest of the things you forgot to wash.”
36. The Bad Boys II: I told her “We ride together, we die together.” She said, “We shop together, or you die alone.”
37. The Underworld: She wants to be a vampire. I told her she already is—she sucks the life out of my bank account every weekend.
38. The Britney: “Toxic.” I told her the leftovers in the fridge are toxic. She told me to stop being a “drama Brit.”
39. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Eleven Oscars. My wife gave me one Oscar—for “Best Performance in Avoiding a Conversation.”
40. The White Stripes: “Seven Nation Army.” I told her a seven-nation army couldn’t hold me back. She said, “Try a two-year-old with a runny nose.”
41. The Choice: “What should we do for New Year’s?” “Let’s stay home and watch the Y2K bug not happen again.” “That was three years ago, Greg.”
42. The Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle: She bought a leather jacket. I told her she looks like an Angel. She said, “Then where are my wings and my vacation to Hawaii?”
43. The Lost in Translation: We watched it. She said she relates to Bill Murray. I told her she’s not that interesting when she’s bored.
44. The Master and Commander: My husband thinks he’s a sea captain now. He calls the hallway “the starboard side.”
45. The American Wedding: He laughed at the “shaved dog” scene. I realized I’m married to a teenager again.
46. The iPod Mini: It’s so small! I told her I can fit my whole personality on it. She said, “There’s still plenty of room left.”
47. The Reality TV: Joe Millionaire. My wife was mad he lied. I told her all men lie about their bank accounts on the first date.
48. The Sean Paul: “Get Busy.” I told her let’s get busy. She said she’s busy—doing the taxes.
49. The Brother Bear: I told her I’m like a bear—strong and protective. She said I’m just loud and sleep all winter.
50. The DVD Player: We got one for the car! Now the kids are quiet and I can listen to my wife complain in stereo.
51. The Phone: We have a “polyphonic” ringtone. It sounds like a robotic circus. My wife hates it.
52. The Anger Management: We saw the movie. I told her I’m “inner peaceful.” She laughed for ten minutes straight.
53. The Freaky Friday: I told her I wish we could swap bodies for a day. She said, “No thanks, I don’t want to know what it’s like to think about nothing for twelve hours.”
54. The S.W.A.T.: My husband bought a tactical vest for “home defense.” The only thing he’s defending is the last slice of pizza.
55. The Maroon 5: “Harder to Breathe.” My wife: “That’s because you’re wearing jeans from high school. Give it up.”
56. The Hulk: I told her she wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. She said, “I don’t like you when you’re hungry either, so go eat a sandwich.”
57. The Bluetooth: He’s still wearing the earpiece. Even in bed. I told him he looks like a call center employee who lost his way.
58. The 21 Grams: We watched it. It was depressing. We celebrated by eating an entire cheesecake.
59. The Italian Job: My wife wants a Mini Cooper. I told her she’s not a getaway driver; she’s a mom who gets lost going to Target.
60. The Starsky & Hutch: He bought a red shirt with a white stripe. I told her I’m the “cool one.” She said, “You’re the one who needs to mow the lawn.”
61. The Jet: “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” I asked her this. She said, “I’ve been your girl for ten years, get a new line.”
62. The Radio: He saw the movie and cried. I told him he’s a sensitive soul. He said, “I just have something in my eye.”
63. The Matrix Revolution: I told her I’m “The One.” She said, “You’re ‘The One’ who forgot to pick up the milk.”
64. The Digital Watch: It has a TV remote built-in. He keeps turning off the TV from the kitchen. I’m considering a divorce.
65. The 13 Going on 30: She wants to be “thirty, flirty, and thriving.” I told her she’s “thirty-two, tired, and surviving.”
66. The Monster-in-Law: She saw the trailer. She told me my mother is exactly like Jane Fonda. I told her that’s a compliment. It wasn’t.
67. The Cat in the Hat: We saw the movie. My wife said Mike Myers is terrifying. I told her he’s just like me before my morning coffee.
68. The Pirates Quote: “Why is the rum always gone?” I asked this. My wife said, “Because you drank it all while watching Finding Nemo.”
69. The Friendster Logic: “I have 200 friends!” “How many of them would help us move the sofa?” “Zero.” “Then you have zero friends.”