66 Marriage Jokes: The 2018 “Fortnite & Thanos” Edition

In 2018, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of the “Thanos Snap” (joking about which in-laws would disappear), trying to keep the house quiet enough to survive A Quiet Place, and the domestic divide over your husband’s sudden urge to do “the Floss” dance after every small victory. It was the year of the Royal Wedding (again), the rise of the “Tide Pod” warnings, and the realization that your husband’s Fortnite addiction was officially more time-consuming than his actual job.

The 2018 Top 10: The “Infinity War & Emotes” Classics

The Thanos Snap: I told my wife I wish I had the Infinity Gauntlet. She said, “Great, with one snap you can make half of the laundry disappear.” I told her that’s not how the stones work, and now I’m the one “drifting away” to the guest room.
The Fortnite: My husband did a “victory dance” called the Floss because he finally fixed the leaky faucet. I told him he looks like he’s trying to dry his back with an invisible towel and to please stop before the neighbors see him.
The A Quiet Place: We watched the movie. Now, every time I want my husband to listen, I just walk around the house barefoot and point at my ears. It’s the most peaceful our marriage has been since 2004.
The Royal Wedding: Prince Harry married Meghan Markle. My wife cried for three hours. I told her I’m a prince too. She said, “You’re the Prince of ‘Leaving-Wet-Towels-On-The-Bed’. Where’s my castle?”
The Bird Box: I put a blindfold on and tried to find the kitchen. I hit the door, fell over the dog, and broke a vase. My wife said, “You don’t need a blindfold to be a disaster, Greg. Just be yourself.”
The Tide Pods: I told my wife the laundry detergent looks delicious. She handed me the phone and said, “Go ahead, call the poison control center yourself, I’m not doing it for you this time.”
The Black Panther: I stood in the driveway and shouted “Wakanda Forever!” while taking out the recycling. My wife told me to “Recycle Forever” and get back inside.
The Alexa Microwave: We bought a microwave you can talk to. My wife is mad because I spend more time talking to the appliance about my popcorn than I spend talking to her about her day.
The Shallow: Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sang at the Oscars. My wife looked at me and sang, “Are you happy in this modern world?” I said, “I was until you started judging my sweatpants.”
The Screen Time: Apple added the “Screen Time” feature. My wife saw that I spent 12 hours on “Fantasy Football” last week. I told her it’s a glitch in the Matrix. She “glitched” the TV remote into her purse.

The Full 2018 Archive (Extended List)

The Bohemian Rhapsody: I told her I’m like Freddie Mercury. She said, “You’re more like the ‘Mama’ he’s saying goodbye to.”
The Venom: I told her I have a parasite inside me. She said, “It’s called a ‘burrito’, Greg. Stop being dramatic.”
The Red Dead Redemption 2: My husband has been a cowboy for three weeks. He calls the car “his steed.” I told him “his steed” needs an oil change.
The Incredibles 2: It took 14 years for the sequel. I told her our anniversary gift is taking the same amount of time.
The Aquaman: I told her I can talk to fish. She said, “Talk to the gold fish then, because I’m done listening to your stories.”
The This Is America: I tried to do the Childish Gambino dance. I pulled a muscle in my neck. My wife said, “This is 45.”
The Mission Impossible: Fallout: I told her I’m Tom Cruise. She said, “Tom Cruise does his own stunts. You won’t even jump off the second step of the ladder.”
The Drake: “God’s Plan.” I told her it was God’s plan for me to buy a new grill. She said, “God’s plan involves you cleaning the old one first.”
The Jurassic World 2: I told her the dinosaurs are coming back. She said, “Good, maybe they’ll eat the weeds in the front yard.”
The AirPods Logic: “I can’t hear you, I have my AirPods in.” “I’m holding the credit card bill.” “Suddenly, my hearing has returned!”
The Ocean’s 8: She wants to pull a heist. I told her she already pulled the biggest heist of all—stealing my heart (and my best hoodie).
The Halloween: Michael Myers is back. I told her I’m wearing a mask too. She said, “It’s called ‘denial’ and it’s not a costume.”
The Ariana Grande: “Thank U, Next.” She sings this every time I finish a story.
The First Man: I told her I’m going to the moon. She said, “Take the dog with you, he’s been barking all night.”
The Bumblebee: I told her our car is a Transformer. She said, “It’s a 2012 Honda Civic, Greg. The only thing it transforms is our bank account into ‘zero’.”
The Peter Rabbit: I told her I’m a mischievous bunny. She said, “You’re a ‘mischievous burden’—go do the dishes.”
The Crazy Rich Asians: I told her we’re just “Crazy Asians.” She reminded me that we’re not Asian. I told her, “Well, we’re definitely the ‘Crazy’ part.”
The Grinch Remake: I told her my heart is two sizes too small. She said, “Your brain is three sizes too small if you think you’re getting a PS4 for Christmas.”
The A Star Is Born: I told her I’m a star. She said, “You’re a ‘falling star’—downward trajectory and about to hit the ground.”
The Solo: A Star Wars Story: I told her I’m Han Solo. She said, “You’re definitely ‘Solo’ tonight if you don’t stop talking about Kessel Runs.”
The Hereditary: We watched the movie. Now she makes that “clicking” sound with her tongue to scare me. I haven’t slept in a week.
The Deadpool 2: I told her I’m part of the X-Force. She said, “The ‘Ex-Force’—the force that makes me want to be your ‘Ex’.”
The Mary Poppins Returns: I told her she’s practically perfect in every way. She asked, “Then why did you complain about my cooking yesterday?” “Tactical error.”
The Christopher Robin: I told her I’m Winnie the Pooh. She said, “You’re just a guy who doesn’t wear pants and eats too much honey.”
The Skyscraper: I told her I’m The Rock. She said, “The Rock can jump into a building. You can’t even jump onto a conclusion that makes sense.”
The BlacKkKlansman: We watched the movie. It was intense. We celebrated our freedom by arguing about whose turn it was to fold the towels.
The Slender Man: I told her I’m the Slender Man. She said, “You haven’t been ‘slender’ since our wedding day, Greg.”
The Meg: I told her I’m a prehistoric shark. She said, “You’re a ‘prehistoric husband’—your jokes are from the Stone Age.”
The Equalizer 2: I told her I’m Denzel. She said, “Denzel is ‘Equalizing’. You’re just ‘Neutralizing’ the fun in this house.”
The Choice: “Should we get a Peloton?” “It’s $2,000 for a bike that goes nowhere.” “But it has a screen!” “So does the treadmill you use as a clothes rack.”
The Baby Shark: It’s everywhere. I told her I’m the “Daddy Shark.” She said, “I’m the ‘Mommy Shark’ and I’m about to ‘doo-doo-doo-doo’ my way to a spa day alone.”
The Instant Family: I told her we’re an instant family. She said, “There was nothing ‘instant’ about the twelve hours of labor I went through.”
The Widows: I told her I’m a criminal mastermind. She said, “You’re a ‘criminal’ for how long it takes you to answer a text.”
The Green Book: We watched it. I told her I’m a great driver. She said, “You’re a ‘distracted’ driver who misses every exit.”
The Vice: I told her I’m Dick Cheney. She said, “You’re just a guy who likes to hunt… for the remote.”
The Holmes & Watson: We saw the movie. It was so bad it made us appreciate each other more. Best date ever.
The Post Malone: I told her I’m getting face tattoos. She said, “You’re getting a ‘face-divorce’ if you do.”
The Fortnite Dance: My son taught me the “Orange Justice.” My wife said it looks like I’m having a physical therapy session that went wrong.
The 50 Shades Freed: The series is over. I told her I’m free. She said, “You’re ‘freed’ from the burden of choice—we’re watching The Crown tonight.”
The Mowgli: I told her I’m a jungle boy. She said, “You’re a ‘bungalow boy’—you never leave the house.”
The Peppermint: I told her she’s a vigilante. She said, “I’m a ‘vigil-aunt-e’—I’m staying at my sister’s until you clean the kitchen.”
The Smallfoot: I told her I’m a Yeti. She said, “You’re a ‘Small-brain’—you forgot to buy the tickets.”
The Robin Hood Remake: I told her I’m stealing from the rich. She said, “Steal some time from your video games and give it to the chores.”
The Mortal Engines: I told her I’m a moving city. She said, “You’re a ‘stagnant’ city—move the lawnmower.”
The Ralph Breaks the Internet: I told her I’m gonna break the internet. She said, “You already broke the iPad, sit down.”
The Bird Box Challenge: I tried to do the laundry blindfolded. I washed the cat’s bed with my silk ties. I’m banned from the laundry room. (Victory!)
The Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: I told her there are infinite versions of me. She said, “I hope at least one of them knows how to put the toilet seat down.”
The Maroon 5: “Girls Like You.” I told her I need a girl like her. She said, “You have a girl like me, and she needs a husband who does the grocery shopping.”
The Cam: She watched the movie about webcams. Now she’s taped over the laptop camera. I told her I’m not that interesting. She said, “Better safe than sorry.”
The Alpha: I told her I’m a caveman. She said, “Your grooming habits certainly suggest so.”
The Dog Days: I told her every day is a dog day. She said, “Especially for you, since you’re always in the dog house.”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a handful.” I said, “And you have two hands. Perfect match.”
The Final Result: I did the Floss dance in front of her parents. Her dad asked if I was having a seizure. Her mom asked for a divorce on her behalf.
The Screen Time Result: My phone says I spent 4 hours on “Calculator.” My wife asked what I was calculating. “The odds of me winning this argument.” (The result was 0.00%).
The TikTok Birth: My daughter is doing weird dances. My wife is confused. I’m just trying to figure out where the “rewind” button on life is.
The Last Word: “Yes, dear.” (Thanos couldn’t even snap that phrase away).