63 Marriage Jokes: The 2009 “Avatar & FarmVille” Edition

In 2009, marriage was about navigating the “blue” obsession of Avatar, the constant notifications from FarmVille neighbors, and the rise of the “unfriend” button as a legitimate threat in marital arguments. It was the year of the Hangover quotes, the “Kanye-ing” of Taylor Swift, and the realization that your husband’s biggest achievement for the day was reaching Level 20 in a digital farm.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Blue Aliens & Blackberry Fatigue” Classics

1. The Avatar: My husband watched the movie and now he says he wants to “bond” with our minivan. I told him unless he can connect his hair to the exhaust pipe, he needs to just get in and drive us to the mall.
2. The FarmVille: My wife woke me up at 2 AM. I thought it was an emergency. No, she just needed me to “fertilize her virtual eggplant” before it withered. I’m considering a digital divorce.
3. The Hangover: I went out with the boys and came home with a headache. My wife asked where the tiger was. I told her the only wild animal in this house is her when she sees the credit card bill.
4. The Kanye: My wife was telling me about her day. I interrupted and said, “I’mma let you finish, but my day was one of the best of all time!” I am currently eating my dinner in the driveway.
5. The Unfriend: We had an argument. She didn’t just stop talking to me; she “unfriended” me on Facebook. Now I have to look through the window to see what she’s having for lunch.
6. The Kindle 2: My husband bought the one that “talks.” I told him it’s the only voice in the house he actually listens to for more than five minutes.
7. The Paranormal Activity: After the movie, I stood over my wife while she was sleeping to be “scary.” She punched me in the throat. Apparently, her “fight or flight” is set to “assault.”
8. The Slumdog Millionaire: I told my wife I’m a millionaire. She said, “Only in Zimbabwean dollars, Greg. Now go take out the trash.”
9. The iPhone 3GS: The “S” stands for speed. My husband says it’s life-changing. I told him it just means he can ignore my texts faster than ever before.
10. The Jersey Shore: My wife is “GTL-ing” (Gym, Tan, Laundry). I told her she can skip the first two and just focus on the laundry. I’m currently “The Situation” in the dog house.

The Full 2009 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Up Movie: We watched the first ten minutes. We both cried. I told her I’ll be the old man. She said, “You’re already halfway there, just get the balloons.”
12. The New Moon: My wife is still Team Edward. I told her I’m “Team Get-A-Job-Jacob.”
13. The Glee: My wife is singing in the kitchen again. I told her this isn’t a musical. She told me I’m just “slushee-bait.”
14. The Twitter: My husband is “live-tweeting” our argument. “Wife says I’m lazy. #Unfair #DishesCanWait.” He has four followers. One is his mom.
15. The Star Trek: The reboot came out. I told my wife I’m Captain Kirk. She said, “Then why are we lost in a Sears parking lot, Captain?”
16. The Black Eyed Peas: “I Gotta Feeling.” I told her tonight’s gonna be a good night. She said, “Only if ‘good night’ means you staying on your side of the bed.”
17. The Lady Gaga: She’s wearing a meat dress. I told my wife she should try it. She said she’d rather “wear” the steak I’m supposed to be grilling.
18. The Words with Friends: She beat me by 200 points. I told her “Marriage” is a triple-word score. She said, “Not with you playing it.”
19. The Angry Birds: My husband is obsessed with flinging birds at pigs. I told him he should focus on flinging the trash into the bin.
20. The District 9: I told my wife she’s an alien. She said, “Good, then I don’t have to follow your human rules about ‘cleaning’.”
21. The Michael Jackson: This Is It. I told her I’m doing the Moonwalk. She told me I’m doing the “Stumble-into-the-Coffee-Table.”
22. The iPad Rumors: My husband is convinced a giant iPhone is coming. I told him he already has a laptop. He said, “But this one won’t have a keyboard!”
23. The Proposal: She wants me to be like Ryan Reynolds. I told her I’m more like the grandmother—old and full of weird stories.
24. The Sherlock Holmes: I told her I’m a master of deduction. She said, “Deduct why I’m mad then.” I’m still searching for clues.
25. The 2012 Movie: The world ends in three years. I told my wife we should stop paying the mortgage. She said, “Nice try, John Cusack. Get back to work.”
26. The Bing: Microsoft launched a search engine. I told her I’m “Binging” it. She said, “It sounds like a microwave. Just Google it.”
27. The Paul Blart: I told her I’m a Mall Cop. She said, “You’re barely the ‘Living Room Cop’.”
28. The Zombieland: “Rule #1: Cardio.” I told her this. She said, “Then why are you out of breath after opening a bag of chips?”
29. The Susan Boyle: I told her I dreamed a dream. She told me my dream involves me doing the dishes, and it’s about to come true.
30. The Groupon: She bought a coupon for a “Couples Skydiving” session. I told her I’m not jumping out of a plane for 50% off.
31. The He’s Just Not That Into You: We watched the movie. She asked if I’m “into her.” I said, “I’m into this pizza.” Wrong answer.
32. The Foursquare: My husband “checked in” at the living room. He is now the “Mayor” of our house. I’ve staged a military coup.
33. The Ke$ha: “Tik Tok.” The party don’t start ’til she walks in. I told her the party ends when she starts talking about her mother.
34. The Blind Side: She wants to protect my “blind side.” I told her my blind side is the part of me that didn’t see her coming with a list of chores.
35. The Inglorious Basterds: I told her I’m in the “business of killing nazis.” She told me I’m in the “business of killing the lawn.”
36. The Modern Family: We started watching it. I told her I’m Phil. She said, “No, you’re just Jay without the money.”
37. The Palm Pre: My husband got the phone that “pebbles.” I told him he’s just throwing rocks at our budget.
38. The Taylor Swift: “You Belong with Me.” I told her she belongs in the kitchen. (I am writing this from a nearby motel).
39. The Transformers 2: More explosions. My wife asked if there’s a plot. I told her the plot is “Giant Robots.” She wasn’t impressed.
40. The Choice: “Do you want to see the movie in 3D?” “It’s five dollars more.” “Is it worth it?” “Only if the headache is worth it.”
41. The David After Dentist: “Is this real life?” I asked this after she told me we’re going to her sister’s wedding.
42. The Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: I told her I wish it would rain food. She said, “It already does—every time you eat over the sofa.”
43. The Bruno: We saw the movie. We were traumatized. We haven’t looked at each other the same way since.
44. The Netbook: It’s a tiny computer. I told her it’s cute. She said, “Just like your effort to help with the laundry.”
45. The Pitbull: “I know you want me.” I sang this to her. She said, “I want you… to go to the store and get bread.”
46. The Paranormal Activity Logic: “Why don’t they just leave the house?” My wife: “Why don’t you just leave the remote?”
47. The Miley Cyrus: “The Climb.” I told her life’s a climb. She said, “Then start climbing the stairs and put your clothes away.”
48. The Invictus: I told her I’m the master of my fate. She said, “And I’m the captain of your weekend plans.”
49. The 3D TV: They’re selling them now. I told her we need one. She said, “I can see you in 3D for free, and it’s already too much.”
50. The Facebook Lite: It’s a faster version. I told her I’m “Husband Lite”—faster, but with fewer features (like listening).
51. The Where the Wild Things Are: I told her I’m a Wild Thing. She said, “Yeah, a ‘Wild Thing’ that needs a nap and a snack.”
52. The FarmVille Drama: Someone stole her virtual cow. She’s calling the police. I’m packing my bags.
53. The Unstoppable: No, that was 2010. But my wife’s shopping habit is already “Unstoppable” in 2009.
54. The Jay-Z: “Empire State of Mind.” I told her I’m from the “Empire State of Marriage.” She said, “It’s more like the ‘Sovereign Nation of No-Fun’.”
55. The Couples Retreat: We watched it. She said we should go to an island to fix our problems. I told her our only problem is we don’t have enough islands.
56. The Watchmen: I told her I’m Dr. Manhattan—I see all of time at once. She said, “Then you should have seen that bill coming last month.”
57. The G-Force: A movie about spy guinea pigs. My husband thinks it’s cool. I’m questioning my life choices.
58. The Julie & Julia: She’s cooking through a book. I’m the “Julie” who has to eat all the experiments. My stomach is “Julia-ed.”
59. The Facebook Poke: I poked her on Facebook. She poked me in real life. With a fork.
60. The It’s Complicated: We saw the movie. She said she relates to Meryl Streep. I told her I relate to the guy who just wants a croissant.
61. The Slumdog Logic: “Who wants to be a millionaire?” “Me.” “Then stop spending money on iPhone apps.”
62. The Final Word: She said, “2010 is going to be our year.” I said, “As long as it doesn’t involve more virtual farming.”
63. The Final Result: I checked my FarmVille status. My “Marriage” crop has withered due to neglect.