61 Marriage Jokes: The 2010 “Instagram & Inception” Edition

In 2010, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of sharing the first iPad, the constant fear that your spouse was “Incepting” chores into your dreams, and the social pressure to make your life look perfect through a Lo-fi filter on a new app called Instagram. It was the year of “Tik Tok” (the Ke$ha song, not the app), the tragedy of the Lost finale, and the realization that “The Social Network” was actually a movie about how we all ended up arguing over Facebook comments.

The 2010 Top 10: The “Touchscreens & Totems” Classics

1. The Inception: My husband watched the movie and now he thinks he’s “Incepting” ideas into my head. I told him he didn’t “plant the idea” for me to make lasagna; I just told him to do it three times and he finally heard me.
2. The Instagram: My wife spent ten minutes taking a picture of her salad, applying a “Valencia” filter, and adding fifteen hashtags. By the time she finished, the salad was wilted. I’m currently eating the “Original” version in the dark.
3. The iPad: We bought the first iPad. My wife calls it a “Magical and Revolutionary” device. I told her it’s just a giant iPhone that doesn’t make calls. She told me I’m just a giant husband who doesn’t do dishes.
4. The Lost Finale: We spent six years watching that show. After the finale, my husband stared at the blank screen for an hour. I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “We’re all in the sideways flash, Brenda.”
5. The Angry Birds: I told my wife I’m an “Angry Bird.” She said, “No, you’re just a ‘Cranky Pigeon’ because I won’t let you buy a 3D TV.”
6. The Old Spice: My husband started talking like “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.” I told him I’m looking at him, I’m looking at the horse, and he’s still the guy who forgot to pay the water bill.
7. The Toy Story 3: We went to the theater and both cried like babies when the toys held hands in the furnace. I told my wife our marriage is like Woody and Buzz. She said, “Yeah, except I’m the one who actually knows how to fly.”
8. The Facebook Places: My husband “checked in” at the gym. I checked the window; he was actually in the driveway eating a burrito. Digital treason!
9. The Social Network: After seeing the movie, my husband tried to “code” a new website in the basement. He ended up just ordering a pizza and falling asleep to a YouTube video of a cat.
10. The Justin Bieber: My daughter has “Bieber Fever.” My wife has “Bieber Fatigue.” I have “I’m-Moving-To-The-Garage-Until-2012-Syndrome.”

The Full 2010 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Kindle 3: It has a keyboard now. My wife is reading a book about a woman who leaves her husband to find herself in Italy. I’ve hidden her passport.
12. The Black Swan: My wife started taking ballet classes. I told her she’s a “White Swan.” She told me I’m the guy who’s going to have a “Black Eye” if I don’t stop making bird jokes.
13. The Groupon: She bought a coupon for “Couples Taxidermy.” I told her I’m not spending our Saturday stuffing a squirrel.
14. The Foursquare: He’s still trying to be the “Mayor” of the grocery store. I told him the only “office” he holds is “Minister of Mowing.”
15. The Despicable Me: I told her she’s my “Minion.” She told me I’m “Gru,” but without the cool gadgets or the secret moon-stealing budget.
16. The Ke$ha: “Tik Tok.” The party don’t start ’til I walk in. My wife said the party ends when I start singing the chorus.
17. The Shutter Island: I told her she’s gaslighting me. She said, “No, you really did forget the milk, Teddy.”
18. The 3D Movie Hype: Everything is in 3D now. I told her our debt looks much more realistic in 3D.
19. The Katy Perry: “California Gurls.” My wife is from Ohio. I told her she’s an “Ohio Gurl—Daisy Dukes, orthopedic socks on top.”
20. The FarmVille Peak: She’s reached Level 80. I told her if she put this much effort into a real garden, we’d be self-sufficient. She “un-gifted” me a virtual sheep.
21. The Iron Man 2: More robots. My husband wants a suit. I told him he already has a “suit”—it’s his pajamas, and he’s wearing them at 4 PM.
22. The Eat Pray Love: My wife wants to go to India to find her center. I told her I found her “center” yesterday—it was on the couch under a pile of laundry.
23. The Words with Friends: She used the word “Exasperated” on a triple-word score. It was a message. I received it loud and clear.
24. The Red: I told her I’m “Retired and Extremely Dangerous.” She told me I’m “Retired and Extremely Likely to nap before 6 PM.”
25. The Pinterest: She’s “pinning” recipes she’ll never cook and DIY crafts that will end in a fire. I’m “pinning” my hopes on a pizza delivery.
26. The Tangled: I told her she has “magical glowing hair.” She said, “No, I have ‘over-processed highlights’ and I need fifty dollars.”
27. The iPhone 4: The “Antennagate.” I told my husband he’s holding his phone wrong. He told me I’m holding our marriage wrong.
28. The True Grit: I told her I have true grit. She said, “No, you just have ‘true dirt’ on your shirt. Go change.”
29. The Lady Antebellum: “Need You Now.” I called her at 1 AM. She didn’t think it was romantic; she thought I forgot my house keys again. (I did).
30. The Tron Legacy: My husband bought a neon-blue jacket. He looks like a high-vis construction worker from the year 3000.
31. The Choice: “Do you want to see the movie in IMAX?” “Is it twenty dollars?” “Yes.” “I can just squint at the TV at home for free.”
32. The King’s Speech: I told my wife I have a stammer when I try to say “I’m sorry.” She told me I seem to speak perfectly fine when I’m ordering buffalo wings.
33. The Bruno Mars: “Just the Way You Are.” I sang this to her. She asked, “Even with this messy bun and these sweatpants?” I said, “Especially the sweatpants.” (Correct answer).
34. The Ghost Protocol: No, that’s 2011. But I’m already “ghosting” the conversation when she starts talking about her mother’s diet.
35. The Kick-Ass: I told her I’m a superhero with no powers. She said, “That’s just a guy who gets beat up in an alley. Please stay home.”
36. The Train: “Hey, Soul Sister.” I sang it. She told me to “Hey, Soul Mister” my way to the garage and organize the boxes.
37. The 127 Hours: I told her I’m trapped under a rock. She said, “That’s just the weighted blanket. Get up.”
38. The Unstoppable: I told her I’m like a runaway train. She said, “Then I’m the brake that’s going to save this family from financial ruin.”
39. The Scott Pilgrim: I told her I’ll fight her seven evil exes. She said, “I only have two, and one of them is a CPA who still does my taxes, so don’t hurt him.”
40. The Eminem: “Love the Way You Lie.” I told her I love the way she lies about how much those shoes cost.
41. The Prince of Persia: He’s jumping across buildings. I tried to jump over the baby gate. I’m currently “Prince of the Emergency Room.”
42. The CeeLo Green: “F*** You.” I played this song after our argument. My wife didn’t appreciate the “musical commentary.”
43. The Wall Street 2: I told her “Greed is good.” She told me, “Paying the mortgage is better.”
44. The Winter’s Bone: I told her our house is as cold as a Jennifer Lawrence movie. She told me to go buy some wood for the fireplace.
45. The Rihanna: “Only Girl (In the World).” I told her she’s the only girl for me. She asked, “Then why is Siri a woman?”
46. The Expendables: I told her I’m putting together a team of “old guys who still got it.” She said, “Who? Gary from next door and his lawnmower?”
47. The Easy A: I told her she has a “reputation.” She said, “Yeah, for being the person who actually remembers to buy toilet paper.”
48. The Megamind: I told her I’m a supervillain with a giant head. She said, “You definitely have the giant head part down.”
49. The Social Network Logic: “A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion dollars.” My wife: “You know what’s cool? Finding your other sock.”
50. The Tourist: We saw the movie with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. We both agreed it was a very beautiful travel brochure with no plot.
51. The Bed Intruder: “Hide your kids, hide your wife.” I said this when her parents pulled into the driveway.
52. The Double Rainbow: I asked her, “What does it mean?!” She said, “It means it rained, Greg. Stop watching YouTube and help with the groceries.”
53. The Little Fockers: We saw the third one. We realized that, like the movie franchise, our arguments are just getting repetitive and less funny.
54. The Buried: Ryan Reynolds in a coffin. My husband: “This is exactly how I feel when I’m at the craft store with you.”
55. The Faster: I told her I’m “Dwayne the Rock Johnson.” She said, “You’re more like ‘Dwayne the Pebble’.”
56. The Black Eyed Peas: “The Time (Dirty Bit).” I told her I’ve had the time of my life. She said, “I’ve had the ‘dirty bit’—I just finished cleaning the bathroom.”
57. The Robin Hood: I told her I’m stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. She said, “We are the poor. Stop stealing my chocolate from the hidden stash.”
58. The Inception Totem: I carry a spinning top to see if I’m dreaming. My wife took it and said, “If you don’t do the dishes in five minutes, I’m going to make this reality very painful.”
59. The 3D TV Disappointment: We bought one. We have to wear glasses to watch the news. We look like two very confused secret agents.
60. The Final Word: She said, “2011 is going to be a fresh start.” I said, “As long as it doesn’t involve another ‘Sideways Flash’.”
61. The Final Result: I checked my Instagram. 0 likes. My wife said, “Maybe because it’s a picture of your own knee, Greg. No one wants to see that.”