67 Marriage Jokes: The 2013 “Selfie & Frozen” Edition

In 2013, marriage was about navigating the “Selfie” craze, trying to survive the emotional onslaught of Frozen, and the domestic tension caused by the transition to the “Flat Design” of iOS 7. It was the year of “Twerking” scandals, the birth of Vine (6-second comedy gold), and the realization that your husband’s “Candy Crush” addiction was officially out of control.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Let It Go & Level Up” Classics

The Frozen: I told my wife I’m done with our argument. She looked me in the eye and sang, “Let it go!” I told her the cold never bothered me anyway, but sleeping on the porch definitely does.
The Selfie: My wife bought a “Selfie Stick.” I told her it’s a monument to her vanity. She used it to take a photo of me napping with my mouth open and posted it on Facebook. I’ve retired from the debate.
The Candy Crush: I woke up at 3 AM to find my husband’s face glowing. I thought he was having a spiritual epiphany. No, he just needed me to “send him a life” so he could beat Level 142.
The Vine: My husband tried to make a 6-second comedy video of him doing a backflip. He spent 6 hours in the ER and 6 weeks in a cast. Most successful Vine ever.
The iOS 7: Apple changed the icons. My wife spent the whole day crying because her phone looks “too bright and flat.” I told her I wish our mortgage was that flat.
The Gravity: We watched the movie. My wife said, “Space is terrifying.” I told her, “Not as terrifying as the space between your ‘I’m fine’ and what I actually did wrong.”
The Twerking: I tried to “twerk” like Miley Cyrus to make my wife laugh. I put my back out and she called the priest to perform an exorcism.
The Netflix Binge: We discovered House of Cards. I told her I’m Frank Underwood. She told me I’m the guy who gets pushed in front of the train in the second season.
The Grand Theft Auto V: My husband has been “living” in Los Santos for three days. I told him he should try “Grand Theft Auto: The Grocery Store” and bring home some milk.
The Harlem Shake: Our entire family did the dance in the living room. The dog hid under the bed, and the neighbors called a welfare check. 2013 was a weird year.

The Full 2013 Archive (Extended List)

The Iron Man 3: I told her I have an army of suits. She showed me the closet and said, “You have an army of wrinkled khakis. Iron them.”
The Man of Steel: I told her I’m Superman. She said, “Then why is your ‘Kryptonite’ just a simple honey-do list?”
The Grumpy Cat: She told me I have “resting Grumpy Cat face.” I told her it’s just the face of a man who hasn’t seen the remote in two hours.
The Sharknado: We watched it. I told her we need a plan for a shark-filled tornado. She said, “We need a plan for your mid-life crisis first.”
The Lorde: “We’ll never be royals.” I told her the song is right. She said, “I know, so stop acting like a King and go clean the throne (the bathroom).”
The Wolf of Wall Street: I told her I’m a high-roller. She showed me my “allowance” of twenty dollars and told me to stay in my lane.
The Breaking Bad Finale: I told her, “I am the one who knocks!” She said, “If you knock one more time while I’m in the bath, you’re dead.”
The Miley Cyrus: She’s “Wrecking Ball” obsessed. I told her the only thing she wrecked was the budget at the craft store.
The Google Glass: My husband wants them. I told him he looks like a cyborg who works at a library.
The Despicable Me 2: I told her she’s my “Lucy.” She said, “Great, then go catch some bad guys, or at least the mouse in the pantry.”
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: I told her I’m Peeta. She said, “Because you’re soft and you spend all day in the bakery section?”
The 12 Years a Slave: We watched it and felt terrible. We celebrated our freedom by arguing about which pizza topping is “morally superior.”
The Instagram Video: They added video! Now I can watch my wife ignore me in 15-second loops.
The Blurred Lines: I told her I know she wants me. She said, “The only thing ‘blurred’ is your memory of who’s supposed to mow the lawn.”
The Great Gatsby: I told her I’m her Jay Gatsby. She said, “He died alone in a pool, Greg. Let’s just go to Applebee’s.”
The Xbox One: It has a Kinect that “sees” you. My wife is afraid it’s judging her. I told her it’s just the robot version of me.
The PlayStation 4: “Greatness Awaits.” My husband: “Greatness is me getting a PS4.” Me: “Greatness is you remembering our anniversary.”
The World War Z: I told her I’m a survivor. She said, “You wouldn’t survive a zombie apocalypse because you can’t even find the first-aid kit.”
The Pacific Rim: Giant robots vs. monsters. My husband: “This is the best movie ever.” Me: “It’s literally just heavy metal hitting things.”
The Daft Punk: “Get Lucky.” I told her we’re up all night to get lucky. She said, “I’m up all night because you’re snoring. Go to the couch.”
The Anchorman 2: “Stay classy!” I told her this after I spilled beer on my shirt. She didn’t think it was “classy.”
The What Does the Fox Say?: I sang the song. My wife stared at me in silence. I think she knows what the “Ex-Wife” says.
The Netflix Price Hike: I told her we should cancel. She said, “Over my dead body, I need my ‘Orange is the New Black’.”
The Cronut: She stood in line for an hour for a croissant-donut. I ate it in ten seconds. I am currently banned from all bakeries.
The We’re the Millers: I told her we’re a fake family. She said, “The ‘fake’ part is you pretending you’re going to fix the sink.”
The Rush Movie: I told her I’m a race car driver. She said, “You’re a ‘rush-to-the-bathroom’ driver after eating taco bell.”
The Macklemore: “Can’t Hold Us.” I told her the ceiling can’t hold us. She said, “No, but the HOA definitely can if you don’t paint the fence.”
The About Time: I told her I wish I could travel back in time. She said, “To when you were charming? Good luck finding that year.”
The Thor: The Dark World: I told her I’m fighting the darkness. She said, “Turn on the light and take out the trash then.”
The Choice: “Should we get the new iPhone or the Samsung?” “Which one has the better ‘Selfie’ camera?” “I’m leaving you.”
The Bruno Mars: “Treasure.” I told her she’s my treasure. She said, “Then treat me like gold and buy me a necklace.”
The Lone Ranger: We saw the movie. We were the only two people in the theater. It was the most romantic and boring date of our lives.
The Now You See Me: I told her I’m a magician. “Now you see me… now you don’t!” I tried to hide in the closet. She found me immediately because my shoes were sticking out.
The Captain Phillips: “I’m the captain now.” I said this while driving. My wife reached over, changed the radio station, and said, “No, you’re the chauffeur.”
The Prisoners: I told her I’m being held captive. She said, “It’s called ‘Marriage’, get used to it.”
The Gravity Logic: “Why didn’t she just let go?” My wife: “Because unlike you, she actually wants to get home to her family.”
The American Hustle: I told her I’m a con man. She said, “The only one being conned is me, thinking you’d actually do the yard work.”
The Identity Thief: I told her someone stole my identity. She said, “Good, tell them they can have your debt and your snoring problem too.”
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: I told her I’m looking for the Arkenstone. She said, “Is it in the laundry basket? Because that’s the only ‘mountain’ we have.”
The Justin Timberlake: “Mirrors.” I told her she’s my mirror. She said, “Then why are you making such a weird face at me?”
The 47 Ronin: I told her I’m a samurai. She said, “You’re a ‘Some-are-guy’—some are helpful, you are not.”
The Cloudy 2: I told her there’s a “Tacodile” in the kitchen. She said, “That’s just the taco you dropped on the floor. Pick it up.”
The Ender’s Game: I told her I’m a tactical genius. She said, “Then tactically find a way to make dinner without burning the house down.”
The Saving Mr. Banks: I told her I’m Walt Disney. She said, “You’re just a guy with a mouse problem in the garage.”
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: I told her I’m having an adventure in my head. She said, “Adventure your way to the grocery store, we’re out of eggs.”
The Dallas Buyers Club: I told her I’m an outlaw. She said, “You’re an ‘In-law’—you spend too much time with your mother.”
The Her Movie: I told her I’m falling in love with my computer. She said, “Good, maybe the computer will do your laundry too.”
The One Direction Logic: “Best Song Ever.” I told her it’s not the best song ever. She told me I’m “Old and Irrelevant.”
The Inside Llewyn Davis: I told her I’m a folk singer. She said, “You’re just a guy with a guitar and no talent. Put it away.”
The Blue Jasmine: I told her she’s being dramatic. She said, “I’m not being dramatic, I’m being ‘Cinematic’.”
The 2 Guns: I told her I’m an undercover agent. She said, “You’re ‘under-cover’ because you’re still in bed at 11 AM.”
The White House Down: I told her I’m Channing Tatum. She said, “You’re ‘Channing-Tatum-After-Eating-A-Box-Of-Donuts’.”
The World’s End: I told her I’m going on a pub crawl. She said, “The only ‘crawl’ you’re doing is to the kitchen for a glass of water at 2 AM.”
The Smurfs 2: I told her I’m feeling blue. She said, “That’s because you’re wearing the shirt I told you to throw away in 2008.”
The Hansel & Gretel: I told her we’re witch hunters. She said, “The only thing you’re hunting is the TV remote, and it’s under your leg.”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a work in progress.” I said, “And you’re the project manager who keeps changing the requirements.”
The Final Result: I took a selfie with the dirty dishes. #Blessed. My wife commented: #GetToWork.