62 Marriage Jokes: The 2022 “Wordle & Multiverse” Edition

In 2022, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of not spoiling the “Wordle” answer before breakfast, trying to figure out which version of your spouse exists in the Multiverse (the one who actually does the dishes?), and the collective obsession with the “BeReal” notification. It was the year of the “Slap Heard ‘Round the World,” the rise of “Quiet Quitting” at home, and the realization that your husband’s personality was now 40% “Top Gun” quotes and 60% complaining about the price of eggs.

The 2022 Top 10: The “Green Squares & Maverick” Classics

The Wordle: I told my wife the 5-letter word for our marriage today. She asked, “Is it ‘BLISS’?” I said, “No, it’s ‘TIRED’.” She haven’t sent me her results since.
The Top Gun: Maverick: My husband watched the movie and now he thinks he’s a fighter pilot. He tried to “buzz the tower” (the kitchen island) and knocked over a vase. I told him his ego is writing checks his body—and our insurance—can’t cash.
The BeReal: The notification went off while I was cleaning the toilet. My wife insisted on taking the photo. Now our entire social circle knows exactly what our Tuesday looks like. No filters, just sadness.
The Multiverse of Madness: I told my wife that in another universe, I’m probably a king who never has to take out the trash. She said, “In this universe, you’re a guy who is currently five minutes away from being a ‘Single Man’ if you don’t start the laundry.”
The Will Smith Slap: I made a joke about my wife’s mother’s cooking at the Oscars party. She didn’t slap me, but she gave me “The Look.” Honestly, I would have preferred the slap; it would have been over faster.
The Quiet Quitting: My husband told me he’s “quiet quitting” his chores. I told him I’m “quiet quitting” making him dinner. We both sat in the dark eating cold cereal in total silence.
The Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard: We spent six weeks watching a court case in Virginia. I told my wife I’m going to “object” every time she asks me a question. She “overruled” my life.
The Elvis: My husband is talking like Austin Butler now. He said, “Thank you very much” when I gave him a sandwich. I told him “The King” is about to be “The Evicted” if he doesn’t stop.
The Gas Prices: I told my wife we should go for a romantic drive. She looked at the gas station sign and said, “Let’s just sit in the car in the driveway and make ‘vroom vroom’ noises. It’s cheaper.”
The House of the Dragon: I told my wife I’m a Targaryen. She said, “Good, then go use your dragon fire to grill the chicken, because we’re out of propane.”

The Full 2022 Archive (Extended List)

The Stranger Things 4: “Running Up That Hill” is on repeat. I told her I’m making a deal with God. She said, “The deal should involve you getting those boxes out of the attic.”
The Avatar 2: It took 13 years. I told her our kitchen backsplash is on the same production schedule.
The Glass Onion: I told her I’m a billionaire genius. She said, “You’re a ‘Billionaire’ in debt and a ‘Genius’ at losing your phone.”
The Wednesday: My daughter is doing the dance. My wife is doing the stare. I’m just trying to survive the week.
The Everything Everywhere All at Once: I told her I’m doing everything, everywhere, all at once. She said, “Start with ‘The Floor, In the Hallway, Right Now’.”
The Black Panther: Wakanda Forever: I told her I’m the new protector. She said, “Protect the leftovers from the dog, T’Challa.”
The Harry Styles: She went to “Harry’s House.” I told her she lives in “Greg’s House” and it needs the vacuuming.
The Euphoria: She’s watching the show. I told her I don’t understand the glitter. She told me I don’t understand “art.”
The Batman: I told her I’m vengeance. She said, “You’re ‘Annoyance’—go fix the squeaky door.”
The Uncharted: I told her I’m Nathan Drake. She said, “You can’t even find a matching pair of socks in a drawer you’ve used for ten years.”
The Thor: Love and Thunder: I told her I’m in my “Thor” phase. She said, “The ‘Fat Thor’ phase from the last movie? Because that I believe.”
The Bullet Train: I told her our marriage is like a high-speed train. She said, “Yeah, full of assassins and heading for a crash.”
The Smile: We saw the horror movie. Now she smiles at me creepily when she wants me to do something. I’ve never been so productive out of pure fear.
The Dahmer: She’s watching true crime again. I told her I’m worried. She said, “Don’t worry, you’re not interesting enough to be a victim.”
The Don’t Worry Darling: I told her there’s a conspiracy in our neighborhood. She said, “The only conspiracy is why the trash cans haven’t been moved yet.”
The Lizzo: “About Damn Time.” I told her I’m coming out of my shell. She said, “It’s ‘About Damn Time’ you came out of the bathroom.”
The Bad Bunny: She’s listening to reggaeton. I told her I’m a “Bad Bunny.” She said, “You’re an ‘Old Rabbit’—go take your vitamins.”
The Jurassic World Dominion: I told her the dinosaurs are among us. She said, “I know, I’m married to one. You still use a paper map, Greg.”
The Nope: We watched the movie. Now every time I ask her a question, she just says “Nope.” It’s a very efficient argument-stopper.
The Choice: “Should we get a Tesla or an e-bike?” “We can’t afford either, the eggs are $8 a dozen.”
The White Lotus S2: We watched it. I told her we should go to Italy. She said, “Only if you promise not to end up floating in the ocean.”
The Better Call Saul Finale: It’s over. I told her I’m a changed man. She said, “Unless you’ve ‘changed’ into a man who does the laundry, I don’t care.”
The Elon Musk Twitter: I told her everything is changing. She said, “Change the cat litter first, let Elon handle the internet.”
The Adam Project: I told her I met my younger self. She said, “Did he apologize for the hair loss, or just the personality?”
The Minions: Rise of Gru: I told her I’m a supervillain. She said, “You’re a ‘Super-ignore-er’—you haven’t heard a word I said.”
The Pinocchio: There are two movies this year. I told her it’s like our marriage—two versions of the same story, and one of them is lying about the budget.
The Blonde: We watched the Marilyn movie. She said it was sad. I said the real sadness is that we’re out of snacks.
The Bones and All: I told her I love her “bones and all.” She said, “Then love my ‘bones’ enough to give me a back rub.”
The Barbarian: We watched the horror movie. Now I’m not allowed to go in the basement. Finally, an excuse to avoid the laundry!
The Hocus Pocus 2: She’s acting like a witch again. I told her she’s casting a spell on me. She said, “It’s called ‘Nagging’, Greg. It’s ancient magic.”
The Black Adam: I told her the hierarchy of power in this house is about to change. She showed me the mortgage and reminded me who the primary signer is. Hierarchy restored.
The Death on the Nile: I told her I’m a world-class detective. She told me to find the missing Tupperware lid. I’m still on the case.
The Scream 5: I asked her, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” She said, “The one where you actually finish a DIY project.”
The Turning Red: I told her I’m turning into a giant panda. She said, “You’re already big and hairy, just do the dishes.”
The Ambulance: I told her our life is a high-speed chase. She said, “Only when you’re ‘chasing’ the ice cream truck.”
The Northman: I told her I’m a Viking. She said, “Viking? You put on a sweater when the thermostat hits 69 degrees.”
The Firestarter: I told her I have pyrokinesis. She said, “Use it to light the grill then, we’re hungry.”
The Downton Abbey 2: I told her I’m an aristocrat. She told me to go “aristocratically” clean the dog mess.
The Men: We watched the horror movie. She said it’s a perfect metaphor for men. I’m too afraid to ask what she means.
The Lightyear: I told her I’m going to infinity and beyond. She said, “Go to the grocery store and back, that’s your limit.”
The Where the Crawdads Sing: She wants to live in a marsh. I told her we have mosquitoes in the backyard, it’s basically the same thing.
The Beast: I told her I’m fighting a lion. She said, “You’re fighting a losing battle with that IKEA shelf. Give up.”
The See How They Run: I told her I’m a sleuth. She told me to “sleuth” out where the smell in the garage is coming from.
The Halloween Ends: I told her the nightmare is over. She said, “Not until your mother leaves on Monday.”
The Enola Holmes 2: She thinks she’s a detective again. I told her she’s just nosy.
The Disenchanted: I told her the fairy tale is back. She said, “The only ‘disenchanted’ person here is me looking at the sink.”
The Bardo: I told her our life is a dream. She said, “Then wake up and do the chores.”
The Babylon: I told her I’m a star in the silent era. She said, “I wish you were ‘silent’ in every era.”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a mess.” I said, “I’m a ‘Multiverse of Potential’.”
The Final Result: I did a BeReal at 3 AM while eating shredded cheese over the sink. 0 likes. My wife commented: “I can see you from the bedroom. Stop.”
The Status: 2022. Still “Solving” the marriage Wordle. Today’s word: “DONE.”
The Last Word: “Yes, dear.” (Even Maverick has to land eventually).