58 Marriage Jokes: The 2004 “Facebook & Motorola” Edition

In 2004, marriage entered the era of social media distraction and the peak of the “cool” gadget. Couples were navigating the birth of Facebook (and trying to explain it to their parents), the obsession with the razor-thin Motorola RAZR, and the emotional trauma of the Friends series finale. It was the year of “Mean Girls” quotes, the “Wardrobe Malfunction,” and the realization that your husband’s ringtone was now a more important choice than your wedding song.

The 2004 Top 10: The “Razr Sharp & Socially Networked” Classics

The Facebook: My wife joined the “TheFacebook.” She spent three hours “poking” people. I told her if she wants to poke someone, I’m sitting right here on the couch.
The RAZR: My husband got the silver Motorola RAZR. He flips it open and closed so much he looks like a very uncoordinated butterfly.
The Friends Finale: My wife cried for two hours when Friends ended. I told her they’re not real people. She told me our marriage isn’t real if I don’t start acting more like Chandler.
The Mean Girls: I asked my wife if she wanted to go out on Wednesday. She said, “On Wednesdays, we wear pink.” I guess I’m wearing my only pink polo or I’m eating alone.
The iPod Mini: She got the pink one. I got the blue one. Now we spend our “quality time” staring at 1-inch screens trying to find the perfect playlist for a 5-minute drive.
The Napoleon Dynamite: My husband keeps telling me to “eat the food, Tina!” and doing that dance in the kitchen. I told him he’s a “frickin’ idiot.”
The Lost: We started watching the show. Now my husband has a theory about the smoke monster, the numbers, and why we’re actually dead. I told him the only thing dead is our social life.
The Google IPO: My husband is devastated he didn’t buy stock. I told him his “investment strategy” of buying Beanie Babies was always going to end this way.
The Shrek 2: I told my wife I’m her Prince Charming. She told me I’m more like the Donkey—loud, annoying, and obsessed with waffles.
The Bluetooth: He’s still wearing that blue blinking light in his ear at dinner. I told him he looks like he’s waiting for a call from the Starship Enterprise.

The Full 2004 Archive (Extended List)

The Anchorman: I told my wife I’m “kind of a big deal.” She told me I’m “kind of a guy who needs to go buy milk.”
The Desperate Housewives: My wife is taking notes. I told her if she starts a secret affair with the gardener, I’m not paying for the lawn service anymore.
The Usher: “Yeah!” is the only thing my husband says now. “Do you want chicken?” “Yeah!” “Are you listening?” “Yeah!”
The Passion of the Christ: We watched it. My wife said it was the most intense experience of her life. I told her she clearly forgot our wedding day.
The Notebook: I told my wife I’d write her a letter every day for a year. She said, “Just write down the grocery list and we’ll call it even.”
The Spider-Man 2: I told her I’m losing my powers. She said, “The power to stay awake through a movie? You lost that in 1999.”
The Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out. I haven’t seen my husband’s face in 48 hours. I only know he’s alive because I hear the “wa-sted” sound effect.
The Million Dollar Baby: I told my wife she’s my champion. She told me to stop calling her “mo cuishle” and go fix the dryer.
The Nintendo DS: Two screens? My husband says it’s for “multitasking.” I told him he can’t even “unitask” the dishes.
The Incredibles: I told her I’m Mr. Incredible. She showed me the laundry pile and asked where my “super strength” was.
The Ashlee Simpson: My husband tried to “jig” out of an argument. It worked, but only because I was too confused to stay mad.
The Dodgeball: I threw a wrench at him to see if he could “dodge a wrench.” He couldn’t. The ER nurse was not a fan of the movie.
The Gmail: You need an invitation to join. My wife is mad because she hasn’t been “invited” yet. I told her it’s just email, not a gala.
The Troy: She wants me to look like Brad Pitt. I told her I have the “Achilles heel,” but sadly not the “Achilles abs.”
The Entourage: My husband thinks his three unemployed friends are his “entourage.” I told them to “entourage” themselves out of my kitchen.
The Kill Bill Vol. 2: I told her I know the “Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.” She told me she knows the “Five Point Pointing at the Trash Can Technique.”
The White Chicks: He laughed at the “dance-off” for an hour. I’m starting to think his mental age is regressing.
The Catwoman: We saw it. It’s the first time we both agreed that a movie should be illegal.
The Maroon 5: “Songs About Jane.” My wife: “Why aren’t there any ‘Songs About Susan’?” Me: “Because ‘Susan’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘Pain’ as easily.”
The Apprentice: My wife keeps pointing at me and saying, “You’re fired!” every time I forget a chore.
The Green Day: American Idiot. I told her it’s an anthem for me. She said, “We know, honey. We know.”
The DVR: We can now record two shows at once. Our marriage is now a complex scheduling conflict between CSI and The Bachelor.
The Halo 2: The “Master Chief” is back. My wife says I’m the “Master Grief” because of how much I complain when I lose.
The Saw: She watched it and now she’s afraid of the bathroom. I’ve never seen her shower so fast.
The Hoobastank: “The Reason.” I told her she’s the reason I’m a better man. She said, “And you’re the reason I have a headache.”
The Jet: “Cold Hard Bitch.” I played it. She looked at me. I’m currently living in the garage.
The National Treasure: My husband thinks he can find a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. I told him he can’t even find the remote on the coffee table.
The Pussycat Dolls: “Don’t Cha.” I told her I wish my girlfriend was hot like her. She said, “I am your girlfriend, you moron.”
The Ray: I told her I’m like Ray Charles—I’m blind to her flaws. She said, “No, you’re just blind to the mess in the hallway.”
The Britney Wedding: She was married for 55 hours. I told my wife we’re overachievers for making it to 5 years.
The Garden State: She wants to be “original” and “quirky.” I told her she’s already quirky enough when she tries to parallel park.
The 50 First Dates: I told her I have short-term memory loss. She said, “Only when it’s your turn to pay the mortgage.”
The Ocean’s Twelve: I told her we need a bigger crew. She said we need a bigger vacuum.
The Metacritic: My husband won’t see a movie unless it has a green score. I told him he didn’t check my “score” before we got married and look where we are.
The Borat: “My wife!” He says it exactly like the character. Every. Single. Time.
The Motorola Logic: “Hello Moto.” I told her this when she walked in. She said, “Goodbye, Husband.”
The Kelly Clarkson: “Since U Been Gone.” I played this while she was on a business trip. She found the receipt for the pizza party.
The My Chemical Romance: She’s in her “emo” phase. I told her “I’m Not Okay.” She said, “I promise.”
The Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was 5 years ago. He’s still complaining about Jar Jar. Let it go, Dave.
The Choice: “What should we do tonight?” “Let’s browse the Netflix envelopes that came in the mail.”
The Pinkberry: She wants “frozen yogurt.” I told her it’s just cold sadness in a cup.
The Destiny’s Child: “Lose My Breath.” I told her she takes my breath away. She said, “That’s just the stairs, get some cardio.”
The Meet the Fockers: My wife says my parents are the Fockers. I told her she’s definitely a Byrnes.
The Skateboard: He bought a Tony Hawk board. He’s 35. He fell once and now we own a $200 decorative piece of wood.
The Sidekick: He has the T-Mobile Sidekick. He thinks he’s a celebrity. I told him he’s just a guy who texts his mom a lot.
The Team America: “America, F*** Yeah!” He sings it while doing the lawn. The neighbors think we’re extremists.
The Final word: She said, “You’re stuck with me.” I said, “I’m not stuck, I’m ‘invested’.”
The Final Result: She looked at the bank statement and said, “You’re fired.” I said, “I can’t be fired, I’m the co-owner.”