70 Marriage Jokes: The 2002 “Spider-Man & Smartphone” Edition

In 2002, marriage was about the first big-screen Spider-Man, the rise of the camera phone (taking photos that looked like oil paintings), and the debut of American Idol, which gave every wife a reason to judge her husband’s shower singing like Simon Cowell. It was the year of “The Ketchup Song,” low-rise jeans reaching their limit, and the beginning of the end for the family landline.

The 2002 Top 10: The “Web-Slinging & Wedding Rings” Classics

1. The Spider-Man: My husband tried to kiss me upside down like in the movie. He turned bright red, got a nosebleed, and nearly pulled down the shower curtain.
2. The American Idol: My wife told me my rendition of “Sweet Home Alabama” was “pitchy” and that I’m “not going to Hollywood.” I told her I’m just going to the garage.
3. The Camera Phone: My husband got the new Nokia with a built-in camera. He took a photo of the cat that’s so blurry it looks like a haunted potato. He’s very proud of it.
4. The My Big Fat Greek Wedding: We watched it. My wife spent the rest of the week trying to fix everything in the house with Windex.
5. The Kelly Clarkson: My wife thinks she’s a “Moment Like This” singer. I told her the “moment” usually ends when the neighbors start banging on the wall.
6. The Bourne Identity: I told my wife I have amnesia and don’t remember where the vacuum cleaner is. She said, “Nice try, Jason Bourne. It’s exactly where you left it—unused.”
7. The Two Towers: We spent another three hours in the theater. My husband asked if they’re ever going to stop walking. I told him it’s about the journey, not the destination.
8. The Eminem: I tried to rap “Lose Yourself” while doing the dishes. My wife told me I have “one shot, one opportunity” to stop before she leaves me.
9. The Signs: After the movie, my husband put aluminum foil on his head to block alien signals. I told him it’s actually blocking the signal to his brain.
10. The Bachelor: My wife is obsessed with the show. I told her if she wants to give me a rose, it better be followed by a steak and a beer.

The Full 2002 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Avril Lavigne: My wife started wearing neckties over t-shirts. I asked why she’s being so “complicated.”
12. The Scooby-Doo: We saw the movie. I told her I’m Shaggy. She said, “No, you’re just the guy who eats all the snacks and talks to the dog.”
13. The Blackberry: It has a “QWERTY” keyboard now. My husband is typing with his thumbs so fast I think he’s going to start a fire.
14. The Osbournes: I told my wife we’re just like Sharon and Ozzy. She said, “Except you’re not a rock star and I’m the only one who cleans up the dog mess.”
15. The Star Wars: Attack of the Clones came out. I told my wife I don’t like sand. She said, “Good, then you won’t mind staying home and cleaning the gutters.”
16. The Nelly: “It’s gettin’ hot in herre.” I told her to take off all her clothes. She told me to turn down the thermostat and go to bed.
17. The Ring: She watched the horror movie and now won’t answer the phone if it rings after 10 PM. I’ve never had so much peace.
18. The Minority Report: I told my wife I can predict her crimes before she commits them. She said, “Predict this: you’re making your own dinner.”
19. The Die Another Day: I told her I’m James Bond. She said I’m “Die Another Day” because that’s exactly how long I’ll live if I forget her birthday again.
20. The Christina Aguilera: She’s in her “Dirrty” phase. I told her the only thing “dirrty” in this house is the mountain of laundry in the corner.
21. The Harry Potter: The Chamber of Secrets is open. In our house, that’s the closet where she hides all the shopping bags.
22. The DVD Box Set: We bought all ten seasons of Friends. Our retirement plan is now just watching Rachel and Ross break up 47 times.
23. The Nickelback: “Never Again” is on the radio. My wife said that’s her motto for letting me pick the movie.
24. The Catch Me If You Can: I told her I’m a pilot. She said, “The only thing you’re flying is out of here if you don’t take out the trash.”
25. The J.Lo: She’s “Jenny from the Block.” I told her she’s “Susan from the Suburbs” and she needs to stop wearing that much bronzer.
26. The No Doubt: “Hella Good.” I told her my cooking is hella good. She said it’s “hella burnt.”
27. The 8 Mile: I wore a hoodie and looked moody. She told me to stop acting like B-Rabbit and go start the minivan.
28. The Blue Crush: She wants to learn to surf. I reminded her she gets dizzy in the bathtub.
29. The Justin Timberlake: He went solo. I told her I’m going solo to the bar. She told me to “Cry Me a River.”
30. The Sweet Home Alabama: She wants to move to the country. I told her the only “country” I like is the one with high-speed internet.
31. The Men in Black II: I used a TV remote to try and “Neuralyze” her after we argued. She didn’t forget. In fact, she remembered even harder.
32. The Ketchup Song: We tried to do the dance at a wedding. We looked like we were having a coordinated seizure.
33. The Panic Room: She watched the movie and now wants to turn the pantry into a reinforced bunker. I told her the only threat we have is the neighbor’s cat.
34. The About a Boy: I told her I’m an island. She said, “Good, then stay on your island and leave the remote alone.”
35. The Lilo & Stitch: I told her “Ohana means family.” She said, “Ohana means you do the dishes tonight.”
36. The Pink: “Just Like a Pill.” I told her she’s my medicine. She said I’m more like a side effect (headache).
37. The Spider-Man Power: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I told her this. She said, “Great. You have the power to mow the lawn and the responsibility to do it now.”
38. The Norah Jones: Her music is so soothing. My husband fell asleep during dinner while “Don’t Know Why” was playing.
39. The My Friends: I told her I’m hanging out with “the boys.” She asked if “the boys” are a 40-year-old man named Gary and his PlayStation.
40. The Ice Age: I told her I’m like a mammoth—majestic and rare. She said I’m just hairy and should have been extinct years ago.
41. The Choice: “What do you want for our 10th anniversary?” “Something with diamonds.” “How about a DVD of Diamonds Are Forever?”
42. The Training Day: My wife quoting Denzel: “You gotta decide if you’re a wolf or a sheep.” I’m definitely the sheep. I just want some grass and a nap.
43. The LCD Monitor: We got a flat screen for the PC. It’s so thin! My husband says he has “so much more desk space” for his empty soda cans.
44. The Dr. Phil: He has his own show now. My wife is taking notes. I’m in trouble.
45. The Coldplay: “The Scientist.” I told her let’s go back to the start. She said, “The start where you weren’t annoying? That was 1994.”
46. The Red Dragon: I told her I’m a “Great Red Dragon.” She told me I’m a “Great Red Husband” because I have a sunburn.
47. The PDA: He has a Palm Zire now. It’s “budget-friendly.” I told him his memory is also “budget-friendly” (it doesn’t hold much).
48. The Maid in Manhattan: She wants me to be like Ralph Fiennes. I told her I’m more like the guy who cleans the hotel windows.
49. The Las Ketchup: That song is stuck in my head. I’m humming it while I sleep. My wife is considering smothered-with-a-pillow.
50. The Broadband: We finally got cable internet. My husband is downloading “trailers” just to watch the progress bar move.
51. The XXX Movie: He thinks he’s Vin Diesel. I told him Vin Diesel doesn’t wear socks with sandals.
52. The Bend It Like Beckham: She wants to play soccer. I told her she can’t even “bend it” like a pretzel without pulling a muscle.
53. The Chicago: She’s singing “All That Jazz.” I told her the only “jazz” I hear is her complaining about the thermostat.
54. The Nokia Snake 2: We’re still competing. It’s the only time we’re in total silence together.
55. The 28 Days Later: I told her the house looks like a zombie movie. She told me that’s because I haven’t cleaned my “lab” (the basement).
56. The Transporter: I told her I’m a professional driver. She said, “Then transport yourself to the store and get some eggs.”
57. The Shakira: “Underneath Your Clothes.” I told her I’m looking for my favorite shirt. She told me to look in the hamper.
58. The Ghost Ship: We watched it. She’s now afraid of wires. I told her our house is 40% wires. She’s sleeping in the garden.
59. The One Tree Hill: She’s obsessed with the drama. I told her my life has enough drama just trying to find a matching pair of socks.
60. The Text Message: I sent her a “smiley face” made of punctuation :). She said, “Is that a code for you being an idiot?”
61. The My Big Fat Greek Logic: “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck.” My wife uses this to turn my “head” toward the chores.
62. The Bowling for Soup: “1985” is a hit. I told her we’re living in the past. She said, “No, you’re just wearing a shirt from 1985.”
63. The Lord of the Rings: She calls me “Gollum” when I try to hold the remote. “My Preciousssss.”
64. The Phone Camera: He took a picture of his own thumb. He’s been trying to “upload” it for two hours.
65. The Signs: We saw the crop circles. I told her I found one in the backyard. It was just where the inflatable pool killed the grass.
66. The Kelly Osbourne: My daughter is dressing like her. My husband is confused. I’m just trying to keep the hair dye out of the carpet.
67. The Bourne Logic: “I don’t know who I am.” “You’re the guy who didn’t do the dishes, Steve. Memory restored?”
68. The Star Trek: Nemesis came out. I told her I’m Data. She said, “True, you have no emotions when I tell you I’m tired.”
69. The Blue Steel: I did the face. She laughed so hard she spilled her wine. Best argument-ender ever.
70. The Final Word: She said, “You’re a piece of work.” I said, “And you’re the curator of the gallery.”