62 Marriage Jokes: The 2017 “Fidget Spinner & Bitcoin” Edition

In 2017, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of investing in “magic internet money,” trying to stay calm while your spouse constantly spun a plastic toy during serious conversations, and the domestic divide over whether to “Dilly Dilly” or not. It was the year of the Wonder Woman empowerment, the rise of the “Salt Bae” seasoning technique in the kitchen, and the realization that your husband’s “crypto-portfolio” was basically just a very expensive digital rollercoaster.

The 2017 Top 10: The “Crypto-Crazed & Distracted” Classics

The Bitcoin: My husband told me he bought something called “Bitcoin.” I asked what we can buy with it. He said, “Nothing yet, but one day we’ll be millionaires or we’ll be eating dirt.” I told him to go buy real bread with real money.
The Fidget Spinner: We were having a deep talk about our future. My husband pulled out a plastic spinner and started flicking it. I told him if that thing spins one more time, our marriage is going to take a “spin” right out the front door.
The Despacito: It’s been on the radio for five months. I told my wife I’m going to do things “Despacito.” She said, “Good, then ‘slowly’ take out the trash and ‘slowly’ stop singing that song.”
The Wonder Woman: My wife saw the movie and now she’s wearing a golden headband and “deflecting” my requests for dinner with her invisible shields. I told her I’m not an invading army; I’m just hungry.
The Salt Bae: My husband tried to sprinkle salt off his elbow onto the steaks. He got salt in the baby’s eye, on the dog, and all over the floor. I told him he’s not a Turkish chef; he’s just a guy who needs to clean the kitchen.
The Get Out: We watched the movie. Now, every time I go to her parents’ house, I start tapping my tea cup with a spoon just to see her reaction. She doesn’t find it funny; she finds it “grounds for a divorce.”
The Nintendo Switch: I bought the new console so we could “play together.” Now my wife is the “Mayor” of a virtual island and won’t let me onto the couch. I’ve been “switched” to the floor.
The iPhone X: It has “Face ID.” I tried to unlock my husband’s phone while he was sleeping by holding it over his face. It didn’t work because he was “ugly-sleeping” so hard the phone didn’t recognize him.
The Shape of You: Ed Sheeran is everywhere. I told my wife I’m in love with her shape. She said, “That’s good, because my ‘shape’ is currently 40% chocolate and 60% frustration with you.”
The IT Movie: My husband put a single red balloon in the bathroom. I didn’t scream; I just turned off the WiFi. He was out of that bathroom in three seconds. Pennywise has nothing on a wife’s revenge.

The Full 2017 Archive (Extended List)

The Handmaid’s Tale: My wife started wearing a red robe. I told her, “Blessed be the fruit.” She told me, “May the Lord open… the dishwasher and empty it, Greg.”
The Beauty and the Beast: I told her I’m the Beast. She said, “No, you’re just the guy who needs a haircut and a lesson in table manners.”
The Star Wars: The Last Jedi: My husband is arguing with strangers on the internet about Luke Skywalker. I told him he should argue with the weeds in the garden instead.
The Lady Bird: My daughter is being dramatic. My wife is being dramatic. I’m just the guy who pays for the “drama-mobile” (the car).
The Logan: I told her I’m like Wolverine—old and grumpy. She said, “You’re just old and grumpy. Where are the claws?”
The Coco: We both cried. I told her I’ll remember her. She said, “Remember to buy milk on your way home then.”
The Jumanji: We watched the remake. I told her I’m The Rock. She said, “You’re more like Kevin Hart’s backpack—full of junk and constantly being carried.”
The Justice League: I told her I’m building a team. She said, “Start with a team of one to mow the lawn.”
The Kendrick Lamar: “HUMBLE.” I told my wife to be humble. I am currently “humbled” in the guest room.
The Dunkirk: I told her I’m a war hero. She said, “You survived a 20-minute wait at the post office. Calm down.”
The Baby Driver: My husband thinks he’s a getaway driver now. He did a “stunt” park at the grocery store and hit a shopping cart.
The Greatest Showman: She’s singing “This Is Me” in the shower. I told her “This Is Annoying.”
The Blade Runner 2049: I told her I’m a replicant. She said, “Good, then I can replace you with a version that actually listens.”
The Choice: “Should we invest in Ethereum or Ripple?” “How about we invest in ‘Paying the Rent’?”
The Taylor Swift: “Look What You Made Me Do.” She sings this every time I forget an anniversary. I’m scared.
The Thor: Ragnarok: I told her I’m the God of Thunder. She said, “You’re the ‘God of Blunder’—look what you did to the laundry.”
The Camila Cabello: “Havana.” Half of her heart is in Havana. The other half is at the Zara clearance sale.
The Three Billboards: I put up three signs in the hallway: “DO,” “THE,” “DISHES.” She put up one in the bedroom: “NO.”
The Guardians 2: I told her I’m Star-Lord. She said, “You’re just a guy with a Walkman from 1984.”
The Post Movie: I told her I’m a journalist. She told me to go “report” on why the dog is barking.
The Kingsman 2: I told her I’m a British gentleman. She said, “A gentleman doesn’t eat pizza over the sink at midnight.”
The 13 Reasons Why: I told her I have 13 reasons why I shouldn’t have to clean the garage. She stopped me at reason one: “Because I’m lazy.”
The Mudbound: I told her I’m a farmer. She said, “You can’t even keep a cactus alive, Greg.”
The Fate of the Furious: I told her it’s all about family. She said, “Then spend some time with the ‘family’ instead of your car.”
The Logic Song: “1-800-273-8255.” I told her I’m feeling overwhelmed. She gave me the number for a maid service and told me to get a quote.
The Darkest Hour: I told her I’m Winston Churchill. She told me I’m just a guy who likes naps and cigars.
The Alien: Covenant: I told her an alien is growing inside me. She said, “That’s just the three burritos you ate. Go to bed.”
The Imagine Dragons: “Thunder.” I told her I’m the lightning before the thunder. She said, “You’re just the snoring before the complaints.”
The Murder on the Orient Express: I told her I’m a detective. She said, “Detect where you left your wedding ring then.” (It was in the soap dish).
The Power Rangers: I told her I’m the Red Ranger. She said, “You’re the ‘Bed Ranger’—you never leave it on weekends.”
The John Wick 2: I told her I’m back. She said, “Are you back from the store? Where’s the butter?”
The Atomic Blonde: I told her she’s a secret agent. She said, “My secret is that I’ve hidden the remote so you’ll talk to me.”
The Lego Batman: I told her I’m Batman. She said, “Batman doesn’t have a ‘sidekick’ named ‘The Couch’.”
The Ghost in the Shell: I told her I’m a cyborg. She said, “Your ‘shell’ is looking a bit soft, go to the gym.”
The Kong: Skull Island: I told her I’m a giant ape. She said, “I know, I’ve seen you eat wings.”
The Split: I told her I have 23 different personalities. She said, “And all of them are annoying. What a coincidence.”
The Fifty Shades Darker: She wanted to be “submissive.” I told her she can start by submitting to my choice of movie for once.
The Valerian: We saw the movie. We both fell asleep. It was the best $30 nap of our lives.
The Pitch Perfect 3: They’re still singing. I’m still suffering.
The Baywatch: I told her I’m a lifeguard. She said, “The only thing you’re saving is the seat next to you for your beer.”
The Mummy Remake: I told her I’m ancient and powerful. She said, “You’re just old and you need a nap.”
The Flatliners: I told her I’m exploring the afterlife. She said, “Explore the backyard and pick up the dog poop.”
The Snatched: I told her we should go to South America. She reminded me I got scared of a moth in the kitchen last night.
The Geostorm: I told her the weather is crazy. She said, “The only storm is the one I’m brewing because you didn’t call me.”
The Daddy’s Home 2: I told her I’m the cool dad. She said, “The cool dad doesn’t wear socks with sandals to the beach.”
The Wind River: I told her I’m a tracker. She told me to track down the missing tupperware lids.
The Emoji Movie: I told her I’m the “Poop Emoji.” She said, “Finally, an accurate self-description.”
The Bitcoin Dip: I told her we lost $2,000 today. She said, “I told you to buy a new sofa instead of ‘invisible coins’.”
The Fidget Spinner Logic: “It helps me focus.” “Focus on what? The fact that you’re not doing the dishes?”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a distraction.” I said, “I’m an ‘Engagement Strategy’.”
The Final Result: I tried to do the “Salt Bae” move with the pepper. It went into the pasta water. The pasta is now ruined.
The Status: 2017. Still haven’t made a million on Bitcoin, but I did spend $20 on a gold-plated fidget spinner.