60 Marriage Jokes: The 2021 “Vaccine & Crypto” Edition

In 2021, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of planning the first “post-lockdown” vacation, trying to understand why your husband spent your savings on a digital picture of a bored ape (NFTs), and the domestic debate over whether we still actually like our friends now that we have to see them in person. It was the year of the “Bernie’s Mittens” meme, the Squid Game obsession, and the realization that “hybrid work” just meant arguing about who gets the home office on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The 2021 Top 10: The “NFTs & New Normal” Classics

The NFT: My husband bought a digital drawing of a rock for $500. I asked him where I can hang it. He said, “It’s on the blockchain, honey.” I told him if the “blockchain” doesn’t start paying the mortgage, he’s going to be living in a “block-shed.”
The Bernie Sanders: I sat on the porch with my arms crossed wearing oversized mittens. My wife didn’t think I was “viral meme gold”; she just asked if I’d finally lost my mind or if I was waiting for the mailman to bring my dignity back.
The Squid Game: I told my wife we should play “Red Light, Green Light” to decide who does the chores. I moved on “Red Light” (the dishes) and she “eliminated” my PlayStation for a week.
The Vaccine Joy: We got our shots. I told my wife I’m ready to see the world. She said, “The world is fine, let’s start by seeing the inside of a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
The Dogecoin: My husband told me we’re going “To the Moon!” because of a coin with a dog on it. We didn’t hit the moon; we hit the “Checking Account Overdraft” limit.
The Ted Lasso: I tried to be “relentlessly positive” like Ted. My wife told me my “optimism” is starting to feel like a psychological thriller and to just tell her if I’m actually mad about the burnt toast.
The Zoom Fatigue: My wife’s company switched to “Hybrid Work.” Now she’s only 50% annoyed by her coworkers and 50% annoyed by me being in her “workspace” (the dining room).
The Friends Reunion: We watched it together. My wife cried. I told her they all look different. She said, “We all look different, Greg! It’s been seventeen years and a global pandemic!”
The Bridgerton: My wife is obsessed with “The Duke.” I tried to speak in a British accent and call her “Your Grace.” She told me I sound like a chimney sweep with a cold.
The Suez Canal: I told my wife I’m like that giant ship stuck in the canal—I’m blocking progress and I’m causing a global crisis. She said, “No, you’re just blocking the hallway. Move.”

The Full 2021 Archive (Extended List)

The Olivia Rodrigo: “Drivers License.” My wife is singing about her ex-boyfriend from 1998. I told her he probably doesn’t even have a car anymore.
The Dune: I told her, “Fear is the mind-killer.” She said, “No, your snoring is the ‘sleep-killer’. Get the strips.”
The Mare of Easttown: My wife started wearing flannel and trying to solve “crimes” in our neighborhood. She “arrested” me for stealing the last of the hidden chocolate.
The Crypto Crash: I told her the market is “correcting.” She said, “I’m ‘correcting’ your access to the joint account.”
The Spider-Man: No Way Home: I told her there are three versions of me. She said, “God help me, one was already too many.”
The Bennifer 2.0: Ben Affleck and J.Lo are back together. I told my wife everything old is new again. She asked if that applies to the vacuum cleaner I promised to fix in 2019.
The HBO Max: Dune, Matrix, Sopranos prequel… I told her we’re never leaving the house again. She said, “We never left in 2020, what’s the difference?”
The Lil Nas X: “Montero.” I told her I’m sliding down to hell on a pole. She said, “Slide down to the basement and bring up the Christmas lights.”
The Wordle: It started late in the year. I told her I found the 5-letter word for our marriage. She said, “Is it ‘TIRED’?”
The Fast 9: I told her it’s about family. She said, “If Vin Diesel had to deal with your family, he’d drive that car right off a cliff.”
The Black Widow: I told her she’s a Russian spy. She said, “My secret mission is to find out why you still haven’t mown the lawn.”
The Cruella: She wants to be a fashion villain. I told her her “Dalmatian” coat is just a bath towel with Sharpie spots.
The Space Jam 2: I told her I’m LeBron. She said, “You’re more like the cartoon pig—loud and constantly eating.”
The White Lotus: We watched it. I told her we should go to Hawaii. She said, “Only if you promise not to act like the hotel manager.”
The Free Guy: I told her I’m an NPC in her world. She said, “Then go stand in the corner and stay there until I finish my meeting.”
The No Time to Die: Daniel Craig’s last Bond. I told her I’m retired. She said, “You’ve been ‘retired’ from doing the dishes for ten years.”
The Shang-Chi: I told her I have the ten rings. She said, “You have one ring, and it’s the one you leave on the coffee table every night. Put it on.”
The Ghostbusters: Afterlife: I told her I’m catching ghosts. She said, “Catch the dust bunnies under the bed first.”
The Matrix Resurrections: I told her I’m Neo. She said, “Take the red pill and wake up to the fact that it’s your turn to cook.”
The Choice: “Should we get the Peloton or a real bike?” “The world is open now!” “So… neither?” “Neither.”
The Adele 30: “Easy on Me.” I told her to go easy on me. She said, “I’ll go easy on you when you go easy on the snacks.”
The House of Gucci: My wife is talking like Lady Gaga. I told her she’s not Italian. She said, “Father, Son, and House of Shopping.”
The Don’t Look Up: I told her a comet is coming. She said, “If it hits the house, at least I won’t have to clean the guest room.”
The King Richard: I told her I’m a world-class coach. She said, “Coach the kids to put their toys away then.”
The West Side Story: I told her I’m a Jet. She said, “You’re a ‘Set’—set in your ways and impossible to move.”
The Encanto: “We don’t talk about Bruno.” I told her we don’t talk about my credit card debt. She sang the whole song back to me with updated lyrics.
The Metaverse: Mark Zuckerberg told me I can live in a virtual world. I told my wife. She said, “Good, go live there and let the virtual wife deal with your snoring.”
The Peloton Hack: I told her the bike is judging me. She said, “No, that’s just the reflection of me in the screen.”
The Bad Habit: Ed Sheeran is singing about bad habits. I told my wife I have none. She laughed for three minutes straight.
The Silk Sonic: “Leave the Door Open.” I sang it. She said, “Close the door, you’re letting the AC out.”
The Loki: I told her I’m the God of Mischief. She said, “You’re the ‘God of Misplacing Everything’.”
The WandaVision: I told her I’ve created a sitcom reality in our house. She said, “Then where’s the laugh track? Because nothing you say is funny.”
The Succession: My husband thinks he’s Logan Roy. I told him he’s more like Cousin Greg—awkward and just happy to be here.
The Yellowjackets: I told her I could survive in the wilderness. She reminded me I got a panic attack when the GPS lost signal in a tunnel.
The Sex and the City: AJLT: We watched it. She’s mad about Big. I’m mad that I’m still watching this show in 2021.
The Jungle Cruise: I told her I’m a skipper. She said, “Skip the jokes and go to bed.”
The Mortal Kombat: I told her “Get over here!” She said, “I’m ‘Over here’—at the sink. Come help.”
The Godzilla vs. Kong: I asked her who would win. She said, “The divorce lawyer, if you don’t stop talking about giant monkeys.”
The Spiral: I told her I’m in a Saw movie. She said, “The ‘trap’ is the laundry room. Go play a game.”
The In the Heights: I told her I have a dream. She said, “Is it the dream where you fix the leaking faucet?”
The Old Movie: We watched the M. Night Shyamalan movie. I told her I’m aging fast. She said, “That’s just 2021, Greg. It’s been a long year.”
The Candyman: I said his name five times in the mirror. My wife appeared behind me and said, “While you’re looking in the mirror, notice that you need to shave.”
The Last Night in Soho: She wants to live in the 60s. I told her I’m already living in the past because I still use a wallet instead of Apple Pay.
The Eternals: I told her I’ve been here for thousands of years. She said, “It certainly feels that way when you’re telling a story.”
The Belfast: I told her I’m a boy from Ireland. She said, “You’re a man from New Jersey. Sit down.”
The Licorice Pizza: I told her our romance is unconventional. She said, “It’s ‘unconventional’ to forget a birthday two years in a row.”
The Being the Ricardos: I told her I’m Desi. She said, “You’re ‘Dizzy’—go sit down before you fall over.”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a classic.” I said, “Like a vintage car?” She said, “No, like a silent movie—better when you’re not talking.”
The Final Result: I bought one Dogecoin. It went down 90%. My wife bought a bottle of wine. It was gone in an hour. Her investment had a better ROI.
The Status: 2021. Still together. Still trying to figure out how to “un-mute” our social life.