60 Marriage Jokes: The 1999 “Y2K & Party Like It’s…” Edition

In 1999, marriage was a mix of pre-millennial tension and tech-driven absurdity. Couples spent their evenings stockpiling bottled water for the Y2K collapse, wondering if the “Dancing Baby” GIF was a sign of the apocalypse, and arguing over whether the new “Matrix” movie was a documentary or just a reason for husbands to buy long leather coats.

The 1999 Top 10: The “Millennium Bug & Matrimony” Classics

1. The Y2K Panic: My husband is stockpiling canned beans and batteries. I told him if the world ends at midnight, the last thing I want to do is spend eternity in a bunker smelling his bean-fueled echoes.
2. The Matrix: After seeing the movie, my husband spent twenty minutes trying to dodge a fly in slow motion. I hit him with a rolled-up magazine. He didn’t dodge that.
3. The Napster: Our phone line is permanently busy because he’s “sharing” a Metallica song that will take six hours to download. I just want to call my mother.
4. The George Foreman: 1999 is the year my husband decided that every single food group—including bread—needs to have grill marks on it.
5. The Blair Witch: We went for a hike. I stood in the corner of the tent and stared at the wall. My wife hasn’t spoken to me since.
6. The Red Pill: I asked my wife if she’d take the blue pill or the red pill. She said, “I’d take the ‘Husband-Stays-Quiet’ pill, if they made one.”
7. The Star Wars: My husband waited in line for six weeks to see The Phantom Menace. He came home crying. I’m not sure if it was because of the movie or the Jar Jar Binks toy I bought him.
8. The eBay: My wife sold our “antique” toaster for fifty dollars. Then she spent sixty dollars on shipping. I’m starting to think this “internet auction” thing is a scam.
9. The Bluetooth: My husband has a glowing blue thing in his ear. He looks like a cyborg, but he still can’t hear me when I ask him to take out the trash.
10. The Party: We tried to “Party Like It’s 1999” on New Year’s Eve. We were both asleep by 10:30 PM with a bowl of chips between us.

The Full 1999 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Google: I searched “How to win an argument with my wife.” Google replied: “Error: Result Not Found.”
12. The Britney: My wife is trying to learn the choreography from “Baby One More Time.” I’m standing by with the ice packs and the phone number for the chiropractor.
13. The Flat Screen: We saw a flat-screen TV at the mall. It’s thinner than our marriage license and costs more than our first car.
14. The Sixth Sense: I told my wife, “I see dead people.” She said, “I see a living person who hasn’t mowed the lawn in two weeks.”
15. The Dreamcast: My husband says the graphics are “photorealistic.” I told him if he spent that much time looking at a real photo of me, he’d notice I got a haircut.
16. The Fight Club: The first rule of Marriage Club is: You do not talk about what you spent at the mall.
17. The Furby Evolution: The new ones are even creepier. I’m convinced they’re the ones who actually started the Y2K bug.
18. The Office Space: My husband started calling his boss “Lumbergh.” He thinks it’s a power move. He’ll be unemployed by Friday.
19. The Blackberry: He’s constantly clicking on that little plastic egg. I told him if he checks his work email during dinner one more time, I’m putting it in the George Foreman Grill.
20. The American Pie: We went to the movies. Now he can’t look at a dessert without laughing. I’ve banned baked goods from the house.
21. The Victoria’s Secret: The fashion show was on TV. My husband said he was watching it for the “marketing strategy.”
22. The Destiny’s Child: My wife keeps singing “Say My Name.” I said her name. She said, “Not like that! With attitude!”
23. The TiVo: We can pause live TV! My wife paused me in the middle of a sentence to go check the laundry. Technology has betrayed me.
24. The Pokémon Gold: My husband is playing it on his Game Boy. He’s 30. I’m married to a man who is currently worried about a “Snorlax.”
25. The Ricky Martin: She’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.” My “Vida Loca” consists of deciding between 1% or 2% milk.
26. The Digital Camera: We have 2 megapixels now! I can finally see the individual crumbs on the floor in the photos he takes.
27. The Sopranos: We started watching. Now my husband talks like a mob boss when he’s asking for the TV remote. “Give me the clicker, or you’re sleeping with the fishes.”
28. The Harry Potter: She’s on the third book. She told me I’m “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Nagged.” I don’t think that’s how the book goes.
29. The Wireless: We got a cordless phone with a range of 100 feet. Now my wife can yell at me from the backyard while I’m in the basement.
30. The Eyes Wide Shut: We watched it. We didn’t understand it. We spent the rest of the night arguing about whose turn it was to walk the dog.
31. The Mambo No. 5: “A little bit of Monica in my life…” My wife: “Who is Monica, and why is she in your song?”
32. The Austin Powers: I told her I’m a “Man of Mystery.” She said the only mystery is how I manage to lose my keys every single morning.
33. The DSL: We got high-speed internet. Now we can get frustrated by the computer ten times faster than before.
34. The Jar Jar: My husband thinks Jar Jar Binks is “misunderstood.” I’m considering a trial separation.
35. The Cher Effect: She’s still singing “Believe.” I still don’t believe we’re ever going to listen to anything else.
36. The Millionaire: We watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used my “Phone a Friend” to call my wife and ask where she hid the snacks.
37. The Talented Mr. Ripley: I told my wife I could be anyone she wants. She said, “Fine, be the guy who fixes the leaky faucet.”
38. The iMac Colors: She wanted the “Grape” one. I wanted the “Bondi Blue.” We compromised and got the Grape one.
39. The Notting Hill: “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy…” My wife used this line to ask me to move the sofa. It worked.
40. The DVD Collection: We have ten DVDs now. We store them like they’re priceless artifacts.
41. The Fight: We didn’t have a “Y2K” bug, but we definitely had a “Who-Forgot-To-Pay-The-Electric-Bill” bug.
42. The Cruel Intentions: She told me I’m manipulative. I told her I’m just “strategically charming.”
43. The S Club 7: There ain’t no party like an S Club party. My wife said there ain’t no party like a “Getting-Eight-Hours-Of-Sleep” party.
44. The Runaway Bride: My wife said she relates to Julia Roberts. I reminded her we’ve been married for five years. She said, “It’s a metaphor, Greg.”
45. The Budget: We sat down to plan our finances for the new millennium. We spent the whole time arguing about the “miscellaneous” category (my tools).
46. The West Wing: My husband thinks he’s a political genius now. He’s currently drafting a “White House Memo” to the kids about cleaning their rooms.
47. The Shania: “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” She sings it every Saturday morning while vacuuming. I stay in the garage.
48. The Big Daddy: We watched the Adam Sandler movie. My husband tried to let our kid pee on the side of a building. I vetoed that “parenting style.”
49. The Palm V: It’s even thinner. He can now ignore me with even more portability.
50. The Family Guy: I told my wife the dog talks. She told me I’ve been staring at the screen too long.
51. The Cargo Pants Peak: They have pockets inside the pockets now. He lost his wallet for three days inside his own trousers.
52. The Smile: I asked her why she was smiling at her computer. She said, “Someone on the message board agreed with me.” I haven’t agreed with her in weeks.
53. The Deep Blue Sea: My wife is now afraid of super-intelligent sharks. I told her she should be more worried about our super-intelligent toddler.
54. The Toy Story 2: We cried at a movie about a cowgirl doll. This is what our 30s look like.
55. The Starbucks Latte: She’s “venti” annoyed that I didn’t get her the right kind of milk.
56. The Millennium Dome: I said we should go to London for the new year. She showed me our bank account and said we’re going to the backyard for the new year.
57. The Message: We got a “text message” on our phone. Two lines of text. We spent an hour trying to figure out how to reply.
58. The Final Countdown: At 11:59 PM on Dec 31, my husband turned off the main circuit breaker just to see me scream.
59. The Choice: “What’s our goal for the year 2000?” “To survive your mother’s New Year’s Day brunch.”
60. The Final Word: The clock struck midnight. Nothing exploded. My wife looked at me and said, “Great, now you can go back to being a normal idiot instead of a survivalist idiot.”