62 Marriage Jokes: The 2005 “YouTube & Blackberry” Edition

In 2005, marriage was about the dawn of the “viral video,” the peak of the Blackberry “Crackberry” addiction, and the collective confusion over Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. Couples were navigating the first days of YouTube, trying to look cool in UGG boots, and realizing that if you didn’t have a “Top 8” on MySpace, did your social life even exist? It was the year of the “Office” US debut, the end of the Star Wars prequels, and the rise of the “Smart” phone that still had a full plastic keyboard.

The 2005 Top 10: The “Viral & Vocal” Classics

1. The YouTube: My husband found a website where people upload videos of their cats. He told me it’s the future of entertainment. I told him I’ve been watching our cat do nothing for five years for free.
2. The Crackberry: My husband is constantly typing on his Blackberry trackball. I told him if he “scrolls” past me one more time at dinner, I’m going to scroll his phone into the garbage disposal.
3. The Tom Cruise: I jumped on the sofa to show my wife how much I love her. She didn’t call it “romantic”; she called the upholstery cleaner and told me to get professional help.
4. The Wedding Crashers: My husband thinks we should start showing up at random weddings for the free crab cakes. I told him we can barely handle the weddings we’re actually invited to.
5. The Office: We started watching the US version. My husband thinks he’s Jim and I’m Pam. I told him he’s definitely Dwight, and I’m the stapler in the Jello.
6. The Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith came out. I told my wife, “You’re breaking my heart!” She told me to stop acting like Anakin and go finish the laundry.
7. The UGGs: My wife bought giant sheepskin boots. She says they’re “fashionable.” I told her it looks like she’s wearing two very stylish mufflers on her feet.
8. The iPod Nano: It’s so thin! My husband lost his in the couch cushions for three days. He said his life was “on pause.”
9. The Brokeback Mountain: I told my wife I’m going fishing with the guys. She looked at me and said, “I wish I knew how to quit you… and your excuses for not mowing the lawn.”
10. The MySpace: My wife moved me to number four on her Top 8 because I forgot to take out the trash. I’m currently behind her sister, her best friend, and a local indie band.

The Full 2005 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Batman Begins: I told my wife, “I’m Batman.” She said, “No, you’re ‘The Dad’ and you’re late for the school play.”
12. The 40-Year-Old Virgin: My husband laughed so hard he cried. I told him the “waxing scene” is exactly how I feel when he asks me to help him fix the car.
13. The Sudoku: My wife is obsessed with these number puzzles. I told her if she put that much effort into our budget, we’d be millionaires.
14. The Grey’s Anatomy: She’s “McDreamy” obsessed. I told her I’m “McTired” and I’m going to sleep.
15. The Xbox 360: The “Red Ring of Death” appeared. My husband mourned for two days. I told him it’s just a console. He told me I “don’t understand loss.”
16. The Kanye: “Gold Digger” is the number one song. I told my wife it reminds me of her. She reminded me that we share a bank account and it’s currently empty.
17. The Chronicles of Narnia: I told my wife I found a magical land in the back of the closet. She said, “Is it the land of ‘Missing Socks’? Because I need those back.”
18. The Mr. & Mrs. Smith: We watched it. She asked if I have any secret identities. I told her I’m a secret agent whose mission is to find the TV remote.
19. The King Kong: Three hours of a giant gorilla. My wife said, “Finally, a movie about your morning routine.”
20. The Coldplay: X&Y. She says the music is deep. I told her it’s just a guy singing in a high voice while playing the piano.
21. The March of the Penguins: We watched it. She said the penguins are so dedicated. I told her I’d walk across Antarctica for her, but only if there was a heated tent at the end.
22. The Guitar Hero: My husband is “shredding” on a plastic toy. I told him he looks like a rock star. He believed me. He shouldn’t have.
23. The Million Dollar Baby: She’s still crying about the ending. It’s been six months.
24. The Mariah Carey: “We Belong Together.” I told her this at the grocery store. She said, “We belong in the checkout line, keep moving.”
25. The Hitch: I told her I’m a “Date Doctor.” She told me I’m more like a “Date Intern” who still needs a lot of training.
26. The Wedding Date: She wants me to be more like Dermot Mulroney. I told her I’m more like the guy in the background eating the shrimp cocktail.
27. The King of Queens: My husband thinks he’s Doug Heffernan. I told him I’m definitely Carrie, but without the cool job in the city.
28. The War of the Worlds: Tom Cruise vs. Aliens. My wife said the aliens would leave our house immediately because of the clutter.
29. The Green Day: “Wake Me Up When September Ends.” I told my wife this on September 1st. She woke me up on September 2nd with a vacuum cleaner.
30. The Sin City: Everything is black and white and gritty. Like my husband’s mood when I tell him we’re going to her mother’s.
31. The Kelly Clarkson: “Since U Been Gone.” She sings it at the top of her lungs. I asked, “Who’s gone?” She said, “My patience.”
32. The Walk the Line: I told her I “walk the line” for her. She told me the only line I walk is the one to the fridge.
33. The Fantastic Four: I told her I’m the Human Torch. She told me I’m the Thing—mostly just heavy and takes up space.
34. The Fall Out Boy: “Sugar, We’re Goin Down.” I told her our bank account is goin’ down. She said, “Swing, swing!”
35. The Hostels: She watched the horror movie and now won’t stay in anything less than a Marriott. My “budget travel” dreams are over.
36. The Gwen Stefani: “Hollaback Girl.” I asked her what a “Hollaback Girl” is. She said, “It’s someone who doesn’t take your crap, Steve.”
37. The Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire movie. My husband is upset they cut the Quidditch World Cup. I’m upset I spent $12 on popcorn.
38. The Napoleon Dynamite Logic: “Vote for Pedro.” I wore the shirt. She said, “Vote for a husband who remembers to pick up the dry cleaning.”
39. The Munich: We watched the Spielberg movie. It was intense. We celebrated by having a very intense argument about the dishwasher.
40. The James Blunt: “You’re Beautiful.” He sings it to a stranger on the subway. If I did that, my wife would have me arrested.
41. The Bluetooth Earpiece: It’s getting smaller. He’s wearing it at the dinner table. I told him he looks like he’s managing a very small, very annoying airport.
42. The Madagascar: “I like to move it, move it.” My husband says this every time he helps me rearrange the furniture.
43. The MySpace Profile: I changed my background to “Flaming Skulls.” My wife told me I’m 38 and to change it to “something reasonable.”
44. The Saw II: Why are we watching people in traps? Our marriage is already a trap… a trap of love! (She didn’t buy it).
45. The Pussycat Dolls: “Stickwitu.” I told her I’m gonna stick with her. She said, “As long as you stick to the chore list.”
46. The Digital SLR: He bought a camera that weighs five pounds. He’s a “professional” now. He took 400 photos of a leaf.
47. The Crash: We saw the Best Picture winner. We spent the drive home debating if it was actually better than Brokeback Mountain. (It wasn’t).
48. The Nickelback: “Photograph.” I told her to look at this photograph. She said, “It’s a picture of your thumb, Dave. You’re a terrible photographer.”
49. The Colbert Report: My husband is “truthiness” obsessed. I told him the “truthiness” is that he’s supposed to be on a diet.
50. The Poker Boom: He’s playing “Texas Hold ‘Em” online. He lost fifty dollars. I told him he’s “All In” on the guest room tonight.
51. The Grey’s Anatomy Logic: “You’re my person.” I told her this. She said, “Great, then ‘my person’ needs to go clean the cat litter.”
52. The Wikipedia: It’s getting bigger. I told her I’m going to write an article about our marriage. She said, “It’ll be deleted for being a ‘fiction’ piece.”
53. The Motorola Pink RAZR: She finally got it. She’s “Razr” sharp. I’m still using a Nokia that looks like a brick.
54. The Flightplan: Jodie Foster loses her kid on a plane. My wife loses her phone in her own purse every five minutes.
55. The Panic! At The Disco: “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” I told her our wedding was a tragedy. She said, “Wait ’til you see the divorce.”
56. The GPS Voice: We got a TomTom. The lady’s voice is so calm. My wife said, “Why can’t you listen to me like you listen to ‘Sheila’?”
57. The Dukes of Hazzard: He saw the movie. Now he tries to slide across the hood of the Camry. He dented it.
58. The Fun with Dick and Jane: I told her we’re like Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni. She said, “Without the money or the robbery skills.”
59. The Choice: “Where do you want to go?” “Let’s look at the TripAdvisor reviews.” “It’s 2005, Greg, let’s just go to the place with the neon sign.”
60. The Boondocks: My husband thinks he’s Huey. I told him he’s definitely Uncle Ruckus on a bad day.
61. The Podcasting: He’s started a “show” in the garage. He has three listeners. One of them is me, and I’m only listening to make sure he doesn’t mention our mortgage.
62. The Final Word: She said, “You’re stuck in 2004.” I said, “No, I’m ‘vintage 2005’—the year of the viral husband.”