65 Marriage Jokes: The 1997 “Titanic & Tamagotchi” Edition

In 1997, marriage was about surviving the three-hour emotional marathon of Titanic, trying to keep a digital pet alive for more than a day, and the slow realization that the “World Wide Web” was about to change everything. It was the year of chunky highlights, the Spice Girls, and the birth of the “smart” handheld—which usually just meant a more expensive way to lose your contact list.

The 1997 Top 10: The “Britpop & Bandwidth” Classics

1. The Heart: My wife saw Titanic for the third time. She says our romance is like the movie, but I’m pretty sure I’m the iceberg in this scenario.
2. The Digital Pet: We got a Tamagotchi to “practice” for a baby. It died before we even finished dinner. We’ve decided to stick to houseplants.
3. The Browser: My husband installed Internet Explorer 4.0. He thinks he’s NASA now, but he still can’t find where he left the laundry basket.
4. The Door: We had a 20-minute argument about whether there was room for Jack on that wooden door. I said “Yes,” she said “It’s about the metaphor,” and now I’m sleeping on the couch.
5. The Spice: My wife bought the Spice Girls album. She asked which one she is. I said “Scary,” and that was the end of our conversation for the night.
6. The Cluelessness: I asked her what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, “Surprise me.” I bought her a George Foreman Grill. The surprise was how fast she could throw a spatula.
7. The DVD: We bought a DVD player. We own exactly one movie. We’ve watched the menu loop for two hours because “the quality is just so crisp.”
8. The Fashion: My wife bought a pair of platform sneakers. Now she’s four inches taller than me and looks like she’s ready to join a girl group.
9. The Harry Potter: She started reading a book about a boy wizard. She told me to be more “magical.” I made a beer disappear; she was not impressed.
10. The Deep Blue: My husband is upset because a computer beat a human at chess. I told him a computer could probably beat him at folding a fitted sheet, too.

The Full 1997 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Buffet: We went to an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. My wife said we need to “carb-load” for our walk to the car.
12. The Cell Phone: I got a Nokia 9000. It’s the size of a brick, but I can send a text message in only forty-five minutes.
13. The Men in Black: I put on my sunglasses and told my wife I was an intergalactic protector. She told me to protect the kitchen from the overflowing trash can.
14. The Sugar Ray: “Every Morning” is playing on the radio again. My wife says it’s our song. I told her I don’t remember any halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend’s four-post bed.
15. The Mars Rover: NASA landed a rover on Mars. My wife wants to know why they can find life on a red planet but I can’t find the butter in the fridge.
16. The Teletubby: My husband bought a Tinky Winky doll “ironically.” Now it’s staring at me from the nightstand and I’m terrified.
17. The Video Store: We spent forty dollars in late fees at Blockbuster. For that price, we could have just bought the store.
18. The Screener: The answering machine is our gatekeeper. We sit in silence in the dark listening to her mother leave a three-minute message about her cat.
19. The Versace: My wife is reading about Italian fashion. I told her my flannel shirt is “Seattle Chic.” She called it “Lumberjack Sadness.”
20. The Garth Brooks: We went to a country concert. I wore a cowboy hat. She told me I look less like a cowboy and more like a guy who got lost at a hardware store.
21. The Rotato: My husband is obsessed with the “Rotato.” He spent an hour peeling one potato with a crank-handle machine.
22. The Austin Powers: I told my wife she was “shagadelic.” She told me to go “shag” the lawn.
23. The Buffet: We went to Old Country Buffet. It’s the only place where our marriage is held together by unlimited mac and cheese.
24. The Beanie Baby: She found a “rare” Princess Diana bear. It’s currently locked in a plastic case like it’s the Crown Jewels.
25. The Handheld: My husband got a PalmPilot. He spent three hours “syncing” his schedule. He has no appointments.
26. The South Park: I tried to explain why a talking piece of poop is funny. My wife just stared at me until I apologized.
27. The Hair: She spent four hours at the salon getting “chunky highlights.” She looks like a very stylish tiger.
28. The New Look: She said, “Honey, do you notice anything different?” I guessed: “New shoes? Hair? The curtains?” It was a new doorknob.
29. The Verve: She keeps singing “Bittersweet Symphony.” I told her the only thing bittersweet is the fact that we’re out of coffee.
30. The Chumbawamba: I fell down. She asked if I was okay. I told her, “I get knocked down, but I get up again.” She didn’t laugh.
31. The Subtitles: We tried to watch a foreign film. After ten minutes, we gave up and watched The Lost World: Jurassic Park for the dinosaurs.
32. The Exercise: She bought an Ab Roller. It’s currently being used as a very expensive doorstop.
33. The Shania Twain: My wife keeps saying, “That don’t impress me much.” I think she’s talking about my ability to name every character in Star Wars.
34. The AOL Chat: I caught my wife in a chat room. She was talking to “CatLover66” about quilt patterns. The scandal!
35. The Starbucks: We now have a “regular” order. It costs as much as a gallon of gas and has more whip than a bakery.
36. The Cigars: My husband thinks he’s a mogul because he started smoking cigars once a month with the neighbors. He mostly just coughs.
37. The Cargo Shorts: I bought a pair with twenty pockets. She asked if I was planning to smuggle a small family across the border.
38. The Home Office: We bought a “computer desk” that takes up half the living room. It’s mostly used for storing junk mail.
39. The Logic: I asked her what was wrong. She said “I’m fine” in a tone that suggested I should start looking for a lawyer.
40. The Discovery Channel: My husband spent the whole weekend watching a documentary on sharks. Now he’s afraid to go in the bathtub.
41. The Lunch: She packed me a “healthy” lunch. It was a rice cake and a dream.
42. The Batman & Robin: We saw it in theaters. It’s the first time we both agreed on something: that movie was terrible.
43. The Wedding Guest: We went to her cousin’s wedding. I spent the whole time at the bar watching the Braves game on a 10-inch TV.
44. The Screen Saver: We spent ten minutes watching the 3D Pipes screen saver. It was the most exciting part of our Tuesday.
45. The Notting Hill: She wants me to be more romantic. I told her I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her where she put my car keys.
46. The Backup: I bought a Zip Drive. 100MB of storage! I told her we’ll never need another disk as long as we live.
47. The Ally McBeal: My wife is obsessed with the dancing baby. I find it creepy. Our marriage is currently divided by a CGI infant.
48. The Third Eye Blind: I started singing “Semi-Charmed Life.” She reminded me that I don’t know any of the lyrics besides “doo-doo-doo.”
49. The Tupperware: She went to a party. We now have enough plastic containers to store the entire state of Ohio.
50. The Tool: I bought a laser level. I’ve leveled every picture in the house. Now she says the house looks “too straight.”
51. The Good Will Hunting: I tried to solve a math problem on the fridge. She told me to stop writing on the appliances.
52. The Candle: She bought a “Mulled Cider” candle. Now the house smells like a fruit stand exploded in a furnace.
53. The Radiohead: I put on OK Computer. She said it sounds like a toaster having a breakdown.
54. The Giga Pet: She bought one for me so she wouldn’t be the only one “parenting.” I forgot to feed mine and it turned into a tombstone by noon.
55. The As Good As It Gets: I told her I’m trying to be a better man. She told me to start by putting the toilet seat down.
56. The Scrunchie: I used her “good” velvet scrunchie to tie back some cables. I am lucky to be alive.
57. The Fridge: We got a fridge with an ice dispenser in the door. We spent the first hour just pushing the button and laughing.
58. The Hanson: If I hear “MMMBop” one more time, I’m moving into the garage.
59. The Yoga: She tried a yoga class. She came back and said she’s “centered.” I asked if she centered my lost keys. She is no longer centered.
60. The Contact: We watched the movie. She asked if I think we’re alone in the universe. I said, “I hope so, then I wouldn’t have to share the chips.”
61. The Minivan Slide: I showed her how the power sliding door works. We did it ten times in a row. It’s the peak of our luxury.
62. The Waiting for Guffman: We watched it. She didn’t get it. I laughed for three days. We are now a “theatre” household.
63. The J.Crew: She’s circling outfits in the catalog. I told her I already own a sweater. She said, “But do you own a heathered sweater?”
64. The Choice: “Where do you want to go for our date?” “I don’t care.” “How about the steakhouse?” “No, I don’t feel like steak.”
65. The Final Word: She said, “You think you’re so smart.” I said, “I’m smart enough to know I’m about to lose this argument.”