57 Marriage Jokes: The 2016 “Pokémon GO & Election” Edition

In 2016, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of the most divisive election in history, trying to explain to your spouse why you’re trespassing in a graveyard at 11 PM to catch a Pikachu, and the domestic silence caused by the release of Stranger Things. It was the year of the “Mannequin Challenge,” the heartbreak of Harambe, and the realization that your husband’s “Bottle Flip” skills were not a valid retirement plan.

The 2016 Top 10: The “Augmented Reality & Arguments” Classics

1. The Pokémon GO: My wife found me in the bushes behind the neighbor’s house at midnight. I told her there was a Snorlax nearby. She told me the only “Snorlax” she cares about is the one currently taking up 90% of our bed and making a weird noise.
2. The Election: We agreed to a “No Politics” rule at dinner. Now we just sit in total silence, staring at our forks, radiating enough passive-aggressive energy to power a small city.
3. The Stranger Things: We started watching the show. Now my wife is convinced our Christmas lights are trying to tell her that I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.
4. The Mannequin Challenge: I tried to do the challenge while my wife was yelling at me about the credit card bill. I stood perfectly still for five minutes. She didn’t think it was “viral gold”; she thought I was having a stroke.
5. The Bottle Flip: My husband spent the entire weekend trying to flip a half-full water bottle so it lands upright. I told him if he spends that much time on the laundry, I might actually “flip” for him.
6. The Deadpool: I told my wife I’m like Ryan Reynolds—funny, charming, and looks great in red. She said, “You’re like Deadpool—annoying, won’t stay dead, and you talk way too much.”
7. The Harambe: I told my wife I’m “doing it for Harambe” every time I do a chore. She told me if I mention that gorilla one more time, I’m going to be the one living in an enclosure.
8. The AirPods: My husband bought the little white sticks for his ears. Now he just walks around nodding and talking to himself. I told him he looks like a secret agent who lost his backup.
9. The Lemonade: Beyoncé released the album. My wife has been carrying a baseball bat and looking at my phone with extreme suspicion for three days. I’ve never been so nervous about a “Becky.”
10. The Snapchat Filters: My wife sent me a photo of herself with dog ears and a giant tongue. I told her it’s an improvement. I’m currently “filtered” out of the bedroom.

The Full 2016 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Ghostbusters Remake: I told her I’m not afraid of no ghosts. She said, “You’re afraid of the ‘ghost’ of the man who used to help with the dishes.”
12. The Suicide Squad: I told her we’re “Rotten” but we have “Squad Goals.” She said, “Our only ‘goal’ is to survive your mother’s visit.”
13. The La La Land: She wants me to dance in traffic with her. I told her I’m not Ryan Gosling and this is a Toyota Camry, not a musical.
14. The Instagram Stories: Now I can see my wife ignore my texts in real-time “stories.” The future is incredible.
15. The Rogue One: I told her I’m a rebel. She said, “A ‘rebel’ who still asks me for permission to buy a new video game? Sure, Greg.”
16. The Bruno Mars: “24K Magic.” I told her I’m a dangerous man with some money in my pocket. She checked my wallet and found a coupon for a car wash and five dollars.
17. The Finding Dory: I told her I have short-term memory loss. She said, “Only when I ask you to take out the trash.”
18. The This Is Us: My wife cries every Tuesday night. I told her it’s just a show. She told me I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
19. The Westworld: I told her I’m a “host” and she’s my creator. She said, “Then I’m programming you to stop snoring.”
20. The Nintendo NES Classic: My husband stood in line for four hours to play games from 1985. I told him he could just go to his parents’ basement for free.
21. The Fantastic Beasts: I told her I’m a wizard. She told me to make the pile of mail disappear then.
22. The Moana: “You’re Welcome.” I sing this every time I do a basic chore. My wife is considering “restoring the heart” of our marriage by moving out.
23. The Arrival: I told her I can see the future. She asked, “What’s for dinner then?” I said, “Something that will make you mad.” I was right.
24. The Hidden Figures: I told her I’m a genius. She said, “The only ‘hidden figure’ is the amount you actually spent on those golf clubs.”
25. The Doctor Strange: I told her I can manipulate time. She said, “Then manipulate yourself into being on time for dinner for once.”
26. The Sia: “Cheap Thrills.” I told her I don’t need money to have fun. She said, “The electric company disagrees, Greg. Pay the bill.”
27. The Sully: I told her I’m a hero. She said, “You landed a car in a snowbank last year, you’re no Tom Hanks.”
28. The Choice: “Should we get the iPhone 7?” “It doesn’t have a headphone jack.” “How will I listen to my music?” “Through the air, Greg. It’s 2016.”
29. The Drake: “One Dance.” I told her I need one dance. She said, “You need one shower. Go.”
30. The Zootopia: I told her I’m the fox and she’s the bunny. She said, “No, I’m the sloth at the DMV and I’m currently processing your request for a sandwich… very… slowly.”
31. The Sing Movie: I told her I’m a rockstar. She told me I’m just a pig in a tracksuit.
32. The Batman v Superman: I told her it’s a clash of titans. She said, “It’s a clash of two hours of my life I’ll never get back.”
33. The Hodor: I told her to “Hold the door.” She burst into tears. I’m not allowed to use that phrase in this house anymore.
34. The My Life: I told her my life is an open book. She said, “Yeah, a ‘picture book’—lots of images, very little plot.”
35. The Justin Timberlake: “Can’t Stop the Feeling!” I sang it in the grocery store. My wife pretended she didn’t know me.
36. The Black Mirror: She watched the episode about social ratings. Now she’s “rating” my performance as a husband. I’m currently a 1.2.
37. The Pokémon Logic: “I caught a Pikachu in the bathroom!” “I caught you not cleaning the toilet. Who wins?”
38. The Captain America: Civil War: I told her I’m Team Cap. She said, “I’m Team Divorce if you don’t pick up your socks.”
39. The Hacksaw Ridge: I told her I’m a conscientious objector to doing the yard work. It didn’t work.
40. The Chainsmokers: “Closer.” I told her I’m never getting older. She pointed at my gray hairs and said, “The mirror says otherwise.”
41. The Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: I told her we’re like them. She said, “No, they were young and had abs.”
42. The Bad Moms: My wife saw the movie and now she’s “on strike.” The house is a disaster and I’ve been eating cereal for three days.
43. The Hell or High Water: I told her I’m an outlaw. She said, “You’re an ‘In-law’—your mother is calling on line two.”
44. The Nocturnal Animals: I told her I’m a night owl. She said, “You’re a ‘Night-ignore-er’—you ignore the baby’s crying at 3 AM.”
45. The Why Him?: My wife asked me this while looking at our wedding photo.
46. The Central Intelligence: I told her I’m like The Rock. She said, “You’re more like Kevin Hart—short and loud.”
47. The Jason Bourne: I told her I remember everything now. She said, “Then you remember where you put the spare key?” “No.” “Memory failed.”
48. The Lights Out: We watched the horror movie. Now she won’t let me turn off any lights. Our electric bill is the real horror story.
49. The Angry Birds Movie: I told her I’m Red. She said, “You’re just ‘Angry’ because I ate the last brownie.”
50. The Office Logic: I told her “Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.” She said, “This is ‘Wife’, go do the laundry.”
51. The Fifth Harmony: “Work from Home.” I told her I’m working from home. She said, “That means you’re sitting in your pajamas playing Overwatch.”
52. The Shawn Mendes: “Treat You Better.” I sang this to her. She said, “Then start by treating me to a dinner that isn’t from a drive-thru.”
53. The Lukas Graham: “7 Years.” I sang it. She said, “In 7 years you’ll still be looking for your car keys.”
54. The Twenty One Pilots: “Stressed Out.” I told her I wish I could turn back time to the good old days. She said, “To when you were single? Nice try.”
55. The Final Word: She said, “You’re a piece of work.” I said, “I’m a ‘Masterpiece’ that’s currently ‘Out of Order’.”
56. The Final Result: I tried to do a bottle flip to win an argument. It failed. I am now doing the dishes.
57. The Status: 2016. Still haven’t caught ’em all, but I did catch a cold from my wife.