65 Marriage Jokes: The 2000 “New Millennium & Nokia” Edition

In 2000, marriage survived the Y2K bug only to face the challenges of the new millennium: the rise of the indestructible Nokia 3310, the “Gladiator” obsession, and the first wave of reality TV that made every couple think their life was a broadcast. It was the year of the PlayStation 2, “Cast Away” metaphors for marriage, and the beginning of the end for our attention spans.

The 2000 Top 10: The “Dot-Com & Domestic” Classics

1. The Nokia: I dropped my Nokia 3310 on my husband’s foot. The phone is fine, but he’s been limping for three days. Our marriage is temporary; that phone is forever.
2. The Gladiator: My husband watched it and now he stands in the kitchen shouting, “Are you not entertained?!” every time he flips a pancake.
3. The Cast Away: We watched the movie. My wife said her life is like being stranded on an island, except the volleyball (me) talks back too much.
4. The PlayStation 2: I told my wife the PS2 is for the “family.” She asked why the “family” consists of me playing Madden until 2 AM while everyone else sleeps.
5. The GPS: We bought an early GPS unit for the car. Now we have a third person in our marriage to argue with about where to turn.
6. The Survivor: My wife says our marriage is like the show: every week she wants to vote me off the island, but she needs me to build the fire and open the jars.
7. The Dot-Com Crash: My husband’s “tech stocks” tanked. I told him our retirement plan just went from a beach house to a nice cardboard box.
8. The Google Search: I Googled “Why does my husband snore like a chainsaw?” It suggested “Divorce” and “Earplugs.” I went with the earplugs… for now.
9. The How the Grinch Stole Christmas: My wife says I’m the Grinch. I told her that’s only because she started playing Christmas music in October.
10. The Razor Scooter: I bought one to “keep up with the kids.” One trip to the ER later, my wife has banned me from anything with wheels.

The Full 2000 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Napster: He’s still downloading music. I told him by the time that Metallica album finishes, we’ll be in the year 3000.
12. The X-Men: My husband thinks he’s Wolverine because he forgot to shave for three days. I told him he’s more like “Professor X” because he just sits in a chair all day.
13. The Digital Camera: We have 3 megapixels! I can finally see the disappointment in my wife’s eyes in high resolution.
14. The Baha Men: “Who Let the Dogs Out?” My wife: “I did, and while you’re out there, pick up the yard.”
15. The Harry Potter: She’s on the fourth book. She’s started calling the guest room “The Chamber of Secrets” because she hasn’t cleaned it in a year.
16. The Meet the Parents: We watched it. My wife told me my father is exactly like Robert De Niro, but without the cool CIA background.
17. The Britney: She’s singing “Oops!… I Did It Again.” I asked what she did. She said, “I spent your golf budget on shoes.”
18. The Big Brother: She’s obsessed with the show. I told her we already have a house where people are being watched and judged—it’s called “Thanksgiving at your mother’s.”
19. The Crouching Tiger: My wife tried a martial arts move in the kitchen. She’s a “Hidden Dragon,” but the only thing she slayed was the spice rack.
20. The Linkin Park: “In the end, it doesn’t even matter.” That’s my husband’s philosophy whenever I ask him to match his socks.
21. The Scary Movie: We watched it. I laughed. She didn’t. Now I’m the one living in a horror movie where the monster won’t cook me dinner.
22. The USB Drive: I bought a 64MB stick. I told her we can store all our memories on it. She said our memories must be very small.
23. The What Women Want: We watched the Mel Gibson movie. I told her I wish I could hear her thoughts. She said, “No, you really don’t.”
24. The Starbucks: She’s moved up to a “Venti.” I’m pretty sure she’s vibrating. I’ve never seen the house so clean.
25. The Charlie’s Angels: My wife and her friends are “The Angels.” I’m the guy who pays for the pizza and stays in the garage.
26. The MP3 Player: It holds ten songs. He spends more time picking the songs than actually listening to them.
27. The High Fidelity: I made a “Top 5” list of things I love about her. “Number 1: Your patience for my Top 5 lists.”
28. The Snatch: My husband is trying to talk with a cockney accent. I told him he sounds like he has a mouthful of marbles.
29. The PDA: He has a Sony Clié now. It has a color screen. He’s still using it to record the fact that we’re out of milk.
30. The Bye Bye Bye: My wife is doing the ‘N Sync hand dance. I told her “Bye Bye Bye” to my dignity if we do this in public.
31. The Cast Away: I called my wife “Wilson.” She didn’t find it as funny as I did.
32. The Billy Elliot: I told her I’m going to start ballet. She said, “Good, then you can dance your way to the trash can.”
33. The Unbreakable: I told my wife I have a “gift.” She said, “Is it the gift of forgetting our anniversary?”
34. The Sims: My wife is playing a game where she controls a virtual family. I asked why the virtual husband is doing the dishes while the real one isn’t.
35. The E-mail: She sent me an “E-card.” It was a dancing hamster. This is the peak of our romance.
36. The Almost Famous: I told her I’m a “Golden God.” She told me I’m a “Middle-aged Guy” who needs to change the lightbulb.
37. The Flat Screen: We finally got one. It’s huge. Now I can see the referee’s mistakes and my wife’s glare at the same time.
38. The Pink: She’s “Get the Party Started.” I’m “Get the Pajamas On.”
39. The Mission: Impossible 2: I tried to do the slow-motion jump. I hit the coffee table. Mission: Failed.
40. The Faith Hill: “Breathe.” My wife tells me this every time I try to talk during her “stories.”
41. The TiVo: We recorded the whole season of The West Wing. We’ll watch it in 2005 at this rate.
42. The Bluetooth: He’s wearing the earpiece at a funeral. I told him he’s not that important.
43. The Coyote Ugly: She danced on the kitchen counter once. We had to buy a new counter.
44. The Broadband: It’s so fast! Now we can see the credit card bill online before it even arrives in the mail.
45. The American Psycho: I told her I need to “return some videotapes.” She reminded me that we switched to DVD months ago.
46. The Cargo Pants: They’ve reached their final form. He has pockets for things he hasn’t even bought yet.
47. The Shaggy: “It Wasn’t Me.” My husband’s new anthem for every time he breaks something in the house.
48. The Erin Brockovich: My wife is on a crusade against the local HOA. I’m just trying to hide in the basement.
49. The DVD Extras: We spent three hours watching the “Director’s Commentary” instead of the movie. We still don’t know the plot.
50. The Pokémon Movie: I took the kids. I fell asleep. I woke up and there were 150 more of them.
51. The Choice: “What do you want for dinner?” “Anything.” “Sushi?” “Too raw.” “Steak?” “Too heavy.” “Nothing?” “Why are you being mean?”
52. The Miss Congeniality: I told her she’s the most congenial woman I know. She asked who the other women are.
53. The Laptop: He’s “telecommuting.” That means he’s wearing a dress shirt and pajama bottoms.
54. The Destiny’s Child: She’s an “Independent Woman.” I’m a “Dependent Husband” (I can’t find my socks without her).
55. The Wall: We painted the living room “Millennium Taupe.” It looks like wet sand. We hate it.
56. The Giga Pet: Our digital dog died again. My wife says it’s an omen.
57. The Coldplay: “Yellow.” I told her her eyes are yellow. She said that’s just jaundice from my cooking.
58. The Bed: We got a “memory foam” mattress. It remembers exactly where I sleep, which is right on the edge because she takes up the rest.
59. The Final Destination: Every time I drive, she treats it like the movie. “Watch that truck! Watch that bird! Is that a leaf?!”
60. The Texting: I sent her a “T9” text. It took me ten minutes to type “Hi.” She replied “K.”
61. The O Brother, Where Art Thou?: My husband is obsessed with bluegrass music now. I told him he’s “in a tight spot.”
62. The Yoga: She’s doing “Hot Yoga.” The house is 90 degrees and she’s standing on one leg. I’m staying in the fridge.
63. The Dr. Seuss: We saw the movie. I told her her heart is two sizes too small. She said my brain is three sizes too small.
64. The Millennium: We survived Y2K, but we won’t survive another year of her mother staying for the whole summer.
65. The Final Word: She said, “New year, new you?” I said, “New year, same me, just with a better phone.”