60 Marriage Jokes: The 2014 “Ice Bucket & Interstellar” Edition

In 2014, marriage was about navigating the “Ice Bucket Challenge” (and the subsequent wet carpets), the domestic confusion over the “Flappy Bird” craze, and the high-stakes drama of the first massive iCloud celebrity hack. It was the year of “Happy” playing on a loop until it made everyone miserable, the rise of the “Dad Bod” as a cultural phenomenon, and the realization that your husband’s Interstellar obsession meant he was going to explain “time dilation” every time he was late for dinner.

The 2014 Top 10: The “Cold Water & Cosmic Time” Classics

The Ice Bucket Challenge: My husband dumped a bucket of ice water on his head for “charity” in the living room. I told him the real charity would be him finally paying the plumber to fix the leak he caused.
The Interstellar: We watched the movie. My husband said, “Time moves slower on that planet.” I told him, “That explains why you think five minutes in the hardware store is actually three hours of my life.”
The Dad Bod: The internet said the “Dad Bod” is in. I told my wife I’m finally a trendsetter. She said, “You’re not a trendsetter, Greg; you’re just a guy who stopped going to the gym in 2011.”
The Flappy Bird: I haven’t seen my husband’s face in three days. He’s staring at his phone, screaming at a pixelated bird. I told him he should focus on the real birds—the ones that pooped on his car.
The Kim Kardashian: She “broke the internet” with that magazine cover. My wife said, “If she broke the internet, maybe we can finally have a conversation without you checking your fantasy football scores.”
The Frozen Fever: It’s been a year, and my kids are still singing. I told my wife I’m going to “Let it Go”—the marriage, if I hear that song one more time. (I’m currently “letting it go” on the sofa).
The Guardians of the Galaxy: I told my wife, “I am Groot.” She said, “I am the person who is going to throw that talking tree toy out the window if you don’t do the dishes.”
The Tinder Obsession: My single friends are on Tinder. I told my wife we should try a “Marriage Tinder” where we just swipe left on each other’s chore requests.
The Pharrell: “Happy” was on the radio for the 400th time today. I told my wife I’m a “room without a roof.” She said, “Good, then you’ll be used to the draft when I kick you out for singing that.”
The Uber: We took our first Uber. My wife spent the whole ride judging the driver’s choice of air freshener. I told her, “At least he isn’t judging your choice of husband.”

The Full 2014 Archive (Extended List)

The GoPro: My husband strapped a camera to his head to film himself “extreme mowing” the lawn. The footage is 20 minutes of grass and his heavy breathing.
The Maleficent: I told my wife she’s like Angelina Jolie—dark and mysterious. She said, “I’m just tired and I haven’t had coffee, don’t push it.”
The John Wick: I told her, “People keep asking if I’m back. Yeah, I’m thinking I’m back!” She said, “Are you back from the store? Because you forgot the eggs.”
The Fault in Our Stars: My wife cried so hard she used a whole box of tissues. I told her “Okay?” She said, “Okay,” and then hit me with a pillow for being insensitive.
The Amazon Echo: Alexa moved in. My wife is jealous because I actually listen to Alexa’s reminders but forget everything she tells me.
The Gone Girl: We watched the movie. Now I sleep with one eye open and I make sure to never, ever complain about her “treasure hunts.”
The Birdman: I told her I’m an artist. She told me I’m a “Birdman” because I’m always “winging it” when it comes to our budget.
The 22 Jump Street: I told her I’m going “undercover” at the bar. She said, “The only thing you’re covering is the tab for your unemployed friends.”
The Taylor Swift: “Shake It Off.” My wife sings this every time the dog gets wet. I sing it every time she mentions the credit card bill.
The Grand Budapest Hotel: She wants our house to be “aesthetic.” I told her we live in a split-level ranch, not a Wes Anderson film.
The Lucy: I told her I’m using 100% of my brain capacity. She said, “Then use 2% of it to remember where you parked the car.”
The Whiplash: I told her I’m a world-class drummer. She said, “You’re just ‘not quite my tempo’ when it comes to getting ready for church.”
The Nightcrawler: I told her I’m a freelance journalist. She told me I’m just a guy who stays up too late watching police chases on YouTube.
The American Sniper: I told her I’m a marksman. She said, “You can’t even hit the toilet bowl in the dark, Bradley Cooper.”
The Boyhood: It took 12 years to film. I told her our kitchen renovation is taking the same amount of time.
The Meghan Trainor: “All About That Bass.” I told her I’m all about that bass. She said, “You’re all about that ‘base’—the basement, where you hide from your responsibilities.”
The Theory of Everything: I told her I’ve solved the mystery of the universe. She said, “Solve the mystery of where the TV remote went.”
The Kingsman: I told her “Manners maketh man.” She said, “Then use your manners and ask me nicely before you eat my leftovers.”
The Unbroken: I told her I’m a survivor. She said, “You cried when the WiFi went out for ten minutes yesterday.”
The 50 Shades Trailer: It dropped. My wife is “anticipating.” I told her I bought some new rope. She got excited until she realized it was for the lawnmower pull-start.
The Mockingjay: I told her the revolution has begun. She said, “The revolution against your beard? I hope so.”
The Into the Woods: I told her I’m going into the woods. She said, “Good, take the recycling with you, it’s a long walk.”
The Big Hero 6: I told her I’m Baymax—your personal healthcare companion. She said, “Then heal my headache by being quiet for an hour.”
The Noah Movie: I told her I’m building an ark. She said, “Build a bookshelf first, like you promised in 2012.”
The Godzilla: I told her I’m a force of nature. She said, “Yeah, a ‘natural disaster’ when you try to do the laundry.”
The Edge of Tomorrow: “Live. Die. Repeat.” I told her this is our marriage. She said, “Wake up. Argument. Repeat.”
The Divergent: I told her I don’t fit into any one category. She said, “You fit into the ‘Annoying’ category perfectly.”
The Neighbors Movie: I told her our neighbors are too loud. She reminded me that we are the loud neighbors because I won’t stop singing “Everything is Awesome.”
The Lego Movie: Everything is awesome! Except our bank account. That is definitely not awesome.
The Choice: “Should we get a 4K TV?” “Is it better than 1080p?” “It’s four times the resolution.” “Will it make the news less depressing?” “No.” “Then no.”
The Sia: “Chandelier.” My wife tried to “swing” from the light fixture after two margaritas. We are now looking for a new light fixture and a new dignity.
The Transformers 4: I told her Mark Wahlberg is my hero. She said, “Mark Wahlberg has abs. You have a collection of pizza boxes.”
The Sin City 2: I told her I’m a “Dame to Kill For.” She said, “You’re a ‘Husband to Complain About’.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: I told her I’m Leonardo. She said, “You’re Michelangelo because you only care about pizza and you’re immature.”
The Expendables 3: I told her I’m still a tough guy. She said, “You make a weird noise when you sit down on the floor. Give it up.”
The Dumb and Dumber To: I told her we’re like Harry and Lloyd. She said, “I’m not Harry, I’m the victim in this scenario.”
The Horrible Bosses 2: I told her I’m starting a business. She said, “Start by finishing the ‘business’ of cleaning the garage.”
The Exodus: Gods and Kings: I told her I’m leading my people to freedom. She said, “Lead the dog to the backyard and come back.”
The Wild Movie: She wants to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. I reminded her she got a blister walking from the car to the Nordstrom entrance.
The Annie Remake: I told her the sun will come out tomorrow. She said, “It better, because you still haven’t mown the lawn.”
The Hozier: “Take Me to Church.” I sang it. She said, “I’ll take you to the curb if you don’t stop.”
The Sam Smith: “Stay with Me.” I told her this after we fought. She said, “I’m staying, but only because the lease isn’t up until June.”
The Iggy Azalea: “Fancy.” I told her I’m in the fast lane from L.A. to Tokyo. She said, “You’re in the carpool lane from the suburbs to the dentist.”
The Ariana Grande: “Problem.” I told her I have one less problem without her. She reminded me that I don’t know how to use the washing machine. I apologized immediately.
The Magic!: “Rude.” I asked her father if I could marry her. He said, “You’ve been married for eight years, Greg. Go home.”
The Nicki Minaj: “Anaconda.” I told her my anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hun. She told me to go to the bakery and stop talking.
The Jessie J: “Bang Bang.” I told her she’s a firecracker. She said, “And you’re the dud that didn’t go off.”
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a lot to handle.” I said, “I’m a ‘limited edition’—rare and valuable.”
The Final Result: I did the Ice Bucket Challenge. I didn’t get any donations, but I did get a very cold wife who had to mop the floor.
The 2014 Wrap-up: We looked at our “Top Nine” on Instagram. It’s six pictures of the cat, two of her coffee, and one of my feet by the pool. A true masterpiece.