66 Marriage Jokes: The 2006 “Wii & Twitter” Edition

In 2006, marriage was about dodging a Wii remote thrown by your spouse, trying to fit your life’s frustrations into 140 characters on a new site called Twitter, and the social pressure of having a “cool” ringtone. It was the year of the MacBook Pro launch, the “Crocs” explosion, and the collective obsession with The Da Vinci Code. Couples were navigating the transition from DVDs to Blu-ray and realizing that their “Top 8” on MySpace was starting to look a lot like a graveyard.

The 2006 Top 10: The “Motion Control & Microblogging” Classics

1. The Wii: My wife and I played Wii Sports. She got so competitive in boxing that she accidentally punched me in the ear and then asked if I “felt the realism.”
2. The Twitter: My husband joined a site where you only get 140 characters. I told him it’s a miracle—finally, a version of him that knows when to shut up.
3. The Borat: Every time I do something basic like taking out the trash, I shout “Great Success!” My wife told me if I do it one more time, she’ll “make benefit” of a divorce lawyer.
4. The Crocs: My wife bought a pair of foam clogs with holes in them. She says they’re comfortable. I told her they’re the “birth control” of footwear.
5. The 300: After watching the movie, my husband stood at the top of the stairs and shouted “This is Sparta!” before tripping over the cat. This is actually the suburbs, Dave.
6. The Devil Wears Prada: My wife watched the movie and now she looks at my Sears flannel shirts like I’m a war criminal.
7. The Nintendo DS Lite: We bought two so we could “play together.” Now we sit on opposite ends of the couch in total silence “brain training” our way to a quiet evening.
8. The Da Vinci Code: My wife is convinced there’s a secret conspiracy hidden in our wedding photos. I told her the only secret is how we managed to pay for that open bar.
9. The Blu-ray vs. HD-DVD: My husband is refusing to buy movies until a “winner” is declared. I told him we’re the losers because we haven’t seen a new film in six months.
10. The High School Musical: My kids have seen it 50 times. My wife knows all the dances. I’m currently looking for a “Breaking Free” exit strategy from this living room.

The Full 2006 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Casino Royale: I told my wife I’m the new James Bond. She said, “Bond wouldn’t ask me where his ‘lucky socks’ are for twenty minutes.”
12. The Snakes on a Plane: My husband is quoting Samuel L. Jackson every time he sees a spider in the bathroom. “I have had it with these motherf-ing spiders in this motherf-ing tub!”
13. The Facebook Open: It’s not just for college kids anymore. My mother-in-law joined. My wife is currently in a digital witness protection program.
14. The Justin Timberlake: “SexyBack.” I told my wife I’m bringing sexy back. She asked, “Where did it go? And did it take the dry cleaning with it?”
15. The Talladega Nights: I told her, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” while racing her to the kitchen. She reminded me that she’s the one with the credit card, so I’m always last.
16. The Rocky Balboa: He’s 60 and still fighting. My husband is 35 and groaned while reaching for the remote.
17. The Gnarls Barkley: “Crazy.” I told her the song is about us. She said, “No, it’s just about you and your ‘investment’ in HD-DVDs.”
18. The YouTube Buyout: Google bought it for 1.6 billion. I told my wife we should have uploaded a video of her snoring. We’d be retired by now.
19. The Pirates 2: Captain Jack is back. My husband is wearing a bandana again. I told him he looks less like a pirate and more like a guy who’s about to paint the garage.
20. The Fergie: “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” I told my wife this when she saw the credit card bill. She proved Fergie wrong immediately.
21. The Little Miss Sunshine: We saw the movie. I told her our family is just like that. She said, “Except we don’t have a cool yellow van, just a beige minivan and more angst.”
22. The Pluto Demotion: Pluto is no longer a planet. My husband is devastated. I told him it’s okay, he’s still the center of my universe (mostly because he’s always in the way).
23. The Gears of War: My husband is “revving” his chainsaw bayonet. I told him if he wants to cut something, there’s a hedge in the front yard that needs attention.
24. The Ugly Betty: My wife says she relates to the show. I told her she’s beautiful. She said, “I know, I just want the poncho.”
25. The Shakira: “Hips Don’t Lie.” I told my wife my hips are telling me it’s pizza night. She said my stomach is the one doing the talking.
26. The Departed: My husband spent the whole weekend trying to do a Boston accent. I told him he sounds like he’s having a stroke.
27. The MacBook Pro: He got the first one. It’s so fast! He can now look up things he can’t afford in record time.
28. The Grey’s Anatomy: Denny died. My wife is inconsolable. I told her he’s a fictional character. I’m currently sleeping in the “parking lot” (the guest room).
29. The Happy Feet: We watched the dancing penguins. I told her I have “happy feet.” She said, “No, you just have ‘smelly feet’—put your shoes on.”
30. The Click: We watched the Adam Sandler movie. My husband wants a remote that can pause me. I told him if he pauses me, he’ll never eat a home-cooked meal again.
31. The Rihanna: “SOS.” I played this when her mother called. My wife didn’t find the “distress signal” joke funny.
32. The Borat Accent: “How much?” I asked this about her new shoes. She said, “Enough to make you ‘NOT’ happy.”
33. The Cars Movie: I told her I’m “Lightning McQueen.” She said, “You’re more like Mater—rusty and constantly needing a tow.”
34. The Marie Antoinette: She wants a “lavish” lifestyle. I told her I’m a “lavish” husband on a “leftovers” budget.
35. The Wii Fit: She bought the board. She’s been “jogging in place” for twenty minutes. I asked if she’s reached the kitchen yet.
36. The Carrie Underwood: “Before He Cheats.” She sings this while looking directly at me when I’m talking to the waitress. I’ve never been so well-behaved.
37. The Dreamgirls: I told her she’s my “Dreamgirl.” She told me to “stop dreaming” and go fix the leaking faucet.
38. The MySpace Layout: I spent five hours coding a “matrix” theme. My wife said, “That’s five hours of your life you’ll never get back, Neo.”
39. The Pan’s Labyrinth: We watched it. She’s afraid of the guy with eyes in his hands. I told her it’s just like me looking for my car keys.
40. The Razr V3i: It’s gold! My wife feels like a millionaire. I’m still using a phone that has a retractable antenna.
41. The Snow Patrol: “Chasing Cars.” I told her we can just lie here and forget the world. She said, “We can’t, the kids are screaming and the dog needs to go out.”
42. The 24: Jack Bauer survives everything in a day. My husband survives 15 minutes of grocery shopping before calling me for “backup.”
43. The Wordle Prequel: My wife is obsessed with “Sudoku” in the newspaper. I told her it’s just math for people who hate themselves.
44. The Lost S3: Everyone is complaining about the cages. My husband says he’s “trapped” too. I told him he’s just trapped in a marriage with a very lovely woman.
45. The Amy Winehouse: “Rehab.” I told her they tried to make me go to the gym. She said, “No, no, no.”
46. The Night at the Museum: I told her I’m a “historical figure.” She said, “Yeah, you’re ‘The Man Who Forgot the Anniversary’ of 2005.”
47. The Digital Frame: We bought a frame that cycles through 50 photos. 49 of them are the dog. 1 is me, and I’m blinking.
48. The Blood Diamond: I told her I’m getting her a “conflict-free” diamond. She said, “The only conflict is your cheapness.”
49. The Pussycat Dolls: “Buttons.” She told me to “loosen up her buttons.” I told her I can’t even find the buttons on the new universal remote.
50. The Babel: We watched the movie. I told her we have a communication breakdown. She said, “No, I’m communicating perfectly. You’re just not listening.”
51. The Eragon: My husband is reading about dragons again. I told him to go “dragon” the trash to the curb.
52. The YouTube Stars: He wants to be a “vlogger.” I told him no one wants to watch a 10-minute video of him trying to decide which cereal to buy.
53. The Wii Remote Strap: I told her she needs to wear the wrist strap. She didn’t. Now we have a Wii-remote-shaped hole in our 32-inch tube TV.
54. The Office Logic: I put his remote in Jello. He didn’t laugh. Apparently, I’m the only one who thinks I’m Jim.
55. The Justin Timberlake: “What Goes Around… Comes Around.” I told her this when she ate my leftovers.
56. The Borat Wedding: I told her she’s my “number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.” I am now sleeping in the yard.
57. The Blue-Ray: We finally bought a player. The movie cost $30. I told her we’re only watching it once a year at that price.
58. The Crocs Argument: “They’re waterproof!” “So is a bucket, but you don’t wear it on your feet, Karen.”
59. The Step Up: She wants to take hip-hop dance classes. I reminded her she has the rhythm of a broken washing machine.
60. The Choice: “Should we get the GPS or just use the map?” “Let’s get the GPS, I want to hear a robot tell you you’re wrong for once.”
61. The Heroes: “Save the cheerleader, save the world.” I told her, “Save the leftovers, save the marriage.”
62. The MySpace Music: Our profile song is “Our Song.” My husband changed it to “The Imperial March.” I’m considering a divorce.
63. The Wii Sports: We have “Wii Elbow.” Our doctor told us to play real sports. We told him real sports don’t have Mii characters.
64. The Devil Wears Prada Quote: “That’s all.” My wife says this every time she gives me a chore list.
65. The Final Word: She said, “You’re so 2005.” I said, “I’m 2006—faster, sleeker, and I have a Twitter account I don’t know how to use.”
66. The Final Result: I tweeted “My wife is great.” She replied, “Go do the dishes.” Twitter is a dark place.