64 Marriage Jokes: The 2015 “Apple Watch & Hotline Bling” Edition

In 2015, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of “The Dress” (blue and black or white and gold?), the constant tapping on the new Apple Watch, and trying to explain to your spouse why you’re doing the “Hotline Bling” dance in the kitchen. It was the year of the Star Wars revival, the rise of the “Dadbod” peak, and the realization that Netflix “and chill” was just a code for falling asleep ten minutes into a movie.

The 2015 Top 10: The “Smartwatch & Space Operas” Classics

The Apple Watch: My husband got the new watch. Now, every time I’m talking to him, he looks at his wrist. I asked if he has somewhere better to be. He said, “No, I just closed my ‘Standing’ ring.” I told him he’s about to close his ‘Marriage’ ring if he doesn’t look at me.
The Dress: We didn’t speak for two days because I saw Blue and Black and she saw White and Gold. I told her our marriage is like that dress—I’m not sure what I’m looking at anymore, but it’s definitely causing a headache.
The Hotline Bling: I tried to do the Drake dance while taking out the trash. My wife looked out the window and asked if I was having a localized neurological event.
The Force Awakens: My husband spent $200 on a rolling BB-8 droid. I told him we have a toddler and a dog; we don’t need a third thing that trips me in the hallway and beeps for attention.
The Netflix and Chill: My wife suggested “Netflix and chill.” I got excited until I realized it meant watching a four-part documentary on the history of salt while she uses my leg as a footrest and falls asleep.
The Mad Max: I told my wife our trip to the mall on a Saturday is like Fury Road. “Witness me!” I shouted while finding a parking spot. She told me to “Witness the grocery list” and shut up.
The Hello: Adele released “Hello.” My wife has been singing it into her tea mug for three weeks. I told her, “I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done,” just to be safe.
The Hoverboard: My husband bought one of those “scooters” that catches fire. I told him he’s thirty-six. He fell, broke the coffee table, and the board melted the carpet. Merry Christmas 2015.
The Jurassic World: I told my wife I’m the Alpha of this house. She looked at me, clicked her tongue like Chris Pratt training raptors, and told me to go sit on the porch. I went.
The Man Bun: My husband tried to grow a “man bun.” I told him he doesn’t have enough hair for a bun; he has a “man-nugget” that looks like a pebble stuck to his head.

The Full 2015 Archive (Extended List)

The Leftover Logic: I asked what’s for dinner. She said, “Look at my Pinterest ‘Food’ board.” I told her I can’t eat a digital image of a taco.
The Inside Out: I told her my “Joy” is currently being held hostage by my “Anger” over the laundry situation.
The Fitbit: My wife told me I need to get my 10,000 steps. I spent the evening pacing the kitchen while waiting for the microwave. “Health!”
The Fifty Shades of Grey: We saw the movie. I bought some silk ties. She used them to tie the garage door shut because I wouldn’t stop making “Inner Goddess” jokes.
The Amazon Prime: Every day a new box arrives. I told her our house is becoming an Amazon warehouse. She told me I’m just the “Unpaid intern” who moves the boxes.
The Martian: I told her I’m going to “science the crap” out of our budget. She said, “Start by not buying a $500 drone.”
The Straight Outta Compton: I made a “Straight Outta Patience” meme with her picture. I’m currently “Straight Outta the Bedroom.”
The Periscope: He’s “live-streaming” his cooking. He has two viewers: me and his mother. He burnt the toast in HD.
The Minions: They are everywhere. I told her she’s my “Scarlet Overkill.” She said, “Then where is my crown and my peace and quiet?”
The Apple Music: Another subscription. I told her we’re “Subscribing” our way to poverty.
The Avengers: Age of Ultron: I told her I’m building an AI to do the chores. She said, “You can’t even program the coffee maker, Tony Stark.”
The Tidying Up: She read a book about “Sparking Joy.” She threw out my college t-shirts. I told her they sparked joy for me. She said, “They sparked a fire hazard.”
The Hamilton: She’s listening to the soundtrack on repeat. I told her I’m not “throwing away my shot.” She said, “Throw away the trash instead.”
The Wahlburgers: My husband wants to start a burger joint. I told him he can’t even flip a pancake without hitting the ceiling.
The Ant-Man: I told her I can shrink. She said, “You already shrink every time I ask you to talk about your feelings.”
The Whip/Nae Nae: I tried to do it. My kids filmed it. It’s now the most-watched video in our family group chat under the title “Why Dad Isn’t Cool.”
The Spectre: I told her I’m a man of mystery. She said, “The only mystery is why you think those cargo shorts are still in style.”
The Amy Schumer: My wife thinks she’s a “Trainwreck.” I told her she’s more like a “Minor Fender Bender.”
The Dadbod: I told her my belly is a “luxury item.” She said, “Then it’s time to downsize the inventory.”
The The Revenant: I told her I’m like Leonardo DiCaprio—I can survive anything. She said, “You got a cold last week and acted like you were being mauled by a bear for three days.”
The Tinder Logic: My friend is “Swiping.” I told my wife if I were on there, I’d swipe right on her. She said, “I’d swipe left just to see the look on your face.”
The Creed: I told her I’m a fighter. She said, “You’re a ‘fright-er’—you jump every time the toaster pops.”
The Pitch Perfect 2: She’s “aca-annoying” me with the singing again.
The San Andreas: I told her the earth is shaking. She said, “That’s just the washing machine on the spin cycle, go fix it.”
The Bieber: “Sorry.” I played this after I forgot the anniversary. She said, “Is it too late now to say sorry? Yes. Yes it is.”
The Mockingjay Part 2: The series is over. I told her the revolution is complete. She said, “Good, then you’re free to clean the gutters.”
The Silicon Valley: My husband thinks he’s a tech mogul. He’s currently struggling to change the ink in the printer.
The Ted 2: He’s still quoting the bear. I’m still considering the “Thunder Buddy” divorce.
The Hateful Eight: I told her that’s the name of her bridesmaids. I am now “The Hateful One” sleeping on the floor.
The Choice: “Do we get the 4K Netflix plan?” “Does it make the characters look more disappointed in their lives?” “Probably.” “Then yes.”
The Pizza Rat: I told her I’m like the rat—determined and hungry. She said, “The rat actually achieved his goal; you’re still sitting on the sofa.”
The Peanuts Movie: I told her I’m Charlie Brown. She said, “I know, and I’m the football you’re about to miss.”
The Walk: I told her I can walk on a tightrope. She said, “You can’t even walk to the mailbox without complaining about your knees.”
The Bridge of Spies: I told her I’m a negotiator. She said, “Negotiate with the kids to go to bed then.” I failed.
The Sicario: I told her I’m a hitman. She said, “You’re a ‘hit-man’—every time you try to fix a nail, you ‘hit’ your thumb.”
The Magic Mike XXL: More dancing. My wife is very “inspired.” I’m very “tired.”
The Paul Blart 2: My husband laughed. I realized our intellectual connection is fading.
The Tomorrowland: I told her the future is bright. She said, “The future is dark because you forgot to pay the electric bill.”
The Vacation: We went on a “family road trip.” I told her we’re like the Griswolds. She said, “No, they were funny; we’re just sweaty and lost.”
The Black Mass: I told her I’m a mob boss. She said, “You’re a ‘job boss’—you have one ‘job’ to do and it’s the dishes.”
The Steve Jobs Movie: I told her I’m a visionary. She said, “Vision yourself doing the yard work.”
The Goosebumps: I told her the books are coming to life. She said, “The only thing ‘Goosebumpy’ is the skin on the chicken you left out on the counter. Throw it away.”
The Sisters: We saw the movie. She said she’s the “fun one.” I told her she’s the one who makes me fill out a calendar for our weekends.
The Krampus: I told her the Christmas monster is coming for her. She said, “I’m married to him, I’m not scared.”
The Big Short: I told her I understand the housing market. She said, “Then you understand why we’re never moving to a bigger house.”
The Weeknd: “Can’t Feel My Face.” I told her this. She said, “That’s because it’s 10 degrees outside and you forgot your scarf. Stop being poetic.”
The Hotline Bling Logic: “You used to call me on my cell phone.” My wife: “I still do, but you never answer, so I have to call the landline.”
The Broad City: She says her and her best friend are “Abbi and Ilana.” I told her that means I’m the guy who has to bail them out of trouble.
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: “Females are strong as hell.” My wife sings this every time she opens a jar I couldn’t.
The One-Trick Pony: He’s still doing the “Gangnam Style” in 2015. I told him he’s a “Legacy Act.”
The Selfie Logic: “Does this make me look fat?” “No, the angle makes you look ‘Distorted’.” (I am now distorted from being hit with the selfie stick).
The Final Word: She said, “You’re a piece of work.” I said, “I’m a ‘Masterpiece’ in a dusty frame.”
The Final Result: I posted a photo of my Apple Watch. 3 likes. My wife commented: “Your heart rate is high, are you arguing with someone on the internet again?”
The Status: Married. 2015. Still can’t agree on the dress color.