63 Marriage Jokes: The 2012 “End of the World & Instagram” Edition

In 2012, marriage was about navigating the “End of the World” hype with a spouse who still wouldn’t let you buy a survival bunker, trying to master the “Gangnam Style” dance without ending up in the ER, and the domestic friction caused by the release of 50 Shades of Grey. It was the year of the London Olympics, the rise of Tinder (which we mostly just judged from a distance), and the realization that the Maya were wrong—the world didn’t end, you still have to pay the mortgage.

The 2012 Top 10: The “Apocalypse & Oppan” Classics

1. The Maya Prophecy: I told my wife the world is ending on December 21st, so I’m not cleaning the gutters. She said, “The world might end, but if it doesn’t, you’re sleeping in them. Get the ladder.”
2. The Gangnam Style: My husband tried to do the “invisible horse” dance at a wedding. He looked less like Psy and more like a man having a very specific allergic reaction to the floor.
3. The 50 Shades: My wife started reading the book. I told her I’m ready for some “red room” action. She led me to the laundry room and told me to start a load of “darks.”
4. The Avengers: After the movie, I told my wife, “We have a Hulk.” She pointed at our toddler having a tantrum in the cereal aisle and said, “No, we have a nightmare. Help me.”
5. The Instagram Filter: My wife took a photo of our burnt dinner and put the “Earlybird” filter on it. Now it doesn’t look like a disaster; it looks like “vintage culinary art” from 1974.
6. The Hunger Games: I told my wife I “volunteer as tribute” to go pick up the pizza. She said, “May the odds be ever in your favor of actually remembering the extra dipping sauce this time.”
7. The Pinterest Project: She saw a DIY headboard made of old barn wood. Now our bedroom smells like a damp stable and I have a splinter in a place I can’t mention.
8. The London Olympics: My wife asked why I can’t have a body like the Olympic swimmers. I told her I have the body of a retired shot-putter who really enjoys the village buffet.
9. The Curiosity Rover: NASA landed a rover on Mars. My wife wants to know how they can find water on another planet, but I can’t find the mayonnaise in a fridge that is right in front of my face.
10. The Skyfall: I told her I’m the new Bond. She said, “The only thing ‘falling’ from your ‘sky’ is your hair, Greg. Sit down.”

The Full 2012 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Facebook Timeline: They changed the layout again. My wife spent three hours “curating” her life. I told her she’s not a museum; she’s a person who needs to finish the taxes.
12. The Ted Movie: My husband bought a foul-mouthed teddy bear. I told him he’s thirty-five. He said, “Thunder buddies for life!” and now I’m sleeping on the sofa.
13. The Grumpy Cat: I told my wife she looks like the cat today. She didn’t say anything, she just gave me a look that was “No” in every language known to man.
14. The iPad Mini: It’s smaller! My husband says it’s more “portable.” I told him it’s just another screen for him to ignore me on while we’re at dinner.
15. The Magic Mike: My wife went to see it with her “book club.” They didn’t bring any books. They came home very hydrated and kept asking me why I don’t “move like that.”
16. The Carly Rae Jepsen: “Call Me Maybe.” I gave my number to my wife. She said, “I already have it, and it’s currently blocked until you apologize for the thermostat incident.”
17. The Dark Knight Rises: I told my wife I’m Bane. I put a bowl over my face and talked through it. She told me I’m “The Masked Moron” and to go away.
18. The Tinder Curiosity: We looked at the app together. My wife said, “If I were on here, I’d swipe left on your profile just based on that cargo shorts photo.”
19. The Brave Movie: My wife told me I’m not “Brave.” I told her I’m plenty brave—I ate her mother’s tuna casserole without complaining once.
20. The Maroon 5: “One More Night.” I told her I’m staying one more night. She said, “We’re married, you live here. Stop being dramatic.”
21. The Lincoln Movie: I told her I’m an honest man. She asked, “Then where’s the twenty dollars that was on the counter?” I’ve decided to be “Dishonest Abe” for a while.
22. The Wii U: My husband bought the one with the tablet controller. He’s playing it while I’m watching the news. We’re “sharing” the room, but we haven’t spoken in four hours.
23. The Taylor Swift: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” My wife sings this every time I leave the room. I think she’s trying to tell me something.
24. The Les Misérables: I told her, “I dreamed a dream in time gone by.” She said, “Yeah, the dream where you actually did the dishes without being asked.”
25. The Looper: I told her I’m a hitman from the future. She said, “Then go to the future and see if you’ve taken out the trash yet.”
26. The Fun.: “We Are Young.” I told her I feel young. She told me to try standing up without making a “hngh” sound first.
27. The Wreck-It Ralph: I told her I’m gonna wreck it! She said, “You already wrecked the budget, Ralph. Go to bed.”
28. The Life of Pi: I told her I’m on a boat with a tiger. She said, “No, you’re on a couch with a cat. Calm down.”
29. The Zero Dark Thirty: I told her I’m on a secret mission. She said, “Is the mission to find your socks? Because they’re in the dryer.”
30. The Gotye: “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I told her she’s treating me like a stranger. She said, “I’m treating you like a guy who forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.”
31. The Hotel Transylvania: I told her I’m Dracula. She said, “Good, then you’ll have no problem with the fact that I’m making garlic bread for dinner.”
32. The Prometheus: We watched the movie. We have no idea what happened. We spent the night arguing about the engineers.
33. The Anna Karenina: She wants a tragic romance. I told her our romance is already tragic—we’re out of coffee.
34. The Argo: I told her I’m a CIA agent. She said, “Argo-f*** yourself and go mow the lawn.”
35. The Adele: “Skyfall.” She’s singing it in the car. I told her she’s not a Bond girl. She told me I’m not even the villain.
36. The Frankenweenie: I told her I’m gonna bring the dog back to life. She reminded me the dog is still alive, he’s just old.
37. The Men in Black 3: I told her I’m going back to 1969. She said, “While you’re there, pick up some bread, it’s probably cheaper.”
38. The One Direction: My wife is a “Directioner.” I told her she’s thirty. She said, “You’re just jealous of Harry Styles’ hair.” (I am).
39. The Hobbit: Part one of three. My husband said, “I can’t wait for the next nine hours of walking!” I’m staying home next year.
40. The Choice: “Should we get a 3D TV?” “The world might end in two weeks.” “Good point, let’s just buy more wine.”
41. The Gangnam Logic: “Dress classy, dance cheesy.” My wife: “You’ve got the cheesy part down, now work on the classy.”
42. The Pitch Perfect: She’s “cup-stacking” in the kitchen. I told her it’s annoying. She “aca-scused” me of being no fun.
43. The Silver Linings Playbook: I told her I’m bipolar. She said, “No, you’re just moody when the Eagles lose.”
44. The Taken 2: I told her I have a set of skills. She said, “Your skills are ‘napping’ and ‘losing the remote’. Not impressive, Liam.”
45. The Django Unchained: I told her I’m a bounty hunter. She said, “The D is silent, and so should you be until the movie is over.”
46. The Macklemore: “Thrift Shop.” I told her I’m gonna pop some tags. She said, “You’re only allowed to spend twenty dollars in your pocket.”
47. The Great Gatsby: She wants a “Roaring 20s” party. I told her we can only afford a “Whimpering 2012” party.
48. The Ice Age 4: The continents are drifting. My wife says our marriage is drifting. I told her she’s just hungry.
49. The Magic Mike Logic: “Why can’t you look like Channing Tatum?” “Why can’t you look like Sofia Vergara?” “Touché.”
50. The Total Recall: I told her I have fake memories. She said, “Good, then fake a memory of me telling you to do the dishes and go do them.”
51. The Moonrise Kingdom: She wants to go camping. I told her I’m not a Scout. The camping trip was “cancelled” due to my lack of enthusiasm.
52. The Paranorman: I told her I see dead people. She said, “Are they doing the chores? No? Then I don’t care.”
53. The Expendables 2: More old guys. I told her I’m joining the team. She said, “The only thing you’re ‘expending’ is the data plan on your phone.”
54. The Flight: Denzel lands the plane upside down. I tried to park the car backwards. I hit the mailbox.
55. The Hit and Run: I told her our romance is high-speed. She said, “It’s more like a low-speed chase with a lot of heavy breathing.”
56. The This is 40: We watched the movie. We both looked at each other and said, “That’s us.” We then went home and argued about a piece of cheese.
57. The Red Dawn: I told her the Russians are coming. She said, “Good, maybe they’ll help with the yard work.”
58. The Wreck-It Logic: “I’m bad, and that’s good.” I said this after forgetting her birthday. It didn’t work. I am just bad.
59. The Snow White and the Huntsman: I told her she’s the fairest of them all. She asked, “Then why did you like that picture of a taco on Instagram?”
60. The Killing Them Softly: I told her I’m a hitman. She told me I’m “killing her softly” with my terrible jokes.
61. The End of the World: Dec 22, 2012. We woke up. The sun was out. My wife looked at me and said, “Darn it, I still have to go to your mother’s for Christmas.”
62. The Final Word: She said, “You survived the apocalypse.” I said, “I survived another year of you being right about everything.”
63. The Final Result: I posted a “survivor” selfie on Instagram. 2 likes. One was me. One was my mother. The world is a cold place.