64 Marriage Jokes: The 2019 “Endgame & TikTok” Edition

In 2019, marriage was about the high-stakes diplomacy of avoiding Avengers: Endgame spoilers, trying to understand why your spouse is suddenly doing “POV” videos in the kitchen, and the domestic debate over whether Disney+ is a necessity or just another bill. It was the year of the “Old Town Road” remix, the mystery of the Starbucks cup in Westeros, and the realization that “I love you 3000” is the new benchmark for marital affection.

The 2019 Top 10: The “Snapshot & Spoiling” Classics

The Endgame: I told my wife “I love you 3000.” She looked at the credit card bill and said, “I love you about $3000 less than I did yesterday. Go to the couch.”
The TikTok: My wife is doing a “renegade” dance while the pasta is boiling. I told her she’s 35. She told me I’m “lowkey toxic” and to “get with the vibes.” I’ve never felt older.
The Disney+: We subscribed to another streaming service. My wife said it’s for the kids. I know it’s so she can watch The Mandalorian and talk about “Baby Yoda” for three hours.
The Game of Thrones: After the finale, my wife was so mad she didn’t speak to me for two days. I told her I didn’t write the script. She said, “You didn’t stop them either, Greg.”
The Joker: My husband watched the movie and now he thinks he’s “deep” and “misunderstood.” I told him he’s just “hungry” and “needs to mow the lawn.”
The Old Town Road: I put on my cowboy hat and started singing. My wife told me to take my horse to the “Old Town Road” and keep riding until I hit the next state.
The iPhone 11 Pro: It has three cameras. My husband says it’s for “professional photography.” He used it to take a slow-motion video of his own sneeze.
The Marie Kondo: My wife watched the Netflix special. She held me up and asked if I “spark joy.” I held my breath for ten seconds. She put me back on the sofa, so I guess I’m staying for another season.
The Area 51: I told my wife I’m going to “Storm Area 51.” She said, “Storm the laundry room first, there’s an alien life form growing in the hamper.”
The Peloton Ad: I told my wife she should be like the “Peloton Wife.” She gave me a look that suggested I should start looking for a “Divorce Lawyer Husband.”

The Full 2019 Archive (Extended List)

The Captain Marvel: I told her she’s my hero. She said, “Higher, further, faster… go get the groceries.”
The Knives Out: I told her I’m a master detective. She said, “Then detect who ate the last slice of cake.” (The evidence was on my shirt).
The Parasite: We watched the movie. Now she’s checking the basement every night to make sure no one is living there. I told her the only parasite we have is the neighbor’s WiFi.
The Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker: I told her I’m a Jedi. She said, “The force is not strong with your ability to remember our anniversary.”
The Marriage Story: We watched it on Netflix. We spent the next hour promising each other we’d never hire lawyers. It was the most romantic and terrifying date of the year.
The VSCO Girl: My daughter is saying “Sksksk” and “And I oop—”. My wife is confused. I’m just trying to figure out why we have 50 metal straws in the drawer.
The Tesla Cybertruck: I told her it looks like a video game from 1994. She said, “It looks like your personality—edgy and hard to park.”
The Once Upon a Time in Hollywood: I told her I’m Cliff Booth. She said, “You’re just a guy who drives a beat-up car and eats boxed mac and cheese.”
The Lion King Remake: I told her it’s the circle of life. She said, “The circle of life involves you taking the trash out so the dog doesn’t eat it.”
The Spider-Man: Far From Home: I told her I’m on a European vacation in my head. She said, “You’re in a suburban kitchen in reality. Wash the dishes.”
The Bottle Cap Challenge: My husband tried to kick the cap off a bottle. He broke a window and his big toe. I told him he’s “Viral” in the worst way.
The 1917: I told her I’m on a dangerous mission. She said, “The mission is to find a matching pair of socks for the kids.”
The Lizzo: “Truth Hurts.” I told her I’m 100% that guy. She said, “100% the guy who snores? Yes.”
The Ford v Ferrari: I told her I’m a racing legend. She said, “You drive a minivan at 5 mph under the speed limit. Calm down, Carroll Shelby.”
The It Chapter Two: I told her the clown is back. She said, “Your mother is coming for dinner? Thanks for the warning.”
The Billie Eilish: “Bad Guy.” I told her I’m the bad guy. She said, “Duh,” and handed me the vacuum.
The Cats Movie: We saw the trailer. We both agreed that the world is ending and we should spend our savings now.
The Little Women: I told her she’s Jo. She said, “And you’re the guy who’s going to be ‘Little’ if you don’t stop complaining about the movie length.”
The Yesterday Movie: I told her I’m the only one who remembers The Beatles. She said, “You’re the only one who forgets to call me when you’re late.”
The Shazam!: I shouted the word in the living room. Nothing happened. My wife said, “Shazam! Your dinner is in the dog, go get a sandwich.”
The John Wick 3: I told her I’m a man of focus. She said, “Focus on the lawn, it’s a jungle out there.”
The Men in Black: International: I told her I’m an agent. She said, “The only ‘alien’ here is you thinking you’re wearing that shirt to the party.”
The Toy Story 4: I told her I’m Forky. She said, “Yeah, you’re ‘trash’ and you belong in the bin.”
The Hobbs & Shaw: I told her I’m a super-human. She said, “You’re a ‘super-sleeper’—you napped through the whole movie.”
The Choice: “Do we get the Disney+ bundle?” “Does it have National Geographic?” “Yes.” “Then I can watch lions while you watch High School Musical.”
The Alita: Battle Angel: I told her she has big eyes. She said, “That’s because I’m looking at the mess you made in the garage.”
The Rocketman: I told her I’m a rocket man. She said, “Burn out your fuse out there alone then, Greg.”
The Dark Phoenix: I told her I’m losing control of my powers. She said, “The power to stay quiet? You never had that.”
The Godzilla: King of the Monsters: I told her I’m the King. She reminded me that we live in a democracy and she’s the Speaker of the House.
The Us Movie: I told her there’s a version of us in the sewers. She said, “Good, maybe they’ll do the plumbing since you won’t.”
The Glass Movie: I told her I’m unbreakable. She dropped a plate on my foot. I cried. “Fragmented,” she noted.
The Pet Sematary: I told her the cat is back. She said, “The cat never left, he’s just sitting on your face. Move him.”
The Hellboy: I told her I’m a demon from hell. She said, “I know, I’ve seen you before your coffee.”
The Pokémon Detective Pikachu: I told her I’m a detective. She told me to detect where the smell in the fridge is coming from.
The Aladdin Remake: I told her I’m a diamond in the rough. She said, “You’re a ‘rough’ husband in a ‘diamond’ house. Go polish the floors.”
The 21 Bridges: I told her I’m closing the city. She said, “Close the front door, you’re letting the cold in.”
The Terminator: Dark Fate: I told her “I’ll be back.” She said, “Don’t forget the bread this time, Arnold.”
The Frozen 2: I told her I’m going into the unknown. She said, “The ‘unknown’ is the back of the pantry. Good luck finding the pasta.”
The Jumanji 2: I told her I’m in a new avatar. She said, “You’re in the same pajamas you wore in 2017. Change them.”
The Bombshell: I told her I’m a news anchor. She told me to “anchor” myself to the chair and help with the kids’ homework.
The Richard Jewell: I told her I’m a hero. She said, “A hero doesn’t leave the toilet seat up at 3 AM.”
The Uncut Gems: I told her I’m a high-stakes jeweler. She said, “You’re a ‘high-stakes’ procrastinator. Do the laundry.”
The 6 Underground: I told her I’m a ghost. She said, “I wish you were, then you’d be quiet.”
OK Boomer: I told her I’m not that old. She said, “OK Boomer,” to me. I’m 38. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
The Peloton Logic: “Why are you crying at the bike?” “She’s so happy!” “It’s a stationary bike, Greg. It’s not that deep.”
The AirPods Pro: They have “Noise Cancellation.” I told her I can’t hear her. She pulled one out and yelled, “I KNOW YOU CAN.”
The Baby Yoda: I told her he’s cute. She said, “He’s 50 years old and lives with a silent man who never takes his mask off. Sounds like your dream life.”
The TikTok POV: “POV: You’re married to a guy who forgets the milk.” I’m the star of my wife’s viral video. I didn’t get paid.
The Starbucks in Game of Thrones: I told her it was a mistake. She said, “Just like your ‘mistake’ of thinking you could go to the bar without telling me.”
The Instagram Likes: They’re hiding them now. I told her I feel free. She said, “I still ‘like’ the fact that you’re doing the dishes tonight.”
The FaceApp: We used the filter that makes you look old. I told her we look great. She said, “I look like my mother and you look like a wrinkled potato. Delete it.”
The Final Word: She said, “2020 is going to be a peaceful year.” I said, “As long as there are no more ‘ Renegade’ dances in this house.”
The Final Result: I tried to do the “Bottle Cap Challenge.” I missed the bottle and kicked the TV. We are starting 2020 with a broken screen.
The Status: 2019. Still “Inconsistent” with the chores, but “Consistent” with the snacks.