64 Marriage Jokes: The 2007 “iPhone & Halo 3” Edition

In 2007, marriage was about the high-stakes transition from “dumb” phones to the very first iPhone, the emotional rollercoaster of the final Harry Potter book, and the dawn of the Netflix streaming era (when we still called it “Watch Instantly”). It was the year of “Crank That” dances in the kitchen, the writers’ strike leaving us with nothing but reality TV, and the realization that “Googling” someone was now a standard part of every social interaction.

The 2007 Top 10: The “Touchscreen & Transformers” Classics

1. The iPhone: My husband stood in line for eight hours to get the first iPhone. He spent the rest of the night “sliding to unlock” it just to feel powerful. I told him he should try “sliding” some dishes into the dishwasher.
2. The Halo 3: I haven’t seen my husband’s face since the “Finish the Fight” campaign started. I paged him from the kitchen; he replied that he’s currently busy saving humanity from the Covenant.
3. The Transformers: After seeing the movie, my husband is convinced our minivan is an Autobot. I told him if it transforms into anything, I hope it’s a car that actually has a full tank of gas for once.
4. The Deathly Hallows: My wife finished the final Harry Potter book in one sitting and cried for three days. I told her it’s just a book. She told me I’m a “Death Eater” who doesn’t understand love.
5. The Netflix Stream: We tried the new “Watch Instantly” feature. The movie buffered for forty minutes and then the computer crashed. My wife said, “Let’s go back to the red envelopes; at least they don’t stutter.”
6. The Mad Men: My husband started wearing a suit to dinner and drinking Old Fashioneds. I told him he’s not Don Draper; he’s just a guy who’s going to be very hungover at the PTA meeting tomorrow.
7. The Britney Spears: It was a rough year for Britney. My wife said, “If Britney can make it through 2007, we can make it through this home renovation.” It’s our new marital motto.
8. The Soulja Boy: My husband tried to “Crank That” in the living room and knocked over a floor lamp. I told him he’s “Superman-ing” his way right into the guest room.
9. The Kindle: I bought my wife an e-reader. She said she misses the “smell of paper.” I told her I can spray some old library scent on it, but she still has to learn how to charge it.
10. The Juno: My daughter is quoting the movie constantly. My wife asked me if I’m the “cool dad.” I told her I’m the “dad who pays for the orange Tic Tacs.”

The Full 2007 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Facebook Wall: My wife “wrote on my wall” to tell me she’s mad at me. I replied on her wall that I’m sorry. We were sitting three feet apart on the sofa.
12. The Knocked Up: We watched the movie. My wife said it’s a documentary of my life—a giant man-child who got lucky. I couldn’t even argue.
13. The Blackberry Curve: My husband says the keyboard is “perfect.” I told him his thumbs are too big for “perfection” and he keeps texting me that we need “moo” instead of “milk.”
14. The No Country for Old Men: I told my wife I’m like Anton Chigurh—unstoppable. She held up a coin and said, “Heads, you do the laundry. Tails, you do the dishes.” I lost.
15. The Ratatouille: My husband tried to cook a fancy French dinner. I told him the only thing he has in common with the rat is that he’s scurrying around the kitchen making a mess.
16. The Superbad: He laughed at “McLovin” for two hours. I’m starting to wonder if his brain stopped developing in 1992.
17. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians: The show started. My wife said, “Their lives are so complicated.” I said, “Ours is too—we have to decide between pizza or tacos tonight.”
18. The BioShock: My husband is obsessed with “Big Daddies.” I told him if he wants to be a “Big Daddy,” he can start by paying the mortgage on time.
19. The Rihanna: “Umbrella” is playing everywhere. I tried to share an umbrella with my wife in the rain. She told me I’m hogging 90% of it and to “ella-ella-eh” my way to the other side.
20. The Spiderman 3: Emo Peter Parker. I tried the dance. My wife told me she’s never been more embarrassed to be seen with me.
21. The Writers’ Strike: There’s nothing on TV. My wife and I actually had to talk to each other. It was a dark time for our marriage.
22. The I Am Legend: I told my wife I’m the last man on Earth. She said, “If you were, I’d still be asking you why you haven’t fixed the sink.”
23. The Wii Fit: She’s still on the balance board. It told her she’s “Obese” because she was holding the cat. Now the cat is on a diet.
24. The Gossip Girl: XOXO. My wife is obsessed. I told her I’m the “Gossip Guy”—I know exactly which neighbor didn’t pull their trash cans in.
25. The Guitar Hero III: “Through the Fire and Flames.” My husband’s fingers are bleeding. I told him he’s not Eric Clapton; he’s just a guy with a plastic toy.
26. The Enchanted: I told my wife she’s my princess. She said, “Then where are the singing animals to help me clean the bathroom?”
27. The 300 Logic: “Tonight, we dine in hell!” I said this before we went to her mother’s for dinner. She didn’t laugh.
28. The iPhone Battery: It’s already dead. I told him the future of technology is just looking for a wall outlet.
29. The Kanye West: Graduation. I told her I’m a “Stronger” husband now. She said, “Work it, make it, do it… the dishes.”
30. The Shrek the Third: I told her our kids are like the ogre babies. She said, “That’s because they take after their father.”
31. The Timbaland: Everything has a “beat” now. My husband is beat-boxing while I’m trying to tell him about my day.
32. The National Treasure 2: He’s back to looking for maps on the back of things. He checked the back of his birth certificate. Nothing but disappointment.
33. The Bee Movie: “According to all known laws of aviation…” I started the script. My wife left the room.
34. The Justin Timberlake: “What Goes Around… Comes Around.” I said this when she tripped. I am now officially “The Ex-Husband” for the weekend.
35. The Hairspray: She’s singing “You Can’t Stop the Beat.” I told her I can stop it—by turning off the radio.
36. The Portal: “The cake is a lie.” I said this when she told me there was dessert in the fridge. It actually was a lie. There was only kale.
37. The American Gangster: My husband is acting like Denzel. I told him he’s not a kingpin; he’s a “bin-pin” (he’s in charge of the trash).
38. The High School Musical 2: I’m “Bet On It” dancing in the backyard. The neighbors are calling the police.
39. The Assassin’s Creed: He’s “parkouring” over the sofa. He broke the coffee table. “Leap of Faith” denied.
40. The Choice: “Should we get a Blu-ray player or just use the Xbox?” “Let’s just use the Xbox, I don’t want to spend $400 on something that looks the same as a DVD.”
41. The Amy Winehouse: “Rehab” is the song of the year. I told my wife I’m going to “Nap-hab.” She said, “No, no, no.”
42. The Simpson’s Movie: “Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig!” My husband is holding the dog against the ceiling. The dog looks confused; I look ready for a vacation.
43. The Bluetooth: He got a smaller one. Now I can’t even see it. I just think he’s talking to himself like a crazy person in the cereal aisle.
44. The Ghost Rider: He bought a leather jacket. I told her I’m Nicolas Cage. She said, “You’re definitely ‘Locked in a Cage’ if you think you’re wearing that to church.”
45. The 1 vs. 100: We’re playing along. My wife is “The 1” and I’m “The 100” things she hates about my habits.
46. The Alvin and the Chipmunks: I’m doing the high-pitched voice. My wife is looking for the earplugs.
47. The Super Mario Galaxy: I told her I’m going to space. She said, “Take the trash with you, it’s a universal problem.”
48. The Gone Baby Gone: I told her I’m a private investigator. She said, “Investigate where the missing remote is then, Sherlock.”
49. The OneRepublic: “Apologize.” I told her it’s too late to apologize. She said, “Good, because I wasn’t going to anyway.”
50. The Digital Transition: Everyone is talking about 2009. My husband is terrified the TV will stop working. I told him we’ll just have to talk. He bought three converter boxes immediately.
51. The Bourne Ultimatum: I told her I remember everything. She asked, “Then what did I ask you to get at the store?” Silence.
52. The Facebook Profile: She changed her relationship status to “It’s Complicated” after we argued about the thermostat.
53. The Bee Movie Logic: Why is the woman dating a bee? My wife said, “At least the bee is productive and brings home honey.”
54. The Cloverfield: We saw the trailer. She’s afraid of shaky cameras. I told her her driving is like a shaky camera.
55. The Walk Hard: I told her I’m a rock legend. She told me I’m a “legend” for how long it takes me to get out of bed.
56. The Stardust: I told her she’s a fallen star. She said, “And you’re the crater I hit.”
57. The Rock Band: Now we have a plastic drum set in the living room too. Our house looks like a toy store exploded.
58. The 3:10 to Yuma: I told her I’m a gunslinger. She told me I’m a “pun-slinger” and she’s tired of it.
59. The I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry: My husband and his best friend are acting like they’re married for the “benefits.” I told them they already act like an old couple.
60. The Hot Fuzz: I told her I’m a top cop. She told me to go patrol the dishwasher.
61. The Beowulf: I told her I’m a hero from legend. She said, “Beowulf didn’t have a beer belly, Greg.”
62. The No Reservations: She wants me to be like Catherine Zeta-Jones in the kitchen. I’m more like the guy who burns the toast.
63. The Epic Movie: We saw it. We regretted it. It was the only thing we bonded over all month.
64. The Final Word: She said, “You’re so old school.” I said, “I have an iPhone now, I’m the future.” She reminded me I still don’t know how to check my voicemail.