83 Animal Jokes: The Notch & Fyre Protocol (2017)

Welcome to 2017. The year Apple removed the home button and gave us “The Notch,” the year the Fyre Festival promised luxury but delivered soggy cheese sandwiches, and the year a specific yellow shark started swimming through our collective nightmares. The animal kingdom is officially going full “Animoji.”

The 2017 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the house cat encountered the iPhone X and its “FaceID” for the first time in November 2017? She spent twenty minutes staring into the front-facing camera, but because her facial expressions range exclusively from “Disdain” to “Deep Existential Boredom,” the phone refused to unlock, eventually prompting Siri to ask: “Are you a registered user or just a very judgmental loaf of bread?” The cat eventually bypassed the security by simply knocking the $1,000 device off the nightstand, proving that gravity is the ultimate biometric override.
2. Why did the neighborhood dog feel so much empathy for the “influencers” stranded at the Fyre Festival in April 2017? He saw the photos of the disaster—the wet tents, the lack of infrastructure, and the sad cheese sandwiches—and realized that the “Luxury Experience” they were promised was basically just a Tuesday for a stray dog in a rainstorm. He briefly considered starting a GoFundMe to send them some of his premium kibble, but decided that if you’re willing to pay $12,000 for a festival on a private island, you should probably learn how to hunt your own seagulls.
3. How did the Great White Shark react to the global explosion of the “Baby Shark” song in 2017? He held an emergency meeting in the Pacific and issued a formal cease-and-desist, arguing that the song’s upbeat, repetitive nature was “irreparably damaging” to his reputation as a terrifying apex predator. “We spent millions of years perfecting the Jaws theme,” he barked at a passing dolphin, “only to be replaced by a pink fox and a ‘doo-doo-doo-doo’ rhythm that makes people want to dance instead of swim for their lives.”
4. Why was the owl so judgmental about the launch of “Animoji” in 2017? He watched his owner spend three hours making a digital owl head mimic their own facial movements and concluded that humanity had reached its final, most ridiculous stage of evolution. “You have the collective knowledge of the world in your pocket,” the owl hooted, “and you’re using it to pretend you’re a 3D cartoon bird while I’m out here actually doing the work of being wise and catching rodents in 1080p.”
5. What did the squirrel think about the “Nintendo Switch” finally being released to the masses in 2017? He saw everyone playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild in the park and decided that Link’s ability to gather ingredients and cook meals was a blatant rip-off of his own life story. He eventually tried to “Switch” his lifestyle by carrying a walnut in each paw to mimic the Joy-Cons, but found that his “frame rate” dropped significantly whenever a hawk entered the area.
6. How did the house dog react to the premiere of The Last Jedi in late 2017? He spent the whole movie waiting for the “Porgs” to be revealed as a new type of squeaky toy, but when he realized they were actually characters with plot armor, he felt a deep sense of betrayal. He eventually decided that Luke Skywalker’s “Force Projection” was exactly what he needed for those days when he wanted to go to the park but also stay on the couch and nap.
7. Why did the cat refuse to participate in the “Bitcoin” bull run of late 2017? She looked at the price chart hitting $20,000 and decided that “HODLing” was just a digital term for what she does with a piece of yarn—grabbing it, refusing to let go, and then completely losing interest the second it stops moving. She also pointed out that you can’t sleep on a digital wallet, which makes it a 0/10 in terms of feline utility.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought a “Fidget Spinner” in 2017? “It’s fascinating that you’ve spent $10 on a piece of plastic that spins for three minutes to help with your ‘anxiety,’ while I’ve been powering a metal wheel at 400 RPM for six hours every night just to earn a single sunflower seed; if you want to learn about true focus, come talk to me when you can do 10,000 rotations without losing your balance.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the debut of “Fortnite Battle Royale” in late 2017? She watched her owner spend all night building “1×1” wooden towers and concluded that humans are the worst architects in history—if a cow wants a structure, she just stands under a tree, she doesn’t try to “crank 90s” while being shot at by a teenager in a banana costume.
10. How did the dog react to the “Eclipse of 2017”? He wore the special glasses for exactly three seconds before deciding that the sun going out was just a very long, very dramatic way for the universe to tell him it was time for an early dinner, eventually falling asleep in the middle of “totality” while his owners screamed about the corona.

The Full 2017 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the Fyre Festival? She heard it was a “Cat-astrophe” in the making.
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2017 movie? Coco (he really related to Dante the Xolo dog).
13. Why did the parrot love the iPhone X? He finally had a phone that could track his “Squawk-pressions.”
14. What do you call a sheep on Bitcoin? “A Crypto-lamb.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2017? Because “PUBG” came out and he liked the “loot and hide” strategy.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2017 movie? Logan (he respects a gritty, tired hero).
17. Why did the cat hate “The Notch”? It interrupted her view of the birds on YouTube.
18. What do you call a fish in The Shape of Water? “A Romantic-gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Fidget Spinner”? He thought it was a very fast, very flat bee.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 song? “Despacito” (Baaa-baaa-cito).
21. Why did the pig use Animoji? To send “Ham-mojis.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with a Nintendo Switch? “Dolly-Joy-Con.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2017? Too many “Baby Shark” parodies scaring the real fish away.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2017 hobby? “Mining” Ethereum in the stable.
25. Why did the cat love Get Out? She also knows what it’s like to be in a “Sunken Place” (under the duvet).
26. What do you call a dragon in 2017? A “FaceID-compatible” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the “Salt Bae” meme? he wanted to know where the steak was.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 band? “Imagine Baaa-gons.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPhone X”? He thought the “Animoji” monkey was his long-lost brother.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Fortnite? “Moo-shy.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Fyre Festival”? The “emergency tents” looked like bad birdhouses.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2017 tech? The “Nintendo Switch” (it’s a portable heater/screen).
33. Why did the dog like Wonder Woman? He felt she was the only human strong enough to take him on a “Power Walk.”
34. What do you call a group of ants in Fortnite? “A Squad-colony.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Baby Shark” beat? To drive the dog insane.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 song? “Shape of You” (The Shape of Ewe).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Bitcoin” ticker? She liked the green and red “lasers” (candles).
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Spider-Man: Homecoming? “Peter Barker.”
39. Why did the pig like Dunkirk? He didn’t—too much water, not enough mud.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2017 gadget? The “Apple Watch Series 3” (with LTE for calls on the wheel).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “HomePod” (announced 2017)? He thought the “mesh” was a new type of muzzle.
42. What do you call a cat that’s a “Bitcoin” millionaire? “A Fat-cat.”
43. Why did the bird join “TikTok” (merger with Musical.ly 2017)? To post 15-second remixes.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 fashion? “Dad sneakers” (very chunky, like her hooves).
45. Why did the dog like 2017? Because “Nintendo Switch” meant his owners played games in the garden.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an iPhone X? “A Smart-swipe-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Google Pixel 2”? Because she’s an “iCat” at heart.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2017 movie? Beauty and the Beast (remake).
49. Why did the parrot get a Fidget Spinner? To improve his “Balance-squawks.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes Riverdale? “Archie Moo-ndrews.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Animoji” poop? He didn’t think the digital version was as interesting as the real one.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 tech? “FaceID” (she looks exactly like her sister, so it was a disaster).
53. Why did the cat like It (2017)? She also enjoys hanging out in sewers and scaring kids.
54. What do you call a donkey on Bitcoin? “A HODL-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 8”? It still had a home button (classic perch).
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2017 phrase? “Chicken Dinner” (from PUBG).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “The Notch”? It cut off the top of his nut-storage spreadsheets.
58. What do you call a cat in Star Wars? “Kylo-Ren-puss.”
59. Why did the pig like 2017? Because “Ham-ilton” was now a global obsession.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 drink? “Unicorn Frappuccino.”
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Thor: Ragnarok? He liked the “Hulk” being a big green dog.
62. What do you call a group of owls on a Nintendo Switch? “A Parliament of Joy-Cons.”
63. Why did the cat like 2017? Because “High Sierra” (macOS 10.13) sounded like a high mountain.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2017 song? “Believer” (Imagine Dragons… he believes in the wheel).
65. Why did the dog hate “Fidget Spinners”? They took up the hand that should have been petting him.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes “Baby Shark”? “A Fire-doo-doo-doo.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Fortnite”? To “Loot-squawk.”
68. Why was 2017 a great year for a dog? Because the “Eclipse” meant everyone was outside looking at the sky, ignoring the kitchen counter.
69. What do you call a horse that loves War for the Planet of the Apes? “Stable-rebel.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Tesla Model 3” interior? “Where are all the buttons for me to chew?!”
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2017 tech? The “Surface Laptop.”
72. Why did the squirrel love “Fortnite”? Because he’s the king of the “Bush-campers.”
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Ed Sheeran? “Shape-of-paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2017? Too many “Selfie Drones” acting like robot hawks.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2017 toy? A “Fyre Festival” cheese sandwich (the only thing he’d eat).
76. Why was 2017 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy swiping on Animojis to notice the cat had taken over the house.
77. What do you call a cow in a “Bitcoin” mine? “A Moo-ner.”
78. Why did the dog bark at the “iPhone X”? Because it cost more than his entire life’s supply of treats.
79. What do you call a cat that survives “Fortnite”? “A Victory-Royale-puss.”
80. Why did the owl love 2017? Because it was the year of the “Animoji-hoot.”
81. Why did the chicken cross the road in 2017? To get a better signal for his “Bitcoin” wallet.
82. What do you call a fish in a fidget spinner? “A Dizzy-gill.”
83. Why did the dog love 2017? Because “Baby Shark” was the first song he could actually sing along to.