72 Animal Jokes: The 2015 Color War & Hotline Protocol

Welcome to 2015. The year a single photograph of a dress tore families apart over whether it was white and gold or blue and black, Drake taught us how to dance in a turtleneck, and we all realized that “hoverboards” don’t actually hover—they just catch fire. The animal kingdom is officially confused by human perception.

The 2015 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. Why was the house cat so offended by “The Dress” debate in February 2015? She sat between her two arguing owners, looking at the screen with absolute disdain, because as a creature with superior night vision, she could clearly see that the dress was actually “covered in cat hair” and “located on a chair I intend to nap on,” proving that human optical illusions are nothing compared to feline territorial claims.
2. What happened when the Golden Retriever tried to recreate Drake’s “Hotline Bling” dance in the kitchen? He put on his winter sweater, stood on his hind legs, and started doing the “cell phone” move with his paws, but he ended up slipping on the linoleum, knocking over a bowl of kibble, and accidentally creating a viral video that was less “Toronto cool” and more “Canine Chaos in 1080p.”
3. How did the neighborhood squirrel react to the rise of the “Hoverboard” (self-balancing scooter) in 2015? He watched from a telephone wire as a teenager tried to ride one over a sidewalk crack, experienced a catastrophic “face-plant,” and concluded that if humans need a motorized, two-wheeled fire hazard to move ten feet, they’ll never understand the pure, gravity-defying adrenaline of sprinting up a vertical oak tree while holding a walnut in their teeth.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the launch of the “Apple Watch” to the general public in April 2015? He argued that a device that taps you on the wrist to remind you to “Breathe” is the ultimate sign that humanity has lost its primal instincts, claiming that if an owl forgot to breathe, he’d fall out of his tree, and he doesn’t need a $400 piece of aluminum to tell him that his heart rate increases whenever he sees a juicy vole.
5. What did the house dog think about the debut of Jurassic World in the summer of 2015? He watched the Indominus Rex on the screen and decided that if humans were going to start “manufacturing” giant lizards with camouflage abilities, he was going to need a significant upgrade to his “bark-to-threat” ratio and a much bigger backyard fence to protect his favorite tennis ball from prehistoric theft.
6. How did the parrot react to the launch of “Apple Music” and its 24/7 radio station, Beats 1? He spent the rest of the year mimicking Zane Lowe’s high-energy introductions, flying around the living room screaming, “ALWAYS BROADCASTING! WORLD RECORD!” before dropping a “heavy rotation” of birdseed all over the expensive new rug.
7. Why did the cat refuse to participate in the “Left Swipe/Right Swipe” culture of 2015? She looked at her owner’s phone and decided that “Tinder for Cats” would be unnecessary because she already “swipes left” on everyone who enters the house—including the guests, the mailman, and anyone who tries to touch her belly for more than 1.5 seconds.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought a “Tesla Powerwall” for the house? “It’s impressive that you’re storing solar energy in a giant battery on the wall, but if you really wanted sustainable power, you’d hook my exercise wheel up to the grid; I’ve been generating ‘clean energy’ since 11:00 PM and all I’ve gotten in return is a slightly larger piece of broccoli.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the popularity of “Mad Max: Fury Road” in 2015? She watched the desert car chases for two hours and concluded that “The Wasteland” looked exactly like her pasture during a drought, but with significantly more chrome and much noisier neighbors who didn’t seem to understand the importance of a quiet grazing schedule.
10. How did the dog react to the launch of “Periscope” (live-streaming app) in 2015? He was thrilled that his owner was finally live-streaming their walks to the entire world, convinced that thousands of people were tuning in just to see his elite “sniffing technique,” only to be disappointed when he realized most of the comments were just people asking, “Is the dress blue or gold?”

The Full 2015 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the “Hotline Bling” trend? She only calls you on your cell phone when she needs… tuna.
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2015 movie? Inside Out (he relates to “Joy,” but his “Sadness” is just an empty bowl).
13. Why did the parrot love the Apple Watch? It gave him a new “Digital Crown” to chew on.
14. What do you call a sheep that sees the dress as white and gold? “A Baaa-ffled observer.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2015? Because “Windows 10” launched and he felt like he skipped the “Vista” phase of life.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2015 movie? Ant-Man (finally, a superhero who understands the struggle).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Hoverboard”? It moved without legs and it made a high-pitched “hiss” she didn’t trust.
18. What do you call a fish in Jurassic World? “A Mosasaur-gill.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Apple Pencil” (announced 2015)? He thought it was a very expensive, very thin stick he wasn’t allowed to chew.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 song? “Uptown Funk” (Don’t believe me, just baaa!).
21. Why did the pig use Periscope? To show off his “Ham-cam” live from the mud.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with an Apple Watch? “Dolly-Wrist.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2015? Too many “Selfie Drones” invading his personal space.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2015 hobby? Watching “The Dress” memes go viral in the stable.
25. Why did the cat love Star Wars: The Force Awakens? She also believes she can move objects with her mind (or at least by knocking them off the table).
26. What do you call a dragon in 2015? A “4K-Smart-TV” breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the “Left Shark” during the Super Bowl? He didn’t trust a fish that couldn’t find the beat.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 band? “Twenty One Pi-baaa-ts.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPad Pro”? It was big enough to be a dining table and a shield.
30. What do you call a cow that likes The Martian? “Moo-rk Watney.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “UberEats” (launched 2015)? It made humans even lazier at gathering their own nuts.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2015 tech? The “MacBook Adorable” (the 12-inch one—perfect for sitting on).
33. Why did the dog like The Revenant? He understood the struggle of wanting a nap and being interrupted by a bear.
34. What do you call a group of ants in Jurassic World? “Prehistoric-sects.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Slack” notification? To make the humans think they were actually working.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 song? “Hello” (Adele… Hello from the other baaa-ide).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Apple Music” logo? She thought the note was a stylized mouse tail.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Spectre? “00-K9” (The Bond Dog).
39. Why did the pig like The Big Short? He heard there was a “Market-Hog.”
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2015 gadget? The “iPod Nano” (the last of its kind).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “3D Touch” on iPhone 6S? He thought he could push the screen and get a real treat.
42. What do you call a cat on Periscope? “A Live-stream-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join “Discord” (launched 2015)? To organize the morning songs more efficiently.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 fashion? “Man buns” (she found them relatable).
45. Why did the dog like 2015? Because “Netflix and Chill” meant his owners never left the house on weekends.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an Apple Watch? “A Smart-stream-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Netflix” logo redesign? Too much red, not enough “nap-time” grey.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2015 movie? Fast & Furious 7 (he also has family… in every tree).
49. Why did the parrot get a GoPro Hero 4? To film his “Wingsuit” jumps from the bookshelf.
50. What do you call a cow that likes Empire? “Moo-kie Lyon.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Amazon Dash Button”? He thought pressing it would instantly deliver a bone (he was right).
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 tech? “Live Photos” (she loved seeing her wool wiggle).
53. Why did the cat like Crimson Peak? She also enjoys old houses and being a ghost-like presence.
54. What do you call a donkey on Periscope? “A Live-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 6S”? The “Rose Gold” color matched his favorite sunset.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2015 phrase? “What are those?!” (Pointing at the cat’s paws).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Windows 10”? Too many updates, not enough “Hibernating” mode.
58. What do you call a cat in Jurassic World? “A Veloci-puss.”
59. Why did the pig like 2015? Because “Ham-ilton” officially opened on Broadway.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 drink? “Cold Brew” (she’s a hipster now).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie The Hateful Eight? He didn’t like the snow or the long dialogue.
62. What do you call a group of owls on an Apple Watch? “A Parliament of Rings.”
63. Why did the cat like 2015? Because “El Capitan” (OS X 10.11) sounded like a high place to climb.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2015 song? “Can’t Feel My Face” (The Weeknd… but because of the sunflower seeds).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Hoverboard”? It stole his job of being the most energetic thing on two (or four) legs.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes Periscope? “A Fire-streamer.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Apple Music”? To get the “Family Plan” for all his voices.
68. Why was 2015 a great year for a dog? Because “BarkBox” was officially making him the king of the mail.
69. What do you call a horse that loves The Hateful Eight? “Stable-lawman.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Tesla Powerwall”? He thought a giant white bone had been mounted on the wall.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2015 tech? The “iPad Pro” (more screen for “shearing” videos).
72. Why was 2015 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy arguing about a blue dress to notice the dog ate the entire Thanksgiving turkey.