79 Animal Jokes: The 2012 Mayan Apocalypse & Op-Paws Style Protocol

Welcome to 2012. The year we all thought the world was ending because of a Mayan calendar, the year Elon Musk started delivering the Tesla Model S, and the year a South Korean man in a tuxedo taught the entire planet—including the animals—how to dance like they’re riding an invisible horse.

The 2012 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the farm dog watched the “Gangnam Style” video for the first time in the fall of 2012? He spent three hours in the middle of the driveway trying to master the “invisible horse” dance, but because he lacks a tuxedo and the ability to slide sideways, he just looked like a dog with a very itchy backside. Eventually, he gave up and decided that if humans want to dance like horses, he’ll just start eating like a human to balance out the weirdness.
2. Why did the house cat spend the entire day of December 21, 2012, sitting on top of the refrigerator with a packed bag of catnip? She was fully prepared for the “Mayan Apocalypse,” convinced that when the world ended, the refrigerator would be the only piece of technology to survive and float into space. When the sun came up on the 22nd, she just looked at her owner with deep disappointment, as if to say, “I can’t believe I stayed awake for a catastrophe that didn’t even have the courtesy to show up.”
3. How did the neighborhood squirrel react to the landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars in August 2012? He watched the high-definition footage of the Martian surface and felt a surge of professional jealousy, noting that NASA spent $2.5 billion to send a robot to look for rocks, while he’s been finding “buried treasures” (mostly old acorns and a lost wedding ring) in the neighbor’s garden for years without a single government grant.
4. Why was the owl so judgmental about the launch of the “Tesla Model S” in 2012? He argued that a car that doesn’t make any noise is a predatory evolution that only a bird of prey can truly respect, but he was suspicious of the giant touchscreen in the middle of the dashboard, claiming that if a human can’t drive without looking at a 17-inch iPad, they probably shouldn’t be trusted in the “fast lane” of the forest.
5. What did the house dog think about the “London 2012” Olympics? He watched the rhythmic gymnastics and decided that he was a natural gold medalist, spent the afternoon spinning in circles with his leash in his mouth, and then waited on the “podium” (the kitchen rug) for a medal that turned out to be just a piece of low-fat ham.
6. How did the cat react to the “Grumpy Cat” meme going viral in 2012? She stared at the screen and felt a strange sense of competition, eventually deciding that Tardar Sauce was “too mainstream” and that her own brand of “Silent Existential Dread” was a much more sophisticated way to achieve internet fame without having to look like she just smelled a lemon.
7. Why did the parrot get obsessed with the movie The Avengers that summer? He spent the rest of the year flying from room to room screaming “HULK SMASH!” and trying to pick up the dog’s heavy rubber bone, eventually concluding that while he might not have a vibranium shield, his ability to poop on someone from a great height is basically a low-level superpower.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought him a “Wii U” (launched in late 2012)? “It’s fascinating that you bought a console where the controller has its own screen so you can keep playing while someone else uses the TV, but I’ve been running in a wheel while staring at the same wooden wall for six months—where is my ‘GamePad’ and why doesn’t it show me where the sunflower seeds are hidden?”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the debut of “Candy Crush Saga” on mobile in 2012? She watched her owner swiping colored candies for four hours straight and tried to replicate the game with different shades of clover, eventually giving up when she realized that in the real world, matching three identical pieces of grass doesn’t make them disappear—it just makes you full.
10. How did the dog react to the “Leap Motion” controller (announced 2012) that allowed you to control a computer with hand gestures? He thought it was a revolution in human-canine communication, convinced that if he just waved his paw in front of the screen, the computer would automatically order 50 pounds of premium steak and a new bed that doesn’t smell like his own farts.

The Full 2012 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the Mayan party? She wanted to see if the world would end with a giant “Cat-tastrophe.”
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2012 song? “Gangnam Style” (Oppan Dog-gy Style!).
13. Why did the parrot love the Tesla? Because it was “silent but deadly” (like his owner’s jokes).
14. What do you call a sheep on Instagram in 2012? “A Lo-fi Lamb.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2012? Because “Curiosity” proved there was a big dusty sandbox on Mars.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2012 movie? The Hunger Games (every day is a hunger game for an ant).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Wii U”? The GamePad took up her favorite spot on the coffee table.
18. What do you call a fish in a Tesla? “An Electric Eel-elon.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Mayan Calendar”? He didn’t like a rock telling him when he’d stop getting treats.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 song? “Call Me Maybe” (Hey, I just met ewe, and this is crazy…).
21. Why did the pig use “Candy Crush”? To get to the “Sugar Crush” level.
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with a Tesla? “Dolly-Model-S.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2012? Too many “Pinterest” birdhouses that were impossible to actually live in.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2012 hobby? Doing the “Gangnam Style” dance for real.
25. Why did the cat love The Dark Knight Rises? She related to Catwoman (finally, someone with style).
26. What do you call a dragon in 2012? A “Quad-core” fire-breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at “Grumpy Cat”? He thought she was a very small, very angry tiger.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 band? “The Lumineer-baaas.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPad Mini” (launched 2012)? It was the perfect size for a primate prank.
30. What do you call a cow that likes The Avengers? “Moo-lk Hogan” (Wait, wrong era… let’s go with “The Incredible Bulk”).
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Candy Crush”? It was a waste of perfectly good fruit shapes.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2012 tech? The “Retina Display” (better for staring at bird videos).
33. Why did the dog like Brave? He loved the giant bears—he thought they were just big, fluffy dogs.
34. What do you call a group of ants on a Tesla? “A High-voltage Colony.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Gangnam Style” beat? To make the dog start spinning.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 song? “Somebody That I Used to Know” (Now you’re just some-baaa-dy…).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Mayan” ruins on Google Maps? She was looking for her ancestors’ litter box.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Skyfall? “00-K9.”
39. Why did the pig like Magic Mike? He heard there was a lot of “ham.”
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2012 gadget? The “Microsoft Surface” (a new floor for his cage).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Curiosity” Rover? He wanted to know if there were any Martian mailmen.
42. What do you call a cat that uses “Vine” (founded 2012)? “A Six-second Celebrity.”
43. Why did the bird join “Snapchat”? To send “Snap-tweets.”
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 fashion? “High-low” skirts (very wooly).
45. Why did the dog like 2012? Because “Uber” meant more car rides (even if he wasn’t allowed in).
46. What do you call a fish that uses a Tesla? “A Current-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Google Glass” (announced 2012)? It made humans look even more ridiculous than usual.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2012 movie? The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (he also loves a long quest for a treasure).
49. Why did the parrot get a Wii U? To play “Scribble-nauts.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes Downton Abbey? “Lady Moo-ry.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Pinterest” board? Too many “DIY Dog Bed” ideas, not enough “Actual Dog Beds.”
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 tech? “Windows 8” (she liked the tiles… they looked like hay blocks).
53. Why did the cat like American Horror Story: Asylum? She felt right at home with the crazy.
54. What do you call a donkey on “Vine”? “A Six-second Ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 5”? It was taller, like a better perch.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2012 phrase? “YOLO” (You Only Lick Once… but he licks everything anyway).
57. Why did the squirrel hate the “Mayan Apocalypse”? He spent all his nut-savings on a bunker that was just a hole.
58. What do you call a cat in The Avengers? “Nick Fur-y.”
59. Why did the pig like 2012? Because “Pork-e-mon” (Black & White 2) was out.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 drink? “Coconut Water” (Still trending).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Life of Pi? He didn’t trust the tiger on the boat.
62. What do you call a group of owls on a Tesla? “A Parliament of Volts.”
63. Why did the cat like 2012? Because “Mountain Lion” (OS X 10.8) was the fastest cat yet.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2012 song? “Starships” (by Nicki Mi-hamster).
65. Why did the dog hate the “London Olympics”? He wasn’t allowed to compete in the “Stealing the Sausage” event.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes “Gangnam Style”? “A Fire-dancer.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Vine”? To record six seconds of chaos.
68. Why was 2012 a great year for a dog? Because “Grumpy Cat” meant dogs were officially the “happy” alternative.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Lincoln? “A Civil-stable-warrior.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Tesla” charger? He thought it was a robotic snake trying to bite the car.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2012 tech? The “iPad 3” (The New iPad).
72. Why did the squirrel love “Candy Crush”? Because of the “Color Bombs.”
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Adele? “Sky-fall-paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2012? Too many “Selfie” sticks taking up his flying space.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2012 toy? A “Wii U” GamePad (he thought it was a heavy frisbee).
76. Why was 2012 the peak for animals? Because the world didn’t end, which meant another year of getting fed for doing nothing.
77. What do you call a cow in a 3D movie? “Moo-dimensional.”
78. Why did the dog bark at the “iPhone 5”? Because it didn’t have a headphone jack… wait, that’s later. He barked because it was “too thin.”
79. What do you call a cat that survived the Mayan Apocalypse? “A Nine-Life Specialist.”