80 Animal Jokes: The Area 51 & Old Town Protocol (2019)

Welcome to 2019. The year we tried to storm a top-secret military base to “see them aliens,” the year Lil Nas X rode his horse down the longest road in music history, and the year Disney+ arrived to ensure we never have to interact with the physical world again. The animal kingdom is officially preparing for a cosmic encounter.

The 2019 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the neighborhood Golden Retriever decided to join the “Storm Area 51” event in September 2019? He spent three days practicing his “Naruto Run” in the backyard, but when he finally arrived at the Nevada desert, he was disappointed to find that the “aliens” didn’t look like glowing space-dogs and there wasn’t a single galactic frisbee in sight. He eventually decided that if the government was hiding a “secret stash,” it was probably just a planet-sized bag of premium bacon that required a security clearance higher than his “Good Boy” certification.
2. Why did the farm horse become an overnight fashion icon after the release of “Old Town Road” in 2019? He realized that for the first time in centuries, wearing a cowboy hat and “Gucci sneakers” wasn’t just a practical joke played by the farmer’s kids, but a legitimate aesthetic. He spent the rest of the year refusing to pull the plow unless his owner played the Billy Ray Cyrus remix on a loop, eventually demanding a “diamond-encrusted saddle” to match his new status as a country-trap superstar.
3. How did the house cat react to the launch of Disney+ in November 2019? She watched her owners binge-watch the entire Star Wars saga in a single weekend and became deeply obsessed with “Baby Yoda” (The Child). She spent the next month trying to use “The Force” to bring the treats from the top shelf down to the floor, and when it didn’t work, she concluded that the green toddler was actually a highly-trained feline in a prosthetic suit who was much better at marketing than actual telekinesis.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the “10-Year Challenge” that went viral on Instagram in early 2019? He looked at the side-by-side photos of humans from 2009 and 2019 and noted that while the people had changed their hair and their phone models, he still looked exactly like a majestic, feathered sphere of wisdom. “I don’t need a hashtag to prove I’m timeless,” the owl hooted, “come talk to me when your ‘aging process’ involves molting and becoming 20% more aerodynamically efficient.”
5. What did the squirrel think about the “Peloton” holiday commercial scandal in late 2019? He watched the “Peloton Wife” look terrified of her stationary bike and decided that humans were the only species that would pay $2,000 to be stressed out by a machine that goes nowhere. “I do high-intensity interval training every time a hawk flies over,” the squirrel noted, “and I don’t need a screen with a shouting instructor to tell me that my heart rate is in the ‘Fat Burn’ zone.”
6. How did the house dog react to the “Tesla Cybertruck” reveal in November 2013? He watched the “shatterproof” glass break on stage and let out a long, barking laugh, convinced that the truck was actually a giant, low-polygon metal bone designed by someone who had never seen a real curve in their life. He eventually decided that if a car looks like a drawing a toddler made with a ruler, it’s probably the perfect vehicle for a dog who enjoys sticking his head out of the window of the future.
7. Why did the cat refuse to participate in the “Bottle Cap Challenge” in the summer of 2019? She watched Jason Statham do a spin-kick to unscrew a cap and found the whole thing incredibly inefficient. “I’ve been knocking caps, glasses, and expensive electronics off tables with a single, lazy paw-flick since the 90s,” she noted while yawning, “if you need a martial art and a slow-motion camera just to open a drink, you’re clearly overcomplicating the laws of physics.”
8. What did the hamster say when his owner bought him a “Ring Stick Up Cam” to monitor his cage in 2019? “It’s nice that you want a live-stream of my 3:00 AM snack-run in 1080p, but maybe instead of spending $100 on a surveillance state, you could spend $2 on a wheel that doesn’t sound like a haunted Victorian carriage every time I hit 20 miles per hour.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the “Popeyes vs. Chick-fil-A” Chicken Sandwich War? She watched people wait in lines for four hours and get into actual fights over a piece of fried poultry, eventually concluding that she was lucky to be a cow. “At least when people come for me, they’re looking for a burger, not a viral tweet,” she mooed to the herd, “though I still think the ‘Eat Mor Chikin’ billboard was a brilliant piece of bovine psychological warfare.”
10. How did the dog react to the Avengers: Endgame finale? He spent the whole movie waiting for the “Snap” to be reversed so his favorite mailman would come back, and when everyone finally returned, he celebrated by barking for six consecutive hours. He eventually decided that Captain America staying in the past was a smart move—there were probably a lot more “real” bones and a lot less “Wi-Fi” to distract people from belly rubs in the 1940s.

The Full 2019 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join the Area 51 raid? To find the “Intergalactic Laser Pointer.”
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2019 movie? The Lion King (He thought it was a very big cat show).
13. Why did the parrot love Disney+? He wanted to learn the dialogue for every Disney villain.
14. What do you call a sheep on “Old Town Road”? “A Baaa-ck-street Cowboy.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2019? Because “Google Stadia” launched and he liked the idea of “Cloud Nuts.”
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2019 movie? Spider-Man: Far From Home (He relates to the vacation struggle).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Cybertruck”? The sharp edges weren’t comfortable for a nap.
18. What do you call a fish in The Irishman? “A Gill-man who knows too much.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “AirPods Pro”? He thought the “Noise Cancellation” meant the humans were finally going deaf.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 song? “Bad Guy” (Duh… baaa!).
21. Why did the pig use the “FaceApp” aging filter? To see if he looked better as “Pulled Pork.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with a Disney+ subscription? “Dolly-Plus.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2019? Too many drones trying to “Deliver” things in his flight path.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2019 hobby? Riding down “Old Town Road” till he can’t no more.
25. Why did the cat love Joker? She also lives in a society and finds everything funny at 3:00 AM.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2019? A “Disney-acquired” fire-breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at the “Peloton” bike? He didn’t trust a human who ran in place for fun.
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 band? “The Baaa-llie Eilish.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPhone 11 Pro”? He liked the three cameras (More angles for his banana selfies).
30. What do you call a cow that likes The Mandalorian? “Moo-dalorian.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Disney+”? Too many distractions for the humans, not enough park time.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2019 tech? The “Oculus Quest” (Wireless humans falling over is 10/10).
33. Why did the dog like John Wick 3? He liked that the dogs finally got some “Action” scenes.
34. What do you call a group of ants in Area 51? “Alien-sects.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Disney+” intro sound? To make the kids run to the TV.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 song? “7 Rings” (7 Wooly Rings).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Cybertruck” window? She was waiting for the metal ball to break it again.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Knives Out? “Benoit Blanc-hound.”
39. Why did the pig like Yesterday? He also thinks life would be better if people just sang Beatles songs.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2019 gadget? The “Nintendo Switch Lite.”
41. Why did the dog bark at “Siri” on the HomePod? He thought a ghost was trying to order pizza.
42. What do you call a cat that’s an “Area 51” survivor? “An Alien-puss.”
43. Why did the bird join “TikTok” (Global Peak 2019)? To post “Transition” flights.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 fashion? “Tie-dye” (She felt colorful).
45. Why did the dog like 2019? Because “Disney+” had all the old dog movies.
46. What do you call a fish that uses an iPhone 11? “A Wide-angle-gill.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “Google Pixel 4” gesture control? Because she’s the only one allowed to wave her hands and make things happen.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2019 movie? Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
49. Why did the parrot get a Peloton? To “Cycle-squawk.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes Succession? “Logan Moo-roy.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Bottle Cap Challenge”? He thought the cap was a tiny frisbee.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 tech? “Deepfakes” (She’s been pretending to be her twin for years).
53. Why did the cat like Parasite? She also lives in your house for free and plans a slow takeover.
54. What do you call a donkey on “Old Town Road”? “A Country-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “Powerbeats Pro”? No wires to get tangled in his wings.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2019 phrase? “I love you 3000” (Especially if you have 3000 treats).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “Google Stadia”? The “Lag” made him miss his jumps.
58. What do you call a cat in The Mandalorian? “Baby Yoda-puss.”
59. Why did the pig like 2019? Because “Ham-ilton” was coming to Disney+.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 drink? “White Claw” (It was everywhere).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie Cats (2019)? Because it was a nightmare for everyone, not just dogs.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Disney+? “A Parliament of Watchers.”
63. Why did the cat like 2019? Because “Catalina” (macOS 10.15) was finally a name she liked.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2019 song? “Circles” (Post Malone… he lives in circles).
65. Why did the dog hate the “10-Year Challenge”? He only lives in the “Now-Challenge.”
66. What do you call a dragon that likes “Old Town Road”? “A Fire-rider.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Disney+”? To watch The Lion King and learn to roar.
68. Why was 2019 a great year for a dog? Because the “Storm Area 51” memes meant more people were outside with him.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Ford v Ferrari? “Stable-racer.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Cybertruck”? He thought it was a giant, silver refrigerator.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2019 tech? The “Mac Pro” (The Cheese Grater).
72. Why did the squirrel love “Area 51”? He heard they had “Secret Nuts.”
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Lizzo? “100%-That-Paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2019? Too many “VSCO Girls” making “Sksksks” sounds and scaring him.
75. What’s a dog’s favorite 2019 toy? A “Baby Yoda” plush.
76. Why was 2019 the peak for animals? Because humans were too busy storming Area 51 to notice the cat had ordered $400 of tuna on Alexa.
77. What do you call a cow in “The Mandalorian”? “Moo-ff Gideon.”
78. Why did the dog bark at the “iPhone 11”? He thought the three lenses were three spider eyes.
79. What do you call a cat that survives “Endgame”? “A Nine-Life-Avenger.”
80. Why did the owl love 2019? Because it was the year of the “Area-51-hoot.”