75 Animal Jokes: The 2013 Harlem Shake & Next-Gen Protocol

Welcome to 2013. The year we all stood still for fifteen seconds before erupting into a “Harlem Shake” frenzy, the year we finally asked “What Does the Fox Say?”, and the year the PS4 and Xbox One launched, officially turning our living rooms into high-definition battlegrounds.

The 2013 Top 10: Animal Kingdom Classics

1. What happened when the Golden Retriever tried to participate in a “Harlem Shake” video in February 2013? He sat perfectly still for the first half, wearing a motorcycle helmet and looking confused, but the second the bass dropped, he took the “wild dancing” prompt so literally that he accidentally cleared the entire coffee table with his tail, sent a bowl of chips into the neighbor’s yard, and became a viral sensation for being the only participant who actually looked like he was having a genuine medical emergency.
2. Why did the neighborhood fox go into hiding during the fall of 2013? He was tired of being chased through the woods by teenagers with smartphones screaming “Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!” at him, eventually issuing a formal statement through a local squirrel that his actual vocalizations are more of a “disturbing scream” and that he would appreciate it if Ylvis would stick to singing about Norse mythology instead of his private life.
3. How did the house cat react to the launch of the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One in November 2013? She looked at the two massive consoles and decided they were nothing more than overpriced, high-tech space heaters designed specifically for her winter naps, eventually concluding that the PS4’s “Share” button was actually a way for her to accidentally broadcast her 4:00 AM grooming sessions to the entire world via Twitch.
4. Why was the owl so skeptical about the “Google Glass” explorer program in 2013? He argued that having a tiny computer screen hovering over your right eye was a “paltry excuse” for actual vision, noting that he can see a mouse from half a mile away in total darkness without a battery pack or a $1,500 price tag, and he doesn’t have to say “OK Google” just to focus his pupils.
5. What did the squirrel think about the “Cronut” craze that swept New York in 2013? He watched people wait in line for six hours for a croissant-donut hybrid and decided that humans had finally reached peak insanity, arguing that if you’re going to spend that much time for a snack, it better be a nut that’s been aged in a hollow oak tree for at least two seasons and has a 10/10 crunch factor.
6. How did the house dog react to the debut of Frozen in late 2013? He spent the rest of the winter trying to “Let It Go” (specifically his obsession with the mailman), but every time he heard the chorus, he would start howling in a pitch so high that he accidentally summoned every husky in a three-mile radius for an impromptu karaoke session that didn’t end until the neighbor threw a boot at the fence.
7. Why did the cat refuse to acknowledge the “Selfie” being named Word of the Year by Oxford Dictionaries in 2013? She argued that cats had been perfecting the “self-image” long before front-facing cameras existed, and that humans were just now catching up to the fact that looking at yourself in a mirror—or a reflective phone screen—is the only logical way to spend 40% of your waking hours.
8. What did the hamster say when his owner tried to explain the concept of “The Cloud” again in 2013? “I don’t care if my data is floating in a server farm in Nevada; unless that cloud can rain down fresh pellets and provide a way for me to ‘upload’ my exercise minutes to a treadmill that actually goes somewhere, I’m going to stay ‘offline’ and focus on chewing this plastic tube.”
9. Why was the cow so confused by the launch of “Vine” (becoming a cultural phenomenon in 2013)? She watched her owner try to tell a joke in exactly six seconds and decided it was a very stressful way to live, claiming that a good “Moo” requires at least eight seconds of build-up and a proper pastoral setting to achieve the necessary comedic timing.
10. How did the dog react to the “Netflix Binge-Watching” trend that took off in 2013? He was the only one in the house who was genuinely happy about the rise of House of Cards and Orange Is the New Black, because it meant his owners stayed on the couch for twelve consecutive hours, providing him with a permanent, warm lap and a steady stream of “accidental” popcorn drops.

The Full 2013 Animal Archive (Extended List)

11. Why did the cat join Vine? To perfect the “six-second pounce.”
12. What’s a dog’s favorite 2013 movie? Gravity (he felt for the guy floating away—no ground to sniff).
13. Why did the parrot love “The Fox”? Because he finally had a song with more nonsensical lyrics than his own.
14. What do you call a sheep on Vine? “A Six-second Bleat.”
15. Why did the squirrel like 2013? Because “Grand Theft Auto V” came out and he liked the chaos in the streets.
16. What’s an ant’s favorite 2013 movie? Man of Steel (he relates to the “Super-strength”).
17. Why did the cat hate the “Xbox One”? The “Kinect” was always watching her, and she values her privacy.
18. What do you call a fish in Sharknado (2013)? “An Over-achiever.”
19. Why did the dog bark at the “Harlem Shake”? He thought the humans were finally admitting they have fleas.
20. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 song? “Blurred Lines” (She has blurry vision anyway).
21. Why did the pig use Vine? To make “Ham-loops.”
22. What do you call a cloned sheep with a PS4? “Dolly-station.”
23. Why did the bird hate 2013? Too many “Selfies” blocking the view of the birdfeeder.
24. What’s a horse’s favorite 2013 hobby? Watching “Harlem Shake” fails on YouTube.
25. Why did the cat love The Great Gatsby? She also enjoys expensive parties where she can sit in the corner and judge everyone.
26. What do you call a dragon in 2013? A “Next-gen” fire-breather.
27. Why did the dog bark at “The Fox”? He wanted an answer: “What DOES he say?!”
28. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 band? “Daft Baaa-nk.”
29. Why did the monkey like the “iPad Air” (launched 2013)? It was light enough to steal with one hand.
30. What do you call a cow that likes Frozen? “Olaf-moo.”
31. Why did the squirrel hate “Bitstrips” (2013)? The avatars didn’t capture his bushy tail correctly.
32. What’s a cat’s favorite 2013 tech? The “PS4 DualShock 4” (the light bar is a mini-laser).
33. Why did the dog like Iron Man 3? He liked the idea of a dog-shaped suit (Iron Mutt).
34. What do you call a group of ants on an Xbox One? “A Live-colony.”
35. Why did the parrot mimic the “Vine” revving sound? To make his owner think the video was looping.
36. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 song? “Get Lucky” (She stayed up all night to get sheared).
37. Why did the cat stare at the “Google Glass”? She was waiting for the “Digital Mouse” app.
38. What do you call a dog that’s a fan of Pacific Rim? “A Jaeger-hound.”
39. Why did the pig like The Wolf of Wall Street? He heard there was a lot of “pork” in the market.
40. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2013 gadget? The “Pebble Smartwatch” (it’s hamster-sized).
41. Why did the dog bark at the “Selfie Stick”? He thought it was a very long, very boring stick.
42. What do you call a cat that’s a “Vine” star? “A Meow-cro influencer.”
43. Why did the bird join “Instagram Video” (launched 2013)? To post 15-second songs.
44. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 fashion? “Flower Crowns” (they’re delicious).
45. Why did the dog like 2013? Because “Chromecast” meant more people were staring at the TV, leaving the kitchen unguarded.
46. What do you call a fish that uses a PS4? “A Fin-troller.”
47. Why did the cat hate the “BlackBerry Z10”? Because even in 2013, nobody knew why it existed.
48. What’s a squirrel’s favorite 2013 movie? The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (he’s also good at catching things).
49. Why did the parrot get a PS4? To play “Angry Birds Star Wars.”
50. What do you call a cow that likes American Horror Story: Coven? “Moo-mmy Dearest.”
51. Why did the dog bark at the “Candy Crush” sound effects? He thought a piñata had exploded.
52. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 tech? “iCloud Keychain” (she’s always losing her keys).
53. Why did the cat like The Conjuring? She’s usually the one making the cupboards bang anyway.
54. What do you call a donkey on “Vine”? “A Snap-ass.”
55. Why did the bird like the “iPhone 5S”? He was the only one who could use the “Touch ID” with his claw.
56. What’s a dog’s favorite 2013 phrase? “Much wow” (Doge meme peak).
57. Why did the squirrel hate “iOS 7”? The icons were too “flat”—he likes things with texture, like bark.
58. What do you call a cat in Frozen? “Elsa-puss.”
59. Why did the pig like 2013? Because “Peppa Pig” was taking over the world.
60. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 drink? “Coconut Water” (Still going strong).
61. Why did the dog bark at the movie World War Z? Too many fast humans, not enough treats.
62. What do you call a group of owls on Vine? “A Hoot-loop.”
63. Why did the cat like 2013? Because “Mavericks” (OS X 10.9) sounded like a cat that breaks the rules.
64. What’s a hamster’s favorite 2013 song? “Roar” (Katy Perry… he thinks he’s a lion).
65. Why did the dog hate the “Harlem Shake”? No one would let him wear the funny hat.
66. What do you call a dragon that likes PS4? “A Next-gen Breather.”
67. Why did the parrot join “Snapchat”? To send “Disappearing Squawks.”
68. Why was 2013 a great year for a dog? Because the “Doge” meme made everyone realize that dogs have very complex internal monologues.
69. What do you call a horse that loves Blackfish? “Stable-protester.”
70. Why did the dog bark at the “Xbox One” controller? He thought the “vibrating triggers” were bees.
71. What’s a sheep’s favorite 2013 tech? The “Mac Pro” (it looked like a high-tech trash can).
72. Why did the squirrel love “Vine”? Because he also lives his life in six-second bursts of chaos.
73. What do you call a cat that’s a fan of Lorde? “Royals-paws.”
74. Why did the bird hate 2013? Too many “Selfie” sticks getting in the way of his flight path.
75. Why was 2013 the peak for animals? Because “What Does the Fox Say?” proved that humans were finally losing their minds, leaving the animals in charge.