62 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2019 “Endgame & TikTok” Edition

In 2019, we were all trying to avoid spoilers for Avengers: Endgame and learning how to dance to “Old Town Road.” It was the year of the Tesla Cybertruck reveal, the rise of “OK Boomer,” and the final season of Game of Thrones. For the mother-in-law, this meant her “reign” was reaching an epic conclusion, and her ability to meme your failures reached a professional level.

The 2019 Top 10: The “Final Battle & Short-Form” Classics

1. The Endgame: I told my mother-in-law her visit is like Avengers: Endgame. It’s three hours long, full of characters I forgot existed, and it’s clearly meant to be the end of an era. She said, “Except in my version, there’s no time travel to fix your mistakes.”
2. The TikTok: My mother-in-law joined TikTok. She doesn’t dance; she just points at things in my house that are broken while a “Oh No” song plays in the background.
3. The OK Boomer: I said “OK Boomer” to her after she critiqued my career. She said, “OK Disappointment, go back to your ‘vaping’ and ‘side hustles’ while I continue to own 70% of the world’s wealth and your dignity.”
4. The Cybertruck: She saw the reveal of the Tesla Cybertruck and said, “A vehicle with broken glass and a design that makes no sense? Finally, a car that matches your personality.”
5. The Game of Thrones: She watched the series finale and hated it. She said, “The writing was terrible, the ending was rushed, and nobody got what they deserved. It reminded me of your wedding day.”
6. The Disney+: I bought Disney+. My mother-in-law asked if it has a channel called “The Real World Where My Son-in-Law Actually Does the Dishes.”
7. The Old Town Road: She’s like that song. She’s going to “ride ’til she can’t no more”—specifically, she’s going to ride my nerves until I lose my mind.
8. The Area 51 Raid: I told her people were planning to raid Area 51 to find aliens. She said, “They should just raid your guest room. They’d find something much scarier and equally unwelcome.”
9. The AirPods Pro: She upgraded to the Pros. She says the “Noise Cancellation” feature is amazing because it filters out the sound of me “pretending to be busy.”
10. The Google (Part 13): She asked Google, “How to assemble a son-in-law that actually works?” Google replied, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t find any ‘Working’ models in your area.”

The Full 2019 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Dark Mode: She loves “Dark Mode” on her phone. She says it matches the mood she feels every time she sees my face.
12. The 15-Second Loop: She’s like a TikTok loop. She says the same thing over and over, and by the fourth time, I’m ready to delete the app.
13. The FaceApp: She used the “Old Age” filter on me. She said, “It didn’t change anything—you’ve had the energy of an 80-year-old man since you were twenty.”
14. The Impossible Burger: She tried an Impossible Burger and said, “Meat that isn’t meat? Just like your ‘Plan’ that isn’t actually a plan.”
15. The Smart Home (Part 3): She told the smart vacuum it was “doing a better job of navigating life” than I am.
16. The E-mail Priority: She’s started using “Expiration Dates” on her e-mails. If I don’t answer within an hour, the advice becomes an order.
17. The Garden: She told the roses they were “lacking a social media strategy.”
18. The iPhone 11 Pro: She loves the three cameras. She says one is for the dust, one is for the weeds, and one is for the “look of regret” on my face.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it can be used to etch glass.
20. The Sitcom: She says Succession is “too relatable.” She’s already decided I’m the “Cousin Greg” of the family.
21. The Cleaning: She brought a high-powered UV light to the kitchen. She said she’s looking for “residue of a work ethic.”
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Final Season” of our wedding video, edited to show me “losing the iron throne of my own house.”
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his lawn was “spiritually bankrupt.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the car has “Emotional Support Sensors.” I told her the car is beeping because she’s been talking for three hours without a breath.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Can you return a son-in-law to his parents for a store credit?”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She wants a filter that makes me look like “a responsible adult.”
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of War.” She returned it saying, “I’ve already mastered the ‘silent treatment’ chapter.”
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the lighting was “conspiring with the son-in-law.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Dyson has “more ambition” than I do.
30. The Map: I bought her a digital map. It started “Recalculating” her life choices as soon as she sat in the car.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Sparkle” emoji look like a threat.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a head of broccoli because it “lacked a sense of symmetry.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “prepared with a sense of purpose.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2019 is “too mainstream.”
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 5. The son-in-law tried to explain ‘The Cloud.’ I told him he’s been living in one for years.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Battery Full” sound like a disappointment.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s starting to affect the local tectonic plates.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his car smelled like “unfulfilled dreams.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 72 degrees is “the temperature of a dying empire.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “Is that your final answer?” He’s definitely on her payroll.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “competitive sighing.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a gargoyle.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “translucency was a sign of a weak character.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2020 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the blockchain validation.
59. The Peloton: I bought a Peloton. My mother-in-law said, “A bike that goes nowhere? Finally, a hobby that perfectly matches your career path.”
60. The Baby Yoda: She saw Baby Yoda and said, “He’s cute, but he’s 50 years old and still doesn’t have a steady job. Remind you of anyone?”
61. The Ring Camera: We got a Ring doorbell. My mother-in-law hates it. She says, “I prefer to surprise you with my disappointment—technology takes the fun out of the ambush.”
62. The 2019 Wrap-Up: She said 2019 was a year of “closure.” Specifically, closure on the idea that I’d ever finish the guest bathroom.