55 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2007 “iPhone & Transformers” Edition

In 2007, the world changed with a single “Slide to Unlock.” It was the year of the first iPhone, the launch of Halo 3, and the arrival of giant robots from outer space. For the mother-in-law, this meant her critiques were now high-definition and pocket-sized. She became the ultimate “User Interface”—one that is impossible to navigate and doesn’t come with a “Silent Mode.”

The 2007 Top 10: The “Touchscreen & Transformation” Classics

The iPhone: I told my mother-in-law about the new iPhone. She asked if it had a “Slide to Unlock” feature for my bank account.
The Transformers: My mother-in-law is a real-life Transformer. She can turn a simple “Hello” into a three-hour lecture on my career choices in under ten seconds.
The Touchscreen: She hates the new touchscreen phones. She says she prefers a phone with real buttons—just like she prefers a son-in-law she can “push.”
The App Store: I told her there’s an app for everything. She asked if there’s one that makes me “remotely useful around the house.”
The Halo 3: My son was playing Halo 3. My mother-in-law watched for five minutes and said, “Fighting aliens? He should try fighting the dust bunnies in his father’s office.”
The Kindle: She got the first Kindle. She didn’t download any books; she just used it to store a digital list of every time I was late for dinner since 1992.
The Ratatouille: We watched Ratatouille. My mother-in-law said, “A rat in the kitchen? Still cleaner than the way my son-in-law grills burgers.”
The Megatron: She watched Transformers and said Megatron was “misunderstood.” She says she identifies with anyone who has to deal with “inferior technology.”
The 3G: She asked if “3G” stands for “3 Generations of disappointment,” which is how she describes our family tree.
The Google (Part 7): She asked Google, “How to mute a son-in-law in real life?” Google redirected her to a store that sells duct tape.

The Full 2007 Archive (Extended List)

The Slide to Unlock: She thinks “Slide to Unlock” is what she does to the front door when she has a key we never gave her.
The Zoom: She discovered the “pinch to zoom” feature. Now she can zoom in on the wrinkles in my shirts in every digital photo.
The Bluetooth: She thinks her Bluetooth headset is a “personal crown.” She walks around talking to herself, and for once, someone is listening (the satellite).
The Flat Screen: She says our TV is so thin it’s “lacking the gravity of a real piece of furniture.”
The Laptop: She asked if my laptop is “Mac or PC.” I said Mac. She said, “Figures. Overpriced and obsessed with its own image.”
The E-mail Attachment: She sent me a spreadsheet titled “Unpaid Debts of Gratitude: 2007 Edition.”
The Garden: She told the lawn it was “looking very uninspired today.”
The Flip Phone: She refuse to give up her flip phone. She says she needs the “snap” to signal the end of my dignity.
The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually illegal to drink it while operating heavy machinery.
The Sitcom: She says Mad Men is a show about how men “used to have a bit of class,” unlike some people she could mention.
The Cleaning: She brought a digital thermometer to the house. She said she’s checking if my “hospitality has frozen over yet.”
The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “iPhone Compatible” version of our wedding video, edited for “maximum regret.”
The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his dog was “excessively loud for a mammal of that size.”
The Airbag: She asked if the SUV has “anti-snoring sensors” for when I fall asleep during her stories.
The Internet Search: She searched for “Average price of a one-way ticket to a deserted island for a son-in-law.”
The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too sharp.” She says they make her “disappointed face” look “aggressive” when it’s actually just “observational.”
The Library: She checked out a book on “The Art of War.” She told the librarian it was “a bit too soft for her tastes.”
The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why the lighting was “colluding with the son-in-law.”
The Vacuum: She says the Roomba is “the only member of this family with a clear sense of duty.”
The Map: I bought her a GPS. The GPS ended up asking her for a “personal day” after two hours in the car.
The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Wink” emoji look like a threat.
The Supermarket: She tried to return a lemon because it was “too sour.”
The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “audacious” for thinking I have somewhere important to go.
The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “prepared with a sense of tradition or just a sense of duty.”
The Rain: She says the rain in 2007 is “too digital.”
The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 4. The son-in-law still thinks he’s in charge of the remote. It’s adorable.”
The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “Press 1 for English” sound like an insult.
The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it’s affecting the local tides.
The Pizza: She told the pizza guy that his crust was “spiritually bankrupt.”
The Thermostat: She says 72 degrees is “the temperature of a dying empire.”
The Bird: My parrot started saying “I’ve seen better.” He’s definitely her favorite.
The Exercise: She says her favorite yoga pose is “The Judging Cobra.”
The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a gargoyle.
The Ghost: She told a ghost its “translucency was a sign of a weak character.”
The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 22% of the year yawning.
The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s being tracked by weather satellites.
The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to boil water.
The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
The Car Trip: We drove to the beach. She said the sand was “too unorganized.”
The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2008 Failures” for me.
The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
The Final Word: My mother-in-law doesn’t need a “Home” button. She’s already decided she lives here now.